SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Crazycatlady

what are the odds?!
I am so sorry, that sounds horrible. Not that we aren't all in some sort of horrible misery but the luck in that is trash.

tealchicken

My WH's AP told him that Cruel Summer was "their song." I can't stomach it but also have preteen girls who love Taylor so it's on regular rotation in our house.

We can hate this song together, I actually used to really enjoy it but I won't ever again.

Exactly. I still turn cold if I think of it. I told my husband he ruined that for me along with countless other things. I’m a tough bird though and have made it through. I wouldn’t want to be a cheater and know I’ve done that to someone.

crazycatlady

OMG YES!

I actually messaged my H in a fit of rage today telling him he abandoned his four kids for a w**** in the woods and that at least if I were to move on into a new relationship I wouldn't have that on my conscience.

I am a tough person and you know what , this has almost broke me, if it weren't for my kids I woulda ended it, I think.

Let me be clear , if we ever split every new woman in his life would know what he did.

I can be a cold hearted B, just takes someone to bring it out and he did...

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:15 PM, Friday, April 5th]

I once asked him he realized what he had done. I mean, what the hell. Complete narcissistic episode. When I remind him of various incredulous things that happened he just stares off into the distance. He has no answers other than the obvious; he’s a dumbass who lost all his senses. Still, that one cut to the bone.

crazycatlady

I once asked him he realized what he had done. I mean, what the hell. Complete narcissistic episode. When I remind him of various incredulous things that happened he just stares off into the distance. He has no answers other than the obvious; he’s a dumbass who lost all his senses. Still, that one cut to the bone

He still does this?

Being a cold bitch is the best. Once I became the cold bitch my husband knew he was screwed. I didn’t give a damn about him and he knew it. Watching him awaken to the destruction he created was, in a way, kinda fun. Like rubbing his head into poop. I could finally share my pain and he HAD to take it. When I took control the world shifted. Yours will too.

Not much anymore. He is so ashamed. I would feel bad for him but that’s the collateral damage. I love him but wouldn’t want to be him. He knows everything good that has come his way is because of me. He tells me all the time that he is sorry and will spend the rest of his life making mine better.

I read your story. My husband cheated with a coworker too. The difference is we were much older and our daughter was out of college and on her own. Still, he neglected her too and bears that weight.
As for your husband, it’s early and you have every right to be angry and hurt. When I knew my husband was getting it is when he would say he deserved everything I said and would take it. That took awhile. He was very defensive at first and acted mad. One day I told him if he truly loved me he would take it like a man and not a coward. Yeah, I went there.
For your wh to cheat with small children at home is excruciatingly cruel. Brutal betrayal. I hope he gets his crap together soon or he will be a very lonely man with children that don’t respect him. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Good luck.

Crazycatlady

I never ever let him forget what he did. His AP has three children from two different dads and never has her kids and when she does she left them at home while she banged my H in the woods

When dday hit and he told me that she was more attentive to his needs and he liked her personality better I mentioned that I was at home changing three babies in diapers … while she left her children unattended. Can you believe that at the end of their "relationship" he found out one of her daughters was being sexually assaulted. Could you imagine how "bad he felt for his AP" don’t get me wrong it is horrible and I feel for the little girl but what would she expect?! I have never neglected my kids like that and over my dead body would I ever. One of our daughters is nonverbal, 7 and in diapers…. One is 2 and one is 3. I just can’t even imagine how shitty he feels.

Yes. being a cold hearted bitch is my specialty. I make sure to remind him that when I met him I loved him making $12 an hour when I was making $30 an hour and still to this day I’m the breadwinner. I throw it all in his face and most days it doesn’t make me feel better. At first he was defensive, he actually told me that she had a good body and was a good person…. That all has changed. He sees all of the damage , all of the pain and he rarely gets upset , just sad. Trust me lady, I won’t ever let him have a cake life like I used too, he will work to keep these kids and I and if he doesn’t , he will be the one to suffer.
I know what I have to offer.

How they fall for these ridiculous awful whores is beyond me. Like it’s scripted, let me find the absolute worst trash panda to throw away my life for. That says to me they knew they lost control and ate the whole rotten excrement filled pie. Slippery slope to hell.
WOW. I would be horrified to say I did that. My god, the shame, guilt, embarrassment would be lethal.
Again, I wouldn’t want to be a cheater. At least I can sleep with a clear conscience. Don’t let up. Stay vigilant.

Crazycatlady

It’s so sad isn’t it?
Everyone that was told and found out who she was had to ask 3-4 times to make sure they heard it right. That’s how bad it was…

Thank you for listening and sharing your story , you know I will. I have four kids who deserve the best and I won’t fail them again.

We are farther out than some on this thread, so my perspective is less raw. I always wondered why she liked Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" and Pink's "Just Give me a Reason". I think in her A fogged mind, they were romantic. Now she turns them off if they come on. The AP said that Tim McGraw's "Something Like That" reminded him of my fWW when they were carrying on. (they dated in high school) I laughed and asked her when she ever wore a mini skirt. When the song comes on, she turns it off. She says it makes her sick and reminds her that she was an idiot and a terrible person. I actually think it makes her ill.

When she heard "Someone" by Aaron Lewis, she said it could be her talking to me. "I sure do know how to tell a lie" is sure true. Most of the music that gets to me are songs that used to make me think of us in the past. They have a twisted meaning now. Songs about being "true" and committed, just cannot hold the same meaning anymore. Journey's "All These Years" would have made sense at one time, as I worked away from home many evenings and had to travel for work frequently. But the lyrics:

"After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years"

They have a different meaning. For the most part in our marriage, she did stand by me and stood strong. But not always, and that put an end to what could have been a story book marriage. I used to feel it more deeply than her. Now it has turned, and she knows, and feels, that she is the reason we will never have the story book life she wanted. Sometimes the weight of that crushes her. That weight is well deserved.

Now the love songs that heal are songs like Alan Jackson's "Remember When" remind us we could put it all back together again:

"Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when"

Sitting in the nail salon and IS2G cruel summer just came on and I had to plug my ears.

The universe hates me

I hate him today

Oooph. Yeah.

I get this.

I find I also react to some representations of infidelity on movies, especially when it’s casual and unimportant to the plot or when the focus seems to normalize cheating as a path to real love.

Of course, the really awful triggers are the songs they exchanged with each other over texts; he kept handwritten copies of all the texts he deleted and I found them the day after DDay.

I actually created a playlist of the songs they sent each other. This is not something I recommend, nor has it been a healthy coping device. Over time, though, with each exposure, I am breaking them down and separating the fantasy of the songs from the reality beneath. They still make me cry, but they don’t trigger me as intensely. I can see them as insights into the illusion of the moment, not expressions of enduring, mature love.

If there is one truth I take from affair recovery, it is this: most of the things we are told about love are lies and fantasies. Real, mature love is nothing like the songs or movies. My spouse’s affair chased an idea of a soulmate when what they really were was wound mates—both seeking a fix to the holes inside them.

Cheating songs do not bother me, love songs are more triggering for me. I cannot stand love songs because it feels so phony. I just don’t believe in soulmates or any of that stuff since Dday.

Yes I’m doing well in R and I am 93% healed, but some things are never coming back for me.

Groot1988

I have a suggestion regarding Cruel Summer.

Listen to the 1983 Bananarama song ‘Cruel Summer’.

Then watch a photo montage of the geeky Daniel Lorusso winning the girl’s heart by doing soccer tricks in the first Karate Kid movie, which has that 1983 version of cruel summer as the soundtrack.

If that is not enough think that nights out drinking with Bananarama were an inspiration on Jennifer Saunders’ writing the sitcom Absolutely Fabulous.

Have a laugh, and hopefully the new version will have played out.

Music has always been my therapist. When I recall my infidelity experience with my ExWW, I think of these songs.

DD: Nobody's Fool by Cinderella. This song had just been released when I found out. Split up and divorced without hesitation.

Next Few Weeks/Months: I Wish It Would Rain by the Temptations. Spent a lot of days and nights wishing it would rain! This song has a heartbreaking back story to it.

Then I moved to: It's Getting Better All The Time by Brooks and Dunn

6 months or so after the divorce: Baby Things Change by Dwight Yoakam. She was putting out feelers about trying again. I wasn't interested.

straightup

Thank you for the advice, this is gold! I will do this for sure!

Groot
I hear you! There’s so much loss associated with infidelity.
I stopped listening to pop music and watching TV shows/movies altogether. Cheating is normalized and even glamorized by the entertainment industry that it is not surprising how rampant infidelity is in our society.