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Thanks, everyone, for the replies and your thoughts on all of this! I'm not super active on here, but I'm trying to get more active.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she actually agreed that it might be better to only discuss it three days a week, so I'm not feeding into my anxiety (I've had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager). BUT, she said that if something urgent happens that I need to be able to speak about it immediately. Meaning, if my wife is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, I can discuss it. My wife understood and agreed with this.

So, I guess now I just have to process everything that happened and try to somehow get through this.

Honestly, I'm just tired of the story changing. People call it trickle truthing, or whatever. But I'm so tired of it. Stories changing constantly (it happened yesterday!). Sigh. This sucks.

My buddy keeps telling me, I'll never know the whole truth. And I just have to accept that. Maybe I can in time... But right now, I want the whole truth. Will that change over time? :\

I agree you'll never get the whole truth, but you're getting changing stories. That's not truth. OK ... with changing stories you could say there's no way to distinguish truth from lie even if she does say something that's true; but that leaves you not knowing what to believe, which is a lousy and untenable position to be in.

I don't think I could stay M unless I thought my W was honest with herself and me. I still ask questions. All of her answers for the last just under 14 years have been consistent. I've gotten more details, but the details have all fit with what W has already told me. Believe me, I asked LOTS of questions. So I think you'd be doing yourself a great, grave disservice if you accept non-D while she lies.

Have you reached the end of your rope? Just before you do, you can see if an ultimatum works: 'If you don't start telling the truth and only the truth, I will D you.' But you have to mean that for it to work.

My heart goes out to you. My W came clean on d-day, and I think she's been totally honest since then, and even with that, life was very painful for a couple of years. I know you're in pain. I also know you can process the pain out of your body, and you'll be glad when you do it.

My buddy keeps telling me, I'll never know the whole truth. And I just have to accept that.

I say there IS a way to get at least much more truth than you have now. Muster the courage to ask her to do the following:

1. Have her WRITE a complete timeline of every interaction she had with OM. Every feeling, who initiated what, what was said. If you want sexual details (most dudes do), then demand she include all that. Give her no more than a week to compete this.

2. She gives you a copy. Have her also read this timeline to you. Watch her closely as she does.

3. Then tell her you need her to sit for a polygraph which will confirm she’s been truthful, and has not skipped anything relevant. Ask her immediately if she needs to augment her timeline.

4. FOLLOW THROUGH with the polygraph. You get only a handful of yes/no questions you can have the examiner ask. One will be "Is the timeline 100% accurate and complete?". ALSO have her asked "Since you and OP were ‘exclusive’ as a couple, have you had ANY sexual contact with another man, besides OP and OM" (the examiner will define what ‘sexual contact’ is). Also have her asked "Has there been ANY contact with OM since Dday" (again the examiner will define ‘contact’).

At the minimum, doing the above will give you more confidence you have something approaching the full story. I hope you have the courage to follow through, and get the answers you rightly need.

I really disagree with the 3 day a week thing. Please check out Betrayal Bind Book. Check out Jake Porters work, specifically couples centered recovery model. Also, read "How to help your spouse heal from Your affair. Friend ...not being able to talk IMO will only lengthen the recovery time.

For me, the more we talked, the better. Of course some times a break may be needed due to emotions, but if emotions were kept to reasonable level, talking could continue. Seek God ...He can help you navigate and truly heal this.

Accepting that you'll never know the full truth is the shit sandwich you have to eat in order to reconcile. We've all eaten a little bit of shit at the minimum.

In your OP, you said you won't throw away a 17 year M over 3 months of cheating. That's not what you'd be doing. You'd be ending your M because your W continues lying to you.

*****

Member to member -

Accepting that you'll never know the full truth is the shit sandwich you have to eat in order to reconcile.

T can't imagine knowing 'the full truth' about much of anything in life. The best one can get to is thinking one knows enough to make a good decision. And if you think R requires eating a shit sandwich, don't R.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:12 PM, Friday, November 15th]

I don't think I could stay M unless I thought my W was honest with herself and me. I still ask questions. All of her answers for the last just under 14 years have been consistent. I've gotten more details, but the details have all fit with what W has already told me. Believe me, I asked LOTS of questions. So I think you'd be doing yourself a great, grave disservice if you accept non-D while she lies.

I started out asking a lot of questions. Then it slowly became overwhelming for her, so we stopped talking constantly. Then her therapist suggested the three days thing. I dunno, I'm so beaten down that I don't know what's correct anymore.

An interesting bit... While we were in the 'divorce stage' (where she lied about being unhappy, instead of confessing to the affair), she kept saying that she wanted to talk about divorcing me, but she was going to wait until next year to do it, because my sister passed away in late December of last year. So she didn't want to put all of this one me, before that.

Well, because she told me that, I'm in this weird mindset where I'm basically begging her not to leave, instead of her begging me not to leave. She keeps telling me she's not going anywhere, but it's seriously messing with my ability to process all of this.

And every time I get upset with her, she gets defensive. She's made a few different remarks about how she's feeling and I've basically, for all intents and purposes, told her that her feelings don't matter right now. She doesn't like that, but that's just how I feel. She betrayed me repeatedly. This is MY TIME to heal. She should be begging me to not walk out the door. She should be apologizing to ME every day about the affairs. She should listen and answer any and all questions I have, as I have them. All of this is just so f*cked up. I'm beyond tired and beaten down.

I use this analogy because it fits cheating. Suppose your wife shot you. It was unbelievably painful. When you ask why she keeps changing the answers. You know you were shot. You know who did it and she still has the gun. Exactly when would you be over it? You would be talking about it nonstop. She did an injury to you by her behavior and then brought in a third party to tell you to basically shut up except three times a week. Does that make sense to you? If you were still talking about it all the time a couple of years later we would be telling you that you are stuck and need help. I really don’t get the reasoning of making the innocent victim somehow become the responsible party in how to proceed. You were/are the victim.