Backstory, fWH is a first responder and works in a major metropolitan city for one of the largest FD in the country. The call volume is high and he’s getting the experience he needs because he wants to eventually apply to an air evac as a flight medic. He’s been at this new job for 5 months. Lately he’s been having some medical issues that landed him in the ER twice in the past 6 wks(relatively minor it turns out). Also, his 82 yr old father’s health continues to decline - he has multiple health issues, lives alone 1hr away, refuses to even consider moving in with us so we (or rather, I) can help him on a daily basis. H thinks that his dad’s health issues is causing him so much stress that that’s what is causing HIS own health issues because he’s so worried. I am worried too about his father - it’s not easy trying to convince a very stubborn man to change things in his life; he’s physically falling apart literally, but his mind is sharp. So there’s that. The past two days, H has been talking to me about quitting his job and going back to his old job. Now about the old job. This is where a TON of our issues began. You can look thru some of my old postings about how much I despised that workplace and the people there. More backstory - H is retired military, served over 20+ yrs active duty; when he started in this career path after retirement, he ended up at this FD that is very structured like the military (hierarchy is similar to military, with Chain of Command, Lieutenants, Captains, Commanders, EMS & Fire Chiefs, etc etc). My H absolutely thrives in an environment like that bc that’s what he’s used to. The problems started when he got involved in a stupid juvenile "clique" of firefighters and EMS guys (& some women) and felt like he had to be like them, act like them, talk like them, heck he even grew a damn mustache to be like them!! I saw this man I loved and admired, start acting like a frat boy; they added him to a group text and would exchange the raunchiest jokes, memes, disgusting pics, and yes porn. (women weren’t part of this group text). Our text messages download onto the iPads and other Apple devices we have, so I was aware of the language and content. I expressed my feelings and concerns about how they would act in those texts, the things they talk about, who they make fun of, and I told him I didn’t like the graphic porn pics they pass around. It would be something like a picture of say, a bigger woman they pulled off a porn site, graphic, everything exposed, close up - you get the idea and then pass that photo around with comments like, oh this is so and so’s GF or just some dumb shit like that. It got to the point where then my H started to hide the texts. Which is a big no-no since his A. One time we went on a mini-anniversary weekend to Chicago, stayed in a 5 star hotel, had a suite, went to the best restaurants, the whole nine yards. Only to find out that the WHOLE time we were there, my dumbass H was texting his boys back at the fire station the whole time. Jokes, memes, dirty pics, the same shit. Like he couldn’t even stop and remove himself from the group text for ONE weekend. I was heartbroken when I saw the phone bill and saw they had exchanged over 1500 text messages in a 4 day period. We had a HUGE fight over that - and the first time in my life I told him I’d be okay if we split up. He was shocked I said that. I was shocked I said it out loud! Like I was so DONE with being in competition with other people for my own husband’s attention that I was yes, willing to walk away. He told me that he felt accepted by his peers and in order to feel accepted he has to engage in this behavior. I call bullshit. We had so many fights over these "friends". So many. We just drifted further and further apart and that’s when he started texting an old female friend he grew up with and that was the beginning of an EA. I discovered this almost immediately and confronted him - and then exposed the EA to her family and our family. It was nothing short of a shit show. That happened and I should have asked him to find another job but I didn’t. I also noticed an uptick in female friends he was adding to his social media. Some were classmates he was in school with (EMS school, basic, advanced and paramedic schools - all over the last three years). I am generally "okay" with female friendships. But I noticed he likes their photos all the time, he will engage with them over social media all the time, sometimes texting back and forth with one or two female employees about nothing really - weekend plans, a work schedule, an overtime request- nothing out of the ordinary, BUT it made me very uncomfortable. Because his 2012 Affair started off like this - "just friends". His EA in Dec 2022 started like this, "we’re just friends". He didn’t always initiate the texting, sometimes they did. But obviously they feel comfortable enough to do that so they do. I’m always torn up about it because I fear, will this be the next EA??? So maybe I’m not so comfortable with female friendships - it's a huge issue with me. Anyway, he worked there for 2 yrs. And in those 2 yrs he changed into a man I didn’t like very much. He disagrees that he changed. But ppl who change always deny that they have 🙄 In January of this year, he came to me and said he needed more experience and a higher call volume than he was getting at his current job. He needed this because he wanted to start looking at flight medic opportunities. I was elated - this meant LEAVING that toxic workplace. He interviewed and got offered a job and started in February. The texting with the old group has pretty much leveled off. They still text but it’s not nearly as often or as much as when he was there. He’s still part of the group text. Which I’m like, why?? you don’t even work there anymore? I felt like if he’s not there, then this will taper off eventually. Taking the new job has made life so much better for us. The new job offers him better hours - so that’s better for us. Much better pay - definitely better for US. No toxic friends . But now this new development. His father declining in health, his own health issues (all GI related) have now changed his focus - he’s now wanting to go back to the old job. He says because in the new job, he’s the new guy. And he’s not making the friends and connections he made like he did at his old job. Also, the old job is closer to his father. That’s the biggest reason he’s claiming - being in closer proximity to his dad. We live in between both jobs - 40 miles north to old job, 40 miles south to new job. His dad lives closer to the old job. I disagree and think he needs to stay at this new job. Going back to the mouth of the beast that nearly broke us is not an option. I know he’s disappointed that I’m not on board. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable if he went back there? (is burning the whole ass MF’er down an option?) I’m panicked, paranoid, sad, conflicted. Him working there nearly broke us. I expressed my concerns very clearly - I explained why it wouldn’t be a good idea. He’s adamant he’s a different man, a changed man, and that what happened there won’t happen again. I’m just not convinced. So, am I the asshole for not wanting him to go back there??? I need the SI hive to help me make this make sense!
