SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm here because I have no one to talk to. My guy friends and my family aren't impartial, and I also don't want to let the whole world know I'm going through this yet. It's really embarrassing.

Long story short, mine is a very familiar tale. Just found out wife has been having an affair with her former boss who lives 1500 miles away. At first it sounded like maybe just an emotional affair.

When I brought it up and we talked, she says "I'm not happy" and all the usual things. She's seeing a therapist too, not sure if she's getting good or bad advice there. We're still living together, with our 4yo child, not really "separated" yet. It's a weird, weird limbo I'm in.

After learning of the affair, we still spent time together 3 days in a row. Watched movies. Listened to music. Went to a friend's birthday event. Played with our kid. Exercised together. And had amazing sex two nights in a row.

She says we can try to make this work. I'm not convinced, but optimistic.

I'm trying to do all the right things, focus on myself, and stay strong. But then I get totally caught off guard by things like THIS.

I was feeling good today, things were going well, and just went to drive my wife's car (we switch cars a lot), and I see it's trying to connect to this other guy's phone.

Meaning he was in the car, and recently.

Worse, the rearview mirror in her car was broken recently and we got it fixed. I genuinely believed it might have been our kid who damaged it.

But no, now I'm thinking she was banging this guy IN our car recently.

NOW, I'm totally emotional and angry and it's messed up my whole day.

My wife kissed me before she left on her work trip last night. Said I love you multiple times. We had really good sex just 2 days ago, and the day before that.

But then I find this.

She says she wants to work on things. She's been affectionate and I've felt optimistic. But I'm confused.

Part of me wants to text her RIGHT NOW and say I saw this, and now I don't believe she didn't see him recently on her last trip, and I shouldn't have to be treated like this. And basically give her an ultimatum.

But I'm not sure if that will make anything any better. Help!

Hey OP. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place. It's tough. I get it. I've been there and navigating this shitshow is soul crushing.

Take a deep breath. Now, the woman you loved is not the woman in front of you. Maybe she existed, maybe she was a projection of what you wanted. It doesn't matter. The real version is in front of you.

First, cheaters lie. Many of them become like caged animals, acting and reacting based on instinct. Remember, it's all about them.

Stop.step back. Slow the situation down and do what is best for you. Run things through the bullshit meter that is this site. The aggregate wisdom that is this place is amazing.

hey alph, sorry you had to find us here. you do seem really collected to be in such a shitty situation tho, props to you on that. if you can manage to hold your shit together for long enough to find out the whole truth before you depend on her to tell you the truth, you would do yourself a lot of favors. if i could have a redo, i would have placed a voice activated recorder in the trim under her steering wheel in her car, and listened to her tell the real truth before i ever confronted her. once they’re confronted, it cues them to start hiding shit. don’t say anything else, stay cool, hit up amazon. VARs are pretty cheap and easy to use. be smart and don’t let your emotions make your decisions right now… hang in there friend

First off thank you both for replying, I can't tell you how much it helps.

I feel like I know what I need to do, but I dont know how to stay strong. Like how to stay distracted, especially at night (going to bed is the worst).

Gonna be rough.

Sorry brother. Look at the 180 process here in the sticky posts in JFO and in the SI library. You have to be strong even though you're feeling like you are broken. You have to be firm with getting out of infidelity: with or without your WW. The 180 helps you with that and it helps you regain the initiative to escape infidelity. A bonus is that if you choose to offer R, it also helps there because it sends a signal to your WW that you are not going to tolerate sharing her and you are going to be ok even if you D.

Focus on you now. Hydrate, exercise, do what you enjoy to help ease stress. And make expectations clear for her. No sharing her in any way, not for one more day.

it is alph.. it’s gonna be a struggle for a while, but u don’t grow without the growing pains. i’m sure we all felt just like u.. i did. you’re not alone. just take care of yourself as best u can and stay calm… be smart, don’t be rash. you’ll get a lot of good guidance here. everything’s gonna be ok tho. there’s life on the other side of this ✌🏻

I’m glad you decided to post over here. Not glad for the situation you are in though.

You’re getting some good advice so far. All the stress and anxiety? One small thing that may help at least a little bit is telling yourself how much stronger you are going to be after this. No matter where it ends up. And you will be. Remind yourself of this constantly.

A few things:

1. Collect evidence. Screenshots of txts, emails voice msgs anything that tells the truth. The suggestion of the VAR is a great one. Many deceits were uncovered this way.

2. Find OMW. Place of employment, home phone, cell phone whatever you can dig up. Find a way to contact her by voice. Do not send a txt msg or IM when you expose. You need to be certain that OM isn’t running interference.

3. Construct a plan to expose. At minimum OMW needs to know. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because after she knows, either he’s going to go NC with your WW. Or he’ll be tied up dealing with his own wife.

4. This is more personal. Decide who, if anyone else you want to tell. Her parents? Siblings? Your family? You’re dynamic is your own so no one else can really tell you who else to tell. Whoever you think will be able to give you support.

5. Affairs thrive in the darkness and die out in the sunlight. There are always exceptions where some have doubled down on their affair after exposure, but it is rare.

6. Read here like crazy. You’ll find that you are not in a unique situation. Cheaters are not special snowflakes. They all follow just a few scripts. You’ll see that after arming yourself with knowledge.

7. Keep moving forward and make decisions. They don’t have to always be life changing decisions, but do not stagnate. Avoid paralysis. You need to get yourself out of infidelity. Whatever that may mean in your situation whether it be R with her or divorce or separation. Work towards it.

8. Bare minimum for R to begin is NC with OM. Complete no contact. Keep this in mind. It is important. If there is continued contact, there is no R.

9. Ask questions! Keep people here updated on new information. The more people know the more you will be flooded with suggestions and advice.

10. Listen to that advice! You don’t have to do everything people suggest, but don’t throw out everything. You’ll find plenty of sad stories here of people who just posted and ignored all the advice they were given. I can’t remember one instance where that worked out in their favor at all.

Thanks all, this is definitely helpful. I know neediness is an awful trait, especially now, but I need this site and your help - because there's no one else. So thank you.

I did begin seeing a therapist but that's once a week. At night, my mind runs around in bad circles and this place is already helping me stay calm.

As for telling the AP's spouse, believe me I REALLY want to. But it feels like it might make my own situation worse right now by adding to the drama. My thought would be to do that ASAP if my wife doesn't cut off contact as soon as I tell her to...

My thought would be to do that ASAP if my wife doesn't cut off contact as soon as I tell her to...

That’s one of the most important reasons to tell the other betrayed spouse. Exposure is your best chance of killing the affair. Her affair partner likely isn’t looking to ride off into the sunset with her, he just wanted some no strings attached sex. When he’s facing losing half his shit and going 50/50 with the kids odds are he’ll throw your wayward wife under the bus. That tends to be an educational experience.

It’s also the morally correct thing to do. The OBS has as much right to know the truth about her marriage as you do.

We're still living together, with our 4yo child, not really "separated" yet. It's a weird, weird limbo I'm in.

You don't have to make any decisions about her, you make decisions about you. What are you willing to tolerate?

She says we can try to make this work.

What exactly is it that she's trying to make "work"?

You don't provide many details, no criticism meant, so I am surmising that she is hiding a lot.

Most of us found out a lot was being hidden, shockingly more than we would have ever suspected.

Take things one day at a time, protect yourself, take care of your child, and don't have sex with her no matter how great it is. People in affairs rarely use protection. Get tested, stay safe.

I agree with notifying the OBS, if you read enough of my posts you will understand why, but I'm not the only one who was kept in harmful ignorance for years.

So sorry for the situation you find yourself in but I’m glad you found this site.

I understand the initial feeling of embarrassment but you will learn that the infidelity really has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. You need to realize that the affair is 100% on your wife and that in no way did you cause her to have the affair. You very well may have contributed to the problems and stress in the marriage. No marriage is perfect and some are a lot less perfect than others. The solution to problems in a marriage is communication or counseling or even divorce but never an affair.

When it comes to VARs, I suggest getting at least 3 recorders. One for secreting in her car, at least one for a location in your residence where she may be likely to make calls when you aren’t home and one for keeping on your person whenever you are around her. The one on your person is to protect you from false charges of domestic violence and to provide you with a record of things she may say to you and then later change the story or deny having said it. You probably believe she would never falsely charge you with DV but then you never would have believed she would cheat on you.

For problems sleeping, you should let your doctor know what is going on and have him give you something to get through these early days. You need to be seeing him anyway to get tested for STDs.

I also recommend getting a consultation with a Divorce attorney. I’m not telling you to file, just get info on what you could expect if everything goes south and you or her decide to D. Information is power and the unknown can be scary.

I also agree with informing the OBS. Informing the OBS is the moral thing to do and has the added benefit of having an additional set of eyes on the A to see that NC is maintained and they don't take the A underground. The OBS can be an important ally, allowing for the comparison of WW's story and the AP's story. In most cases, informing the OBS will, by itself, kill the A. Just don't tell WW that you are going to inform the OBS because she will warn the AP and he will warn OBS that WW's crazy husband has been accusing every man that WW has come in contact with.

Also, you need to be careful that you do not let you WW find out you are consulting this site. This is your safe space and you will receive a lot of suggestions and strategies for dealing with her so don’t tell her about SI. I suggest you delete your browsing history and use an incognito browsing window.

I’m so sorry that you have to be here, alphabet100, but it’s a great place to be.

I agree 100 percent with all of the advise you’ve been given so far. The reasons for some of it may not be completely clear yet, but they’re important. Keep this site for yourself, don’t tell her about it. Get tested for STDs. Tell the OBS immediately. Please understand how you would feel if the OBS knew and didn’t tell you the reality of your situation.

You’re very new to this, so I’ll just say: if her mouth is moving, don’t believe her right now. Waywards have a really hard time with the truth right after discovery. They’ve been lying for quite awhile. They’ve been doing it habitually and routinely, so they can obviously do it pretty easily to protect themselves. It’s highly unlikely that you know everything at this point. Protect yourself from the horrifying shock of further information by knowing that it’s out there. Take control.

And on that note: SHE says you can try to make it work???? She’s the cheater here. She doesn’t get to make all of the decisions. How has it worked out so far to have your entire life and trust in her hands. At this point, you are the one who should be calling the shots, my friend. And you should not be agreeing to anything until you’ve had time to process everything and probably get some help from an IC. Please don’t let her believe that she is still in the driver’s seat. It won’t help you get what you want and need in the end. She should understand clearly that you are the one who will decide is you want to give it a go, and she can just wait and try to make herself worthy of such a chance in the meantime.

As I said, you’re getting great advise. Consider your path carefully. Instead of being grateful that she is willing to try, think about whether or not you can really live with the kinds of triggers that you had this morning for the long haul. Think about whether or not you can live with a woman that you now know for sure is capable of the worst kind of disrespectful, dishonest, unloving behavior towards you.

Most of all, start taking good care of yourself. It’s easy to really sink in this situation. We’re all here for you. We get it. Sending you strength and support.

Thanks all, this is really good advice. I may get the nerve to call the OBS today.

As for my WS... she won't be home for 2 more days. In the meantime, she's sending me nice messages, sending little videos for our kid (she stepped this up this week, she hasn't been so connected on previous work trips)... and little good night / good morning messages.

It's killing me because we haven't yet had the direct convo about ending the affair, and when she sends me these messages all I want to do is respond asking if she's still talking to him, or if she understands I can't talk to her until she ends it.

But my counselor advised to not do that over text, to wait until we're in person again?

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of great information. Plus, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that are good to read. The Healing Library is another great resource and is the spot where you can find the list of acronyms we use.

Your WW (wayward wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and provides some really good advice. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I like the chapter on windows and walls because it's a good analogy for boundaries. The windows represent transparency between the two of you, and the walls are the boundaries that you set between those outside the M (marriage).

had amazing sex two nights in a row.

This could be hysterical bonding (HB), which can be fun while it lasts. It could also be love bombing, where she's using sex to manipulate your emotions and keep you off-balance and cause you to be confused.

She needs IC (individual counseling) to work on her whys and to become a safe partner. It's a lot of work and many WSs (wayward spouses) don't have it in them to change. There are others who pull their head out of their behind and do the work. If you do give an ultimatum, then be prepared to follow through. I gave my XWH a boundary that if he had inappropriate sexual contact with another person, I would D him. Spoiler alert: we're now D.

If you have trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, then see your doctor for some meds. They can help you short-term, so it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be on them for a long time. I was on meds for about a year.

While you're there, you may want to get tested for STDs/STIs, as it's very likely that they didn't use protection and you don't want to be surprised down the road with a nasty after-effect.

Cheaters lie, and it's rare that the BS (betrayed spouse) gets the truth the first time around. Of course, there are instances where it does happen, but that's more like a sparkly unicorn.

Keep posting and let us know how we can help.

Elaborate on one thing: If he’s 1500 miles away then is there a reason he was in her car? Do you know he was in your area? Something his wife could confirm… I think avoiding confrontation is the bane of mental health. I think you are better off confronting her NOW. Who knows, maybe there is another reason for why her car tried to log his phone… maybe it’s an old burner she uses to communicate with him. Not good, but better than an actual physical presence.

---

See my tagline?
I truly believe that quote. We can’t avoid experiencing unhappiness, but we can take action to not remain in unhappiness.

My suggestion for you is relatively simple and even easy to implement, but hard to do:
Let her know that she is free to do whatever she wants, be with OM, find happiness with OM or whatever…
But not as your wife.

Let her know that you KNOW OM was near her recently, and that you no longer hold her to her marital obligations. She can seek her happiness elsewhere like she has told you and shown she wants to do, but you are no longer basing your happiness on her.

Then start whatever processes are required to move on.

We tend to think of ending marriage as this big legal cat-fight. It’s a lot more a process, and a process that is mainly controlled by laws, regulations and known patterns. You are still a very long way from the finality of divorce. What setting her free does is that it sets YOU free. I allows you to understand what to expect. Removes false hope. It also sends her a very clear message: She CAN chose to end the marriage, or she CAN chose to work at saving the marriage.
IF she does offer to work at R, your willingness to walk away from a hopeless situation can help her realize the seriousness, and how she has to commit to the marriage.

When you tell OMW, it’s possible your WW may rage at you, she may threaten you, or cuss you out. She may surprise you and be contrite. Whatever the case, DO NOT apologize for exposing the affair. The closest thing to an apology would be "I’m sorry I didn’t do that sooner."

Begging, pleading or any variation of playing "pick me" will only harm your position. She needs to know you’re not playing games with her.

Edit

[This message edited by alphabet100 at 5:26 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

How did I do? Might have messed up...

Wife was messaging me this morning. Sent another cute video for our kid. Says she wants to fix our family, she loves me.

So I asked, "I really wanted to get clarity on this before your work trip. But you're still seeing him and talking to him, aren't you?"

10 min later she says

"We can talk more when I get back but no I'm not. Focused on fixing our family. :( Want to make this better baby. Love you"

So I laid it out, what I should've said already:

"I can't accept anything less than full no contact, forever. Sounds harsh, but I need to be my best so I can be there for our son, and that's what I require.

I know he was with you recently. It hurts. But I can't control that... what I can control is what I do going forward.

I can promise a few things:

- It will take me a while to truly get over the hurt, especially when things have happened so close to home

- I'm not going to ever use this to guilt trip you. I won't bring up these things or use this as a weapon against you in the future to make you feel bad. I know that my place to vent, if needed, is my counselor. I want to truly build our marriage up to better than ever, and that means it has to start from a strong foundation

And that's why there can't be any more lies. None.

There just can't be any middle ground here. I know you might be confused, but I'm not... I'm not willing to share my wife with someone else.

We want you here. But you have to make that decision too. And if you really mean what you say, then I know we can build stronger from this.

As for telling the AP's spouse, believe me I REALLY want to. But it feels like it might make my own situation worse right now by adding to the drama.

No one screams louder than a toddler caught with their hand in the cookie jar or a teenager caught sneaking in after curfew reeking of alcohol. Drama as a form of manipulation. This is no different.

Gather your evidence - keep it in a safe place. Keep a copy somewhere else in case your original gets destroyed/goes missing. Expose to the OBS. Don't let anyone know you are doing this [they will find ways to talk you out of it and/or postpone so damage control can be done]. Do it and let the pieces fall where they may.

Then - let the dust settle and figure out what you want to do.

You did not screw up. The hard part will be to follow through if need be. Good luck.