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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
D’s Impact on the Kids

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 WhoRYouNOW (original poster new member #84995) posted at 4:56 AM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

I have stayed for the kids, since DD1, planning to wait 16 years before I leave. During that time, I lost all self respect, but was able to be a father to my children. Since the most recent DD, my loneliness is off the charts and I have been struggling to overcome my trauma and depression.

My meetings with lawyers paint a horrible picture for me, but I feel like I can’t take it anymore, so I set another for Thursday with the expectation of moving forward now, regardless of the courts.

My biggest concern is for my daughters. WW is a bit of a wildcard and as a SAHM she is likely to get custody and move away. The girls are 16 and almost 13, does anyone have experience divorcing at such a difficult age? Is this a bad idea, since it is rooted in relieving my daily pain? I don’t know if I can make it another 5 years, but feel like the decision makes me as selfish as my STBXWW. I realize being miserable sets a horrible example for them, but I am nervous about how they will react to the changes that are inevitable.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Me- BH 49- WW/SAHM 46- 23Y M 2 actually good years
4 Amazing Kids- 22M, 19M, 16F and 13F
Multiple DDays and infidelities 9 yr LTA with sons travel Lacrosse Coach and STD, multiple EA’s and PA’s

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8841813
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Is this a bad idea, since it is rooted in relieving my daily pain?

Absolutely not, I left to save myself from the pain. You are not selfish for looking after yourself. If you will be a healthier parent and a healthier YOU by D'ing then by all means it's the best decision for YOU.

Also since I see you are in the US nowadays the fathers get 50/50 custody and she cannot move very far as that would be outside the court's jurisdiction unless you allowed it. Make sure you ask for the 50/50 custody when you file. Make an appointment with a few lawyers, usually the initial consult is free. This way you will get an idea of what custody arrangement you would be looking at. The court will expect your wife to find a job especially since the kids are teenagers they will question why she can't work.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8841870
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 WhoRYouNOW (original poster new member #84995) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

CB-

I appreciate the response, more than you know.

She was working for a bit during the A, but decided to quit recently, hoping to change careers and focus on the kids again. She was a RE Agent and randomly decided to stop working because it was hard and unfulfilling. Unfortunately, she did this without speaking with me about it first, so we had a tough conversation with no resolution. I knew she wasn’t happy with it, but she is unreliable and there are only a few remaining options to ease my pain.

I am perusing one of those options on Thursday.

Me- BH 49- WW/SAHM 46- 23Y M 2 actually good years
4 Amazing Kids- 22M, 19M, 16F and 13F
Multiple DDays and infidelities 9 yr LTA with sons travel Lacrosse Coach and STD, multiple EA’s and PA’s

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8841879
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:13 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

She was a RE Agent and randomly decided to stop working because it was hard and unfulfilling

Ask your lawyer whether he/she thinks the court might look upon your wife’s quitting as voluntary, and therefore she would be able to resume employment if she chose to. This could favorably impact your settlement.

posts: 387   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8842061
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 6:07 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2024

I do t think I am allowed to cut and paste my post from another thread, but you might want to look at my post in Hopetohealsoon's threat in this category. It might give you a perspective post D.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8842420
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 WhoRYouNOW (original poster new member #84995) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2024

JSGuy
Good post and thank you.

Me- BH 49- WW/SAHM 46- 23Y M 2 actually good years
4 Amazing Kids- 22M, 19M, 16F and 13F
Multiple DDays and infidelities 9 yr LTA with sons travel Lacrosse Coach and STD, multiple EA’s and PA’s

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8842444
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