SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW and I are working on our R. For the first time it seems she is really understanding the depths of the pain caused by betrayal. I feel that my pain and suffering is very similar to other BS posting here. What is helping her is seeing WS posts where they actually get support from WS folks teaching them how to understand your BS's pain. It's important for a WS to learn about the physical manifestations of such trauma, as well as that triggering events happen randomly and may never go away. My WW sees the difficult journey ahead of us. She is now understanding that she is going to have to deal with her own feelings maturely while prioritizing my feelings when I'm struggling.

Each day that has passed since July seems to have gotten a little bit easier for me. It's actually getting tougher for her, however. Since I became a member here, our communications have become less triggering and our understanding of each other gets deeper. I think this is happening because WW has been reading the stories here about BSs and becomes deeply affected by the pain she caused me (so many stories are so similar.) She's listening more actively, she apologizes for what she did, she promises to not get defensive (her guilt and shame caused her to shut down or shift focus to her discomfort) and just let me talk, cry, or sometimes walk away (or sleep in the other bedroom for a night or two.)

What did you folks do that you actually wished you did NOT do on here as a couple?

Conversely, what are some things that you wish you would have done here?

I think your WW is doing the best thing she can reading as much as possible to gain understanding and empathy for you.

Since men often just swallow the grenade and there are no external signs of damage WWs often don't have any idea what they've done.

On the surface men look like they've recovered but every day they think of the affair and every wrong action of the WW is judged as a possible consequence of the affair. For years I thought I could come home at any time and get a I'm leaving you speech and the only protection against it was to earn enough money for us both and the kids to live through it.

In my case I read and read until there was a certain critical point of self awareness at which I understood how much my WWs affairs cost me. Your WW is going deeper and deeper as well.

Your WW will sink down for a time she has to make up for years of lies, minimization and omissions.

My WW never wanted to read, but used to mention these websites in her prayers.

Hello, wondayatatime.

Each day that has passed since July seems to have gotten a little bit easier for me. It's actually getting tougher for her, however.

Yeah, that's kind of normal. So many WSs live in denial about how serious the damage really is and exposure to places like this slowly sweep that Fog away. The more they see the destruction that is revealed, the more they realize just how bad it really is. For an empathetic WS, that hits pretty hard

You both need to stay off of each other's threads.

She will read things she doesn't like on yours. She doesn't need to argue with people who are giving you advice and support.

You will probably think the FWS here are being tough on her. You need to allow it. Recovery is painful. It's ok for her to feel that.

She needs to not complain about the members posting in your threads,on her threads,and vice versa.

As a serial cheater, who is claiming not to remember MAJOR details, it would be best for her to stick to the wayward forum for now. It is the most protected forum here, IMO.

No specific advice to your question, but I did want to welcome her here. I can tell that you believe in her and I hope that she can find that same faith within herself on her journey. Who we were is never as important as who we can be, and every choice that we make moving forward.

Thanks SerJR,

These are words to live by.

Who we were is never as important as who we can be, and every choice that we make moving forward.

Thank you brother.

WS Here, heading into year 8 of R.

I know a lot of people say to never have both the WS and BS on SI, and while I agree that it's probably good advice in many cases, we are an example of it being right for us. Yes, having both BS and WS post means that whatever you post is going to be read by your spouse, and for some people, that means they are going to "hold back" or not be 100% open and honest. That's a choice, however.

In our case, it was helpful. It was helpful because we were both able to get feedback and advice from the community, and it was helpful to the community because they always had "the full picture" of what was really going on in both of our minds. There were many times where she posted "her side of the story" and I posted mine, and we were able to get honest and well-informed feedback from the community. And that feedback went both ways sometimes.

It helped me personally because my wife did NOT hold back her feelings, opinions, experiences, or anything else. In fact, I often had a much deeper look into her feelings online, because often, our verbal discussions at home would devolve into anger or frustration, and people aren't always honest and open about their feelings in the midst of a screaming match. But online, we could each just be composed and honest about what we were thinking and feeling. So I got to see what she was really feeling. And she got to see where I was too. Many times, I had my head planted firmly up my ass, and with the full story in place, SI was able to tell me so. It's one thing when your spouse tells you something, it's another when a whole community tells you. To this day, I appreciate the honesty and 2x4's that came my way. My wife also had days when people called her out, when she had things she needed to accept. But that would not have been possible if we had not both been online, active, sharing, and honest.

As a WS, having the WS's here to help me was paramount to my healing. And my healing took a LONG time. I was stuck in wayward "la la land" for a few years, and it was doubtful we were going to survive as a couple. But with SI's help (and a hell of lot of therapy and hard work, to be clear) my head was removed from my ass, and actual healing was able to begin. But I don't know if I would have made it to that point without SI, and without the open and honest sharing that my wife and I both did.

Yeah, it's uncomfortable, it's not perfect, and it might cause some arguments or hurt feelings sometimes. But then again, it's not as if those things are not going to happen anyway. Better they happen with a purpose of healing rather than destruction.

Anyway, as I said, here we are, still together, planning our retirement together, looking forward to a time when we can just do the things we want to do and live the life we want to live together. It's not perfect. We can't make the hurt go away. But we can both decide what our story is moving forward.

I don't think there is anything that I wished we had NOT done as a couple on SI. The hardest parts were the most helpful.

I wish you both the best.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 5:20 PM, Sunday, October 22nd]

Hi DaddyDom,

I thank you for your informative post and the time that it must have taken you to compose it.

I think my WW and I are pretty close to the point where we will begin putting some stuff into perspective.

I have written a lot of raw, unfiltered, in the heat of the moment kind of stuff on my thread. I went through the exercise of what R would look like for me (to be the best I can be for my wife) and what I need from her. I was also asked what I think D/S would look like. This terrified me in theory but on paper it seemed tough but survivable. I know my ww read that, and I know it must have stung. She also read she is the love of my life and how committed I am to R and spending the rest of our lives and eternity together.

I am going to assure her that I will not read her thread on Wayward until she gets over what I imagine are feelings of incredible guilt, shame, and intense vulnerability. I respect her space and trust you all will be appropriately harsh at times, but always loving and supportive. Another reason I want to stay away (from her posts) is my first instinct is to protect her from unfair criticism (WSs swing that loving 2 x 4 pretty forcefully.) She's a big girl and can handle herself, but I have this tendency to be overprotective and controlling at times.

I would not have invited here here if I felt that it would make our sitch worse. She is also dealing with her FoO stuff at the same time in IC, and this is where she is making the greatest progress.

I am not sure if we are at the point where we can engage directly with each other in an appropriate non STOP sign thread yet. I want her to get to know the culture, learn to trust and embrace this mission we are all on, and make develop trusted relationships with others here.

We both can put you all at ease as far as fighting and drama. She's not a fighter (and this is part of her problem.) She drops A bombs when a dirtly look would have sufficed to get her point across. But will never be disruptive here and will always be civil.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply once again.

I never wanted my WW on SI, this was my safe place. She went through IC and I went through SI. I did not want to have to filter my posts through "how would it make her feel", I wanted to be as open and raw as possible with my posts, vents, or advice.

I would copy and paste things I thought she needed to see, we would discuss infidelity issues that come up on SI but I never shared user names, to this day she does not know my username here.

Thanks Tanner. I understand that sentiment. This is a calculated risk that we both agreed to take. For me I wanted her to see where I was emotionally, where I am now, and that I have clearly indicated where I want to be (in R with her.)

She needs her own support network instead of talking to people that literally say, "Why is your husband so upset over something that happened over 22 years ago?" She has been stuck in her "you go girl" clique where "fighting the patriarchy" is actually empowering women to have affairs.

A loving wallop with a 2x4 by a few other WSs is what she needs, at least sometimes. I also think that she needs to see that she is not this monstrous human anomaly. Her story is just a variation on a theme shown by so many others. We are making great strides the past few days and we both feel much more confident that we can R.

I have learned immediately that I am not alone by being here. I feel supported and heard here. She needs a compassionate and insightful community that knows exactly what "makes her tick" as much as I do.

For my ww,

Honey, You know I am a man of my word. I will stay out of your posts and replies because I want you to have a safe space to discuss things. And you know I have written harsh things here, but you also said it's nothing I would not say face to face. I think I've spewed out the worst of my feelings for now, and I think you know that also. We are in a much better place finally, and we know I'm fragile. You are feeling much more vulnerable, and that is a good thing for you, finally. I would not suggest you participate in anything that would make our sitch worse. You are safe here.

On the surface men look like they've recovered but every day they think of the affair and every wrong action of the WW is judged as a possible consequence of the affair. For years I thought I could come home at any time and get a I'm leaving you speech and the only protection against it was to earn enough money for us both and the kids to live through it.

If you believe only one thing you read here, believe this.

My FWS thinks it is all done and gone. 22 years later I still deal with the fallout, including with our adult children. Including how her behaviors at the time affected my thinking and decision making in the marriage. For years I made career and financial decisions because of my limited, and now recognized as false, information about what really happened then. Out of the blue, something came up twice in the last week!

Hi Standinghere,

Thank you for your reply. I just ready your story.

My FWS thinks it is all done and gone. 22 years later I still deal with the fallout...

I am currently dealing with the following ussues

1) we only had a false R since 2009. Finding out about an EA / ONS back in 2000 or 2001 (prior to marriage) brought me to my emotional nadir. I found myself unable to work anymore. I suffer with anhedonia.

2) TT - this is the worst. No need to talk about this as sometimes it's identified (by some here) as the worst part of the whole ordeal.

3) Poor memory / dissociation (will I ever find out just how deep this rabbit hole goes?)

4) Inability to trust anyone anymore right now, including my own feelings and decisions.

I wish you peace my friend.