SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know the saying by now "they always affair down" … this couldn’t be more true in my case.

Seriously, what a slap to the face … her, really? The OW was nasty, old fuckin trash - literally 10 years older than me trash … high gum line, horrendously over plucked eyebrows that never grew in from the 2000s, she’s a member of the itty bitty T committee and an ass as flat as a pancake. Like, when I discovered who she actually was and what she looked like … I laughed so hard and literally walked up to my H with her photo on my phone and said "Buzz your gf, woof." 🐶 My H said there was absolutely zero attraction to her (one thing I actually 110% can believe).

The OW was nothing special, she maneuvered her way to my H by feeding him those ego kibbles and then just went for it. She tried to make a pass at him from a "romantic" stance by kissing him … that didn’t work. Then she just full on touched his D and offered to give him a BJ. You realize lady that he’s been sweating his bag off in 35 degree heat for 12 hours and is covered in grease and sweat … disgusting, do you have any kind of self respect? She degraded herself horribly thinking it would be enough to win my H over … maybe he might want to leave me, fall in love with her, or perhaps they would run off into the sunset together 🤣 Seriously lady, you got used and frankly a very very shitty deal out of the wannabe "A," as I call it.

Anyways … part of my rant is I wish I could just laugh in her face and tell her how pathetic she is and that she was never going to "win" my H. She’s no prize and neither is he! If you’re the OW/OM do you actually feel special? Are they trying to tell themselves they have some sort of significance?

My H dropped you lady, dropped you like yesterdays news … then you decided to come at my H again to see "how he was doing" and he told you to F off and to never speak to him again … I hope in that instant you felt your worth c*ntface. Do you think that’s a kick to the gut? Do you think they realize in a moment like that just how pathetic and worthless they were/are?

Ugh. Thanks for listening.

I really wish I could laugh about how ugly my WH's AP was. I envy those who can objectively say that they know they are more attractive than the AP. In my case, the AP was much younger, thinner, hotter, and just incredibly beautiful. It haunts me and has severely damaged self confidence. But at the end of the day he STILL affaired down because I'm the total package: successful, accomplished, educated and intelligent, beautiful without needing make up and salon procedures, and I'm a good person. The AP is a weak, manipulative, immature deadbeat who knows that her only worth is in her looks. And yes, he did drop her like the trash that she is. But I wish I could say she was ugly. I wish I could look at her pictures and wonder why he was attracted to her.

Tealchicken

I can only imagine how beautiful you are both on the outside and inside. I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what the OW looks like … they could be a super model or they can be a shrek. Regardless, their soul is ugly and it’s people like them that make this world an ugly place to be in sometimes. Honestly, I told my H I wish she would of been attractive because I least I could see how he could get off to someone who looks like a super model, but nope … the bottom of the barrel was scrapped with this OW (just shows how desperate and pathetic cheaters are). For me, it felt like a slap to the face, not only was she physically ugly, she is also a decade older than me - I just don’t understand. I want her to know that she never ever stood a chance against me. I hope she knows that. In your case that bitch’s looks will fade away and she will be left with nothing. Also, your H dropped her too … that should tell her what she was worth.

I don’t really know who is ‘hotter’ out of me or his AP but I do know she had a lot of features that my WH would normally say he didn’t like. She is over weight, has piercings and tattoos everywhere and smokes. The only thing that she had that is up his ally is the slutty tight cleavage/leg showing clothes she wears. I remember him telling me my style was a bit different, like from the 80’s. I quickly told him in don’t give a fuck what some one who lives in board shorts and thinks stripper clothes are ‘attractive’ thinks. What I wear is actually considered stylish and I get plenty of compliments. Douche bag.

I personally don’t care what people look like and what people choose to do to their bodies is their choice - if they are nice people then they are beautiful. But to me she is now UGLY! No woman who can do this to another women is beautiful.

As for my shitty WH I have told him if I ever here him say anything negative about another woman’s appearance again I will remind him, picture and all, who he decided to potentially give up his marriage, kids, family home and job to fuck. And by the way you are a forty something over weight, balding many who is no fucking oil painting and the only reason he got a woman’s panties to drop is because she was as desperate and pathetic as him. She has actually fucked three guys at their job now. Classy!!!!

[This message edited by Webbit at 10:51 AM, Friday, July 12th]

My wife’s AP was, by most women’s standards, very attractive. I know who he really is, but he , as our small towns funeral director, has the entire community believing he is such a wonderful man. He’s a predator who is a serial cheater. I’d love to blow his lifestyle out of the water but that’s not who I am. It sucks to have to listen to people ramble on about how wonderful he is but sit back and keep my mouth shut. It’s not fair, but life isn’t fair either. 🤷🏼‍♂️

WWs AP is definitely an attractive guy, and he did a fantastic job at playing the sensitive but tough, dedicated husband who works tirelessly to support an ungrateful wife. For sure many women are into him.

Doesn’t bother me at all. Hell, he might even be considered more physically attractive than me. Nothing I can do about it. Lots of guys are way more handsome and charming than me. Doesn’t matter, because the marriage agreement said it didn’t matter how many beautiful people who are better than me are out there. We chose each other.

The whole deal was to forsake all others, not drop me because a dude starts getting stars in his eyes and throws cheap lines.

Most people in relationships find other people attractive. Especially in a marriage, the point is to turn to your partner and say, "yup I made the right choice"

APs of course know how pathetic they are, they wouldn’t be OM/W if they didn’t. That’s part of the point of the affair, to fuel the narrative that they aren’t pathetic and pretend they are somehow not the person who they really know they are.

Heartbrokenwife23,

Thank you for the kind words, and I apologize if I was implying that you were somehow lucky that your AP was ugly. I think it's one of those things that's just different kinds of hard. Whether the AP is more or less physically attractive, it's just a different kind of mind fuck. There isn't one that's better or easier to deal with.

It's something I do struggle with but the concept of affairing down helps me with that because it's about so much more than appearance.

Anyway, I was having a tough night and I hope it didn't come across as I was coming at you!

I knew my H AP existed as his coworker, even saw her profile photo on fb , heard her on work calls, nothing about her was attractive and I sure didnt see her as a threat. Even on D day I believed she was just a friend when he lied to me bc in my mind there was no way my H could ever betray me and the kids for someone like that....

When my H brother caught wind and saw her photo , he asked if it was a joke, we actually are usually always sarcastic and make fun of each other and he even said :"If he was gonna cheat on you, you'd think he would find someone hotter."
... She was nothing to look at, she wasn't at all my H type other than she was trashy, cussed non stop, and made my H think he was as funny as Jim Carrey. She uses an old photo of herself on fb from probably two kids ago and she looks nothing like that now, even then she was ick

What bothers me is my H hated when I smoked (when we first met) I quit with our second child 7 years ago and haven't looked back.
He told me she smoked and vaped.... two things he absolutely hates. When I questioned him about it he told me he didn't care about her health so it didn't bother him and he wasn't in it for the long run plus im sure it added to his idea of what trashy is.

She was a fake horrible colored blonde, no butt, barely any hair, barely made any money, couldn't keep a dad for her three kids, and was really really dumb. (Sorry).

Once we confided in his old boss what he had done his wife pulled me aside and told me she had met her at the Christmas party this past year and she had to double ask if that was her because of how unattractively trashy and dumb she was. She said she was shocked to think my H had an affair with her but of course unless you have been cheated on or cheated on someone you don't get the effed up logic.

My H said he didn't even pay attention to the color of her eyes and couldn't even tell me what they were, he didn't care one bit about her or the way she looked , only how she made him feel masculine, smart ,funny, and apparently wealthy.

He did tell me that during the A, he found her hot but couldn't tell me anything physically he found "hot" about her because there was nothing, he felt hot, that was it. His fragile little ego needed someone way beneath him and me to feel good about himself because he refused to make the necessary changes.

Webbit

That’s one way this shitstorm has changed me … I used to judge. The saying "beauty is only skin deep" hits so true. Honestly, the OW could have been a super model, but any woman that knowingly pursues a married man is despicably ugly. I also pull out photos of her from time to time and go really?! How embarrassing.

Copingmybest

It would be so hard not to out someone who portrays the perfect image. I feel many of us BS’s have had to remind ourselves a time or two, not to sink to their level of scum.

HINHF

"We chose each other." Right? Like, how could you be so selfish to choose someone else, or yourself … or however you want to phrase it over the person you promised to love unconditionally.

Tealchicken

No offence taken at all. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Beautiful, ugly, fit, fat … it all falls under the same ugly umbrella.

The only exposure I ever had to an affair was how they portray them in the movies. When I discovered my husbands A, I had it pictured like he was leaving me to be with this gorgeous, successful woman that he fell in love with. Good lord … I couldn’t have been more wrong! When I discovered who she was physically I was dumbfounded - I could say with 110% confidence there would of been zero attraction to her and the only attraction he had to her was that she made herself pathetically available.

I guess for me my H is still a very attractive guy, I can see why she would pine after him. I guess the bottom line is I just don’t want her thinking she was something special or physically appealing to him because she wasn’t. Not even close. I just hope she knows that.

Once again, no need to apologize! I empathize with you and your feelings 100%

Groot

This is exactly my thought … she was never a "threat." I knew she existed, but didn’t know anything about her other than she was married and had children … again, no threat to me or my marriage 🙄 I also texted her picture to everyone that knew … they also were in awe 🤢 … I made sure I let my H know that everyone was now aware of her "looks."

"…unless you have been cheated on or cheated on someone you don't get the effed up logic." So true. While I don’t fully understand a cheaters logic, I do understand there the affair fog is real.

I am. It sucks to have to listen to people ramble on about how wonderful he is but sit back and keep my mouth shut. It’s not fair, but life isn’t fair either

This is how it is with my WH...he is * that person in our community.

It gets under my skin in a big way. he would lose a lot of respect amongst his peers , my family and our mutual friends if they knew what he has done.

Now that he has relapsed with his porn addiction , I am less inclined to cover for him , should I leave him.
I won't post it on a billboard , but I will tell people close to me what he has done to me

It doesn't matter what they LOOK like...it matters how they make each other FEEL. My H's thought when he saw the adultery co-conspirator for the first time was, "She'll do". His A was with a stranger he met while working alone overseas. She wasn't the first one he contacted...she was just the first one who said YES to NSA sex . My H said this RUSH feeling from her saying YES was very intoxicating. The "I love you's" started a few weeks into the A .

Adultery co-conspirators can be ANYONE...and are nothing more than two SELFISH people who USE each other to get their desires met. We can drive ourselves CRAZY trying to understand something that makes no sense at all to sensible people who don't ACT on feelings and desires.

Do you think they realize in a moment like that just how pathetic and worthless they were/are?

I can't speak for ALL adultery co-conspirators...but in MY case...I know for a fact that my H and his adultery co-conspirator sure felt that way...and I was able to witness it firsthand with my H . He told me on Dday how the adultery co-conspirator told him that all she wanted was for him to be HAPPY...even if it wasn't with her. Yeah right . He was so sure of it that he wrote that in his NC message to her...that I was the one who made him happy...so he knew that this would make her happy . The reply he got from her the next morning left it very clear that this was NOT at all what she wanted . She called him a FOOL for thinking that anyone else but HER could make him happy !! He got so ANGRY because he realized he had been LIED to. Go figure...someone who was willing to sleep with a married man would lie to him also??!! You just can't make this stuff up!!

A few weeks later the adultery co-conspirator sent an email to my H saying how him not replying to her and blocking her on Whatsapp and his phone made her feel like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. Those were HER exact words. My H then deleted that email address so we didn't get anymore emails like that from her...but it was enough to know exactly how SHE felt about his NO CONTACT with her.

No matter WHAT the circumstances...anyone who will stoop low enough to indulge in an A...is definitely going DOWN!

To talk of " affairing down" can, IMO, invite unwanted mental comparisons with the AP. You really don't want to enter that downward vortex of loss of self worth. A place which in my case, nearly wrecked Reconciliation early on soon after DDay. I had a wildly expanding inventory of ways in which I felt inferior. Stature, wealth, physical endowment..you name it and I felt I was less... it took a lot of time in IC to counter that spiraling downward. It only really changed when WW showed me in multiple ways that she understood how deeply she had damaged me as a person and worked her butt off to rebuild connection and gain my trust. The words " I am forever grateful that you decided to stay and offer me the grace of Rec as I know my depravity would be too much for most men. You are by far the better.man than AP " coupled with what I see as sincere, sustained changes in her behaviours over the past two years meant I could begin to heal. This was the moment when I stopped thinking in the single mode as an aggrieved BH and began to think of " Us, a couple " again. I have not regretted my choice, my decision to seek to create a new bond between us.