SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone,

I’m about 4 months post DDay … I did some digging recently and was able to locate and confirm who the other betrayed spouse is (on FB). The right thing to do would be to tell him (I know I would want to be informed if the shoe was on the other foot). I’ve been told by my WH that the OBS was aware of what was going on and didn’t care (my WH told me that that is what she told him .. my WH did mention to me that he can’t 100 percent verify if that’s the truth from her and that there is the possibility that her spouse doesn’t know). Apparently, the OW and her spouse are only together for the "kids" and that she is continually pushing her husband to sleep with other people (again, this is apparently what she told my WH)

Maybe this is true, maybe it isn’t. Apart of me wants to leave it because I can’t handle anymore stress right now and also my emotions aren’t as heightened as they were 4 months ago and opening up this can of worms is going to put me over the edge, but then what if he has no clue what went on … he has to know!!! What do I do, how do I go about navigating this?!

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 7:32 PM, Thursday, January 25th]

Hey, Heartbroken

You are right about the other person probably wanting to know. At least, I know that I would want to know.

For starters, keep in mind that your husband may not be telling you the truth about the OBS, especially if the affair is now underground. Not saying it is, but not saying it's not. And if he is telling you what the OW said, then I doubt the OW is telling the truth.

That said, I would not tell WH that you are going to craft a message to the OBS and send some proof that you have. Be gentle. Tell him how hard this must be, and that you wrestled with it for some time, but ultimately decided he deserved to know.

Hugs to you.

I’ve been told by my WH that the OBS was aware of what was going on and didn’t care (my WH told me that that is what she told him .. my WH did mention to me that he can’t 100 percent verify if that’s the truth from her and that there is the possibility that her spouse doesn’t know). Apparently, the OW and her spouse are only together for the "kids" and that she is continually pushing her husband to sleep with other people (again, this is apparently what she told my WH) look

This struck home for me. One of my WWs APs told her he was in an open marriage and his wife had her own boyfriend. He said she knew about my wife and was fine with it. She actually believed him even after all this blew up. It was one of my pain points that she could still believe he was being honest even knowing how much cheaters lie. It was one of my read for contacting the OBS. Yeah, none of it was true. She was absolutely as innocent and unaware as I was. She had already divorced him but confronted him and he continued to lie to her. It is a tactic to preempt any checking or confirming. 99% sure it is not true give or take rounding errors.

I’ve been told by my WH that the OBS was aware of what was going on and didn’t care

Sure. She's either covering her ass or (worse) he is covering her ass.

You know what the right thing to do is. If their marriage is truly open, letting him know wont hurt him (he's be like "okay, cool". If she's lying (and cheaters tend to lie), you'll be doing him an ENOURMOUS favour. Like you said, YOU would know.

I told the OBS on D-day - within hours of finding out myself. Before my husband had a chance to tip off the OW and before they had a chance to 'get their stories straight". It was the BEST thing I did. OBS and I were able to compare stories and discover what was being "held back" to "protect us" - AP tried to pull the "oh but we didn't have sex" card, and I was able to tell him that "yep, they did. In OBS/AP's apartment. When my husband and AP realized that there was no loyalty amongst them, they started throwing one another under the bus in an effort to be seen as the "more honest" of the two. As a result, I think I got WAY more honesty than most BS's get right from the get-go. Trickle truth is one of the more excruciating damaging this that happens after D-day and I all but eliminated it. It also meant that whatever unicorn/magical fairytale bullshit that had existed between my husband and A during the A, was completely washed away and they very quickly saw each other for what they really were.

Telling OBS also meant that there were two sets of eyes watching things as we went forward. My husband and his Ap were coworkers and OBS and I were able to coordinate over the following month to ensure they would not see one another. I let him know when his wife attempted to break no contact by approaching my husband in the lunch room and I imagine that this was pretty embarassing to AP (good!). She got the picture though that no contact meant NO contact. She left him alone after that.

So yeah, I'm absolutely of the mind that you should tell - as soon as possible (before AP gets on her spouse's facebook and blocks you). My guess is that despite what he's told you, your husband has already tipped off AP and so she may be ready for this. When you tell OBS - do not tell your husband you are going to do so first - she will try to intercept. If you are able to tell him in person or over the phone that is preferable as you will know he got the message (I imagine a lot of APs delete). Do not do it anonymously - no reasonable person is going to believe the words of an anonymous stranger over the word of their spouse. Be kind and to the point, offer proof if you have any. Offer to let him call you back if he has questions. You will likely be delivering him some of the worst information of his life, but he will thank you.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 6:35 PM, Friday, January 26th]

I agree 100% with emergent8.

Contacting the other spouse was one of the best things I did. I too had been led to believe that she was aware of their relationship, and that the other couple was already in marriage counseling. They may have been in counseling, but she had no idea about their affair. She and I agreed to have an open line of communication & to share any new information we gained, and our spouses had nowhere to hide.

BTW - I tracked down her work email, and contacted her that way. I told her I'd been led to believe she was already aware, and apologized if I was breaking the news, but by putting myself in her shoes I had to contact her. She replied immediately, confronted her husband that night, and then called me the next day.

Some people hold back because revenge has to be acknowledged as part of their motivation. Others hold back because they think they'd be ruining OBS's and ap's M. I'm glad you're deciding to overcome those and other objections.

There's no way to guarantee OBS gets your message without a personal interaction to speak and to hand over evidence, if you have some. Can you set up a meeting? Email USP mail are methods with more risk of the wrong person receiving it.

There's a signature-required feature available via the USPS. If the WS intercepts the mail carrier and insists OBS isn't available, I don't know how it gets delivered.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:10 AM, Saturday, January 27th]

There is plenty of sage advice here.

You aren't breaking the AP's marriage to his wife. He already did that.

As someone who was cheated on for over 10 years, I would have LOVED for any one of WH's coworkers to tell me. They would have saved me years of my life that I will never get back.

Tell him.

No brainer let him know supposedly he already does so what is the harm. Unless he does not know or he does not know you do not know. Either it shows him the type of woman he is married to and the type of man you are "currently" married to.

[This message edited by lparistotle at 1:13 AM, Sunday, January 28th]

Heartbroken,

Either way you win.

If the OW is telling the truth then the OWH is an observer and accomplice to this affair and should suffer exposure and other consequences as you choose, just like the OW. You've confirmed that fact.

If the OW is lying then you are doing the OWH a favor and possibly saving OWH from a horrible STD.

Another lie cheaters tell is that they are abused by their spouses often a complete lie, or the "abuse" is just a reaction to the hell of living with a serial cheater.

[This message edited by survrus at 1:37 AM, Sunday, January 28th]

I thought we were trying to improve our marriage. My husband had told the ap that our marriage was over and I was aware it was over. That he was only here because I may hurt myself otherwise. I was in a bad place because I was living with a liar. I asked him several times if he was cheating. The MC asked him several times if he was cheating. He denied it. So I was mentally unwell but that’s because of his abusive behaviour. I eventually had a break down.

So if a story doesn’t make sense it’s because part of it is missing!

And what was missing was a person shaped hole in the story.

Now I still don’t know if this person was a romance scammer (very long distance, voice memos but no photos, no video calls as apparently too shy ). I personally think she was. I actually hope she wasn’t real as if she was she really was a loser. Her blurry online pic looked attractive but her voice memos were drippy. Her texts were hilariously bad. Accent was foreign. But Surely she could do better than a cheater on another continent who lied about his marriage (wearing his ring) and who span a tale as old as time. Least a boiler room scammer would have had a laugh at the messages.

My husband was apparently tee-total too
A perfect specimen apparently with a nasty wife doing his best for the kiddies

So cheaters lie. Tell him. Try and find a way that it won’t be intercepted and don’t warn your spouse.

So if a story doesn’t make sense it’s because part of it is missing!

I had to learn this...

Ambiguity, vagueness, childlike responses, contradictions etc are intentional to hide things, to muddy the water so to speak.

I implicitly trusted her. She always got the benefit of the doubt. Always.

I'm shocked at my naivety when it came to her (there is a thread about the WS in the bathroom, that was her too).

Experienced. Knowledgeable. Much smarter. Wiser. I'm now cautious, aware, but not paranoid.

Today, if something doesn't make sense, they get one chance to explain. If it doesn't square... have a coke and smile.

My only expectation today... don't lie, don't be deceitful, don't be dishonest. It's nonnegotiable.

[This message edited by Apollos at 4:19 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

Heartbroken
Thank you for doing the right thing.
It takes courage to reach out to the OBS. It will cost you emotional pain and stress but I believe it is the right thing to do.
Think about how you would feel in one year, two years, etc if you didn’t inform the OBS. Will you have any regrets?
Also, if the OBS doesn’t know about the affair, there is a good chance it will continue.