SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Couldn't really think of an appropriate thread title for this one. The last couple IC sessions my therapist had been telling me to keep an eye on my heart. She said I'm still in ambivalence as I'm stuck between thinking I can get my WW to see the light, get it, and change for the better vs. moving on in life without her. She said I'm pulling my heart apart working both sides. Turns out it's not so much my heart that should be concerned as now my WW is dealing with stress related issues. She's beginning to get alopecia and just had a heart monitor attached as her heart is skipping rhythm. I do worry about her as I still love her, buti find myself waiting for her and her doctor to say "I" need to make changes to reduce her stress. I know my head is leaping forward again as it always does, I know I'm not to blame for her stress, she is just so damn bullheaded and refuses to seek any for of counseling for what woes her. My IC says that people typically don't seek professional help until they've hit rock bottom and decide they don't want to live like that anymore. Is that what I'm seeing or will she choose for foresake her health over true help. It's a very sad series of events to watch happen.

I suspect you will be told that you need to be careful of her and her feelings. It may be best for both of you, to just step away. I know you love her, but it would not be fair to you to be told that you cannot express your feelings (in an appropriate way) without her having a negative physical reaction. I hope your wife is better soon and you can work it out. If not, it's not your fault.

I am sorry that sounds like such a painful position for you to be in.

Honestly, some people are so damaged that they can not bear to look at the damage they have caused. It’s ironic that they actually need to learn to quiet the battle in themselves but to do that you must take accountability and change directions. Without going to therapy she isn’t going to learn coping techniques or how to release the past trauma that they have been unable to cope with.

Think of it like emotional hoarding. Go into a hoarders house and try to do one room. Not only is it highly overwhelming for them but they don’t want you to remove anything. They need to hold onto all of it and hide.

This is not your fault. You can’t change it. And if she is unwilling to change it, then you have to find clarity and open space without her. I would try to read codependent no more. Read about detachment. You might not be ready yet to pull the trigger on divorce and that is so understandable. But you can stop being responsible for her and become more focused and responsible for your own relief and happiness. You can’t fight her battles for her and it maybe untenable for you to watch her succumb to battles within herself, unwilling to fight.

That’s truly good advice that your therapist is giving you. Applying it may take many steps and you may need to ask more questions to get clarity over techniques they might be able to recommend.

This is from my ws days but I think it’s universal for a lot of people:

She told me to separate my coulds and shoulds. So for a while I was to not do any of my coulds. Shoulds are things that are required - I should go to work, I should make food to eat, whatever it is it’s a baseline needs and values thing. Coulds are don’t have to do. You do not have to save others, you are not responsible for their feelings, you don’t have to go above and beyond.

There are coulds that are healthy. I could go work in my flower garden this afternoon because it will improve my mood. I could go upstairs and paint the hallway, but that is not fun on a pretty day when I work all week.

Stupid examples but notice how I am sorting it. Shoulds are non-negotiable things in life. You may not love all of them but they are necessary. But when it comes to your coulds, then you are listening to your inner being. You are choosing the next thing that brings you joy. You are choosing the coulds that feel good.

So, does it feel good to try and make someone feel better who won’t do it for themselves? No. That is a waste of energy that could bring you joy instead. Why is this important, because one fills your well and the other sucks it dry. Fill your well as often as possible and you will notice that over time you will invest in things that provide a return.

It will change your entire perspective and build some muscles for you that you don’t currently have that keeps you from understanding the concept of detachment.

I feared my wife developing some kind of ailment as we were trying to R, as it would put a ton of pressure to put things on the back burner and I know I would have felt a strong need to stay with her thru it. I’ve said before that I respect ImAChump greatly for his convictions in that situation, and I still do, but I continue to also say that it is above and beyond (which is what makes it so honorable). The irony is my wife has utterly failed to support me in my life trials, both before and during the affair. She literally planned a conjugal visit with POSOM within a weeks time of me having significant surgery. So while I believe I would have stayed with her in her illness, I believe it would have been in a sense of duty, not love, and I think I would have resented it. We’re only human, man, we have our limits. It’s ok to find and admit yours.

Trauma affects the body, even for some WSes. You can't save her.

Ultimately, IMO, R is a matter of how 2 people fit together, how what they want to give and get match in complementary ways. Your WS needs to know and deal with their feelings; you need to know and deal with yours. The needs of one of you do not necessarily conflict with the needs of the other. If they do, perhaps you don't fit together well enough to sustain R and a long term M. That's not a moral judgment. You can both be great people and great friends without being a great M couple.

I'm very sorry your WS's health is at risk. I hope she recovers completely and quickly. But that's her task. She needs to keep an eye on her heart. You can't.

...I'm stuck between thinking I can get my WW to see the light, get it, and change for the better vs. moving on in life without her.

Those are not your only choices.

You can't get her to see any light. You are not responsible for changing her. She is responsible for her own well-being - she screwed it up by cheating, but no one can change that fact. You both have to deal with it.

You need to choose R, D, or wait. Waiting can be a useful option, if you enter a waiting period with a good idea of what you're waiting for.

In fact, right now it looks like you aren't taking responsibility for your own life, but you are taking responsibility for hers. It makes sense to me for you not to choose between D & R until you take responsibility for yourself and not for her.

I don't mean that as criticism. Many of us are brought up to misunderstand what we are responsible for and have to learn to figure out what responsibilities to accept. You've been coping the best you can up to now. There are better ways, though, and you can learn them - and you'll be glad you did.

Your current therapist shared some wisdom; that's a sign that she may have more to share. My reco is to keep going.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:45 PM, Sunday, May 12th]

During my session yesterday my therapist asked if i felt I was worthy of the things I need. Open communication, empathy, compassion. I was definitely a yes, and she's thinking that the pressure I'm putting on my WW to make any changes in her life is causing her stress because she's thinking that my wife isn't capable. She feels that some past unresolved trauma is blocking her and she's not actually capable of change. This is what may be causing her stress. She actually suggested to me yesterday that perhaps the kind thing to do would be to let her go. That is a very tough thing to hear, but I do get what she's saying.