SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity is devastating, and the emotional aftermath is something that many of us are still grappling with. It can shatter our sense of identity, self-worth, and confidence. But as I reflect on this experience, I keep asking myself: How much of the pain we feel is directly from the betrayal itself, and how much is influenced by the societal expectations that have been placed on us, particularly those tied to traditional masculinity?

Patriarchy has long defined masculinity in terms of control, sexual dominance, and the idea that a man should be the "protector" or "dominant" partner in a relationship. But when infidelity happens, those of us who have been raised with these beliefs often feel like we’ve failed not just as partners, but as men. The societal pressure to always be in control or to "keep our partner" can make the pain of betrayal even more profound.

For many men, infidelity is experienced as a loss of power or emasculation, because traditional masculinity teaches us that our value is tied to our ability to protect and control our partner. This idea makes the betrayal feel not just like a personal loss but a failure of our identity as men. I’ve realized that much of the shame, humiliation, and inadequacy I feel is linked to the idea that I’ve somehow failed at being "man enough" in the eyes of the world.

But what if we challenged this narrative? What if we redefined what it means to be a man, especially after an experience like this? Instead of clinging to these ideas of masculinity that are centered around control, what if we found strength in vulnerability, in our ability to heal and rebuild ourselves, regardless of the actions of others? What if true masculinity isn’t about how much control we have over our partner, but about how we choose to reclaim control over our emotions and our own path forward?

I’m beginning to see that healing after infidelity might not require us to restore some traditional sense of masculinity or dominance. Instead, it’s about redefining ourselves outside of the patriarchal framework that places our self-worth on being in control. I’m learning that real strength comes from handling emotional pain, vulnerability, and rebuilding my self-esteem on my terms.

I’d love to hear from others who have experienced this. Do you feel like the expectations of traditional masculinity or societal pressure have shaped your emotional response to infidelity? Have you found that these pressures made the pain worse or changed how you approached healing? How have you worked to redefine your self-worth and rebuild your identity after such a betrayal?

I think we need to have an open conversation about how patriarchy not only harms us as individuals but also damages relationships by creating unrealistic expectations for both men and women. Maybe by redefining masculinity, we can build healthier relationships that are based on mutual respect and emotional honesty, rather than control and dominance.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

I reject the definition of masculinity as "control over one’s partner". No doubt there are some who believe that, but it’s categorically not mine. Sounds like something that comes from misandrist feminism.

I never felt control over my W. She had never been sexually active with anyone else. Her purity meant so much to me. She threw it away and de valued herself with a low life AP. My W is with me today by choice, I have always told her there is an open door policy, she is free to go any time, but don’t lie and cheat on me.

The premise is somewhat flawed but is worth discussion. That is, that the way we feel is more tied to cultural norms than biological programming. Perhaps both is true, but I lean more toward the biological than cultural.

A WW betrayal is a direct threat to a BH's identity as a strong mate, reportedly. I'm sure there's a lot more nuance there, but I think that's the fundamental position.

Your initial feelings flare up the fight/flight/flee lizard part of the brain. But then how you deal with it itself can be cultural. The overpowering initial emotional response at the core goes way beyond societal dynamics.

When my WF cheated on me, she cheated WAY down. I struggled with her choice but I didn't ever feel like it was a reflection of my masculinity. Don't get me wrong, I was crushed and wanted to destroy the little wimp. I fantasized about finding him out in some secluded area with no cameras. But even in the throes of my pain I never seriously doubted whether I was more masculine than he was. Rather, I took it as a rejection by my WF, that I wasn't her "type" and that bothered me quite a bit because we could have managed it by splitting up instead of what we both did.

People are going to treat you how they treat you. The $h1t sandwich that is served up to you isn't fair, but you get to consume it how you want (sorry for the disgusting analogy).

People are often flawed and stupid. The difference between success and failure is often simply honesty and integrity. If you manage your betrayal with some measure of strength and integrity, you'll come out of it better than if you don't. The only "control" that matters is self-control. Other people's opinions of you really don't matter. Only yours does.

Was this answer glib? Certainly. But I do believe it's worth discussing.

[This message edited by 1994 at 8:14 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

For many men, infidelity is experienced as a loss of power or emasculation, because traditional masculinity teaches us that our value is tied to our ability to protect and control our partner.

Interesting thoughts presented, but a couple thoughts.

I hadn’t ever heard "control" as a part of manhood.

I learned as a kid, control is an illusion — we can’t control anyone, ever.

I have found the one thing I can control is how I choose to face adversity.

Second, I initially did feel a sense of emasculation, but then I learned as I healed.

The AP got nothing on me.

He didn’t challenge me for my wife’s attention, he hid like a coward. AP and my wife kept secrets based on fear.
He dishonored his vows to his wife, he was a lousy father to his sons.

I kept my vows. I honored my time as a father.

I have never viewed myself as less - by any standard, especially compared to the very weak willed man who stepped out on his family.

He didn’t challenge me for my wife’s attention, he hid like a coward. AP and my wife kept secrets based on fear.

This is very good. It took some time to realize how pathetic the AP really was, he was willing to accept second place. I would never accept second place so it’s done in secrecy.

Also put me in the camp that rejects the idea that masculinity has anything to do with controlling one’s partner. That seems more like an insecure man vs. a masculine man to me. I have never thought that at all and I am a bit more traditional in nature. Masculinity to me is more about controlling ones emotion’s and being collected in the face of difficult situations or environments. Masculinity to me is the "rock" who is willing to face the eye of a storm. While infidelity hurt and it was most certainly embarrassing, I never felt that it threatened my masculinity. I was definitely humiliated – it’s a very humiliating experience to have your wife screwing other men, but I never felt that it made me less of a man or less masculine. If my sons knew what their mother was doing, they would also be humiliated, but that doesn’t somehow threaten their masculinity. Its just sad and humiliating as as f.ck. And yes I know some will probably judge me because my ex cheated – then again those that I know, who would judge me are pretty stupid. DASF.

I could certainly whip all of my exs APs assess and I knew that I was a better man than all of them as-well. Maybe if she would’ve cheated with someone of better value, it would of hurt my manhood more. IDK! There is nothing that is masculine about sneaking around like a coward and screwing married people. So for women who say, "Oh my AP was so masculine or whatever", I just chalk that up to broken bullshit and dumb justifications you hear from unreliable sources of information i.e., broken women. If you wanted to look up the definition of unreliable sources of information in the dictionary the "Cheater" would be right near the top. I think that masculinity definitely has something to do with being brave; and being brave means facing your greatest fears. That might include – leaving your cheating spouse and building a new dream or weathering the storm to salvage your dream you worked so hard for. IMO a masculine man is one who stands by his values and character. Is one who is brave. And is one that others can seek safety in during difficult times or situations because he will not become overwhelmed in the face of adversity. A masculine man is definitely one who will not have his life controlled by a cowardly cheater.

[This message edited by Fit43 at 7:50 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

I am not a man so I am going to tread lightly but I wanted to answer what control means here. I am not trying to answer any questions meant for men but to share my own observations surrounding the concept of control.

My husband isn’t controlling, has never been controlling.

However, in the face of infidelity I think a lot of men experience shame from societal expectations that they’re not even aware of.

As I have listened here and to my husband there is this almost unconscious thing that still exists of "head of household" and I don’t mean this is a toxic way.

It’s along the same lines of the old fashioned thing people used to say about men being "pussy whipped". You are unconsciously taught that it’s shameful not to be the one with the say.

I don’t think any (or I guess I should say "many") of you here or my husband would be all that bothered to be called that, as you have grown and evolved and society has evolved.

BUT when it comes to infidelity, we all have that lizard brain part of us that takes over when we are in survival mode. And for. A lot of men, including my husband I think there is this sense of "being weak"as it attacks the self worth component. I also think that women experience that too. Because opposite of "pussy whipped" is the notion that you don’t have your man "trained".

I never set out to "train" my husband. But still those feelings of loss of control of my life took over.

You guys do lose control, maybe bent over different gender norms- but it’s the precise reason many don’t move towards divorce- you don’t want to lose control of your finances, household, etc and the woman has put all that at risk, thus in essence, you have lost control over her. This is different than being controlling in a relationship. It’s more you don’t have any power over her, power meaning she used to be in love with you and things felt safe.

Okay I hope I didn’t disrupt the men’s discussion, but I feel those of you saying control is not an aspect might dig a bit deeper. I can’t speak for what it means to you or how it contributes to the pain, but I do think many of you did experience it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:52 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

I don't think it is *control* per se, I think that it is instead about whether we are INSPIRING those feelings of carnal, physical, and emotional attraction, in a woman. If the answer is yes, we feel great, but if the answer is no, then we feel emasculated. And if a woman is cheating on us, the answer is clearly NO.

It feels to many of us (I certainly cannot speak for everyone and I don't want to even try) that while the WP is 100% responsible for what she DID, we are also 100% responsible for who we ARE. I think that is why many of us feel totally inadequate as men when it comes to our WPs' affairs.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:07 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

The lizard part of my brain that took over didn't have anything to do with the notion of being pussy whipped or being called pussy whipped or anything like that. But the lizard brain was present and it was angry that I was so blantantly disrespected and couldnt really do anything about it. Rules and laws protect cheating cowards. Oh, I raged on that for a short while. That was short lived but my wifes AP deserved to have his ass beat into the ground.

He was a seriel cheater. And if his wife wanted to beat my ex's ass into the ground she deserved it too. I later found out - my ex is also a seriel cheater. Anyhow that was rage from disrespect towards threatining the safety of myself and the health of my children. My ex obviously placed little value on the wellbeing or the long term health of my children. It didn't take too long to direct my anger at my ex, right where it belonged. IDK, what do you do with someone who wants to live with no values. All you can do is leave their ass.

[This message edited by Fit43 at 8:12 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

The lizard part of my brain that took over didn't have anything to do with the notion of being pussy whipped or being called pussy whipped or anything like that.

Sorry just want to clarify, I used the pussy whipped thing as an example of societal programming, and not want as anything that had to do with cheating. I am just saying there are lots of ways growing up including men being called "head of household" and not to "be pussy whipped", that indicate men should be in control.

Sorry if I confused the issue. I just meant subconsciously that programming takes over is an an anspect after infidelity. (And I think really for both genders but in a different way because we are subject to different programming)

I would boil it down to this:

I

t’s more you don’t have any power over her, power meaning she used to be in love with you and things felt safe.

I think that’s the first time I ever quoted myself!! Lol

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:42 PM, Thursday, September 12th]

Fit43…
I am what I believe is a very moral person, way big on loyalty, and I hear you. But even my rage and anger couldn’t quiet my mind storm. I hear you, and your desire to protect your kids. I felt that too. I am not a man, but my lizard brain does not care. Burn this m’Fin house to the ground is all my lizard brain wanted to do 4 years ago. But 5 years out…I think I’m doing better. I haven’t burned anything to the ground except for texts between them and the idea that my marriage was safe. Everything else is still standing. Including my practice where people bring me this shit on a regular basis. LOL. And it is some bullshit! I’m here for you. This discussion has opened my eyes and heart!❤️

IDK there is mixed themes running through this thread #1 masculinity and perceptions of self worth and #2 The aspect of control. My self worth was never really brought to the ground if you will during my wifes affair. Of course it was hurt, but almost immediately I reconciled to myself that I would be OK and still saw myself as a person of high value. I knew no matter what I did want to lose all the things I valued about myself because of my wifes choices. And my story was extremely devastating, I was blindsided like no other. I have always been a happy go lucky person and extremely trusting. I can say that I am still extremely trusting and effort to see the best in others. Some joy has gone from my life but I also acknowledge that I've been through a traumatic experience and it will take time to rebuild that. I saw myself through my core values before infidelity and effort to even more so after.

The control thing was difficult. There is a great injustice in going through this and that rage is linked to a loss of control. I've just accepted that even though I try to right - some people don't. Know I just see those people for who they are and the lord can deal with that. Not being able to control the pain cast on my children is still a struggle. The fact that my kids spend half their time with someone who is capable of doing all the things my ex did and is unrepentant is still a struggle. The only thing I can control is accepting that I spent half my life with that person and that was not a well made decision on my part. I can't change my past or the mother of my children. I can only look at my mistakes and learn from them. Losing your life you built and dreams of the life you wanted for your children is a heartbreaking and humbling experience. What's so obvious now that was not so obvious in my marriage was that my ex and I have very different values around the ideas of family and integrity. And by no means am I perfect. But when pushed I know I will push to build and protect. That's what I believe about love and family. My ex didn't do that. In times of compassion I accept that she's working with the only tools she has.

Thanks, illuminating and thought provoking.

For me I rewired many things in my head and looked for new perspectives about who I am and what I believed in and admittedly some old school beliefs were present that needed removing. It provided me the opportunity to address long term issues that were subconscious and a huge period of personal growth. I now help others be more aware of chronic stress, undiagnosed PTSD and signpost them to other places to address things I saw in me, I see in them.

As for the AP, he was a serial cheater, I was interested in ensuring he was treating my FWW with respect and tenderness that I had perhaps not shown. He failed at the first hurdle and used guile and lies to get intimate with her, which she is still horrified by to this day, she has more shame than I on the issue.

I didn't feel shame or de-emasculated. I knew I had to fix myself and sought help. I found the wisdom and guidance of others so helpful when, like you, my head was scrambled and I was suffering panic attacks, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Oh the hurt, the physical hurt was the worst. Most of all I found and gave grace to myself and her.

I haven't done anything to the AP. I pity him, he's in need of help, but that's his responsibility not mine and beating him in a "manly fashion" like a fight is not an option, I no longer think like that, which is a positive outcome. It doesn't threaten me as I have grown to the point that my mindset is very different.

I've heard others say Disney movies has a great deal to answer for

I agree.

I felt emasculated, but it didn't take long to realize that my self-talk did not match reality. I pretty quickly saw that I was the same man after d-day that I was before. My plumbing still worked; actually it worked better after d-day than before. My work performance suffered greatly, but that's not an abnormal response to trauma; besides, I didn't like what I was doing to make money.

I have problems with this type of thread. All I know about infidelity is my own experience, and I don't know my still hidden motivations, fears, etc. I also know what a lot of SIers have said about their own responses to betraying and/or being betrayed - but I can't help remembering that I filter what I've read through my own internal lens; my internal lens is pretty objective, but I know it has blind spots. I think everyone does a significant amount of filtering.

I know there's a syndrome that some people call 'patriarchy', but I also know it's easy to knock out big holes in anyone's definition of the term.

From the guidelines:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

I believe this type of thread practically begs for over-generalization, and over-generalizations generate more heat than light.

So far, I think the responses have stayed within guidelines. Let's keep it that way.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:53 PM, Friday, September 13th]

After finding out about my xWifes's affair, I absolutely battled a strong sense of self doubt and feelings of powerlessness. I'll leave the the the sociological analyses to the professionals, and I'm in no way trying to speak for other men....but for me I discovered it was mostly about respect. Feeling like all I had given was in vain, or at worst stolen.

I envy those who have the chance at reconciliation, where I see remorseful wayward's doing what they can to remedy themselves and show their partners that they do in fact appreciate and respect them. At the end of the day, I can't force that on another person, and that's to me why infidelity was so painful. I thought she was choosing me of her own free will, but she chose herself instead. That shit hurts even it was mostly some misguided attempt at rebelling against the patriarchy.

I think the biggest thing for me was disappointment. I thought I married a morale upright righteous religious woman that would never cheat (that was how she presented herself). That led to doubt in myself as a husband and man (Hollywood likes to glamorize cheating as due to an inadequate spouse) and also my perception (how could I have been fooled). I never sought to control my wife because I thought she was trustworthy and faithful like me. I had a confidence and pride in her, of who I thought she was. Maybe I considered her a symbol of my success, I had a beautiful wife and a successful marriage. Not that I thought of her as a trophy or someone to be dominated (seems she got into that during her A) but as a partner, my support, my best friend. All of that changed from the A. It didn't help when she blamed me for causing her A with the chapters of the Cheater's Handbook. I did question myself as a man, husband, lover. I had no other support and kept it all in my head. Thank God for the folks on SI, that unfortunately they had gone or were going through the same things, I wasn't alone and the advice the vets and admins gave allowed me to regain a better perspective. It was truly helpful to see the same excuses and reasons for cheating over and over from so many posters.

how much is influenced by the societal expectations that have been placed on us, particularly those tied to traditional masculinity?

HUGE amounts

Instead, it’s about redefining ourselves…

That’s not fundamentally different from the previous expectation. You create a definition, and try to meet it. A new label. This is who I am.

I’m wondering if there isn’t something else, apart from the labels and roles.