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Asking for advice on how to not be complacent. By this I mean when things are "good" (by this I mean my BS is internalizing her pain and choosing to not at that moment outwardly express her pain and anger), how do I not take for granted that my BS is still in horrible pain, angry, hurt, sad, depressed because of my actions? I put "good" in quotes because that is the way my dumb ass perceives it..."we are getting along and not fighting and doing things together so things are good!" But every time I chose to think this way I completely minimize her and her pain, and hurt her more.

What do all of you do to keep from being complacent and minimizing your BS?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 8:32 PM, Wednesday, January 15th]

I think it's definitely fairly common, my bs and I could have a glorious week but then the moment she starts to struggle I collapse and become a dick and compare myself to a microwave..... check out my insight required thread!!

Best thing to do is keep checking in though, keep asking if they are ok and dont get defensive and silly. We just need to accept this is going to be hard for a long time if not forever and just stand beside them when they need us....all sounds simple and yet I'm often doing the opp of those things!!

This isnt easy and I wish you all the luck in the world

I know that it sounds counterintuitive, because the whole point is to take accountability, but I wonder if it would help to take yourself out of the equation when your BS has triggers (or even when they're apparently doing ok). How would you react if the event that was upsetting them had nothing to do with you? Would you still be angry, impatient, etc, or would you be able to show empathy and comfort them? If they were (for example) grieving a loss of a parent or friend, would you avoid the topic, or would you be able to think proactively about their pain and help them bring it up to the surface?

Note that the answer to the question above might still be "no," in which case, you have an even more fundamental level of work to do. If it's not guilt that's blocking you from being able to connect to them in times of grief, what is? Do you tend to flip an internal switch whenever your partner needs something emotional from you? Is that true of other relationships in your life?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:13 PM, Sunday, January 21st]

BraveSirRobin,

I am not an empathic person - something i need to work on and develop to have more emotional intelligence and range. When she is upset about something other than me or my actions that have hurt her, I am not sure that I show empathy well and am supportive of her, but I definitely don't get defensive, minimize, and justify like I do when I am the focus of her distress. Not sure if I am answering your question right, or understanding it. Your questions however are helping me see that my lack of empathy is a big problem here...I should be having empathy and understanding of her pain even when things are "good."

It is definitely guild, shame and a feeling of helplessness that makes me selfishly not connect with her on an emotional level when confronting her pain caused by me. And yes, I think I avoid emotions and "flip a switch" when i feel overwhelmed by them, and that is true of all relationships. How do I not flip the switch, run like a cowardly child from emotion, and instead be there for her to face what I have done and her pain no matter what the expressed mood is?

My husband sent me a quote (yes, he has had to drag me through a lot of the work I should have been and should be doing myself) from a book he read:

Initiate Discussion About the Injury
Each time you bring up the violation, you let the hurt party know that it's on your mind, too--that she's not alone with it. When you demonstrate that you won't forget what you did and will continue to be mindful of its lessons, you help release her from her preoccupation with the injury. I often say, If you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will.

Bump per OP request.

Update for any wayward spouse who thought time or magic makes things better while you coast and don't do the work...they don't.

Your betrayed spouse is always feeling the pain from your choices and actions, and always one trigger away from reliving everything you put them through. No mater how they are outwardly feeling or acting what you did did not go away and is still there and needs to be addressed by you first.

- You can't wait for them to bring it up.
- You can't wait for the trigger and be reactionary.
- You can't "get lost in a moment" and forget who and what you are and what you have done to them.

- You can plan ahead to address triggers you know are coming (event's, places, holidays, etc.)
- You can say something first when a trigger occurs and acknowledge what you have done and their pain.
- You can be in the moment- for them, focused on them and their well being knowing that the hurt and damage is always there.

Or...you can be like me who, a year after making this post and reading the kind responses, still being a selfish child thinking all this, that YOU are responsible for, ever just goes away and things are "fine."

Don't be like me.

Wants to repair-
What stands out in this thread and. Lot of your threads is you are focused on your wife’s responses and always in a reactive mode.

The best path forward is working on oneself. The changes you need to make is a proactive way of dealing with it. By doing the work, your perspective changes and how you think and behave changes. You become so much more proactive rather than being avoidant and waiting for each bomb.

What are you doing in this way?

Nothing...and that is the problem. Trying to acknowledge my childish head in the sand behavior and choices to focus on me and not her and be reactive, and with that focus on that reality as a major thing I need to change. I need to actually DO what I posted...

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 3:38 PM, Wednesday, January 15th]

I think change is most natural when we want to change for ourselves and not a relationship.

I think the longer you have disappointed your spouse the more shame you feel and the more frozen you become.

It takes courage to see you are worthy of change and that it’s okay to see yourself as inherently worthy and devinely loved. You have a soul that loves you deeply. You have an inner child that craves you to love them deeply. By learning to do that the courage will come, the shame levels will drop, and you will be able to venture out of your deep avoidance that is keeping you stuck.

I believe in you. You can do this. I love the book "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. He helped me connect with those concepts and it’s allowed me to grow and grow. Keep posting I will watch for you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:47 PM, Wednesday, January 15th]

Thanks for bumping this. I am also still very conflict avoidant and trying to change. I know it's important to work on myself because of this, but I also know I can retreat into "working on myself" as a way to not address things as a couple, and I don't want to do this either.

Working on yourself is about introspection, sure. But it’s a lot about practicing.

So what I did was pick something (like avoidance) and I would focus on ways to be less avoidant. The more you practice the better you are at it.

And guess what? It’s not as scary as it sounds.

It just requires going inside and coming up with ways to diplomatically deal with conflict. I would read about it as well, but the way I got better was to be clear about what I want and be able to express it.

I tend to think people are avoidant because they learns that as a coping mechanism during an earlier time in their life, often it’s childhood. So what you have to do is mindfully stay in your power. Do not give it away by giving up or retreating.

I would avoid more than conflict. If someone was having a hard time, like a death in the family, I was afraid to say the wrong thing.

And I think it’s helpful to know one of the most important parts of communication is listening to understand. So when you don’t know what to say, listen, ask questions and try and really understand where the other person is coming from.

Also anchor yourself in knowing just because they are upset, is not a statement about your worth. Set an intention to stay calm. Don’t worry about coming up with solutions just be with them. If they are yelling, it’s okay to have boundaries and ask to take a break until they can be calm again.

I know I recommend this book all the time but honestly the book that helped me with avoidance and building connection the most is Rishing Strong by Brene Brown. You will learn that by staying vulnerable, and being mindful of shame, it often will diffuse the difficult situation.

So don’t use introspection and reading only, practicing is the most crucial part of the work. If you are doing it right you can’t use it to avoid.

Thanks. This is helpful. I am trying to practice. Another trap I get stuck in is feeling like I want kudos from him for not being avoidant--like I shouldn't have to face his anger or upset since I didn't run away from it on a certain day, which is obviously ridiculous. Like I can be proud of myself for that progress, but can't expect kudos from him for the bare minimum of decency, you know?

Yes, very true.
However, you can celebrate your own accomplishments. And you should. What you are doing is hard work and while it’s human decency/bare minimum for him,

It may seem counterintuitive but self compassion is needed in order not to avoid. This has to be balanced with accountability, but even bare minimum stuff for someone else is a skill you didn’t have and one that practice will inevitably bring its share of successes and failures. Resilience is something to build, there is a lot of information out there about building new neural pathways to build resilience. This can help you inch towards a more secure attachment style and help greatly with avoidance.

So don’t use his measurement stick when thinking about your own progress. I know it hurts you a lot to disappoint him but for you to go where you are trying to go you also have to be aware of your progress and continue to build on it.

Part of becoming whole is based on autonomy, and that actually helps you stay present and less avoidant. He doesn’t need to understand all that, but if you do you can build on your successes. As he heals he may be more receptive to seeing wn acknowledging it.