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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Quote of the day

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 WhiskeyBlues (original poster member #82662) posted at 4:21 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

"I'm sick of being told I'm still lying" - a quote from WH, who has done nothing but trickle truth since dday. With the last truth being just a few months ago.

Same thing he said when he knew full well he was lying, last time. But this time its being said genuinely apparently. I can't even begin to figure that out?!

I feel my gut is still telling me he is holding stuff back, nothing significant, just stuff. Lying has been an issue for him since I've known him, its a been a pattern of behaviour, and I truly feel he is continuing to cherry pick the truth.

But more importantly, I feel like his lack of empathy is getting worse 馃様 Whilst it must be tough to sit there and be told "I know you're still lying", when you're not (IF he's not. Big if), I still think its an aborhent thing to say, given his actions!!!

Just feeling really lost and hurt 馃槳

posts: 114   路   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   路   location: UK
id 8840372
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Well, it's a little bit of a dumb thing for a wayward to say since he put himself in the position of not being believed.

I think if we are going to give the benefit of the doubt, or try to improve communication in a way that isn't accusatory, you can change your phrasing.

I don't know if you are in fact saying to him, "I know you're still lying".

Instead you can say, "I still don't trust you." or "I don't believe you".

This communicates your emotional status and doesn't indicate that you are calling him a current liar.

On the other hand, it's entirely possible you are already doing this and then he is saying that you are calling him a liar. Because many WSs are manipulative and will twist what you say because they aren't honest.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2672   路   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8840381
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Well, it's a little bit of a dumb thing for a wayward to say since he put himself in the position of not being believed.

^^^This and especially if you have been TT'ed you probably will not believe every word he says anyways. It is a consequence of his behavior that he has to live with unfortunately. Don't do the crime if you don't want to do the time. I mean has he heard of the Boy Who Cried Wolf?

What he doesn't realize is the more he says things like this (and this qualifies in the many posts we have here that are usually titled 'the dumb things WS say') the more you will detach from him and lose respect.


"I'm sick of being told I'm still lying"


Well I'm sure you are sick of feeling like he's still lying because he has rolleyes

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   路   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   路   location: California
id 8840405
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 WhiskeyBlues (original poster member #82662) posted at 7:13 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

"I don't know if you are in fact saying to him, "I know you're still lying".

TIF - I know its accusatory, but this IS what I'm saying. Every other time I knew it, felt it, believed it. I just did, and my gut was right. I still feel the same now, I just somehow know - both based on my gut and some (in my own opinion) logic. I can't bring myself to simply say "I still don't trust/believe you", because I think that will always be the case. And he will just say something along the lines of he knows and he understands why, but still insist he's not lying.

I just don't know what to do. Because I ignored my gut during the affair and almost gaslit myself, if that makes sense! I can't do that to myself again 馃槦


"What he doesn't realize is the more he says things like this (and this qualifies in the many posts we have here that are usually titled 'the dumb things WS say') the more you will detach from him and lose respect."

Crazyblindsided, this is EXACTLY what I am trying to get across. The more he says stupid shit, or gets frustrated and shows little empathy, the more he entrenches my belief he's lying. And the more I just think I don't want this in my life anymore!!!

Really, really stuck.

posts: 114   路   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   路   location: UK
id 8840434
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 WhiskeyBlues (original poster member #82662) posted at 9:15 AM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Update:

Yesterday afternoon on his drive home, I said I want him to take a polygraph. I said in the mean time I don't want to hear his negative views on the topic, how expensive they are and generally just not to be a turd about them! Please just DO one. He agreed but said he's going to find one that's nearer and cheaper (as he doesn't want to pay 拢700). Oh, how I feel so loved and valued.

Later when he's home and we are making dinner, I said about the polygraph and whether he's still happy to take one (as I'd like it booked asap). He said that he will take one but then says that he said "I don't wanna talk about it" (although I cannot recall for the life of me him saying that - he's trying to insinuate that I pushed the subject but I didn't!!!). Anyway, despite him apparently saying initially I don't wanna talk about it (which is negative and shitty in its own right, right?!), he then proceeded to say about how he wants assurances for when he passes. I said well I can't assure you anything, but I can tell you that if you pass, it will definitely hold some clout to it! He was annoyed that I couldn't give him assurances, and then said what if he's then left to foot the bill if we separate. I said OK but a divorce would cost you. Anyway then he said as he will be at his parents (he will need to pay debt off) 45 mins drive away (longer in rush hour) that he won't get to see the kids - I was like what?! Of course you will!!!! I've just explained that during the week, I wouldn't be happy with them going back and forth to his parents on school nights, as they have homework to do and the drive in the morning means they will have to get up really early!!! I've said if we ever separate he can always see them in our home for as long as he wants and have them overnight at weekend and school holidays (I think this is pretty reasonable??) - until he can find somewhere to live nearby. Anyway, back to the polygraph. He was then saying well what if he passes 2 questions but the 3rd he doesn't. Then saying what if its a false positive (as in says he's lying but he's not). Then came his eye rolling and "I don't wanna talk about this".

^^^^ So essentially everything i asked him NOT to do, he has done. He's apologied (half heartedly) but really can't see the correlation between even how this has broken my trust. I've explicitly asked him not to do XYZ and he has gone and done XYZ. We've been arguing all evening, morning, lots of tears and upset.

Anyway, so I said please just book it. Another quote(s) of the day "I think we really need to just look at the state of our marriage first." When I asked what he was talking about he said no because whenever he shares his feelings he's in the wrong. But he then said that "I really need to think about things, because I'm really not happy". Translation, hmm, obvious.

I left the room in tears. He tried to follow me, but I resorted to some sort of weird child trauma thing, which I've only started doing since the affair. I put a blanket over me and put my fingers in my ears, as I just can't bring myself to listen to any more of his words as they feel like poison. My brain starts thinking about my dad and how much I miss him and that I wish he was here to give me a hug 馃槶

I think he is a giant walking, talking red flag 馃毄 I'm in so much pain right now, I can't take this anymore.

To me either...

A) he's diverting attention away from the polygraph by saying we need to look at the state of our marriage first - well duh!!!!! The reason his wife is asking him to take polygraph in the first place, is the reason for the "state" of our marriage. He knows he may fail and is using this as a delay/smoke screen.

B) He's really not happy and needs to to consider what he wants. Fucking fantastic thing to tell the wife he literally abandoned for a girl he'd just met. Makes me feel all warm and safe inside 馃槈

馃毄 馃毄 馃毄

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 10:05 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

posts: 114   路   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   路   location: UK
id 8840503
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 1:34 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

All I see is 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄 馃毄

You鈥檝e been heard, WB!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

鈥淭ell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?鈥
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3252   路   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8840508
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crazycatlady ( member #12849) posted at 2:13 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Visualize your dad hugging you right now. How did that make you feel? Now look at your WH. How does that make you feel?
Your life is intertwined with your WH which makes the obvious difficult to see. He is nowhere near reconciliation territory. He is childish and defensive. I think the best thing for you to do is start an abbreviated 180. Begin to relax the binds he has over you. Take care of your children and you. Prepare for every eventuality. Force yourself to smile and think of your dad鈥檚 hugs. You are loved and deserve so much better.
Good luck.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"D-Day: Nov 30, 2006"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night." William Shakespeare

posts: 1825   路   registered: Dec. 4th, 2006   路   location: Etherville
id 8840512
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 11:40 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

I hope you can find some peace whiskey. You have put up with way more than anyone should.

Your WH doesn鈥檛 get it, probably never will. Call it hubris, or selfish, combination of both. He cares more about himself than the people in his life. Time and time again he has proven this, at least according to your posts.

Where you go from here is completely up to you of course, I hope that you can see the full picture of what you don鈥檛 have with your cheater husband and make an informed decision.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   路   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   路   location: U.S.
id 8840663
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