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Divorce/Separation :
Five years after D-Day - update

Topic is Sleeping.
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

This site was a lifesaver for me in the early day of learning of my ex's infidelity. D-Day is today. It's been five years. What a difference since the first year, and the second and so on. So how did it turn out for me? First hint should be my "ex's" infidelity. I tried to make it work for 18 months after D-Day but he was one of those who continued to blame me and was not doing anything to change so he wouldn't do this again. He expected me to change. I was all set to see the attorney and my son had a mental health crisis. I had to postpone as I couldn't add his parents' divorce to all the issues he was dealing with. I waited another year and filed with no warning to my ex. He didn't speak to me for three days. He made the process as difficult as possible. He refused to move out of my house and only did so when the signed divorce settlement papers said he had to, which was 4 1/2 years after D-Day. Living with an unremorseful, self-righteous cheater all that time was torture. When he moved out, he took our 18 year old son and my dog with him. I am now dealing with parental alienation if any of you are familiar. I've been in my home by myself about six months now. It is so peaceful!!! I got a job and have been fixing up the house as he left it a mess and in disrepair. I've found that I actually have friends that want to spend time with me (he had discouraged that while he was here). I've been seeing a therapist first to deal with my ex's infidelity and the aftermath, and now for dealing with the parental alienation (two different therapists). I've learned so much about myself and why I made the choices I've made, and that I am stronger than I ever thought possible out of necessity more than anything else. This has been a year of firsts since he moved out. Since his infidelity, holidays and special occasions and even everyday life was different and difficult, and now it's changed again. But I've been through my first birthday, Thanksgiving, Halloween Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day on my own. It hasn't always been easy and sometimes I long for how I *thought* things were, but looking back they were never as I remember. With clear eyes I now see how he never treated me well and his infidelity was just the culmination of unacceptable behavior. There are still adjustments to make and it's not always easy but it is so much better than when I was married to him. I at least have the opportunity for happiness now whether it is on my own or with a partner. I've had to learn to accept the past and everything that is out of my control and try to focus on myself and what I can do. I am trying to make good choices and use what I've learned to make the most of my second chance.

It was a scary step to take, especially financially, but even that is turning out ok. The support I've received from friends and family has been much more than I could have imagined. I hope anyone who believes divorce is the right thing to do for them but is anxious about taking that step will see there will be a lot of positives by doing so and for me, they outweigh the negatives. Peace is invaluable.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8825494
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

Great update I could have written what you wrote verbatim, from the unremorseful WS to Parental Alienation.

It hasn't always been easy and sometimes I long for how I *thought* things were, but looking back they were never as I remember. With clear eyes I now see how he never treated me well and his infidelity was just the culmination of unacceptable behavior.

I really identified with the above. Anytime I felt like I had done my kids wrong by the D and as my xWS says "breaking up the family" I have always had to take a look at the M as a whole. I was not being treated well the entire M and my xWS's behavior was unacceptable. There was nothing to hold onto really nothing to look back at fondly.

The positives of leaving and D are never ending. So much I have gained since leaving. All my fears about D never came true (except for the alienation that one gave me a gut punch). Overall life is happier and peaceful.

Glad to read such a positive update. Thank you for sharing :)

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8825496
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 9:02 PM on Sunday, February 25th, 2024

crazyblindsided, the alienation is just heartbreaking. And not only for me, but for my son and he doesn't even see it happening. You know the exWS is truly awful when they let issues in the marital relationship interfere with the children. It confirms I made the right decision for myself and my health, but I am at a loss on how to help my son. I will never stop trying though.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8826074
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:09 AM on Monday, February 26th, 2024

BTA, thanks for the update. I am glad you are thriving in your new life. I too see my history with such a different lens now and realize how lopsided and unhappy it was. My own growth has been such a gift since D — I really like who i am now. I also "discovered" so many friends. They were there all along, but my XWH made it difficult to spend time with them. Another silver lining.

As for your son, I am so sorry. Remember he is 18 … and his brain is not fully formed. He’s still growing and learning, and I am sure time will make things clearer for him, too. That must really hurt, so sending you a big virtual (((hug))).

Sounds like you picked the perfect user name :-). And that makes me very happy.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8826090
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IDeservedBetter ( new member #84474) posted at 1:49 PM on Tuesday, March 5th, 2024

Congrats and go you! I needed to read this as I am just starting on my journey.

STBXH is a SA. DDAY 2009, 1/14 I got the "I don't love you anymore" talk, dday 2/2/2024, divorcing.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2024   ·   location: GA
id 8827322
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 11:46 PM on Tuesday, March 5th, 2024

Bearly Breathing, it is amazing how all of the heartache and troubles seem so long ago. Our lives are so different and so much better. Definitely worth the trouble. My XWH made things as difficult as possible while the divorce was pending and sometimes it seemed it would never improve. But so much better now. It is so easy to see now that I would have never been happy or fulfilled if I had stayed married to him. Thanks for the hugs!

IDeservedBetter - yes you did. And I know this process is really difficult but you will have better when it is done. Whether you decided to stay single or share your life with someone else, it will be a better life than you are leaving behind. It may get worse before it gets better but stay strong - it is peaceful on this side and you will get there. Best of luck to you during this process.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8827415
Topic is Sleeping.
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