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New Beginnings :
Typical Reply for a Narcissist - Part 2

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 itsa(bad)dream (original poster member #13174) posted at 9:39 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

I have my things back (most of them). Here's how it happened. I replied to his "you wanted this breakup, not me" by saying = if you didn't want things to end, why didn't you call to discuss it? Obviously, you didn't want a conversation. Then I went on to say I think he had someone else already, so by pushing me to break up with him, it eased his conscience, etc, etc. He replied with - "nothing you are saying is true - there is nobody else. You tried to tell me how to earn a living - I HAVE to work. You acted like a spoiled child"... So I reply -mentioning various points and ended with _ "all I was asking for was ONE DAY extra to combine with the only day you have off, so we could go away because it had been a year and we never went anywhere. That's not spoiled. That's feeling insignificant".
Then I was aggravated at myself, and just sent a text saying - "texting you today was a mistake. Obviously you don't want to speak about this, so tell me a day you're gone to work. Leave my stuff in front of your garage and I'll get it." (he lives an hour away). He writes - "talk later this week". I repeated my request. He replies " I said talk soon... unless you don't want to. mad I said sure - call me later. Which he did. And all it led to was a repeat discussion, and him saying once again nothing was going to change. He was working the job until the end of June. He wasn't interested in compromising - still going to work 6 days, 60 hours a week. (yet his profile said he was semi-retired)??? So I got aggravated and just said - leave the things out on Sunday. He says - I can bring them to you. I said - NO - I'll pick them up. Just make sure it's when you're at work. So I did. Got almost everything but still missing my new chess set, my perfume, a photo of me. It could be a totally honest mistake. I don't know. My main thing was to get the high chair, which I did. (It was at HIS house - not his son's) He used it when the little guy would come over.

So I text him - I'm missing 3 things.(and list them). Just mail them out tomorrow. Thanks.
4 days later, I get "I never said I didn't love you - I just said the distance made things worse". I don't reply. Next day he writes - I do miss you very much. I don't reply. 5 days later he writes _"did you block me"? I finally reply, but 5 days after that.
I stupidly wrote "No, I never blocked you. And you miss me?? Yet you text rather than call? So impersonal." His response - just checking in on you - not being an asshole.. I answer - that's nice but how come you decided to check in now?? It's been a long time since we talked. He replies - just thinking of you. Next day at 6 am - he texts - I'm always thinking of you.

I guess I was missing him. So 5 days later I get sucked in again and reply. I thought maybe I'm always being too hard with my words, and that's why he doesn't want to talk. So I try being softer "I think about you a lot too. I'm struggling with how much you hurt me. You didn't want to discuss anything, or care about my feelings. That's not how you treat someone you're supposed to love. I really don't know what you want from me with your texts? I'm not interested in being a back up plan, or a texting buddy. If I'm wrong, then you need to talk to me about it. Life is too short to play texting games.
And his response??? "I don't play games of any kind". I responded with - "I just poured my heart out to you and your reply has to do with GAMES?? I won't communicate with you anymore unless it's talking. If thats too personal for you - then lose my number. I will not text you again."
And his response?? "I just explained myself and you freak out!!"
I WAS pissed that he slid right over my emotional part. But in looking back, he never really answers any of my questions.
Now its 5 days and I'm second guessing how I ended things. I just couldn't keep doing this texting, so had to put an end to it.
Remember - we're not little young kids. I'm trying to get through to a 60+ man. I just believe if you really care, you will call the person to discuss things. Did I go about this all wrong? As you can see, I still have feelings. I can't figure out how he doesn't feel the same. Thank you all for reading my book here. I'm so mixed up and really feeling depressed.
I've been dating and actually had 3 guys who were really interested in me. I went out with them 2 times.. but I told all 3 I wasn't feeling a romantic connection so I didn't want to continue dating them. They were awesome men. Just no chemistry.
Thank you for any input. smile

M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH1st A:summer 01. EA & PA 2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,PA3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He was just being an asshole.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Limbo
id 8835269
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

(...adjusting my Freudian spectacles....ahem) Simple question: does this man remind you in any way of anyone else in your life?

Glad to know you got most of your stuff back, especially your old high chair.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8835277
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 itsa(bad)dream (original poster member #13174) posted at 11:13 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

Yes, I thought that same thing many times, even during good times with the new guy. I went out of my way to let my ex have things his own way, and right at the beginning of this relationship, I told new guy I would never do that again. (I guess he didn't care, although he used to say he felt so bad at how badly I was treated in the past).

The new guys texts are so reminiscent of my ex, its bizarre. Only difference is my ex was texting me for 3 years after we split, trying to keep me in his loop, never speaking - just texting. And all the time was living with the AP. I at least was smarter then because I knew he was with someone else. So I would never reply. Which is why now, 16 years later and with a new man, I get so angry at the same behavior. Text only. A phone call only when pushed into it.. Maybe he has someone living with him now. I don't know.

Which is another reason I sometimes wonder if I'm too tough. I had to get that way with my ex - I couldn't put my heart out there anymore. And now it's happening all over again. Am I tough and stand my ground? Yes I do. Back in November, one time when I wouldn't cave in about going to his place for a weekend, when it was HIS turn to come to my house - he said - sometimes pushback isn't a bad thing. I told the new guy months ago that I got walked all over in past relationships, and it would never happen again.

So now I feel I'll never know if he ever really cared about me - because I gave the ultimatum - I will not text you again. Gotta stick to it..

M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH1st A:summer 01. EA & PA 2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,PA3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He was just being an asshole.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Limbo
id 8835283
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:17 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

Okay...he reminds you of the XWH. Now, can you go back further in your life and connect common behaviors of these kind of guys?

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8835299
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 itsa(bad)dream (original poster member #13174) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Yes, my Dad. I was always chasing him for attention, but I got none. I got used to it. He never changed even as he got older. My siblings would say - don't you remember how Dad used to treat Mom? Pure narcissist. And he was never around for my events in high school, which left me feeling jealous of all my friends. He mimicked how his Mom treated him. But he was a good man in his own way. He thought if you provide financially and gave your family a good life, that's what matters. But emotionally - nothing...
I never heard a compliment, or an I love you. But when I went through my divorce, he was there financially.

Sad part of all of this is my ex bf knew all my background, and always told me how bad he felt for how I was brought up.
Kind of ironic, huh? We actually talked about it a lot.

In thinking back, even my Mom never told me she loved me until my divorce in my 30's. I guess I've been looking for just the basic needs for a LONG time.

M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH1st A:summer 01. EA & PA 2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,PA3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He was just being an asshole.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Limbo
id 8835467
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Well, there you have it. I actually expected you to say your Dad. Hence the question....

People don't realize the effects their FOO has on their adult love choices, not only the partners WE choose, but more ominously, the people who, for some unexplainable reason, are attracted to US! Oh yeah, I could so write a book!!

There was a whole therapy based on that principle, but it fell out of favor with the academic psychologists. I read the pop psychology book and sat through counseling with such a therapist, and still didn't manage to avoid marrying this 2nd H who cannot connect intimately. So it was not much help in preventing another love choice disaster in my life.

But now that I'm getting up in years, I not only look back on two marriages to cheaters with sex issues - who somehow each knew I was their Ideal Woman to cheat on behind my back - but I look often at what went down when I was growing up in the wild and crazy era of the Sexual Revolution in the 1960's. I can't help but wonder: what was my father really up to...Did he go so far as to cheat on my mother? I will never know for sure, because everybody who could inform me has long since died. But a lot of the Narcissism traits that go with such behavior were part of my father's and mother's ways and I sometimes catch glimmers of memories that make me cringe.

Along with child abuse there is another category of maltreatment: child neglect. Neglect happened a lot in those days, as it likely still does today, but neglect is much harder to spot and to treat. Especially if you grew into a high-functioning adult like many of us did. The post-WW II era of the Baby Boom had people getting hitched and cranking out kiddos whether or not they were mature and prepared for parenthood. (I think that is one reason later generations have tended to go the other way, being "helicopter parents?")

So I hope this helps you see what the darn "hook" is that keeps you involved with a jerky kind of man. Subconsciously we seem to want or even demand a "re-do" of the love we expected to get but didn't. Just ain't a good idea. Love thyself better, is my new mantra.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8835475
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 5:17 AM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2024

Stop engaging. You got the important stuff back. YOU are now the one choosing to go down the rabbit hole with this fuckwit. Look at the pattern, you give him your energy, he takes it AND plays mind games to fuck with your head and keep you in the mire. You you give him more energy, lather, rinse, repeat. You are the one controlling this while situation.
It's a pattern, like others have pointed out. Now that you see the pattern, block him and quit second guessing.
Good luck.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6099   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8840762
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2024

Only way to deal with these narcissists is to go no contact. You have your stuff back there is no reason to talk to him anymore. They love pulling you in and creating these chaotic word salad conversations where you are upset and frustrated by the end of them.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8840801
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