SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out yesterday that my wife of 12 years had an affair when on a work trip in Chicago. I had a weird gut feeling that something was going on. She had gone on other trips for work when she and her family owned another business, but this time something felt different.

Her flight arrived home on Monday evening, and she said she was incredibly tired. She placed her phone on her charger and went to lay down. I guess the saying goes be careful when you snoop because you may not like what you find. There were texts from her "boss" saying things like he wished she was coming home to him, etc. There were casual texts from her to him but nothing overly out of line. I questioned her about the texts, and she said that he had sent some inappropriate texts, but she nipped them in the bud. I asked her not to lie to me and she swore up and down that this was the extent… nothing physical happened. The next morning, I asked to check her phone – she agreed. I pulled up the deleted texts, when I mentioned I was going to look at these texts she immediately tried to grab her phone from me… the sexting that was going on was out of control. She admitted that they kissed a couple of times, but when he pushed for more said to him that that was reserved for her husband… BS! She called me when she landed but at the same time was texting him saying how she wants his hands all over her body and was he thinking of her when he was in the shower – with sexual emojis in the text. He texted her about how he wants to F*** her and do all sorts of things to her.

This is such an unbelievable soul-wrenching pain. We also have two young kids to consider. She says she wants to make amends but I am just so unbelievably hurt, disgusted, and broken right now… I just don’t know what to do. I can hardly type this as my hands can’t stop shaking. We are still in the same house, I haven’t left because I am really close and love my kids so much. This morning, she asked for a hug – which I vehemently refused. Sorry if this is random – it’s all just so raw, new, and painful right now.

You found the right place. The advice and support here will get you through the most awful betrayal of infidelity.
Consult a lawyer before leaving the house. Best advice is to make her move to another bedroom, if possible. I guarantee they had sex and that means std testing asap. If her boss is married let his spouse know. Copy the evidence in case she needs proof. Ask for a timeline. That’s nonnegotiable.
Take care of yourself and your babies. There’s nothing more important than that. Drink water, exercise, and don’t drink alcohol.
More survivors will post. We’ve all been where you are. You aren’t alone and will make it, with it without your wife.
Good luck.

So sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful, plus posts with some bull's eye markers. The Healing Library has a lot of information and includes the list of acronyms that we use.

Your emotions can be all over the place - we call it the emotional roller coaster. A lot of what you're feeling is normal in this abnormal situation.

Both of you should be tested for STDs/STIs because infidelity can give you some life-long diseases. You can ask her if they used protection, but it is unlikely. If you need help with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for meds. The meds can help you and you don't have to be on them forever.

Take care of you and your children. Stay hydrated (no alcohol), eat if you can (even protein shakes), exercise. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. Bonus points if they have experience with infidelity.

Your WW (wayward wife) has a shit-ton of work to do. Watch her actions, and don't listen to her words. You will find that cheaters lie, and then lie some more. She needs to find a new job. She needs IC to dig into her whys and work on becoming a safe partner. She didn't make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab milk when you're at the store. She made conscious choices to cheat. She had many opportunities to do something else, but she didn't. I mean, why didn't she go to HR when it first started happening?

You did nothing wrong. The A (affair) is 100% on her and is a result of her decisions. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is written specifically for WSs (wayward spouses), but you can read it, too. It's a nice blueprint for her to follow. Another book we recommend is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Others will be along soon.

Thank you for all your responses.

He lives in CA and we are in CO - this is the first time they met in person, and I have not been intimate since she has been back - the thought of being her sloppy seconds... . I told her that she needs to quit this job ASAP, but she says she's scared for her financial future if we divorce and has nothing to fall back on - but "will start looking for a new job." More BS

Thank you all again, as most of you know I have never experienced a pain and betrayal as sever as this. I don't know how to describe the feeling of being numb and in immense pain all at the same time.

Also, I feel like I need to talk about it. When it's quiet I can see the texts and imagine what they were doing.

And this one really stings - she called him "babe" in her texts... she used to only call me that.

Is he her boss as in the only owner of the company, or her boss as her manager in a larger company?

Hey OP. Sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found this place. This community of strangers has saved me and I hope they will do the same for you.

First off. Your Ww is textbook. By that, I mean, she's following a WS script. We call it the Cheater's Handbook and we've seen it all before. It was just a text and nothing happened, okay, we sent sexy messages, okay, pics, okay videos, okay, we kissed but only once, okay it was just oral, we only had sex once, but I didn't enjoy it, okay, we've been seeing each other for years, but I swear the kids are yours. Yadda, yadda, yadda... We have literally seen it all, so please benefit from the aggregate wisdom and experience of a group of people who genuinely want to help.

Firstly, gathering preserve evidence. It's tough to be in a clear state of mind when you've suffered trauma, but do the best you can. You will need evidence to offset the gaslighting that may follow and to inform the other BS.

Next, recognize that you have suffered a trauma unlike any other and be prepared. Intimate partner betrayal is unlike any other as it is not an act of God event. It has its own category and can trigger an existential crisis in the victim.

Don't rush to do, say r believe anything until you run it through the bullshit analyzer that is this site. I recently went through a heartbreak with a new woman. I went back and read members comments about my new relationship and they were spot on warning me about the many red flags that I refused to take heed of because I thought I was special and my situation
Was diffrerent. Yeah, it wasn't.

Lastly, take care of yourself. The M you thought you gad is over, but like a drowning victim, there is a strong urge to grab onto snyrhing that will help you survive, or in your case, get back to the old relationship and stop the pain. That is why many BS's will try to believe the ridiculous bullshit waywards spew. It is the comfortable lie that makes the pain go away, well at least until the subconscious starts screaming at us.

Be strong. You got this and we've got your back.

I am so sorry to hear this. Please let me assure you, you will get over this. I was in similar situation I thought nothing will heal me i was feeling dead, I was living like a robot, but eventually it got better.

You will get better give it time, I pray you get better soon. Trust me I know how you feel.

It's just sad seeing people betrayed over and over.

TimD

You found the right place to seek help from! We are all with you brother. Everyone who posts here has been through a betrayal similar to yours, so we know the pain you’re feeling.

You are going to get a lot of great tactical advice.

The one thing I will add is - trust your gut. I knew from the first moment that my fWW f’ed the OM. My fWW didn’t admit to having sex with the OM for weeks and it only came about when she had a miscarriage.

If your wife admits to "kissing" the POS boss, it’s all but certain that they had sex. Middle schoolers kiss, adults have sex.

You need to insist that your wife get a full STI panel test done asap.

Consult a family law attorney asap. Save all the incriminating evidence even though your state is a "no fault" one.

Take care of yourself. Avoid alcohol. Drink a lot of water, exercise, eat well and get a lot of sleep. Talk to your doctor and get anti-anxiety or sleep meds if appropriate.

Post here when you are able to and don’t hesitate to ask for help!!

He is part owner of this company - she is actually a contractor through them who handles their social media campaign.

I was in a state after I read her texts and she has since deleted them all. Unfortunately I am unable to get any evidence - which really sucks!

I know I can go to the majority owner and to this douche-bag (though I'm not discounting what she did either). But I almost feel like what's the point. I would love to set their whole world ablaze, shout it to the neighbors what a cheater my wife is. But other than vindictive gratification, it wouldn't have made this not happen.

And, here's the eff'd up part - I still love her in some odd way... I want to hate her, every damn ounce of her for what she did to me and our family.

TimD

There are apps like Dr. Fone that can recover deleted texts.

The fact that your wife is trying to cover her tracks right in front of you is a flashing red light about her intentions. She is doubling down on her treachery. A married, middle-aged woman doesn’t usually have sex with a long-distance coworker/acquaintance on the first meetup without a long period of emotional cheating.

Colorado is a one party consent state. I urge you to buy a voice activated recorder (VAR), keep it charged and carry it on your person all the time when you are talking to your WW. That way, you will have a backup in case she denies saying something she said or mischaracterizes a conversation later.

The person in your house now is not the person you married.

I'm sorry you had to find your way here, but there's a lot of wisdom here on how to navigate this first phase. You're getting a lot of great advice. To reinforce:

Is her POS boss married? You need to tell his wife ASAP and show her what proof you have. It's not out of spite or revenge, but rather to give her agency. Plus, it will make their affair much harder to take underground.

Next, you know she's lying. It went much farther and for much longer than she's admitting. Get her phone and run a recovery program on it, like Dr. Fone, to get all the deleted texts.

Also, take care of yourself. 180/Gray Rock her. Give yourself some space and distance from her emotionally so you can digest the sh!t sandwich she served you. Don't leave the house, however, because since you have children in the home it could be seen as abandonment.

Get into individual counseling as soon as you can.

Finally, see a lawyer.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

TimD

Couple of quick questions:

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

Do you have any family or close friends to lean on near you?

I will reiterate what 1994 said above. You must tell the other betrayed partner if the POS is married or has a long term partner.

I have two kids 6 and 5

My mom and brothers are pretty close by

I can't find her information. I have been looking. This is his second marriage, and married this woman after they dated for @10 years. I just do not have any information about her - not even her first name. I know my CW will not give me the info.

TimD,

I am sorry this has happened to you. One point about deleted texts on phones is that almost anything digital can be recovered unless a factory reset has ben done on a phone, and most people do not know that. It is perfectly possible for you to give your wife's phone to a specialist who offers data recovery services (even some private investigators do it), and they can recover and download all kinds of deleted and hidden material. Oh, and a PI will be able to find out all the details about her AP and his new wife too. They are experts at doing that kind of research.

In your position, I would obtain her phone and get it examined. All that 'deleted' stuff is still there, and possibly more that you do not know about.

Please take good care of yourself, and if you have some close people you can confide in, do so. People here will support you too.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:54 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

First order of business is to get the deleted txts recovered and screenshotted for save keeping. If you have to, find a PI that offers this, setup something with them if it’s not something you feel you can do yourself. Hell, grab the phone and disappear with it if you have to.

Find the OM wife. Get her on the phone. Not txt or messaging app. ( you need to be confident it’s not OM running interference)

Tell her what’s going on, tell her you have proof and offer it to her.

Really, the first step is to blow everything wide open. The worst position you can put yourself in is as a doormat. You want yourself to be in a position of power with at least a bit of the upper hand on the situation, not playing catch-up.

Your wife needs to know and believe that you will leave the relationship

TimD,

It’s good that you have family nearby. Lean on them.

More questions if you don’t mind answering.

Leading up to this trip, did your intimacy with your WW change at all? Looking back at the last few months, were there other warning signs that you realize now in retrospect?

Also, between the two of you, who earns more and/or has higher net worth?

Added later - if she’s a contractor, then quitting this “job” should be relatively easier, right?

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 5:35 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

he admitted that they kissed a couple of times, but when he pushed for more said to him that that was reserved for her husband…

^^My husband and his affair partner told me the same thing, too bad the emails I discovered painted a completely different picture.

We lived in NJ at the time and the co-worker lived in California. She met my husband at his hotel when he was visiting her site.

Please understand that affairs don't happen in a vacuum. My husband's affair was the culmination of a couple years of online communication that started off professionally and ended up with the same discussions your wife had with her boss. Flirting, sexting, complaining about each other's spouse, and just life in general.

Once I discovered the affair, my husband gave me access to everything, his phone, his work emails and voicemails. He dropped the affair partner like a hot potato and never visited her site again. As a matter of fact, he generally did a great deal of traveling, which basically came to a standstill because I was devastated and didn't trust him for one second.

My husband also found another job several months later as he could not do his job effectively by staying away from the California office. There was no way in hell I would have ever accepted him going back there.

Your wife must NOT have any communication with this guy ever again. No phone calls, texts, emails, no contact. Non-negotiable.

Find his wife, she deserves to know. The husband of my husband's affair partner found their emails, confronted my husband and his wife, they both convinced him they would stop. Her husband forgot to send me the memo, and a month later his wife was in my husband's bed. Had he informed me, my husband would have never visited her site again.

I have to agree with the others, there is much more to this story, and keep in mind cheaters lie, all of them when they are confronted to protected their a$$es and they always MINIMIZE what they did to convince you and themselves what they did wasn't so bad.

Try google searches, linked in, social media, there's information about his wife out there, trust me you will become an expert sleuth after affair discovery.

So sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join. Lot of support here from members who walked through the same hell that you are going through, but know this, you will get through to the other side eventually.

Intimacy leading up to the affair/weekend was about what it had been sporadic, but nothing our of the ordinary.

I have the higher net worth

Second on hiring the PI if you have to.

Telling her does so many things.

She may kick his ass for you.

She may launch her own investigation and tell you more than you know.

She at a minimum will keep an eye on him.

Also your wife needs serious consequences.

She needs to see how destructive this is.

If it is too easy she may do it again or at a minimum start jerking you around.

Tell her to give you the info or don’t bother speaking to her.