SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just want to get this off out of my chest. Thank you whoever reads it.

WH & I had a talk last night. I told him I am having intrusive thoughts and some triggers. A lot of questions again about his A details. Surprisingly enough, it was the first time ever we had a conversation about his A details without getting irritated and we did not end up arguing. It was a "calm" conversation.

I asked him if the OW was special to her and he said "no" but he was a "good friend" and I asked with benefits? He paused and said yeah. He also said that the OW understood him whenever he vent out about how I don't understand him and about how we always fight.

I asked him as well how does it feel like when he was having his A and then he said, it was scary but at the same time it was a "temporary" escape/happiness when he is with his AP. He also said they had good times but he wouldn't do it (cheat) ever again. 🤷‍♀️ (he better not but will see about that 🙄)

He answered my questions and it did help my mind to stop thinking all sorts of scenarios that arent really true. (Not sure though if I believe what he said). 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, Hearing this makes me sad rather than mad now actually. Yes, there is still pain but not excruciating pain like before. Is that normal?

But TBH, yes, it makes me sad hearing like I said but I really don't know how to react or what to feel really at the same time. I just said OK, thank you for answering my questions, he then hugged me and said he is really sorry. I didn't say anything and I just walked out.

[This message edited by KiboGaAru at 3:28 AM, Tuesday, March 12th]

Anyway, Hearing this makes me sad rather than mad now actually. Yes, there is still pain but not excruciating pain like before. Is that normal?

I think a lot of the first year is cycling through the stages of grief. And the stages are not linear, they repeat and come in different order and will continue to oscillate.

However, I think sometimes when your gut is calm it’s your intuition telling you that he said the truth. I think post dday a lot of bs become like human lie detectors. You have a heightened awareness of your mate in some ways. That’s not to say that you could feel falsely at peace or falsely discontented, but the vibe I get from this post is you got a sense of peace that you have the truth.

Enjoy the respite. Sometimes you can stay there once you reach it but being this early out I don’t want to tell you the roller coaster is over.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:09 PM, Monday, March 11th]

Anyway, Hearing this makes me sad rather than mad now actually. Yes, there is still pain but not excruciating pain like before. Is that normal?

Yes, I'd say it's normal. The first few months for me were a whirlwind of huge emotions - all of them - and then things started to settle down. What your H said tracks with how my H experienced the A and the AP, which was painful, but I still appreciated the truth.

Hugs.

Hi Kibo,

I'm not sure whether this what you were experiencing or not, but during the initial informational question asking stages, I often felt a weird sense of relief when I would ask questions and I felt like I was getting real, unfiltered responses. Like it didn't really matter what the actual answer was, in fact I would often feel better if it didn't sound like a minimization type answer, because it felt more real. I valued honesty more than I feared the answers I would get.

It was easy to be mad when I felt he was hiding something. For the outrage actually faded the more I learned.

Totally normal.

If he is being honest with you (and I agree with Emergent that if you felt a sense of calm, there is some honesty happening there. Your gut knows), then he is letting you in to the private world he created for himself and with his AP. Letting you in feels so much better than the walls you've probably thrown yourself at since discovery.

It is step 2 in your recovery (step 1 is ending the affair, contact and helping you feel at least temporarily safe while you get up off the floor and deal with the wreckage).

You will cycle back. The questions will come again. Why? Because he destroyed your trust in him and your brain wants to go over and over it until his answers are consistent and you can truly start to believe. That's normal too.

I'm not suggesting you go over and over it. I'm letting you know that in all likelihood you will because it's normal. As long as he continues to calmly talk to you and tell you the truth, your brain will settle down.

Take the win. Whatever calm you can get right now is a recharge for you. Don't be disappointed or alarmed if the questions resurface.

Thank you all for your replies. 🥹

I'm glad y'all had a calm conversation. Sad that is a thing that needs to be celebrated.

This one thing stood out:

He also said that the OW understood him whenever he vent out about how I don't understand him and about how we always fight. rolleyes

I'm sure she did "understand" him when he vented about how you didn't understand him. She needed to be "understanding" as it kept them "bonded". And I'm sure she waxed poetic about she'd never do [insert what you fought about here]. Kept that A alive.

BUT - think of it as grade school cheating. She had the answers to the test already - he gave them to her. She knew just how to stroke his ego as he'd fed her the information.

Think of it like this.

WH - I hate when my wife uses that scented laundry detergent - the whole house smells like a field of flowers when she's drying them

AP (days later) - I have to run to the store later - remind me to pick up that fragrance free, super softening, organic laundry detergent I like to use

Unspoken message - I would NEVER use a product you didn't like (another bond made under the guise of generic banter)

Not special after all - just common pathetic.

There is a thread called THEY ALWAYS AFFAIR DOWN. It is worth the read. Regularly. I'll try to find it and bump it for you.

ETA - it is in JUST FOUND OUT - I bumped it for you.

[This message edited by Chaos at 4:56 PM, Wednesday, March 13th]

BUT - think of it as grade school cheating. She had the answers to the test already - he gave them to her. She knew just how to stroke his ego as he'd fed her the information.

Bingo. The hallmark of a partner poacher. Undetected by my H in real time, AP was slyly questioning him about his ideal partner and catering to his wants. The woman even dyed her hair red for him. (And bleached it back blonde the day after NC was established.)

Chaos: Thanks for the input.
And yes, I saw that thread and will continue reading it as well.