SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

About 3 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. I had returned from an extended work assignment; this was during COVID. Upon arrival I noticed some detachment but I chalked it off to my being in isolation to make sure I didn’t have COVID. However, once that was done, the issues continued. He told me we were done; I suggested we do couples therapy and he agreed. We completed a questionnaire and a question was about infidelity. He said no. A few days later I was using his computer and a message popped up. It was the woman he was having an affair with. I confronted him and he admitted it but said it was emotional, not physical. That he felt lonely while I was gone and she provided him comfort. Long story short, he left the house and limited contact. At 6 months he came back and we started counseling again. He swore he had left her; but when I asked to see his phone bill as proof, it came up that he was still in contact with her. I was devastated and demanded he made a decision. He said he wanted to stay with me but would not pick up the phone to tell her. I had to do it!

Well, we made the mistake of stopping counseling. We didn’t have the tools to handle the post affair issues. Every so often I would remember and would get so enraged. I always asked why he had done it and he never gave me a straight answer. I felt awful; I was comparing myself to her. My self esteem was depleted.

With time, the confrontations became less frequent. I started individual therapy and began acquiring knowledge about handling conflict and also about infidelity. So my tone changed and I started seeing the infidelity as a crisis in our marriage but not a defining factor.

Imagine my surprise when I started feeling my husband detaching from me again. He wouldn’t hug me or kiss me and we have not been intimate in about 3 months. I immediately suspected he was seeing someone else and asked him but he denies it. He says he loves me but that he has some issues he has to deal with on his own. I try to be understanding but I am suffering too much at both the detachment and the possibility of us getting a divorce. I’ve been crying frequently and it is affecting my job and other responsibilities.

He refuses to go to counseling because of the past experience. I wish he would just be upfront and tell me he wants a divorce. But he just tells me he doesn’t have the energy to work on our marriage. That all the fights accumulated and it brought him to this point. I feel he did not give me the grace I gave him. He is holding me accountable for expressing rage at the infidelity.

He once again told me we were done. At the same time he tells me he loves me. I love him so much but I am confused by his mixed messages. I want and need clarity. I cannot continue like this. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Hi StillGrieving,

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. The Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms we use. Also, in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts that you might find helpful.

Yes, he's sending mixed message - which can be meant to confuse you and keep you emotionally invested. You may want to read about the 180 (the simplified 180 is in the JFO forum). This is to help you emotionally detach so you can get your bearings in order to think straight.

I would suggest IC (individual counseling) for you. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, that may be very helpful. I don't recommend MC (marriage counseling/couples counseling). Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - he did. Many MCs will shift some of the blame to you. You may have contributed towards problems in the M, but the cheating is 100% his choice. He made thousands of decisions to betray you.

If he was lonely, there are a million other things he could have done. Gone bowling, taken a class on underwater basketweaving, volunteered at an animal shelter, take up knitting. His choice was to become close to somebody outside the M.

My XWH is passive-agressive. He didn't want to tell me he wanted to D, but he didn't change his behavior to become a safe partner, either. I think part of it was that he could say that I was the one who wanted the D.

Sorry that you're here.

Looks like a form of fence sitting from my perspective.

He’s really your garden variety coward.

He wants a D but doesn’t want to admit there’s someone else AND doesn’t want to be the bad guy by taking the steps to D.

Ignore his words and watch his actions. The actions will tell you everything.

No affection? Hmmmmm…..could be an affair or someone he’s interested in or he’s just not interested in the marriage. You just don’t know.

Because he’s not going to be honest w/ you. He’s afraid of the truth.

Thank you so much for the kind responses. So much of what you’ve said is true!

I left the house last Saturday. I gave him until the 15 of this month to leave. But I just could not bear to be in the same room with him.

I also found out that he individually spoke to my youngest daughter; she’s adult and not his biological child but he’s been in her life since she was 3. Why would he talk to her without me being present? We had agreed that when a resolution was agreed upon we would communicate it together. Now I am wondering what the hell he must have told her. To me, she said she would rather wait until a resolution was reached.

I went to the house today to pick up some clothes and he wasn’t there. And I noticed he hasn’t started packing. What is he waiting for?

I’m drained; I am tired of crying. I am ashamed. I feel that the woman he had an affair with in 2020 will be rejoicing when she finds out (if she doesn’t know already cause I suspect he might have gone back to her.

I hurt so much. I feel so broken.

I can see how confusing this is? I have read alot about how people seeked any way of connecting to another during covid because it was so isolating. Did you say this was an emotional affair? At least, he explained what he was seeking as opposed to blaming you.

Have you considered just moving back home and asking what is he thinking? If he tells you he just doesn't have the energy is there something going on where he needs to see a doctor? Covid really pushed so many to needing help with emotions. Have you asked him if there is something physical going on with him and showed concern?

I am really sorry for the hurt you are experiencing and I know exactly how it is when we get wrapped up in our own emotions. Sounds like you have been married a long time and even though you had children, you are all a family.

Clarity does need to be brought to the surface but it's hard to get it when we are emotional. Have you prayed over this issue? I do believe in prayer.

What is he waiting for?

It could be he doesn’t want to leave do he plans to do nothing.

You may need to pack his stuff up for him. Not that you want to but it might be something you need to do to get him to leave.

Honestly if it were me at 12:01 am on the 15th I would be packing his stuff for him. And leaning it in the garage or in his car or some place out if the house it won’t get stolen.

Maybe have a storage until paid for for the first month and drop his stuff there on the morning of the 15th.

Maybe he believes you are bluffing.

Nothing confusing at all. He's hedging his bets keeping you as a back up plan while chasing the fantasy of being with OW/free.
My ex husband did similar in 2013. Thank God for GOOD friends who saw through his BS and didn't pull their punches! They gave it to me straight. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear in order to act and quit mooning around in hopium.
I'm so sorry you're here. I really am, but you ARE here and it won't get better until you get yourself out and quit wondering what he's going to do.
Please get mad. Feel the rage for the shit sandwich he's trying to feed you and be your own advocate.

"I’m drained; I am tired of crying. I am ashamed. I feel that the woman he had an affair with in 2020 will be rejoicing when she finds out (if she doesn’t know already cause I suspect he might have gone back to her."

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. What they did is traumatic and uncalled for in a monogamous marriage.

As far as the OW, she may feel like she has won a prize. In the end tho I remind myself what have they really won? The destruction of a marriage and proof positive that the AP is of low moral character. How she got him is how she is gonna lose him…. Good luck to her.

There's a simple explanation for your husband's behavior:

-He wants to continue his affair

-He wants to keep the comfort and stability that you provide as his wife

-Divorce would mean losing you as plan B (if things don't work out with OW) and would probably cause OW to demand a deeper commitment from him

I know this because this was my exact situation with my ex. He was cold, aloof, and unaffectionate with me, but claimed he still loved me. He wouldn't admit he was carrying on with other women. He refused to file for divorce himself, even though he said he was unhappy in the marriage. I spent countless months crying and and sinking into despair until I finally gathered the courage to leave.

And sure enough, the OW in my situation thought she "won" the prize, as they went public with their relationship while my side of the bed was still warm. But sure enough, all the problems I had with him became her problems. All the complaints he had about me became complaints he had about her. She thought they were going to get married and have a family together, but last I heard, she's raising their child as a single mother and he's barely involved.

Filing for divorce will give you a light at the end of tunnel, one way or another. Either your husband will realize he doesn't want to lose you or you will set yourself free from a man who sees you as nothing more than his faithful wife appliance.

No matter what, know this: you deserve better!

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:59 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

What is he waiting for?

Hebis waiting it out. For you to get over it. To let it go.

F him. File.
You dont deserve this and he has clearly shown you he has no interest in doing the work to be q better partner. Shove his butt off that fence.

I believe men have a way of separating the emotions of love with their feelings of connection and intimacy. With women, they are all in one ball - emotions of love and intimacy and connection in relationships, but with men, they deal with them separately. So he could be saying he loves you, and he does, but his connection to you is separate. Men need respect and when they don't get respect they disconnect, regardless of how much they love you. And the intimacy piece - for men, it is all just physical and less about love.

At least, that is what I have gathered after two divorces.

-Divorce would mean losing you as plan B (if things don't work out with OW) and would probably cause OW to demand a deeper commitment from him

I echo this comment, I still feel my WW is trying to keep me as a backup and has repeatedly said that we do not need to rush to D, she is the one that still regularly sends messages not me, BUT she is the one who had the A, she is the one that chose AP, and she is the one that moved out of our house to go live with him.

So I am doing what I feel is in my best interests. The D was filed within 3 weeks and we are now in that (UK imposed) limbo period where we have to wait before we can file the next set of documents. Well those documents are already filled in, signed and I just need to date and post them in January. I see no reason to delay, she made her choice and now has to live with the consequences.

To be honest I think she has been shocked at my attitude to get on with it, but knowing me as she does through 20 years of M, she should have realised that when I start something I just get on with it.

I doubt one can generalize so clearly between the sexes as above. At least I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I allegedly deal with my emotions of love and intimacy and connection in relationships separately. Never realized that! Frankly – as a man – despite having been told that by a woman I still don’t really experience that.
There is a good reason why the site guidelines suggest (quite firmly) that we avoid generalizations…

StillGrieving
Sometimes messages are sent with other tools than words…
If someone says "I love you" and then punches you, how many repeats would it take before you take action over word?
If someone tells you the check is in the mail for the nth time, at what point would you take lack of action over word?

Sometimes the words don’t reflect the message. When he says he’s not willing to work on the marriage he MIGHT be saying he wants out, or he might be saying he doesn't know what to do.
Expecting him to act… Why?

This is like where you two are in your car arriving outside your home wondering what the flickering in the windows might be. The worst explanation would probably be a fire. A possible explanation might be one of you forgot the tv on, or even a bulb on the brink of dying. It’s like neither of you are willing to mention the flickering, not willing to step out of the car, or willing to find out what the real issue might be.
If it is a fire… it’s a fire. Call the FD, save valuables and so on…

Same with your marriage. If he wants a D then sitting in your car waiting for one to step out and file… won’t get you anywhere.

Keep in mind that to divorce you don’t really need to let your spouse know you WANT a d. You go file. You get a divorce. Not suggesting you do that, just pointing out he hasn’t.

I suggest you force the issue.
Sit him down. Point out that he doesn’t want to work on the marriage but that the present situation isnt sustainable. YOU do not accept a compromise of a marriage, nor want to grow old with a person that resents you and you would possibly resent.
Tell him that if you had the choice you would want to work on the marriage, but doing so alone is the mythical one-handed clap.
Tell him that of two evils: not being married to him or remaining in his infidelity-controled and dominated marriage the former is the less evil.

Tell him that the logical and sensible progression – since you two are not working and he’s not willing – at improving your marriage is to terminate it.
Point out that it’s a process, and that if you two are sensible and follow the laws and procedures in your area you will both get a fair deal. There isnt any rush – maybe for the next 7 days you separately research divorce and then proceed. You don’t want any discussion for that time on how to proceed, but rather after a week you both state how you want to proceed (separate attorneys, mediation etc)

Point out that this deals with the legal aspect. The emotional one is left. Tell him that you alleviate him of all emotional expectations and roles as husband. He doesn’t have to tell you where he is, whom he’s with or anything like that. You are not expecting any emotional support or planning any future with him. Your goal is that if this ends in divorce you can detach from all but necessary contact with him. You don’t plan on being resentful or enemies, but have little interest in remaining friends.

Let him know the next step is a lot in his hands. If he WANTS the marriage he can let you know, but he also has to let you know what he’s willing to do to keep you. If that’s something you see a future in… great.