SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been married 23 years - 24 in May. Together 25 years in April. He was my only boyfriend ever.

I am about 2 weeks from discovering my husbands affair. I found messages going back about 4 months and probably would’ve believed him if he said it was just months and only messages. He told me it had been physical and it had been going on 5 years.

By poring over the messages and taking bits and pieces of what was said I know it’s more like 9 years. I now know she’s been *in* my home several times.

My husband had to drive 2 hours away a lot to care for his mom. OW lives at the halfway point. And he would always tell me he stops in that city for a bathroom break. Sometimes a quick nap - which I now assume should be ‘nap.’

He took her on a business trip. He booked a hotel for every birthday. While I felt like an afterthought every birthday and holiday. This year he got me nothing for my birthday. I was hurt but didn’t let it show because we were paying for a big trip. Which happened *days* after I found out.

We went to the happiest place on earth as chaperones for our sons band.

I am in contact with OW and she’s been very forthcoming with information. She has unfriended and blocked him. Apparently in this 10 year relationship they never exchanged phone numbers.

I’ve found evidence of ‘flirting’ and skirting the line of emotional cheating in the past. Probably even while he was seeing her. We even did individual annd marriage counseling ant one point which would have been anbout 2 years into the anffair.

And I really *want* to save our marriage. But most days I just can’t see how that will happen.

I feel like the last 10 years of our marriage was all a lie. And had I known when it started I would never have moved to this state. We moved for a job. But I had a fantastic support system in our old area - all friends, but closer in distance to family than we are now.
We’ve both had STD testing. I have counseling tomorrow. He has counseling in Feb. I have given him 4 things he has to do - basically to prove he cares enough to work on this:

STD testing ✔️
Schedule individual counseling ✔️
Schedule marriage counseling ….
Find someone to tell because I didn’t create this burden and it shouldn’t only be mine to say out loud ….

And on that last note we have a pastor in the area that we both *really* like who has been very open about his infidelity and what it did to his family *and* their reconciliation. I know he would talk to husband. I know if I reach out he will talk to husband - but that defeats the purpose? Right?

I have told a few family members and some coworkers/friends.

Im trying very hard to wait for guidance to help me set appropriate boundaries and rules. Because I am a peacemaker (if you’re familiar with enneagram) and could very easily just decide well, Z doesn’t actually matter any more to me and stuff that desire deep down inside when it actually mattered the whole time.

I’ve discovered I’ve done that about a lot of stuff in my relationship. Which I will take ownership of when we get to that point.

Other info: 4 kids 19, 17, 15, 12 - all still in school. 19 yo is a senior, 17 a junior, 15 a freshman and 12 yo 6th grade.

I do work - but as a toddler teacher in a Christian school making barely over $20,000/year. H is a fairly high wage earner - over 150,000.

I am so sorry you are here. The pain you are feeling comes through your writing loud and clear. The fact that the AP has been *in* your home... your sanctuary and safe space... is appalling. That is the ultimate betrayal, IMO.

At the top of this library is The Healing Library. Many great articles to help steer you through this mess. In the Articles section you will find Discovery/Confrontation. Please read the articles there which were written by those who have traveled your road before you. One article you should read is the Tactical Primer:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

Others will be along who can help you so much more than I can.

Please post as often as you feel the need. Do not tell your husband about this website. This should be your place to express yourself and whatever you are feeling whenever you want. You do not want him looking over your shoulder.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

Good luck.

Your story is so similar to mine. I am so sorry this was done to you . The pain is debilitating, all encompassing, and relentless for a long time. My advice to you (and my former self) is spend as little energy as you can worrying about the future, the choices, and decisions to be made. All energy (and I know it’s low right now) should be spent on healing YOU. Force yourself to eat, go on a walk, get a massage, spend time with friends, try to laugh. Only you and your children deserve any of your already depleted energy reserves. When my D Day happened over 5 years ago I didn’t lift a finger for my husband for 6 months. I didn’t cook, I didn’t clean, i didn’t so much as smile at him unless it was something I wanted to do. He was forced to handle it all. If he wanted the marriage to continue he was certainly going to provide the convalescent care I required because of his actions. IF and it was a big IF, I was going to stay married there would have to be something in it for me. It was my turn to be selfish.

Second, is don’t let others coming here telling you absolutes about your marriage or your husband. None of us know anything about either of those. All we can honestly do is warn you about behavior we experienced and express what helped us make it through to the other side.

Third, resist the urge (and many will be here screaming it in your ear, unfortunately) to believe your marriage has been a lie, I suppose one could argue that if all that made a marriage is fidelity than it was a sham. But, let’s be honest, marriage is composed of so much more than that. Yes, an important piece of your marriage was/is broken and that may prove to be too much to recover from, but the marriage’s entirety was not a sham. It was real and it was real to you and your children (likely your husband). Thinking almost a decade of your life was not real will do you a disservice, slow your healing, and is simply not true. Life is messy, painful, and unclean, but it’s all real.

My final bit of advice is when you feel you can’t take the pain one more minute go back to the self pampering. You deserve it. As you slowly begin to heal (and it is slow) your path forward will become
Clearer. As you learn this has nothing to do with you you’ll regain your self esteem. You can and will survive with or without your marriage.

For what it’s worth, I am almost 6 years out and happy again. It will happen. And yes, still married … it was a long road but it was going to be either choice I made. I won’t go into all the details as to how it worked out and what my husband has done as it’s way too early to know what yours will do. And right now, you need to triage yourself before any energy is spent on him. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I actually had a hair appointment, waxing and therapy scheduled for tomorrow. Then tested positive for Covid. Therapy is the only one I could do virtually.

And massage and facial for Saturday I had to cancel as well.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're now in the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use. Also, the ICR (I Can Relate) forum has a thread for those whose partners were involved in LTAs (long-term affairs).

There are two books that are generally recommended: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short and is a good blueprint that your WH (wayward husband) can use. The second is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's more clinical and much longer. One chapter that resonated with me is her chapter on Windows and Walls, which is about establishing boundaries.

It's good that you're starting IC soon. I suggest you watch your WH's actions, as his words are pretty cheap.

I would hold off on MC (marriage counseling) for now. IC for you is to help you heal, IC for him to find his whys and work on becoming a safe partner. When you're healed enough, then MC can help heal the M. Remember, your M didn't cheat - he did.

Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc, caused him to cheat. He made the decision to do so without any regards to you, and it's all about his selfishness.

As for advice, take what you need and leave the rest.

Awe man, when it rains it pours. Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well, but this too will pass! Get those pampering sessions rebooked.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You have been heard. You did not deserve this. You are not alone. I also have experienced a long term affair in my marriage. And the advice from ontheothersideofhell is spot on. Try to think of this as a chapter in your life not the whole story. There is so much more to each and every one of us than affairs. It can be overwhelming at times but try not to let it consume you. Be kind and gentle to yourself. This didn’t happen because of anything you did or didn’t do. It’s time to start thinking of yourself first and caring for the injured person within. Self care is your priority.

Im so sorry youre here. Welcome to the only club no one wa ts to join. You're going to get a lot of advice here. Some will be harsh. Some not. Take what you feel applies to you and leave the rest.

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years. Your WH is the one who has the hard work to do. Don't offer reconciliation this soon. You need to contact an attorney to find out what divorce will look like. Don't make ANY decisions for at least 6 months. You have healing to do 1st. Your husband didn't just cheat. He had a long term relationship that lasted for years. It's up to you if you can get over that

A lot more people who are far wiser than I. They will give you excellent advice. Some of that will be hard to listen to. Some won't.

The best advice I can give you is to read some of the other threads here. You're going to see some common threads. Almost like a Cheaters Handbook...they all often do and say the same things.

You will heal. It takes time.

I want marriage counseling to basically be a mediator to discuss the affair. To have someone to guide the conversation. Is there a different kind of counselor for that?

If you want marriage counseling, then find someone well versed in handling infidelity. Too often, marriage counselors focus on the marriage and try to distribute blame to both parties for one cheating. And that’s positively something you do NOT need right now. Personally, it’s recommended that the WS get individual therapy first before attempting to mend the marriage. And you need to take care of yourself right now as well. Tread carefully and good luck.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 9:43 PM, Thursday, January 11th]

We found a therapist who specialized in sex addiction. I don’t necessarily believe in that or think my husband was one, but it ties into attention seeking behavior. We did marriage counseling with him while
My husband did individual with him as well. And it worked exactly as you said. He was the "moderator" so to speak while we discussed the affair, but he also helped explain (not excuse) my husband’s behavior and thought process and most importantly what he needed to do if he was ever going to be a decent human for not only me, but his kids. He held his feet to the fire for sure and there was absolutely no blaming me or the marriage for the affair.

Hi MrsBacon, just wanted to say I read your story and hope you are doing ok, this is a huge surprise and blow to your marriage. Take the time you need to make a decision, I've been on this site for almost 20 years and when I look back to my DDAY I realize that I was on an emotional rollercoaster for quite a while.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you and that you definitely deserve to be in a relationship when you are both adhering to the marriage, etc. You definitely can be happy.

Take care.

I’m so sorry. I found out about my WS affair at Disney. We had also been together about 23years.

Honestly, the thing I regret the most is not listening to the folks here who told me to do a complete 180 on him. Instead I did the pick me dance.

That said - I didn’t realize how dysfunctional our relationship was - I had been with him since I was 19. I am now happily and healthily divorced. I survived the thing I thought I couldn’t survive. And I’m happy.

Give yourself time. You owe him NOTHING. Figure out what is best for you and the kids. Then do it whether he agrees or likes it.

Breathe. It will all be ok.

I’m sorry you’re here.

I want marriage counseling to basically be a mediator to discuss the affair. To have someone to guide the conversation. Is there a different kind of counselor for that?

The marital counselor is an appropriate place to do that, you do have to be cautious however, marital counselors, cannot tell if your spouse is lying. A lot of people who go to marital counseling lie. A lot of people who go to individual counseling lie as well.

I went to two with my wife. With the first one, my wife successfully pulled the wool over both of our faces, was able to divert everything away from what was actually going on. The next time, nine years later, I actually knew there had been an affair, as my wife confessed, but my wife continued to lie about this affair, which had happened nine years before, even in the counselors office.

It took approximately six months of marital counseling the second time, in order to actually begin to really deal with what happened. It was only after six months of lying every single week that we went in, which was every week, but my wife actually confessed at home that she had been lying the entire time about the affair, and then true marital counseling actually began.

Unfortunately, there's no way to guarantee you won't go through something similar.

Individual counseling can help, it may, or may not be helpful to you however. I never went to individual counseling, I truly did not have time for that on top of marital counseling, child, rearing, and work. However, I found a lot of advice given on this forum, to a variety of different people, to be quite helpful, I also found the books helpful.

I am sorry you were going through this, everyone here knows how terrible it is, take the information you can from here and from the books and use it as best you can. I would also be cautious about relying on the pastor.

Good luck, take this one day at a time, there are no true "experts" on this, we all become "experts" in dealing with our own shit pile that we have been handed.