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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Got through Anniversary of Dday #1 unscathed

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 Blackbird25 (original poster member #82766) posted at 7:11 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

June 1 2012 was when fWH told me he wanted a D, and was moving out of our home. June 2 2012 he moved out. Over the course of the next two weeks he retained an attorney and began the process of filing for D. I remember those days so vividly. I felt like everything was traveling at the speed of light. He wanted to move out, move in with OW, get the D - not in that particular order but still. He wanted to get everything wrapped up and over and done with so he could move on with his new life. I remember thinking that I was on this bullet train, everything happening so fast, decisions to be made, I was in shock, cried all the time, could barely function, I wanted to die every single day, I lost a ridiculous amount of weight on this "trauma diet". It was the most horrific experience I’ve ever had to deal with. Two weeks went by after he’d dropped this bomb on us and blew up our lives. It was Father’s Day weekend. We got into this HUGE argument, like UGLY. I will forever regret my part in it and for doing this in front of our son. Anyway we were in each others’ faces yelling, cursing - the last 6 months of our life just came spilling out - he was never a person to berate me, speak down to me, he never said an unkind word to me about my looks, about my baby weight, nothing ever like that - but that day, he just let loose and spoke to me in a way he’d never done before, said horrible vile things to me that I’d never heard come out of his mouth before. Emotions were high and he’d never ever struck me or raised a hand at me - heck we never even spanked our kids. That day he did get violent and struck the wall, he also slammed his fist into the kitchen cabinet drawing blood from the cuts on his knuckles. As he moved to walk past me, some of the blood from his hand transferred to the sleeve of my shirt and onto my upper arm. At that same moment our son walked in and first thing he saw was blood on me and he lost it. When H started to get out of control I did dial 911, thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to defuse the situation. Two police officers show up and we give our statements, then they interview our 11yr old son - and asked him how his mom (me obviously) got blood on her, and he said "dad did it". So H was handcuffed and arrested and hauled off to jail. Looking back I hated how that was handled - BUT the arrest got him out of the house (I mean we were supposed to be separated and he was living at his moms house). They took him and in the scuffle I ended up with his backpack, laptop, phone in my possession. After getting my son situated and calm, I scoured through the phone and laptop and copied and transferred a ton of incriminating information - texts msg, fb posts, messages, photos, emails. Name address and phone number of AP and OBS name and info. Called AP - which to this day I’m not sure if I should have done that. I gifted her a glimpse of my pain and she didn’t deserve to know anything about me. But I did confront her and told her I had all her photos, emails, msgs, all of it. Funny how APs when confronted aren’t as bad ass as they think they are when they’re the dirty little secret. Now that she was outed, I called his family, a few friends, and then I called OBS. This happened on a Saturday, the day before Fathers Day 2012. I think that H and AP were planning a getaway that wknd or something. Well those plans fell apart once he got carted off to jail. Sorry to have to tell you this, but whatever date you think you're going on…is not gonna happen. #sorrynotsorryfuckers Once again - APs think they’re all bad ass when they’re hidden away and kept secret - but once their identity is revealed and all their deep dark shitty secrets are discovered, they wanna scurry away just as fast as their little rat feet will carry them. That moment when I discovered her identity - I think before, when I knew of her existence but not her identity, I had this image in my mind that she was this gorgeous, stunning woman who had her shit together. I could not have been more wrong. I remember thinking, I was worried about THIS POS?? Definitely he affaired down, like wayyyy down. I said it then and I still say it now, she was just a convenient warm body with a few holes and a mouth - nothing special. This day in 2012, was the day my H’s whole pretend house of cards started to fall in on itself. It was over. Cover blown. Rats start scurrying when things are found out. He’s stuck not able to do damage control. I actually had the upper hand. At 2am he was bailed out by his parents. It’s now Sunday. Father’s Day 2012. 6am he calls me. Contrite, filled with remorse. The scales have fallen off his eyes and he is seeing - for the first time in months - what a fucking MESS he’s made; the damage he has caused, the hurt he has brought on, the pain, the suffering. Something happened to him as he sat in that cell in his orange jailhouse jumper and orange jailhouse rubber sandals. I don’t think he - or I will ever forget the sounds of our son’s cries and sobbing. Father’s Day 2012 - he came home from that jail that morning and asked permission to come to our home to see our son. I allowed it ONLY if his parents and his brother (who was a police officer) were present. I allowed him to take our son for Father’s Day. Later that afternoon he wanted to meet - I was resistant. After all - he put me through HELL. But he was different. Maybe jail does that to a person? He vowed to be a better man, better husband, better father, better son. Forgiveness did not come easy. I will never forget what happened. Reconciliation was brutal, it was soo HARD. We immediately went into IC and did that for months before we ever considered MC. We worked our asses off. We did have another Dday in December 2022 - when I discovered flirty texts between him and an old childhood friend. The timeline from that - from the beginning to when I discovered his texts - was approximately 7-10 days. AP was confronted, I told both families, and H went NC. This was a double betrayal bc she was a family friend. After that, we went right back into IC. I’m 18 months out from Dday #2 and we’ve reconciled from that, but it’s the affair from 2012 that I think traumatized me the most if I’m being honest. This past Father’s Day 2024 marked 12 years since 2012. June is a huge trigger month for me. Father’s Day is a HUGE trigger holiday for me. But - I. Made. It!!!! I loathe the month of June.

It will be July 1st tomorrow and I spent a lot of June journaling, spilling my feelings out on paper, we are in IC. I feel this monumental sense of relief though. June didn’t "kill" me like it usually does!! We’re not perfect, we don’t have it all together all of the time. But we work our asses off for each other. There is deep love, appreciation, we complement each other, we don’t rug sweep - that was a huge issue we had to deal with and fix. We’re true empty nesters - all our kids are grown and gone, the two oldest have families of their own and our youngest child is finishing his Masters Degree - ironically, he’s studying to become a licensed clinical therapist, his specialty? Trauma therapy. I know I don’t post here often - but I do come here daily to read. I just wanted to share my milestone with the community of people that helped me get through Dday #2.

Peace and love to you all.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 7:31 AM, Sunday, June 30th]

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996 -
DDay#1: 6/1/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month) - DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk) -
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 198   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8841190
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:24 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Thank you for posting. You must be very proud of your son.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8841207
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:38 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

It’s a long hard journey. Great to see that you have built a life you are happy with and that healing is continuing. Congratulations on your kids thriving!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8841208
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