SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You said you last had contact with AP three weeks ago… Are you still in a PA and if so, how recently

I'm still NC with AP, there has been no PA since dday.

What were you hoping for when you started this thread? You know what you wanted, even though you may be telling yourself that you don't.

What do you want to change

I guess that i just wanted to hear the experiences of others who have been in a similar position. Why am I so conflicted and torn, when all i really wanted was a life with my AP. Has the reaction of your BS made you reconsider everything?

Tell your wife the truth.

I know that she deserves this much from me, but I am finding it so hard to be completely honest because I fear how damaging that will be for her. I have attempted to leave on a number of occasions, at her behest, and I just couldn't follow through because of the state she was in.It broke me seeing what it was doing to her. So I stay, and things are ok for a few days and then we start raking over everything and it becomes toxic once again.

I guess my question to those who have been in a similar situation is will this darkness eventually fade. I'm 8 weeks on meds and though less panicky, the sadness and loss for my AP remains as acute as ever.

It took me 6-8 months. spending time together was hard for a while longer.

I think it’s not helpful to think in absolutes. You said "it will never be the same again" and there is no way you can know that anymore than you could know what the marriage would have been had you spent the last decade focusing on your marriage rather than your bubble fantasy world.

I personally think the moment you choose your AP you will then oscillate back to missing your wife. You have been having the benefits of both women for a decade. You feel it more acutely with the ap because she is the one whose benefits you are not receiving at the moment.

What does your therapist say?

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:09 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

I don't know If you read my thread but I understand how you feel. In no contact for almost a month now.

But there're some differences between you and me:

-No DD for me (planning on telling her the whole thing...). We agreed to stop after she wants me exclusively

-I wouldn't want to live with anyone else other than my wife. Yes, she's that good.

The love, the feelings for both is totally diff. You know what I'm talking about.

I'm just taking it 1 day at a time, some day is better than other. You're in a tough spot rightnow, especially if you know how your wife will be if you leave.

[This message edited by Onebrokenman at 4:28 AM, Friday, February 23rd]

LeperMessiah,

I have a dear friend who was literally in the same position as you just last year. I’ve known him and his wife for many, many years. I’m not sure if this will help you, but here is what changed for him.

We tend to focus on "happiness". Do you know happiness is fleeting? We are not promised happiness. And happiness is not something we will ever feel each moment of our day. It comes and goes. Do you know why you feel happy with your AP? Because you don’t have the ins and outs of grueling life with your AP. The times you are with her you feel elated and happy. Of course you do. Life is what you do with your wife. A vacation is what you do with your AP. It’s hard to reconcile that reality while you’re in the midst of it.

So here’s what my friend realized and it’s exactly what you’re battling. Do you know why you haven’t left your wife? Because you know that true commitment comes in form of the person you chose to do life with, the person that will stand by you come hell or high water. If you battle cancer, dementia, loss of bodily functions, your wife will be the person who goes through the battle with you. You know that. It’s not your AP. She will flee. For that you can be certain.

So he realized that butterflies leave, but true love and commitment will be the person who changes your adult diaper when you reach that phase of life. He stayed and they are fighting to find a "new marriage". The one they had is destroyed. You have to accept that and build a new marriage. But who will be the one who never leaves you? If your AP left you right now, would you be on the doorstep of your home needing the comfort and security of your wife’s arms? I assure you that is exactly where you would be. Begging for your wife to take you back because you know she ultimately had your back the entire time.

I am not about telling anyone what to do. I assure you I’ve had my fair share of moments I’ve had to go through myself. But I’ll give you the same advice I gave my friend. Look forward 10 years and who do you see standing by your side and taking care of you when it’s needed? Look at your family and see if destroying those you’ve made a life with is worth it. When you’re 75, retired, and your grandkids are running around, who do you see yourself sharing those moments with? You can build your marriage again, you just have to decide what life you ultimately want in the end.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by Hutch at 3:37 PM, Friday, February 23rd]