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Here's my situation, I've split with WP but I am considering healing with the cooperation of WP without being in R. R is not completely ruled out by me, but I'm really still trying to figure out what I want. Has anyone done anything similar here?

I ask this because I've read several things online, in a few books and in videos/podcasts that healing of the BP needs the WP even though it sounds counterintuitive. I held this as the truth and it sort of made sense to me. I did also want to practise some of the things I've been reading with WP to improve myself regardless of what path I go down. However, the past week has cast a bit of doubt over whether it is in fact better to heal with WP or not. Some says that it makes no sense to heal with someone who abused you through infidelity and the person who caused you trauma isn't going to do you any good. This made sense to me too. I know that a rape victim would not be working out stuff with their rapist in order to heal. Now I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts on this as well?

I am of the opinion of that if you make a break, make it clean.

You absolutely can heal with or without them. I say with, IF and only if they are desperate to keep you and the marriage and are willing to do anything for it.

Your ambivalence right now actually puts you in the best spot to heal and also get a favorable outcome for yourself. Whatever that may be, D or R.

BP doesn't need WP to heal.
You have to heal yourself.
WP can help you heal or hurt you further, but they are not a necessary part of the process.

The power of healing your pain is exactly that you can do it yourself.

Shirley Glass mentions a stage of 'working on the M' for couples who don't know what they want to do. As I understand her, you basically do things you'd do in R with a goal of find how they work out. If that's what you're talking about, sure it's possible.

My reco is not to commit to R until and unless your WS shows willingness to change from cheater to good partner.

I used the period between d-day and committing to R to test my W again and again. Every question was a test. Every issue that came up was a test. It turned out that she passed my tests. I don't think she tested me, because she had already decided she wanted R.

I urge you to say more about the split. What changed in your living arrangement? What would make you want to get back together? What would actually get you back together? What is the purpose of splitting?

I ask because I'm with Chaos - a break needs to be clean. But break may mean something different to your than to me.

Thank you for all the replies so far.

Without going too much into things, we use to live some time together and some time apart before dday. I would say through the year, maybe 75% together.

We were never married, just in a relationship. The split means we are no longer in a relationship. Dday was about 2 months ago. I have been NC with WP for about a month now. It was partly because I needed to go abroad, but it was a good chance, in my opinion, to clear my head.

In the meantime, I've been reading books, forums, listening to podcast/videos. Basically being a sponge for knowledge. I have learnt a lot during this short time. Some questions I had in the first month are answered, some, like whether to R or not is still undetermined. This is partly because it is completely up to what WP has done and what they want as well. I'm not going to chase them to R if they don't want to, if they have done a crappy job of changing, improving themselves whilst we are in NC, then again, no R. If they have done an amazing job, I will consider R but only if the healing we are going to have goes well. The healing is in effect a tester of sorts in my mind at the moment. I will add that in the above scenarios of no R, that means R will never be on the table - I'm not sure if I would still wish to heal with them... It's hard to say because so much depends on what they've done and their behavior changes rather than just words.

A bit more colour on the WP. They did confess themselves, but it was so that they can sweep other infidelities under the rug, so it wasn't totally honest. I always thought this was their way of lying about everything by telling "a single truth". They did sign up for counselling before confessing to me and they had 2 or 3 different professionals helping them the last time I spoke to them. One was private, the other was a public service as they were suicidal. There was remorse, but because of the trickle truth, remorse is potentially not as genuine. WP also recommended some books to me, listening to audio books and learning themselves. All promising to an extent, but I know them well in this respect - WP tend to be motivated at the start, but maintaining it has always been their problem, therefore, I'm unsure what exactly I'm going to discover when I re-establish contact.

I on the other hand know that cheating is WP's fault, but even before dday, I was well aware of my shortcomings as a person in a relationship. The same issues popped up in previous relationships so I am taking this opportunity to really work on them for myself so I don't keep tripping over the same rock repeatedly. I can do this by finding a therapist, but I find the progress might be slower solely with a therapist and resolving an issue of mine with them will hit differently than if WP and I resolved an issue of mine together. (I will get into counselling when I'm back in my country) I can also date sometime in the future, be in a relationship and try out the things I've learnt, but I feel it's much better to try it with someone who is already available now which is WP. If the conditions are right, it means I would have hopefully resolved some of my issues with WP, some with therapist and in the meantime, I would also have a better idea whether to R or not.