SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi 👋

How do you all deal with other people’s opinions? I try not to take it to heart when I continually hear / read once a cheater always a cheater, he never really loved you if he did that etc etc, but it is difficult to block it out.

I do find it so disheartening sometimes and it makes me question my decision to stay. It’s bloody hard enough trying to figure out what to do without people making you feel like you’re an idiot or weak.

I always thought I didn’t care about what others think but this is definitely different and something I struggle with. Actually I find this one of my biggest issues with moving forward and I don’t know why or how to change my mindset.

🤦🏽‍♀️

[This message edited by Webbit at 8:54 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Hi, Webbit, I'm on my way out so I'll just be brief, will probably ramble a bit.

Unless someone has experienced infidelity, they will never understand.

Yes, there are some waywards who will cheat again given the opportunity.

There are those who are truly remorseful and want to save the marriage and are willing to move mountains to do so. There's still no guarantee they will remain faithful either.

I thought if my WH ever cheated, I'd be out the door, but I had three children I had to consider, and for the most part (except for the hellish trickle truth), he did almost everything I needed, first dumping OW on D-Day.

Take time to read some of the success stories and some of the divorce stories here.

Please don't listen to the naysayers...if you choose to leave or stay it's because you have given yourself time to figure it out, have done IC to help you navigate, and have done your homework (for instance posting here) reading books, anything to give you knowledge to make an informed choice for you. You can also consult with an attorney just FYI to understand what divorce might look like. It's a huge puzzle and it takes time to put together MOST of the pieces. You have to think with your head as well as your heart.

Have you and your husband read Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair?

People who say things like that have never been in this position. I used to say the same thing - until it happened to me. They have no idea what they would do. They think they do, but they don't. They really don't.

It's actually one of the biggest lessons that I learned: You absolutely have no idea what you will do until you're the one wearing the shoes. In this situation, and in others.

I honestly believe that most people are well-meaning, but this kind of intimate betrayal is just different. It's something that people just don't seem to understand until it's happened to them. It hits us in a very primal way, and is often a traumatic wounding affecting brain chemistry. I shudder to think at all the not-so-helpful advice I gave to friends before it happened to me. It's not that I didn't sympathize. I had all sorts of sympathy. It was true empathy that I lacked, and not for want of trying, but because it's just not something we can wrap our minds around until we experience it ourselves.

What helped me the most was realizing that even though my family and friends wanted to help, they just didn't get it... and then to try to be happy for them that they're still ignorant on this particular subject.

People who say things like that have never been in this position. I used to say the same thing - until it happened to me. They have no idea what they would do. They think they do, but they don't. They really don't.

It's actually one of the biggest lessons that I learned: You absolutely have no idea what you will do until you're the one wearing the shoes. In this situation, and in others.

I concur with SS here. I will add that mindset has flowed over into other non-infidelity related issues. I find myself to be much less judgmental than I used to. And, that is my normal response when someone asks me about my decision re WH.

Gently,

Nobody can make you feel. That’s what’s helped me most. Understanding that the person that’s really delivering all of those messages to me and causing me hurt by those messages is me. I’m not only accepting others saying these things, I’m empowering their words to ring true to me, and I’m saying those same words to myself, too.

Each and every time I felt injured by what someone else said, I found that beneath it, I was saying it too, to myself. That always hurt most of all.

We can only control ourselves of course, so if someone is prone to saying hurtful crap I don’t want to hear then maybe they don’t get to know about it, or maybe I remove myself from them, or maybe I tell them I don’t care to hear their opinion, or I disengage somehow entirely. I learn to only speak to and involve myself with people that don’t want to judge and criticize my decisions and bring me down.

If their real concern is your well-being by staying with someone that’s caused you hurt in the past, well, there are still boundaries and still kinder ways to show up for you. They could do so by reminding you of how great you are and validating you and hearing you and not crossing that line. The people that can’t do that can exit.

But again, deep down, the hardest thing to overcome is believing for your own self the messages that others say to you outloud. Once you clear that message with you, then other people saying it no longer holds any power over you. It rolls right off.

[This message edited by maise at 11:07 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]