While looking up for info in order to better understand a fellow human's predicament - ran into this: (not all the text - left out the religious stuff to adhere to SI rules)
I say this applies equally well to infidelity.
Swinging: Is It Just Sex?
The troubling thing about swinging is that people who participate in "the lifestyle" believe that it is "just sex". The trouble is that it’s not just sex. It’s so much more.
There is much much more that goes on in human physiology, the human mind, the human heart and the human soul than just the physical act of sex. Sexual climax is a powerful tool and serves a purpose. It is a tool that is meant to accomplish many things and that is why it feels so awesome. We know this, but we often want to reject it in order to pursue a sexual impulse or fantastical desire. So whether you are considering entering the Lifestyle or have already jumped in, feet first, there’s some things you need to know.
How Sex Happens
An examination of human physiology reveals some interesting facts. In modern western culture we are sophisticated enough to understand that some things happen to our bodies when we participate in the sex act, particularly when we climax. One of the things that happens is the release of hormones. There are primarily two (though these aren’t the only two, there are others that come into play as well) hormones released during climax that scientists have found of interest.
Both males and females release the hormone oxytocin. You might recognize this as the "mother" hormone as it is the same hormone released during childbirth which aids in the bonding of mother and baby. Now that might not sound very sexy, but understand that oxytocin is a bonding hormone. When two people join together sexually and experience climax, this hormone is released and is meant to bond the two together. Further, after sex males experience a hormone called vasopressin. This hormone is sometimes known as the "monogamy molecule" and serves to create feelings of protectiveness over and a desire to stay with his mate. Oxytocin and vasopressin are part of what make us want to stay bonded with a mate in order to rear a family together.
Advocates for multiple sex partners and the Lifestyle may want to remove these physiological realities from the sex act, but it is impossible. Climax serves the purpose of bonding the two partners together for the long haul. Scientists studying these chemicals theorize that the more sex a couple has, the more bonded they become. When you participate in the sex act with multiple partners you diminish the effects and decrease your chances of bonding with your partner. You increase your chances of bonding with partners outside your marriage, despite all the rules the Lifestyle advocates set in place to govern sexual activity without outsiders. And because the effects of sexual climax involve many other brain chemicals which involve pleasure such as dopamine and opioids, you create within yourself the possibility of an addictive draw towards sex and sex with multiple partners. I mean, did you catch that? Opioids. As in opiates, as in, strong chemical reactions akin to the euphoria of recreational drugs. It is, at least in part, a matter of science.
More Than Sex
Yet there is something within most people that understands we transcend mere science. The neuroscience behind sexual acts is one thing and the reality of the soul-ties involved in sex is another. Despite all our troubles throughout human history with sexual monogamy and sexual fidelity, the vast majority of us long for this and hope to find it. That is why, when asked, many people will say that if other couples choose that life that’s fine, but as for me, I prefer exclusivity. Even many who refuse to call the Lifestyle what it is—sinful—still do not want to live it out in their own lives. What they really want is an exclusive relationship.
Why?
We all want to know we are worthy of somebody’s love, worthy of being picked. We all want to know that just as we are, faults, quirks, extra pounds and all, that we are enough. It’s true, no one can be anyone else’s fully comprehensive "enough." Only God can truly be that, and truthfully both males and females need friendships outside the marriage. But my spouse should be my best friend—the one person who gets to share with me our very most intimate selves. When that occurs, we both find safety and security and can participate in other healthy friendships and larger communities.
But Humans Aren’t Meant to be Monogamous!
Lifestyle advocates and some (and not all, believe me, I’ve been doing the research) secular psychologists will tell you that couples that partner swap and participate in various other swinging activities are healthier emotionally and that they actually involve less cheating. This is only because the partners have essentially "legalized" adultery. I can decrease crime statistics by making a lot of things legal, but that doesn’t mean I should. They site a lack of jealousy as the case in point for emotional health.
In reality, these partners have found an easy way to ignite a sexual thrill without putting in the emotional work it requires to maintain a healthy, vibrant and monogamous sexual relationship with a married partner. They will cite many things, such as greater emotional maturity, in order to be able handle your partner having sex with other people. This, however, discounts the greater emotional maturity it requires to stay faithful to a single married partner with whom you’ve built a life.
We could argue emotional maturity all day, but the fact remains: the human heart tends towards hoping for an exclusive, exciting and loving relationship. The world will tell you can’t have that. It will tell you that you need something outside of your marriage partner, like bringing others into your bed or pornography. It will tell you that it’s normal. It will tell that it’s the only way to "spice up" your sexual relationship. I’m telling you it’s laziness and what’s more, it’s a lie.
The Truth about Swinging
The ugly truth is the Lifestyle has brutalized many marriages. Every site you read that advocates the Lifestyle will tell you "just make rules and always, always follow them." Here’s the trouble—even the advocates realize that there have to be some kind of boundaries. They instinctually know that there are certain rules of intimacy that shouldn’t be broken, even if they are having sex with multiple partners outside of the marriage. These boundaries include things like: no kissing someone besides your spouse (kissing is considered too intimate) or no meeting with another partner outside of agreed upon arrangements, or no sex without condoms. The trouble is, we get a little deeper into those intimate sexual relationships and very often find ourselves craving more. Remember those opioids and all those hormones? Here they are wrestling all your well-intended rules to the ground until they cry "uncle" and there you are having unprotected sex or setting up secret meetings. You never meant to. But you did. There is a secret to avoiding unprotected or secret sex with your swinging partners. Don’t have any in the first place.
Stop Searching for Love in All the Wrong Places
Here’s the bottom line. We all long for deeply connected relationships and having that requires something of us. Real love is not nearly so much about how much pleasure you get from a relationship but is rather defined by what you are willing to do for your partner’s well-being, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Marital fidelity, both emotionally and physically creates the safest place for your partner to flourish. Knowing that you are never comparing your partner to another lover, that your very best is saved only for that one person, that you are physically safe from disease that you are bonded together in order to give one another love and comfort as well as security for the children of your union—that is the safest place for you and your partner to find rest, love and companionship. When that is compromised either consensually or secretly by one or both partners, the safety and intimacy of your relationship and the future of your family unit is placed in danger.
There is no moment of physical release worth the risk of losing your marriage and your family.
