SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH and I were talking about trust on Saturday evening. More importantly, what is his plan to rebuild it, after all the TT and the years even pre-A whereby he would lie about things big and small out of sheer uncomfortableness.

I explained how I worry that because this conflict avoidant trait is so deeply ingrained in his behaviour, that he won't be able to stop him self from lying, should something crop up. Not A related, but just anything that gives him that knee jerk reaction to lie and then dig himself a hole.

It was quite a nice heart to heart, whereby we both agreed we wanted to make a real go of R, and he said he can't face letting the kids down again and that he is desperate to change.

I said that although I know he will sit and talk to me for hours about the A, due to the fact that he very rarely brings it up himself, I feel I need to know more about what he is thinking and feeling, unprompted.

He said that he would like to try something called FANOS (an acronym, its about talking about your feelings in a relationship - I had never heard of this until he mentioned it). He said starting tomorrow, he would do this in the evenings.

So "tomorrow" came and went, he didn't mention it. I felt a bit disappointed, but was worrying at that point about an issue with our eldest, so I put it aside.

Then this evening at 11.30pm, lights out, eyes closed and he said "oh we need to do that FANOS thing" (or words similar). I didn't quite catch what he said, so asked him to repeat. I then remembered that this was what he was supposed to start yesterday, so asked why didn't he do it yesterday like he said he would, and why now when we are going to bed?

This is the part that I feel has made me feel like I want to give up.....

He said that he did do it yesterday - he wrote down what he was going to say on his phone, just didn't bring it up because he felt awkward/uncomfortable!!!!!!! He says this was because he thought I was going to be doing this FANOS thing too and he didn't know whether I was prepared or not and he didn't want to put me on the spot (miscommunication there, as I thought it was supposed to be his offering to me to show me how open and communicative he can be). So regardless, the thing he said he was going to do, he A) didn't do it when he said he would, and B) avoided a "perceived" awkward conversation.....which is exactly what my concerns are in the first place!!!

WH has apologised but does not seem to understand my outrage. He has kept saying that he has written down what he was going to say, proving he is not avoiding any awkwardness - but he doesn't seem to understand that although he has written it down, he avoided having the actual conversation with me, when he said he would.

I have said that no trust can ever be rebuilt on broken promises and apologies. All I want is for him to be straightforward and open. I asked him how on earth he is ever going to come to me if he suddenly remembers a detail about the A, if he found even THIS difficult.

I know he has a life time of avoidant behaviour to overcome, but I feel now all hope is lost. This was his suggestion and day one he failed and didn't follow through what what he said he would. Even after promising, saying he won't ever lie again because he knows how it would affect the kids, this is what he does? Whilst not lying exactly, I feel he's still used the same mechanisms - too awkward, so I won't say anything.

He either doesn't get it or more likely just isn't capable of putting words into action.

Just as my walls were starting to lower, I feel I want to build myself a fortress of safety now and never be vulnerable to him again.

He has never admitted anything off his own back, it has always been when put under pressure from me, and then a few added truths (but never all of it), for good measure. Just enough to make me think for a while that I have it all.

I've said it will take him moving mountains to rebuild even a starting block of trust with me - and yet THIS, it seems, he failed at on day one.

I may be overreacting, I'm not sure. But isn't trust supposed to be rebuilt on these little things? You say you will do something, so you do it. Not avoiding awkward conversations. Isnt this where R is supposed to start?

I don't know. I love him still, I enjoy his company and I think I can be content with carrying on in our family unit as we are for now, but I just don't think closeness or vulnerability is ever going to be a part of our marriage now 😔

Whiskey Blues - I completely understand this. My husband openly admits that he hates confrontation or awkward conversations and will avoid it at all costs. God, we didn’t speak for three days straight once before the affair because I was angry at something and he didn’t want to ‘talk’ about it.

This among other ‘issues’ is what led him to being a person who would commit adultery. Instead of telling me he was unhappy in our marriage he chose to say ‘yes’ to a woman who would give him the sex and attention that he was craving and I was not giving (apparently).

I understand when it seems like they do something against what they said they are supposed to be doing to ‘fix’ themselves. An example of my WH was he leant our car to his sister once without consulting me because he knew I would say no and he didn’t want to deal with arguing with either of us. Let me tell you that did not end well for him 😂

As you said (and hiking out said in one of her posts) they are human and even though it infuriates me, they are still human, will make mistakes and take a while to change behaviours they have done all their lives. I keep telling myself as long as everyday I see he is trying that a slip here and there is ok. BUT in saying that he will know about it 😜

I get what you are saying and feeling, but the cheater usually always wants to avoid talking about it at all costs. They want to forge ahead with the new life together. I remember my husband feeling this way.. he would never bring it up because of the hurt but we would talk if I needed it or if he noticed that I was not acting normal that day. I would say your husband is avoiding and may not know how to talk.. I remember being like this early on in my marriage, waited until the last hour to have a discussion that mattered. But to answer your question, yes trust can be built again. It takes so a lot of time, work, and prayer, but it can be done. I hope that he puts in the work for you. God bless.

I hope you’re doing well Whiskey.

I want to share a quick story about trust. I used to train working dogs for police and government agencies. Requires both detection and being able to attack people. I was very good at it, and was quickly in charge of an entire kernels. I thought I knew it all and could handle anything. Then one day I was attacked without warning by one of the dogs. Luckily someone was there to help me and pulled me to safety. I had to quit shortly after.

I can’t be around working dogs anymore, I couldn’t trust them. I would say that after being mentally attacked by your WH, and after years of constant lies from him you have to feel the same way.

Your WH isn’t who you thought he was, and may not ever be who you want to. In a marriage without infidelity I would say that both parties need to work and adjust to the new versions of each other. Post affair, no, I would say ask yourself if you can accept the version that was hidden from you

Trust can be rebuilt slowly - proven behavior over time is key here.

That being said - that "blind faith" trust - the "beyond the shadow of a doubt trust" IMHO - that is forever shattered.