SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello SI,

Does anyone here actually believe their WS when they said to you the following after they ended the A and chose to stay with you and ask for forgiveness and a chance?

"I really love you."

"The affair is just temporary. We both know that."

"I tried to stop it already when I felt that our relationship is getting deep."

"The love that I felt on my AP is not the same as the love I have for you. I love you more and I know to myself that I won't leave you and our children."

"Everything I said to her was just empty words. It's out of pity."

As for me, it is BS.
I'm just curious what others might think or how will they react especially if they are choosing to give their relationship another try.

Words don’t mean anything post dday, it is their actions that matter.

I do believe my WH loves me, I do KNOW that the AP love was based on lies, deceit and it is irrelevant, it was love for a self projected person. I do know that our relationship is based on authenticity and not smoke, based on reality and not unicorn land. I do believe my WH feels lucky to still have me in his life and I do believe him when he says that. But it had and still has to be supported by actions not just words.

My WH didn’t claim that what he said with her was out of pity so I can’t comment on that, it sounds like deflecting to be honest.

The first action a WS can take post dday is to cut the crap, get in IC to understand why they dropped so low, become honest not only with their BS but with themselves as well, and start backing up their words with substantial actions.

I didn't get those words from my W, and I'm glad I didn't, because they look condescending, minimizing, and manipulative to me. How do the look to you?

I got a lot of

'I did _____.'
'I said _____.'
'I felt _____.'

I also got, 'We both agreed we won't leave our Hs,' but that was sharing info, not attempting to minimize the A.

W never asked for forgiveness, though she wanted it. She said - and showed - she wanted to stay with me, but she honored my right to make choices. Her commitment to change from betrayer to good partner was solid, whether I chose R or D. IOW, she didn't change for me; she changed for herself.

W said ow said she hated dishonesty, but ... you know ... that went by the wayside pretty quickly.

Given the way she's approaching R this time, I honestly believe she MEANS what she's saying and I am open-minded enough to understand that she might feel differently about some things as she does ever deepening work. It's actions that matter, so I'm doing my best not to parse words as I hear her statements change over time. "I didn't mean to hurt you", "I didn't want to hurt you", "I lied to keep hurtful information secret", "I wish I didn't hurt you" and "I can't believe I did what I did, and I hope you can forgive me some day for how badly I know I've hurt you" are all versions of the same sentiment, expressed better over time as she digs in.

Do I think my H really loves me? Yes.

But it’s not the same love for me. It’s not that same feeling I had before the affair.

I will admit I am somewhat disconnected and my marriage is not my priority nor is he. That is the cost or fallout of being the betrayed spouse.

Edited to add:

On dday2 I told my H I was D him and he was free to go and be with the OW or anyone else he chose to romance etc. Funny how he declined (as he had just ended his affair for the 2nd time though I didn’t know this).

So yes I believe that he does love me. It’s been 10 years and he has shown that he truly meant those words. And I do believe (since he ended the affair of his own choice) that he realizes/realized that the feelings were not sustainable and it was more infatuation than love for the OW.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:30 PM, Wednesday, October 25th]

First time around I believed it. It took me a long ass time to realize that, once caught, he would continue to be deceptive. I naively thought getting caught would be enough for him to wake up and man up. I mean, what did I know about cheaters?

Now I know it was just words. Blah, blah, blah. I mean even if he meant some of them, they all got labeled big fat lies on Dday2.

Actions are where it's at. Even those can be faked to a point. But the real action - the ones that should matter most - like deep self reflection, empathy, humility, etc. That's where it's at in terms of helping the BS heal.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 9:15 PM, Wednesday, October 25th]