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I’m looking for some advice or maybe some tips/tricks on how I can better manage my "strong" personality towards my WH.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been stubborn and bullheaded and maybe not the best at showing emotion or being emotionally available or vulnerable - clearly, the infidelity is not helping this and has created more of a barrier to letting my walls down (rightfully so). I’m just at the cusp of being 6 months out from DDay … I suppose I have decided to R with my WH … however, the decision to R on my end, I feel changes at the drop of a hat depending on my "mood" (not sure if this is normal).

My WH has made some immense changes since DDay … I won’t get into details in this post, but I truly am floored by his efforts. He is by far the definition of perfection when it comes to what he says or does sometimes, but he is giving 110% of what he knows how to and he is continuing to learn and grow. I truly am thankful that he doesn’t want to be the selfish asshole that he was not only during his bout of infidelity, but also before all of his shitshow.

Whenever my WH and I have a good day or even share an intimate moment together, I automatically then think to myself "hmmm, well I can’t have you thinking all is good and that you are forgiven because we laughed and had a good night … I’m going to be the biggest cu*t to you tomorrow because you need to remember what you have done and that you’re a POS." Then the next day(s) I proceed to make his life a living hell in any way I can … ignoring him or his texts/calls, name calling, telling him how big of a disappointment he is to everyone in his life - basically shitting on him. He takes it too, he lets me lash out and just follows up with "ILY and I’m not giving up without a fight."

I know it’s still so early and I’m going to be angry, sad and have many moments of "crazy," but I feel like I need to start to take more initiative in leading my own healing and to make more of a consistent effort if we are going to head down the path of R - from what I’ve read on SI, it takes both partners to make a successful R work.

For those of you who are strong and stubborn like me, how do you extend a little bit of grace (maybe that’s not the right word?) to a WS who is remorseful and doing his best to correct his wrongs? Everyday I think of his lies and betrayal and just want to smash his teeth in. Then there are other times I acknowledge his growth and change - if he can grow and change from this and be a better person in every aspect of his being, then I also am accountable and capable to do the same (I guess I’m just stuck in maybe a victim mentality).

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 8:20 PM, Thursday, April 4th]

Ugh...I definitely did this. It was like every time we had a good moment, an alert went off in my brain being like, "woah woah woah, rugsweeping alert! You want him to do the work, don't you? Don't let him think everything is okay! Don't let yourself think everything is okay. IT"S NOT OKAY!! Be careful around this person, you can't trust him," and I'd immediately spiral from happiness or comfort to despair or anger so fast I'm surprised my husband didn't get whiplash. Like you, I was fortunate that my husband was mostly pretty patient in these moments (though I'm sure he was also hurt and confused at times).

I'm by no means an expert but I think I've heard other people refer to it as a 'vulnerability hangover' and I would encourage you to read about that where you can. It actually kind of makes sense, I felt comfortable and SAFE and protected by my anger. I was scared AF of trusting him, or even allowing myself to be open enough to allow that trust start to grow back, and obviously I had good reason to be nervous or cautious about that. Those little moments where I let myself remember how good it felt to be happy with him and I started to feel like maybe there was a light at the end of it, would feel scary because being vulnerable opened myself up to letting him hurt me again. Vulnerability is HARD and it is brave. It does NOT come naturally to me either, and I've always admired those who are brave enough to wear their hearts on their sleeves. If you want to R though and build a new and better marriage, you need to be able to be vulnerable. Both of you. It's the ONLY way you can both be all in, and it is terrifying. Part of my work in R was working on vulnerability - it sounds like maybe that will be some of your work too.

My advice: Acknowledge what's happening - to yourself and to him. Maybe you wont be able to do that in the moment, but after you're finished spiraling or raging, try to reflect on what happened to you and why. Sometimes naming it is enough to take away its power - I know it helped me process how I wasn't really mad about A or B - I was scared about X or Y. Apologize when you cross lines - if you're anything like me, you will probably say stuff that's offside during your rage stage (right on time, by the way). Do your best to remind yourself what your goals are. One of mine, for example, was not to harbour any long term resentments. I grew up with parents who clearly had some resentments of one another (perhaps appropriately), and I could FEEL how toxic it was and I knew I didn't want that for my own marriage. I loved my husband but I didn't want to stay with him if I was going to forever feel like punishing him - I knew that would hurt me too. I'm not saying you shouldn't have those resentments now - if you didn't at 6 months out, I'd be worried about you, I am just saying that you need to work through them so they don't fester, and you don't get too comfortable with treating your husband as a scapegoat for your feelings. If you can, try to enjoy those nice moments of closeness and comfort when they arise. I felt like those little good moments were tiny breaths of fresh air that sustained my husband and I (R is hard for WS too) through a lot of generalized awful. They were brief reminders of what we were working for and we BOTH deserved that. Acknowledge your husband's effort where you can.It doesn't have to be all the time, and he should not be looking to you to build him up right now, but he is human, and R is a fucking slog and at least in my relationship, he was not afforded the same room as I gave myself to fall apart and have doubt (I really needed him to be steadfast). I will tell you I struggled with this, part of me felt like if I gave any positive reinforcement at all my rugsweeping alert alarm would go off and I would be afraid that my husband would get the idea that everything was okay and that I was satisfied where things were, and he'd ease off the gas pedal. The reality was that it absolutely wasn't okay and I was okay with absolutely nothing. But... I could see that he was trying, and I think he needed to hear that sometimes. I remember telling him that one time and seeing his eyes immediately fill with tears, and realizing that I was no the only one scared and in need of a little reassurance.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:59 PM, Thursday, April 4th]

HeartbrokenWife23- I relate to this so much. I have found talking to my UH afterwards, when I am calm- helps me admit what my actual fears are, and helps him see and understand me on a deeper level.
I appreciate everything emergent8 wrote as well.

I had to double check and make sure this wasn’t something I wrote when I was drunk on tequila I am a Taurus and I am so stubborn.

I am 6 months out and my WH is also completely changing into a better H. I also can’t stand when we have good days and lash out the following day. I have learned for me that being honest with him and letting him know my feelings vs lashing out has helped.

Example: I used to message him and tell him how trashy he was and how he jeopardized our kids and me and worse things I won’t put here.

I would hit send and he would respond with "I will never do it again and I am so thankful I still have you and will keep proving it"

All it did was make me feel like the trash so instead I say:

"We had a really good night last night can we celebrate my wins? Can you be thankful I gave you that and can that sustain us through my other bad 6 days I’m sure I’ll have."

Or
" I need you to know that I’m still hurting , I’m having a moment and because I l let me guard down yesterday it’s hard for me today"

After I say those things I don’t feel as bad and he can actually be there for me , if that makes sense. He can see the hurt and the pain and it isn’t masked work anger. It takes so much vulnerability it literally makes me feel sick to do it.

Don’t get me wrong I still lash out when I’m really afraid or I think he’s getting a little too comfortable but it isn’t as bad as it was the first 4 months so I see it as progress. I also tend to warn him that I’m feeling vulnerable and not ready to be with him considering he ripped my heart out.

I remember making him cry …. A lot the first five months and it NEVER made me feel good. I also think I have the victim mentality. I think if we start looking at how it makes us feel vs how it makes them feel we could change. I don’t like being that person , I don’t like making him feel that way, to me it almost felt like I was emotionally abusing him and doing it on purpose.

If it makes you feel any better we have a rule in the house after I shower. I have to go to the bedroom for twenty minutes and I can’t come out. (I get heavily flooded after showers) weird . I know. I used to get out of the shower towel wrapped around me still screaming at him and asking painful questions I already knew the answer to. We finally noticed the shower in itself was a trigger and we took steps to control it and minimize the damage.

So when I am feeling flooded, vulnerable, triggered I excuse myself to the bedroom, gym, or somewhere not around him until I can talk myself down. I am not in the place where I can be around him yet and also talk myself down. Maybe one day I will.

emergent8

So happy to hear that I’m not alone when it comes to the "alerts" - they are continually going off in my head and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to embrace the good/normal moments, but then I start thinking "man, there is nothing normal about this and you need to remind him of that."

I don’t know if I recall seeing the term "vulnerability hangover," but based off of what you describe, it definitely sounds like something I’m experiencing. I definitely need to learn to be vulnerable, but it’s terrifying to let these walls of mine down any longer than a hot minute.

I love your paragraph around advice. I’m going to try and remember all of these things and apply them to my situation. One of my downfalls is I can’t move past resentment (like you mentioned). Resentment towards him has been stewing long before the infidelity came into play and was never officially or properly dealt with, rather rugswept. I guess this is why rugsweeping is never a plausible solution.

Finallyworkingonme

Again, glad I’m not alone in my feelings of rage and others can relate. I definitely struggle with the communication piece (in general) but especially after I have these moments of rage that can come on out of nowhere. I really have to learn to come back and communicate these feelings in a positive manner - even though it’s easier said then done sometimes.

Groot1988

Getting drunk on tequila sounds like a great idea . I fully understand, I’m a Virgo and in addition to stubbornness, I am skeptical and overanalyze everything (good and bad I guess).

Me too! Especially in the "beginning" I would text him pictures/videos of us on vacations, us on our wedding, the birth of our kids, etc. and say so many vile things to hurt him like "look at what you threw away, hope you’re 4 minutes here and there were worth losing EVERYTHING!" I would purposely "attack" him while at work, hoping he would breakdown in front of his crew - many times he actually would come home when I did this. I did eventually put a stop to this behaviour because he actually needs concentration for his job or he could potential risk the safety not only of himself but others. I like your approach on saying "we had a good night … can you be thankful I gave you that" and while I do sometimes take that path, I don’t take it nearly as much as I should - I need to start doing this more often. How you worded it describes your feelings, but allows your WH to be supportive and feel like they can be there to comfort you.

I can relate to feeling "sick" when trying to be vulnerable. It takes everything, and I mean EVERY ounce of my being to open up with him - like I feel physical pain and I need to talk myself through these bouts of vulnerability every damn time. It’s sooo much work.

Sounds like you have figured out ways to manage some stressors/triggers that come about for you, I’m hoping that gives you a sense of relief. My WH in general is also a trigger for me - his face, ugh! I want space from him during these times and not only out of my sight, but essentially out of my house so I don’t feel his presence. Then if he’s not constantly following me around like a lost puppy I get irritated because he’s not "trying to console me" - essentially for the damage he has done to me. I feel like I can’t win. It’s so hard. Hopefully some light can start to shine through.

Definately a member of this club!

Can I just say that some of us "married beneath ourselves" in the emotional intelligence department, and what you are describing has about as much to do with that level of frustration as it does about Infidelity in general? I am projecting my own situation but it totally drives me nuts trying to "communicate" with somebody who has a static view of people as "things" to be pushed around, picked up, kept or tossed aside, with no idea that these "things" have feelings of their own, like DUH.

Sounds like you have figured out ways to manage some stressors/triggers that come about for you, I’m hoping that gives you a sense of relief. My WH in general is also a trigger for me - his face, ugh! I want space from him during these times and not only out of my sight, but essentially out of my house so I don’t feel his presence. Then if he’s not constantly following me around like a lost puppy I get irritated because he’s not "trying to console me" - essentially for the damage he has done to me. I feel like I can’t win. It’s so hard. Hopefully some light can start to shine through.

I get this so much. Last night I stayed at the gym for 2 hours, came home and shut myself in the bedroom and went to bed.
I walked out to grab something from the living room and he said "hey baby" I said nothing and had to get away. Then I got sad he gave me space because I really needed him to be there but I didn't express it, he thought space is what I needed.
He apologized this morning for the A when he kissed me goodbye and has texted me several times but I hit him with once again "How could you do this?" I have many bad days too, he is a huge trigger just by himself. Give yourself some grace, if you're having good days or even good moments I see that as progress, if you were anything like me in the beginning.
I do drink tequila quite often, on days I don't it is VERY hard to be around him at all, I need to work on that because I know alcohol will not do either of us any favors.

I would purposely "attack" him while at work, hoping he would breakdown in front of his crew - many times he actually would come home when I did this. I did eventually put a stop to this behaviour because he actually needs concentration for his job or he could potential risk the safety not only of himself but others

I DID THIS SO MANY TIMES, I can't even count them. He actually would break down at work and cry in the corner, mind you he started a brand new physically exhausting job right after DDAY since the AP was a coworker. He would text me begging me to stop and our MC actually sent me an article on "fair fighting". LIKE WHAT IS FAIR ABOUT WHAT HE DID? Anyways I eventually slowed down but still have my moments, I mean I know he texted her all day while he was at work, now he acts so busy. I try to remind myself that this job is helping sustain our children and their needs and if he loses it because of this then they could go without, I don't think about his feelings really, I mean he didn't think about mine. Guess it is all about re-framing.

I hope with time things get better for both of us. I never understood what they meant here when they said healing from infidelity isn't linear and now I get it..... just because we have a good day today doesn't mean tomorrow we wont be back down on the floor crying and I hate not knowing what tomorrow brings. Hang in there, I hear you.

I'm stubborn. I can be vindictive.

I feel what you have written.

I don't know if I have great advice. Maybe it's terrible advice.

I've learned to live the impermanent. I bet you were really in it in your dead marriage.

What works for me in marriage 2.0 is that I have matched the uncertainty that my wife unilaterally injected into our M. I give myself permission to enjoy right now and change my mind later.

You can have fun right now. You can have an M with him and you can make it so he is never absolved. Absolution is off the table in my R.

It's ok. So if it's working for you now, you can accept that. If it stops working, then bail. No one is making you stay for any reason or no reason at all.

I might be off base here, or too focused on my own feelings and behaviors. But your next M in R doesn't have to be forever.

Superesse

I get what you’re saying. I don’t understand the thought process or maybe lack thereof around infidelity. I constantly think about how my WH just discarded myself and his kids like trash - like we don’t mean anything or have any feelings. Then upon discovery he’s trying to dig through to the bottom of the trash can to pick us out. Makes me feel so good

Groot1988

It’s nice to know I’m not alone in all of this, it’s comforting (almost morbid sounding word I know) that there are so many people walking in my shoes and can relate. Makes me not feel as crazy as I do sometimes. I feel you when they apologize for the A - like I guess this is what therapy suggests and the books, etc … but the constant "I’m sorry" pisses me off. I always ask "what exactly are you sorry for - that you’ve destroyed your family or that you got caught?!" Good days or good moments definitely are progress and deserve some sort of praise - definitely something for everyone to acknowledge.

"Like what is fair about what he did" - EXACTLY! Their is no comparison to be had in terms of fairness when it comes to an A - it’s BS and if I could find a level and fair playing field so he could experience my daily feelings/thoughts/emotions I would. I can totally relate to thinking and reminding yourself that there are children to consider. I too think of it in this way, and refrain from being "crazy" through text and during work hours (it won’t do much good if he loses his job now does it). Honestly, another thing I found about getting into "texting rages" was that I could never gauge his reaction through a text. I remind myself that I would much rather talk/rage/whatever in person so I could get more of an "authentic" reaction and response in the moment vs. through text when he has time to consider what he’s going to say and respond back with.

Infidelity is definitely not linear, I too have learned this over the course of the past 6 months. I thought A’s were black or white, but the gray area is so large. The uncertainty of tomorrow is a killer, but apparently time will help lesson the wounds (I really hope so). Hopefully things continue to positively progress for myself, you and everyone else here on SI.

This0is0Fine

I completely understand where you are coming from. There is definitely no time limit or rules to follow as far as my feelings are concerned. I can decide at any point in time if this is what I want or maybe not what I want.

At 6 months out, the rage phase tends to hit. You're coming out of the shock.

I found that ny anger started to go away, as he did the work to become a safe partner.

I've read some of your previous posts. Other than being a more present,and loving,husband and father, what work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

HellFire

I was definitely in shock the first couple of months, but not gonna deny that anger and rage became more dominant "earlier" then the 6 month mark people talk about - not really surprised considering who I am and my personality type (I can hold a grudge).

I’ve sat and thought about this exact thing a lot recently. While I express to my WH I am appreciative and thankful he "sees" the importance of being a present/loving father/husband and doing all such duties that naturally come along with this - I tell him thst these are "easy" and something you always should of been doing and that these changes don’t necessarily make you a "safe" partner (you need to step up in that department).

Off the top of my head the obvious NC ensued the day after Dday, he told his boss the situation and explained either he would have to resign or the bitch would need to be let go, he obtained a letter from his boss to give to me with his signature stating he was aware of the situation and that XYZ would be the next steps if he ever jeopardized the company again (letter is also on his file at work), he was successful in getting her fired, all passwords to everything, tracking, he leaves his phone available to me at all times, he has apologized to my family for what he has done, he attends therapy, when he remembers details about his infidelity he comes and tells me and we discuss it, we have open communication about our feelings/emotions and set weekly meetings to discuss how our week has gone, reading books …

He always asks me what he can do to become a safe partner. Honestly, when he asks, I’m at a loss for words and don’t know what will actually help. There were a couple of more recent instances and he didn’t take them, which made me upset. I explained to him that these would of been huge trust building steps and that by not taking these opportunities you are continuing to stalling any progress that is made. I told him I’m not expecting perfection and that I just expect honesty. There is definitely room for improvement, but he has taken a lot of "difficult" steps to where he is currently.

If anybody has suggestions for me that I can pass along to my WH I will HAPPILY consider them.

All of that sounded good..until you said he was asking you what he needs to do to become a safe partner.

No. That is HIS work. He needs to figure that out. He managed to have an entire affair without needing to be told how to do it.

He can search for resources. You did, when you found this site. He can google.

He must be proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

It sounds like he's doing the basic stuff. But he needs to dig deeper.

HellFire

He definitely has done lots on his own and not that I think he’s lazy or incapable, but that he’s stuck (hell, I’m stuck myself).

But I agree, he definitely needs to continue and dig deeper. I’m hoping over the course of these next 6 months that he can discover his deeper "whys” and continue to prove that he can in fact be a “safe” partner at some point.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 9:02 PM, Friday, April 5th]

I've been told that I'm like a bulldog, once I get going, I never let go. It's true.

With this, a WS to deal with, you have to step back and work to understand the origins of your spouse becoming a WS.

It's a lot of work. It is crazymaking.

You just do the best you can, some days better, some worse, understand that and give yourself some space and permission to not be at your best all the time.

I'm like this. For the longest time WH would say things like "do you want me to pick up a pizza on the way home" or something similar and my response would be "unless you bring LTAP head on a silver platter don't bother bringing me anything". It felt good but ultimately didn't solve anything.

Eventually, I found that I got sick of myself with that attitude. It didn't help anything. And caused me more time/effort/energy/stress/anxiety and exhaustion. So I started focusing on me. Doing for me. I started wandering Target aimlessly slowly sipping coffee and found tiny pockets of peace. I discovered audiobooks and took long walks with my earbuds and a story. I would do little things like that. And each time I found a minute reprieve from my pain and trauma.

It took a long time. Years. And to this day I still find myself thinking this response in my head.

And while the shock and awe is long over - every now and again if he offers to bring me something my knee jerk thought is "OMG what is he trying to overcompensate for" and start the spiral downward. I actually have recently retrained my thinking to say "If he is trying to overcompensate for anything - that's on him" and I politely response "no thank you" Unless...I really want that pizza :)