Completely and utterly lost

Hi, first post, but SI has been my refuge in many respects these past 8 months.I have learned so much, and my journey from DDay to this point has been foretold almost, in many of the posts that I have read.
I'm the WH, 51, married 24 years to my childhood sweetheart of the same age, 3 adult kids neither of whom live with us, nice home, nice life, everthing anyone could possibly ask for. I had an EA initially over a period of 5 years, and this turned into a full PA latterly for a period of 3 years.AP is 11 years younger, unmarried with no family.Dday was 8 months ago after my BS discovered messages on my cell phone.To say I have destroyed everything would be putting it mildly. Everything still feels very hopeless for me.I am on medication, unable to sleep, and no longer feel any joy in life.My quandry is that i am in love with my AP, and she feels the same way. But i have remained in the family home, for the sake of my BS, because i cannot bare to see the pain she is going through,and leaving her while she is like this is really hard for me to do. We have separated a number of times over the last 8 months,but only for a couple of weeks, and i find myself being pulled back, out of a sense of duty and just anxiety that she isn't coping on her own. My BS was a SAHM and has only ever worked part time.I have been the main breadwinner throughout the marriage. This more than anything bothers me, as although i'd be happy to leave her the home (mortgage free)and half my earnings, it still wouldn't give her the life she has become accustomed to. I still love her and have a strong sense of duty to her as the mother of my children. My BS wants reconcilliation and has tried everything to help me, but my feelings aren't what they were. I am unable to show any intimacy to her, something she craves, but i cannot bring myself to touch her. She's more like my best friend these days.I just no longer have the desire. I am constantly thinking about my AP and long to be with her again. I understand that the offer of a second chance is a gift, but as much as I try to fight my feelings, i just cannot. I am so conflicted. Do I try and continue to live like this forever, to please others, or do I try to make myself happy, as selfish as that may sound and feel.I have nobody I can speak to about what I'm going through, but if I get one reply then at least I know it's from someone who understands and speaks from the heart.

65 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024