SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OhItsYou and Lurkingsoul12 -

You’re right, this has been the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with, but it’s also incredibly difficult to communicate when I’m so conflicted about what I actually want. There are days when I think I want to work on the marriage and give it everything I have, and then there are times when I feel like I need to let it take its own course, whatever that might be.
My therapist keeps reminding me that figuring out what I truly want is crucial, whether I decide on reconciliation or divorce. I understand that, but being torn between both options makes it hard to move forward in any clear direction.
I’m trying to work through these feelings, but I know it’s a slow and painful process. That’s part of why I’m reaching out here—to get outside perspectives and try to make sense of what’s really best for both me and my wife. It’s been helpful to hear from others who’ve been through similar experiences, and it’s giving me some clarity, even if I’m still a long way from a final decision.

Superesse-

It’s not cliché at all. My therapist actually made the same suggestion, and there have been times when my wife has comforted me through physical touch. It really helped in those moments. But when my triggers became more intense and lasted for days, she started pulling away. I’m realizing that it’s probably connected to how I reacted—I did lash out at her in anger a few times, and that might have made her retreat.

This is why I sometimes wonder if I’m being unreasonable with her. I expect her to comfort me, but when she does, I’ve ended up lashing out in anger, which I know must have pushed her away. It feels like she either doesn’t fully understand what I need or she’s afraid of making things worse because of how I’ve reacted before.

It’s tough because while I need her support, I also recognize that my outbursts could make her hesitant to engage when I’m hurting. I think this is something we need to work on together—finding a way where she feels safe enough to offer comfort, and I can better manage my emotions when they run high.Thanks for bringing this up.

Trdd-

That’s a great suggestion. With how conflicted I’ve been about what I really want, it’s been hard to communicate clearly. Writing it down would give me space to express my thoughts without the pressure of an immediate emotional response, and it might help her process everything better. I’ll consider this approach—thanks for giving me a practical way to handle this.

sisoon-

Thanks for sharing that perspective. I haven’t read Dorothy Tennov’s Love and Limerence, but your conclusion about uncertainty being an essential part of love really resonates with me. The idea that love inherently involves risks—whether it’s misunderstandings, growing apart, or unforeseen life changes like illness or death—reminds me that love isn’t about guarantees, but about being open to the unknown.

This also makes me realize that my feelings for my wife are truly rooted in love and affection. But it’s got me thinking—is it also possible that I’m somewhat codependent on her? I’ve read that codependency can create its own tension, filled with fear and anxiety. Maybe that’s something I need to explore further, because the lines between genuine love and unhealthy dependence can blur when emotions are so strong.

I like how you framed it: life is full of uncertainties, and building resilience is key. I’ll keep this in mind and try to separate my true feelings from any fears that might be driven by codependency.

Twinflamed, what you seem to be experiencing is decision paralysis. After a significant trauma, the idea of making a decision for how you want to proceed is going to trigger an anxiety so strong that you just avoid it, kicking the can down the road until a time when you feel healed enough to make decisions for the future.

For two years, I couldn't make any important decisions. I couldn't plan for the future because I didn't know what kind of future there would be to plan for. I retreated inward almost entirely, dropping almost every hobby or activity I was involved with. It felt like a house of cards collapsing and then being tasked with deciding which cards to pick back up.

I'm happy to say that after two years, I've slowly been able to to handle more of those cards at the same time. But I'll never be able to forget the experience.

Hey everyone, I’m in deep anguish right now and struggling to process what’s happened over the past few days. I’ve been trying to create a safe space for my wife to open up to me. For the past month, I’ve been having conversations with her where I promised I wouldn’t lash out, get angry, or be judgmental. My hope was to reach a breakthrough in her thought process. Through these conversations, I’ve discovered certain things that happened during and before the affair that I hadn’t known about.

Two days ago, during one of these talks, I made sure to communicate in a way that not only helped her feel safe but also reassured her that I wouldn’t leave her unless she wanted me to (thanks to TheEnd for this valuable advice). She eventually broke down in tears and confessed something that has left me completely shaken. She told me that recently she’s been missing her affair partner for reasons she can’t fully explain and has been feeling an enormous temptation to contact him.

She said her therapist had encouraged her some time ago to share this with me, but she was terrified of how I’d react, fearing I would divorce her. The weight of her guilt and shame has been overwhelming, which is why she’s been withdrawing when I’m in pain. It’s like she feels too guilty to comfort me while dealing with these unresolved feelings for her AP.

This confession has left me speechless, disturbed, and restless. I’m really struggling to come to terms with this, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t lash out. I’ve been doing my best to remain calm, but this has shaken me to my core.

As I mentioned in my last post, you are both in a critical point in reconciling. You are doing great in creating a safe space for her, and it’s promising that she is opening up. But now is the hard part.

After the initial blow up upon discovery, emotions run so high and and things are so charged. Many don’t get past that, but after a few months or even years the enormity of hard road ahead creates different obstacles. For the BS it’s a feeling of flatness, and for the WS fact that they are looking at years of dealing with the destruction they caused is another.

In cases like yours where there is a highly emotional component the pull of the comfort of the AP is a huge challenge. They think about how happy they were with the AP, even if it was fantasy, versus the hell they are in now and will be for the foreseeable future. It doesn’t take much for a simple text like how are you from either party to put things back into play.

This might be conjecture, or a warning, but if they have had any contact whatsoever, even if it has no sexual context, this could have brought this on. I would just be super diligent in checking. Again, might never have happened, but it might have, and it still could.

Can you read her? Have you asked if she has had any contact at all? A text? Seeing him cross the street? Word from a mutual friend on how he is doing?

I would just be on super lookout. Otherwise you are right where you should be and are doing your best to save the marriage. You should be commended

I can't imagine the gut punch at hearing that. If you kept your cool, hats off to you.

Having said that, I'm not shocked by this. If affairs (not all) are about escape, what better time to contemplate the oasis of mind numbing escape? Her home is full of pain and tension. She wants reprieve.

This could be a good thing for you (don't punch your computer screen, I mean it). She's at a growth point in her healing. Will she revert to her old ways and run? Or will she stick with her therapy and her marriage and learn new ways to cope with not-so-perfect conditions? She could gain skills here. You could gain a wife that is a better version of herself and one you might want to trust.

If it goes the other way and she grabs at that old coping skill of distraction, escape and avoidance, you will know who you are dealing with and can make clearer decisions about your future.

It sounds to me, though, that by discussing it with her therapist and bringing it to you, she is trying to grow.

As a reminder: her growth and healing is on her. You can support but don't suppress your feelings for her comfort. She needs to learn. You need to be honest about what you're going through.

waitedwaytoolong-

I really appreciate the perspective you’ve shared about where we are in the reconciliation process. It’s true, we are at a critical point, and as challenging as it has been, I’m doing my best to create a safe space for her to open up, and I’m relieved that she has started to do so. But as you said, now comes the hard part.

I understand what you mean about the pull of the affair partner, especially when compared to the emotional toll of dealing with the aftermath of the affair. It makes sense that in moments of weakness, she might be tempted by the comfort and fantasy of what she had with the AP, even if it’s not real. I can see how that longing complicates things, especially as we try to rebuild trust.

In fact, I’ve already asked her about contacting her AP. She told me that she’s thought about it many times. She even wrote detailed texts but always got cold feet when it came to actually pressing send. She admitted it was only a matter of time before she would have given in to the temptation, which is why she finally came clean with her therapist. Her therapist advised her that exposing these temptations can help kill them, so that’s why she felt she needed to tell me.

Honestly, it took a lot for me to stay calm during that conversation. I didn’t go into interrogation mode because I couldn’t think straight—my brain was hurting. I knew I needed to at least pretend to be calm, which helped me hold it together. I’ve been working with my therapist on how to approach this and how to handle my emotions. My therapist has now given me a set of questions to ask her in order to see where she truly stands.

It’s tough because, along with the emotional triggers, there are also physical and sensory reminders of her affair partner that are complicating things. For instance:

1. There’s a sticker on her car with a motivational quote, "She believed she could, so she did," which was a gift from her AP. While she’s attached to the message because it gave her strength during tough times, it’s now a daily reminder of him.

2. She also told me that some of the songs we used to listen to together now remind her of him.

3. There’s also the fact that she wore the clothing I bought her for her birthday when she was with him, celebrating her birthday in a nearby town. Knowing that the outfit I gifted her was tied to that day with him has been really painful for me.

I know I need to ask her more about how these triggers affect her, but I’m not ready to face another round of gut punches yet. I’m preparing myself emotionally, but the thought of going through this process again feels overwhelming.

I’ll be super vigilant, as you suggested, and I’m going to take things step by step. I appreciate your encouragement—it means a lot to hear that I’m handling things as best as I can right now.

TheEnd-

I managed to keep my cool during the conversation with her because I had promised not to lash out. But honestly, once she was off the scene, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I ended up smashing my cricket bats against a nearby tree—one of them was even a gift from her. It was my way of releasing all the frustration and anger that I had been holding back.

Your point about this being a possible growth point for her is something I’m trying to focus on, but it’s hard. I can see she’s trying by bringing these things up in therapy and with me, but I can’t help but feel conflicted. Is she truly growing, or is this just another phase before she turns back to old habits?

I agree that I need to keep being honest about my emotions. I’ve been holding back a lot for her sake, but I’m realizing that doesn’t help either of us in the long run. I appreciate the reminder to stay true to what I’m feeling, even when it’s difficult.

1. There’s a sticker on her car with a motivational quote, "She believed she could, so she did," which was a gift from her AP. While she’s attached to the message because it gave her strength during tough times, it’s now a daily reminder of him.

This needs to go like tonight.

3. There’s also the fact that she wore the clothing I bought her for her birthday when she was with him, celebrating her birthday in a nearby town. Knowing that the outfit I gifted her was tied to that day with him has been really painful for me.

Immediately after the sticker goes, these should be trashed as well as anything and everything that is a reminder of him.

The detailed texts are very disturbing. Did you ask about the content. Are you sure nothing was ever sent ?

I totally understand where you’re coming from regarding the need to remove all reminders, but I haven’t asked her to trash anything because, ultimately, they belong to her. I don’t feel like I have the right to force her to get rid of them—it’s up to her to decide what to do with those items.

The sticker is already gone, she took it off on her own. But when it comes to the clothing, I’m not sure what her plan is. I haven’t pushed for her to throw it away, but it’s something we might need to discuss further if she keeps wearing it or if it remains an issue. I’m hoping she recognizes that keeping certain items tied to the affair will only make healing harder for both of us. I’ll just have to see how she handles it.

Regarding the texts, she told me that the content remains foggy to her because they were written when she was drunk. I don’t fully believe her on this, to be honest. It feels like there’s something she’s not telling me, but for now, I’ve decided not to pry about the contents. I’m simply not ready to dive into that yet. I’ll probably circle back to it when I feel more prepared for whatever those texts might reveal.

Great the sticker is gone! As far as the clothing and other things, if you want her to be 100% honest, you also need to do the same. If these things are bothering you, and possibly a roadblock to your getting to where you need to be, you shouldn’t be sugarcoating you feelings. It’s actually not fair to her. How can she rectify a situation if she doesn’t know about it.

If the clothes bother you tell her. My guess is she will help burn them. As far as the texts, let her know you don’t believe her and you need transparency.

You can’t expect her to read your mind. Now if you ask for these things and she says no, that’s telling too

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 3:06 AM, Wednesday, September 11th]

You’re right. The fact that she removed the sticker shows she understands these items cause discomfort, but I do need to make it more explicit. I’ll have that conversation with her and see where it goes.

Thanks for the push

What about a safe place for you?

I agree with the therapist if she said that sharing her thinking about her ap might diminish her desire to think about the ap.

I promised I wouldn’t lash out, get angry, or be judgmental.

So you promised to stifle yourself? IDK ... sharing the feelings that come up when your WS shares the crap they did is tricky, but if your WS can't love you when you're angry, what good are they to you? I didn't call my W names, but I certainly told her when I was angry or sad, and I did so with words and non-verbal communications. M is give and take. R is give and take.

Stifling yourself - whether it's not reacting normally or letting her keep reminders of ap - is no way to R successfully IMO. You need to be yourself. She needs to be herself. If you have a good fit, R. If you don't, kill the relationship before it kills you. My experience makes me concerned that you may be giving without taking. OTOH, you're not me ... but how much are you bending over to keep your M going? Are you sure you're bending over backwards?

When do you start getting your own needs met? Or are you getting them met without writing about it?

*****

A day or 2 or 3 after d-day I required my W gather everything she could think of that was associated with her A. We dumped everything that she or I wanted gone. We agreed on most things. She dumped some stuff that didn't trigger me in the least. I insisted on dumping some stuff she wanted to keep. We kept stuff that would have been expensive to replace.

Maybe going through an exercise like that would be helpful to your healing and to your WS's healing.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:33 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

Man, your wife is something else. It's been half a year since you started posting and she's still holding a torch for her AP? Why are you torturing yourself with this woman?

Twinflamed,

I understand very much what you are feeling and going through. I'm going to give you some advice, but I think you'll find it very hard to implement. The reason I say that is that I often knew what the path I most wanted was, but instead chose a path that I hoped would turn into a positive cycle.

You cannot promise to not get angry, even if you promise to not lash out. If you are angry, your wife should know. You need to go ahead and be angry. My wife half assed a lot of her efforts because she didn't know I was angry with her and that her efforts weren't enough. Things got better a lot faster once I was more straight up about what my feelings were and what I needed.

Let's take her affair momentos as an example. You want them gone. Burned, shredded, something, right? "But they are her possessions". Ok well it's also her body, and legally and morally you shouldn't physically stop her from fucking other people. But you sure as shit shouldn't keep her as your wife if that's what she is doing.

Part two, and this might seem counterintuitive because maybe you think she only admitted feelings she is having now for her AP because you created a safe space, but I do think it is a good thing she is being honest with you about that. I encourage that you both be honest to this level. She is sharing feelings she knows you might not like. You have to do the same.

I think her being honest about that is more encouraging than her claiming she feels nothing and he is dead to her. Emotions don't turn on a dime like that. It wasn't until year two after dday that my wife said something like "wow I was a real piece of shit to you" when a thread that paralled ours hit the front page of reddit.

It's a long hard road, and the sooner you can be honest with your negative emotions to your wife, the sooner this will be over. This almost always has to be learned first hand though. So I'll be shocked if you don't continue to give and give until you are well and truly emotionally exhausted.

The approximate point in my first thread where I was in a similar position:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/642801/wife-of-almost-ten-years-is-emotionally-cheating-on-me/?ap=221

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:43 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Ok, I don't post very often anymore,but I remembered reading your original thread. My W had suicidal ideation, but she was in therapy at the time and they intervened. BH happily reconciled.

I say this with utmost sincerity. Are you really sure you want your M?

Look sometimes we cling to things that are familiar because it seems like familiar would be safe. Different isn't less or more safe it is just different.

I don't know anything except what you've shared here. I don't feel your W has reached remorse. She is still exhibiting wayward behaviors. Those can't co-exist with the remorse you'd need to see from her to stomach the shit sandwich. Until I saw my wife crying on the floor for what she did to me and how much it pained her to see me struggle I never believed a word she said.

I know your instinct will be to disagree, but she is still mostly focused on herself. Protecting herself. Everything that you do hurts her, shames her or makes her walk away. That is not remorse. Typing up long texts to her AP, but not sending them. Oh, right, she was drunk.

Think on that for a minute. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. Helps someone ignore consequences. She is still a fews drinks away from breaking no contact? A bad argument to justify... She needs to learn and develop boundaries in IC while working through why she wanted to contact him. A WS pinning for the AP crushes a BS. It happens, but it shouldn't be your job to help her work through that.

All that tells me even 5-6 months later she would still be talking to him if the filters came off. She is not safe for you. She is familiar, but definitely not safe

Based on what you've shared you are not in R. She has a lot of work to do before she is ready to hear about your side of this.

I am really sorry. I am. It kills me to see myself in all the new BS. 6 months out is nothing In healing from infidelity. Any WS can fake being all in for 6 months. Not saying your W is, but it happens more than it doesn't. KWIM.

You've said it yourself she seems to losing patience. Again, that is selfishness with some regret, but definitely not remorse. Trying to rebuild a marriage right now would be building it upon a severely damaged foundation. Table that for now.

You need to detach. You need space from your wife. She knows how to trigger the KISA in you. (knight in shining armor). It keeps you close enough and provides an emotional ego kibble for you. Talk to your IC about co-dependecy issues. This likely is a pre dday thing and warrants exploration with an impartial third party.

I am happily reconciled today, but it took me the better part of a decade and thousands of dollars of therapy to get there.

Whatever happens I hope you find healing and peace. That takes lots of different forms BTW. Some you rebuild and some you move on. The goal is being happy with yourself and your decision.

Twinflamed, There’s so much unhealthy attachment all around. Your wife to the AP and you to your wife. Ideally you should both take a break from each other and work on your issues. Then reconvene to see if you both are capable of reconnecting in a healthy manner. It’s highly possible she might reconnect with the AP during your break and you then know what to do.

I know everyone talks about the affair fog. You don’t have to sit around waiting on the sidelines for her to get out of the fog, while you process your own trauma. It’s unfair and it’s unreasonable . If being drunk makes her want to contact her AP, maybe she should stay away alcohol.

First, I want to thank everyone who has shared advice and support with me. Your words have truly helped me during this difficult time. There have been moments when I didn’t know which way to turn, and your insights have been a source of strength. I really appreciate it.

Now for an update. After my wife’s recent confession that she still has lingering thoughts about her affair partner, I worked with my therapist to put together some questions for her. I needed to understand where her mind is and how she’s truly feeling. She answered honestly, and while I’m grateful for that, her responses have left me feeling conflicted and unsure about where to go from here.

She admitted that she still struggles with feelings for him and that certain triggers, especially when she’s feeling low, bring him to mind. Even though she says she’s committed to working on our marriage, I can’t shake the feeling that we’re both still lost in this mess. There’s so much healing to be done, and right now, I’m not sure we can do it together.

After thinking it over, I’ve decided to take some time apart from her. This wasn’t an easy decision, but I need space-space to figure out what I really want and to clear my head. I’ve also decided to take a solo vacation to get away from everything and try to gain some perspective. I’m hoping that some distance will help me see things more clearly.

I’m continuing to work with my therapist, but I’m not sure where this will lead. If anyone has been through something similar—whether it’s a temporary separation or taking time away on your own-I’d really appreciate any advice you can offer. I’m just trying to find my way through this.

I really feel for you bud, but you're in a self-imposed purgatory atm and she isn't a safe partner, and no matter how you try to slice this, her heart is still not with you. Only regret I see and zero remorse...

Remember that their affair was a highly charged one and she will not just turn off the feelings like that, so with you trying to "win" her back, I fear will be futile...

You do know that with this "space" thing, that she will for sure reach back out to her AP right? Always remember that, you can't force someone to be faithful, it's either they are or they aren't...

Get yourself out of this purgatory now...

[This message edited by Byebyebirdie at 4:18 PM, Thursday, September 26th]

It took me a year to ask for a some time apart. It was only two weeks "apart" (each of us taking a week in a nearby airbnb because we still had to help with the kids) when we had planned on doing more total time. The first week was really great and helped me clarify what I wanted and needed. The same for my wife. We came back with written goals and an plan to actually achieve R, not the half assed shit I put up with for a year.

One thought that crosses my mind for myself, while in my emotionally protective shell, is that it’s pointless to fear/care about what else might could happen with a continuation of the affair. Because if she’s gonna lie & cheat, I can’t stop her since she’s gonna do whatever it is that she’s wanting to do. Her choice as a grown woman & all I can do is find out after the fact & then deal with the situation. As far as the anxiety goes, I take medicines and/or be shifting my focus on another positive outlet of some sort for my own mental wellbeing. Had to take klonopin for a while. Trembles have been so bad I couldn’t even write with a pen… Anyways, the point is that I rely on my psychiatrist mostly. At least a numb facade is better than those other terrible feelings.

Dear twinflamed,

I’m sorry you are still facing certain aspects of the emotional side of the affair. I am hoping my experience can help you.

BTW I wholeheartedly support your decision to take time away.

My H had a typical midlife crisis affair. Turning 50, decides he’s "unhappy" and finds a much younger OW. You get the picture.

He comes home one night, admits to the affair and makes it seem like it was a one time thing. Next thing I know 10 days later he wants a D.

Like you I’m devastated and shattered.

Logically I knew I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. I had no $, mortgage I cannot pay myself, no idea if he plans to even pay child support etc.

So I swallowed my pride and did what I could to try to reason w/ him (aka the pick me dance) and get my act together.

Like you, I watched my H "say" he wanted to R BUT he was miserable. Obviously missing the OW and comparing me to her etc., putting forth NO effort to recover.

So I started planning for my future as single. Not dating or anything like that but recognizing I’m not going to be married much longer. Accepting the future.

Next 3 months are pure hell. One minute he wants a D (because he was still cheating with the OW unbeknownst to me) and the next minute he doesn’t want a D.

Sadly I let him keep me in the emotional roller coaster for 6 months. It nearly destroyed me. I list weight and could not sleep (45 minutes a night was all I got) and I physically shook every day.

I didn’t know he was still cheating but I knew something was off.

Dday2 I finally got off the roller coaster. I made a decision much like you did. I’m glad You finally decided to put yourself first and stop holding on to the past and the person your wife was, and see her for who she is now.

She is at least honest with you. But I’m sure it must hurt like a knife to know YOU are changing who you are for her and she’s still thinking of the AP.

I often say it’s not the affair that kills the marriage. It’s the behavior after the affair (by the cheater) that kills the marriage.

My two cents is that you need to stop changing yourself for her. You don’t get angry to appease her. You don’t share your true feelings to appease her.

And she has the audacity to wish she was still with the OM.

Dday2 me - oh hell no! And bye!

Your wife doesn’t appreciate how lucky she is.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:04 PM, Thursday, September 26th]