SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 months out from DD#2, but this DD hit differently than the first DD 12 years ago.
He is doing ALL the work, on his own, unprompted. I feel like I'm successfully working on forgiveness, except struggling with the tone of his cheating texts (wife is too busy for me, I don't tell my wife - it's our secret, etc). That stuff is like a knife still. I'm also struggling with the crap before DD#2 more now.
Prior to DD#2, I was pretty miserable in our marriage, and he knew it. He refused couple's counseling, ignored my pain and requests to try and connect, guilt-tripped me, and I really felt resentful for the last 5 years.
So now that he is working on all of this I'm feeling increasingly angry and resentful that it took a near-death experience for him to prioritize the marriage. NOW he is okay with no intimacy until I'm ready, whereas before DD#2 he would mope and pout if we didn't have sex every week or two. When I look at him I'm slightly less disgusted than a month ago but still not at all attracted to him unless I've been drinking . I can't even imagine kissing him, the thought of his lips touching me grosses me out (he had one physical kissing cheat 15 years ago and I found this out DD#2).
Now I know it's only been 3 months from DD#2 BUT is this enough progress to keep trying? Why am I feeling disappointed that he is working so hard? Is it because I feel like I can't be as mad now? Or is it a sign I can't forget? Or am I just destined to be unhappy?
Why is my brain looking for an out when he is doing all the right things? Then when he is screwing up I'm looking for reasons to have hope? Codepentant anxious attachment I guess.
Thanks for reading!

Why is my brain looking for an out when he is doing all the right things?

Because it is trying to protect you from further trauma. Especially when there is a D-Day 2 your survival instinct will be in full force.

Time will tell how you feel. Hopefully he will continue his work and unfortunately you also have to work on your own healing once again. I would try to find a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma. This may have also caused some PTSD.

I was not able to recover my feelings for my xWS after False R. It was just too much to come back from, coupled with his continued non remorse and NPD behaviors I had to exit the M.

LessThinking,

Don't think just do...

Get to work telling the OW SO what she did not tell your WH or threaten or warn they will paint you as a crazy. I would extend that to everyone in OWs life that matters to her but that's just me.

have him write out a timeline for all his affairs with full details

have him write out a timeline for all his prior relationships to the marriage, with this guy his past is his future, and you need to know who his ex'es are.

take his ass to a polygraph ignore all his protests and stamping his feet and objections, not negotiable end of story.

12 years ago and again, from what you wrote he has lines prepared and memorized to seduce women, I suspect there are more affair, believe that it's the most probable.

if he is in charge of the family finances they have to be opened up to you, he also needs to disclose how much he spent, or if he's cheating financially too.

STD testing for both, they lie about that too for the sake of your health minimally.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:31 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

Or am I just destined to be unhappy?

We can't control our spouses, we can't control much in this world, but there is one thing I can control in this world, and that's my response to adversity.

However, infidelity takes a longer time to build the response you NEED, because any of us who offer a potential last chance have to wait and see if our partner is worthy of us.

Three months in, I was still in literal shock. It took a year before I felt like my feet were on solid ground. It took two years to believe the actions of my wife. It took three years to really get to point where I could choose my response to the depression, and devastation.

So, I don't think you're destined to be unhappy -- just that you will be tapping into strength you never knew you had to get through this emotional trauma.

And once you really know what you want, be it the M or a life on your own, you can choose and find joy again.

R takes both partners wanting to build a relationship worthy of both people, which is a lot of work.

At 7.5 years after day, I'm a happy camper. I have the M that I want. My wife has the M that she wants. We're happy, and still amazed how much we had to overcome to get here.

You'll know if it is worth the effort. You'll know if your WS has made temporary changes or the REAL changes needed to be a safe partner.

Don't worry about the anger, it will come. Big time. Feel it, you earned it.

Your brain, as mentioned in the thread, is trying to protect you. It's a good thing.

Thank you crazyblindsided and so sorry to hear about the False R :(
Thank you too survrus. He and I tested clear for STDs and wrote a full timeline disclosure letter, been together for 33 years, since teens so have a good idea of the past. No money spent ever, credit report checked and I handle all finances (in accounting). WS agreeable to polygraph, very willing, just need to schedule (save money).
Litterally all the right things and I'm still looking for an out....crazyblindsided is I'm sure correct...protecting from future trauma.
This is exhausting and so hard!
Miss him when he is gone and want him away when he is around!

So he's getting IC now?

Are you?

HardKnocks
Yes both in IC, he has been in IC for a year or so for ADHD some OCD-type stuff.
I have been in IC for my unhappiness in our marriage which he was not willing to address until after
DD#2

I think it's natural to feel cynical and negative about someone who can't seem to stop cheating on you.

Why am I feeling disappointed that he is working so hard? Is it because I feel like I can't be as mad now?

Maybe it's because you want out. If you hit the lottery tomorrow, would you walk?

"OCD stuff" indeed! My FWS had the same issues. Makes sense when you look at the A behaviors. Don't let him terminate IC too early. He'll need a ton of work if he is to really change. True, lasting change can take years.

Anyway, it's still early days after your DD2. At the end of the day all you can do is stay connected to yourself. Stay in IC (figure it out with the help someone trained for the task). If you feel stuck, communicate that to the IC or consider changing ICs.

Dont drink! I found a heap of trouble and delayed healing (by a lot) trying to cope by using alcohol. It's toxic under the best of circumstances. Don't let it f up your process. It will surely do that.

All the best!