SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I joined when I found out my wife cheated back in 2015 . She did the heavy lifting and we healed eventually. We’ve had some issues along the way . Her clutter turned into hoarding . We tried to come to a compromise, but I was always accused of trying to control her and it was dropped. Her drinking was starting to get out of control. She would go to bed pretty soused. Again I was controlling . She was constantly on her phone on Facebook , etc. Two weeks ago I couldn’t get hold of her on the phone. Came home and wanted to look at her settings( we’ve shared our pins since 2015. Well it was changed. She said it was because she got her FB account hacked . I know that’s bs. Took the phone to Verizon. In the parking lot I figured out she blocked me. She said it must have been by accident. As I was out I saw she was having a conversation with a male classmate who was having i bad time with his marriage. She was lending her um.. support. We had an intense discussion about it. She accused me of overreacting.

Fast forward to last week. I had skin cancer surgery on my nose and had stitches and a dressing over my nose. Two days later , she picked up a friend and came back to the house. She handed me a note and wanted me to read while she was gone. I read the first paragraph that said she was leaving and moving back to Wisconsin closer to her kids. They would be there the following day (we live in Ohio). I asked her if we could discuss this. She said no. So here I am realizing reconciling before to this woman was a mistake . We were married for 13 years . I honestly didn’t see this coming. I feel she has someone already she met on Facebook in her home town , but frankly I don’t care.

Signed gutted.

She did the heavy lifting and we healed eventually.

I don't think she did heal, brother. At least not truly. Things might have appeared to come back to normal in your marriage, but I think the wife that returned to it wasn't the person you thought she was. It's nothing to do with you - she alone is responsible for her emotional health and she failed herself. You did the best you could, and you should be proud of yourself for sticking to your values. I'm sorry.

You know the drill - check with your doctor, consult a lawyer, separate finances, and look out for yourself.

How are you holding up with everything? What do you see for you?

You are correct. She has failed herself. She is sadly broken and unless she gets extensive counseling , nothing will change. Luckily I have a great deal of friends who are helping a lot and family . She seems to surround herself with online people and co workers who don’t know anything about me and our marriage , so she can control the narrative. Oh well. Good thing we never had any joint accounts and the house was mine before we married. In Ohio we can do a dissolutionment if we both agree with the terms.

I’m staying busy and trying to remove evidence of her presence. The shocker was the way it went down. So heartless and has been working on an exit plan for awhile all the while pretending like everything is ok . Damn .

I can't help but think that you're getting rid of the rubbish, in every sense. The bad part is that I assume that she didn't have time to handle her hoarding mess before she left.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I imagine you're feeling a bit of shock because it happened so quickly. Are you doing alright?

1Survivor,

Lets pick a few

Her clutter turned into hoarding .

Horrible way to live

Always accused of trying to control her and it was dropped.

Textbook avoidance

Her drinking was starting to get out of control.

Back to addictions, bad addictions, makes cheating easier.

She was constantly on her phone on Facebook , etc.

Was back to playing affair roulette

Two weeks ago I couldn’t get hold of her on the phone.

More affair stereotypical behavior

She said it was because she got her FB account hacked

And lying too

I saw she was having a conversation with a male classmate who was having i bad time with his marriage. She was lending her um.. support.

Ok and she's going to him in another state be glad he doesn't live close by.

Correct me if I'm wrong but a very dysfunctional person has left your household and is going to become someone elses problem a decent distance away, she never became affair safe, count your blessing she didn't do this now and not 10 or 5 years from now when you have more of a time investment in her.

She sound like the poster for a lost dog, "Has no teeth, mangy hair, 3 legs, one eye answers to the name of lucky"

The shocker was the way it went down. So heartless and has been working on an exit plan for awhile all the while pretending like everything is ok .

I hear you and went through the same when my xww left for the OM. It's almost like you're not even dealing with a human - absolutely no empathy at all... it's cold and frightening. FWIW, things aren't going to really work out with the OM. It might appear to for a while, but all her inner demons will manifest again and she will continue to run from herself and reality.

I’m staying busy and trying to remove evidence of her presence.

That's good to hear. It sounds like you're getting things taken care of. Sometimes we can get into "go mode" and it doesn't hit until later. And that's okay. Just remember to give yourself a break when you need to.

So you got two cancers removed at the same time

Thank you everyone . So much wisdom here. I love the analogies of the two cancers . I just turned 65 and she’s 68. You would think she would be exhausted by now from all the mental gymnastics. I’ve been going to each room and deep cleaning it . I’m going to make an appointment for counseling . I have a 4 year old dog that keeps me active. Tomorrow I am going to the gym . I actually feel relief. I remember talking about us moving to Wisconsin and me being apprehensive . Now I know why. I dodged the bullet. Im not really afraid of being alone . I will say my bed isn’t any colder now than it was before.

68 and still into massively stupid behaviors not much chance of recovery now close the door and nail it shut with 2x4s and big ass nails.

Where ever she is send her crates of booze and thank you cards, then disconnect completely.

And your 4 year old dog has a cleaner house to live in too, it was so unjust for your hound.

Haha. My dog is loving and faithful and loyal, my stbx is none of those things. Shutting and nailing the door is not a problem . I feel I am living an Invasion of the Body Snatchers scene ,but alas that’s who she’s been all along unfortunately.

I'm so sorry 1survivor. You deserve better.

Please don't think of any of this as a mistake YOU made. You did as much as anyone could have asked you to. You opened your heart and offered grace. You were open-minded. This is on her.

Out of interest, was it the same old classmate as before? By now, you know the drill. Please advice the OM's wife.

It doesn’t appear that it's the same classmate. When I had her phone open , I looked in her Facebook messenger and it was someone different . Last time I blew their world up. This time I didn’t grab enough intel first.

Looking back in 2015, we were only married 5 years. I can see she really never changed, just put on a different costume. Avoidance, blameshifting , gaslighting all evidence of moral deficiency. I don’t think my stbx had the skills necessary to make any long term relationship work tbh.

Very sorry you are going through this. Yes, from what you have shared she is a sadly broken person. She will certainly go downhill from here. At her age her behavior and attitudes are unlikely to change. Now is the time for you to heal. Just want to emphasize to maintain no contact or as little as possible to arrange the end of your M. This will help you healing. Take care of you. Good luck.

Thanks for the good advice. I have only had minimal contact with her so far. I’ve instructed any contact be done via text or email. Once I catch my breath , I will figure the best and most expedient way to proceed. Right now I need a good night sleep. I’m also laying off any alcohol. Right now it just muddies the waters.

It seems like what I call active cheaters (who have not actually done the hard work on themselves) will do about anything. It’s like they have no conscience.

I offended someone saying I would not hire an active unrepentant cheater in a business. That a person who would betray those closest to them would do about anything..

I did in the past fail to protect myself from one EXWH. He did tremendous financial, spiritual, emotional and physical damage to me. I now tell betrayers to please protect yourself and take exquisite care of yourself.

Sorry you are going through this.

Shehawk, that is good advice . My stbxs life is just a mess and it’s everyone else’s fault, always. I was either controlling or she said I was always trying to blame her . Yes taking responsibility is not for sissies. Lol.

One really bazaar thing she did was the night before the bombshell she made a pan f lasagna . After she was moving out , I told her son I was going out to pick up a sub. She says " I made that lasagna so you would have something." WTH? Craziness I have to deal with. Not any more.

Clearly you can't trust her to be a decent person. Why in the world would you eat her food. That is clear insanity. Just trying to alleviate herself from any guilt. I cooked for him, he won't starve to death. Because clearly as a grown adult you are incapable of taking care of one's self.

Sounds like you were handed a gift. I know it hurts now. But clearly not facing her mess for the rest of your life is a real gift. You did all you could. Stand tall. Be proud.

Thanks tushnurse. I agree. I clearly was handed a gift. I feel good about myself and will come out ok. I clearly missed some red flags and will have to delve into how and why . Overall i have nothing to hang my head about. My focus is the future and ending this toxic business partnership from hell.

1survivor

One thing to keep in mind and prepare yourself for. There may come a day in the not too distant future where she sees that what she left for isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and tries to come crawling back. Based upon what you’ve written, you’re now seeing the relationship for what it was and who she really is.

Enjoy your new found peace and don’t let her suck you back into her orbit.

Hoarding is mental illness - she just moved hers from cheating to drinking and hoarding, and back around to cheating. She never did the real internal work. So good riddance to bad rubbish. Cleaning the house must feel therapeutic - so literal.

As always, the feels may catch you but keep your eyes forward and focus on your bright (and tidy and clean!) future. Get the D over with, change the locks on the house, and enjoy life.