SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there haven’t been in here for so long having a bad day so here I am again. Read your post and hell I’m dealing with a lot of stuff but to have your kids involved has a tear in my eye (bloody counciling) I haven’t read all the replies but I thought just got to say stay strong and thinking of you and your son. I know you must be dealing with a lot I really don’t have any constructive advice or words apart from just be there which I’m sure you are. And also what a strong son to hold all that and then let it out you must be proud!!!! All the best !

I just want to say I honor you for your strength. Like your son, I was abused by my father and later stepfather and had to internalize so much because my mom was too wrapped up in her own needs. When she finally was confronted decades later we got much the same kind of response you are getting. All about how naive and unknowing and oblivious etc she was at the time. That really didn’t help us.

My siblings and I are old enough to be your parents and when we get together we still talk about how messed up it was. It never leaves.

The difference is that we never had a guy like you. I pray your children will not have to carry this with them. You are a saint for realizing what needs to be done. Keep it up. And if you yourself aren’t talking to someone about this horrible situation at least consider it. Caregiver fatigue is very real and can lead to depression.

Finally, it will make me feel a little better to say that I wish someone would give your wife a good swift kick. Metaphorically speaking of course.

I do sincerely appreciate everyone here. I have many good friends but they just don’t understand what I’m going through, and of course they don’t because they haven’t been here. How do you say "My wife’s boyfriend abused my son"? to someone who hasn’t been through this? What a joke.

It’s been a really rough week, a lot of ugly stuff came out to WW, and now, maybe she actually sees just how much damage she did to me. She does take full responsibility for what has happened to our kids, and I do believe she got the kick to the face to make her understand how far and wide the impact of her actions have on our family. She hasn’t blamed me, she hasn’t hidden. She has had painful talks with our son, and didn’t make any excuses, and allowed him to feel what he felt. I do understand that this could all be an act, and that she is just covering her ass, but for now I can’t live like that. I can’t continue with constant suffering or feeling like I have to be a warden, and I do know that time will tell and I will have the real answer eventually. I will wait and see if she’s consistent, and will make a decision if something changes. For now, the focus is kids, and slowly repairing the extreme damage to the marriage.

Of course the kids all talk to each other, and they are all upset that they didn’t know and couldn’t help my son, which is heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. I don’t know who all knows the truth of everything, but I am sure it’s only a matter of when not if.

Normally, if a BS was in a constant state of suffering and emotional exhaustion as you are, I would say take a break, maybe get a hotel room for a couple nights just to get some space. But given your circumstances, I can see why you wouldn't want to let your cubs out of your sight.

Do you think some space from your wife would be helpful? Would it be possible for you and the kids to get away for the weekend? Or for your wife to stay at a friend or family member's house?

BLB,

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support. One good thing is that we moved shortly before dday 2, and far as I know, AP knows the town, but doesn’t know our location, but even if he did, he can’t come into our area without me knowing due to things I have in place. We are about 5 hours away from where everything happened so it would take some serious dedication from AP to find us. Not impossible by any means, just much more difficult. So I do feel safe, as do my kids with our situation. AP has tried to contact virtually, but from what I can gather, he hasn’t had the courage to try in person. Lord help him if he does.

That being said, I need to be here for my family. If I just upped and left even for a day or two, it would hurt then and they have been through enough. And honestly, due to my work I’ve been gone a lot and I don’t want to be away from them anymore. WW and I are slowly repairing. I’m ok with it for now. I’d rather be here with the kids than alone in a hotel. Things get worse and I need to make an exit i will. One day at a time

For now, the focus is kids, and slowly repairing the extreme damage to the marriage.

Hey, just don’t forget about yourself. It totally makes sense not wanting to leave your kids’ presence. I’m just a little surprised that you are talking about repairing the M right now. You do you, of course, always your right. I only recommend not stretching yourself so thin with the incredibly difficult M efforts that you come to a point where you don’t have enough in the tank to heal yourself and be there for the kids. Only you can say where that point is.

Thank you for your kind words, HINHF :-)

My concern wasn’t that AP would show up; I was speaking specifically about how you wouldn’t want to be a part from them for any amount of time given the crisis situation now and the fact that you had been away for so long.

That’s why I suggested going somewhere with them or asking your wife to go somewhere for a day or two. I think you need to recharge your battery and get some time, space, and clarity without the source of your trauma in your face constantly. And I also think it would be good for your wife to be alone and reflect on what she’s done to you and her children.

Like InkHulk, I don’t think repairing your marriage should be your first or even your second focus at the moment. Priority #1 is the kids, which you are doing, but you also need to care for yourself. You have been through trauma too, and are clearly in pain and emotionally exhausted.

Your wife has burned your house down. You’re tending to your kids’ burns and getting them to shelter, but you need to tend to your own wounds and take cover from the storm, too.

Maybe you’ll want to rebuild the house with her or maybe you’ll decide you’re better off elsewhere. But that’s not a decision you can— or should— make at this moment.

Quick check in: how are you holding up?

Ink,

I’m hanging in. Been focusing on my kids, and dealing with the ugly stuff. Just taking it slow and keeping myself busy and focused.

Just know we are all pulling for you here. You’ve got a small army of people way too familiar with pain rooting you on from a distance. You got this.

I really appreciate it Ink. I’m doing ok really. After this large emotional bombshell things are settling. My son while hurt has had a huge weight lifted off him and is doing better now. WW hasn’t deflected and while keeping it age appropriate, has been forthcoming with him when he asks hard questions. She hasn’t blamed me at all, and said it was her fault that this happened. So, time will tell. For now I don’t think I can ask much more of her.

Seems past time someone checked in with you. How are you doing? How are the kids?

I have to admit this thread made me so angry for your son and for you and the other children.

I think over half of this wonderful SI community would join me if we could get AP in a dark alley and just whip his sorry A** until he screams like a little girl. As an attorney I have to ask if you have thought of pressing charges against the sorry SOB?

You are doing a great job and I'm happy your son is getting better.

Never be reluctant to vent here, it's a very safe place.

Sorry I’ve been dark lately, a lot of good things and busy stuff has been happening and I just haven’t had much free time. Been keeping off SI as well, just this time of year is some of the worst of A season, and SI posts don’t always make it easier.

Jeainegirl-

Trust me, I’m the first one who wants POSAP suffer, he is such a dirty weasel. During the A, (before I knew what was really going on), he had the audacity to cry about his ex in front of me like he was the victim (she left him because she discovered the A). I’ve accepted that if the zombie apocalypse happens, I know my first stop. I’ve taken the proper action against him, but not much can be done. I doubt anything will come out of it, but if nothing else I hope he knows he has been exposed for the worthless garbage he is. Not that he would actually do anything with it. I am content that his punishment is he has to be himself. Doubt he will ever have kids thank god, and he will end up alone. Maybe he has the fear that someone actually knows who he really is and that will keep him out of my life forever more. I appreciate the support.

Ink-

We are all doing ok. Have bad days, and still have intense days, but it’s getting better. They all feel safe between being told honest answers and their amazing IC. WW is owning her role and won’t deflect or defend herself when she is confronted, especially from my son. He still has a long journey, but he is getting support and knows that he is validated. What comes out of it remains to be seen, but both WW and son are working on repairing their relationship, and she is doing the very best she can.

I’d ask how you are doing, but it’s very clear it’s an absolute struggle for you. I am a devout Christian believe it or not and I have prayed for you to find the path that helps you and your family. I don’t have any advice for you, just hope you find whatever it is you need and get through it

I’m glad to hear things are at least stable for you, with some improvement.

I’d ask how you are doing, but it’s very clear it’s an absolute struggle for you.

Dumpster fire city here, it’s true. For what it’s worth, a good nights sleep, some solid processing with wise friends, and some exercise have my head back to clear today.

I am a devout Christian believe it or not and I have prayed for you to find the path that helps you and your family.

Pal, I cuss way the fuck more than you ever do on here I have no reason to doubt you on that, and I appreciate your prayers.