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Hi not posted in a while and want opinions on actions not words.
WS is saying all the right things and claims to have told AP to never come back and as we mix in all the same circles as her, he has said if she approaches him or us he will tell her where to go. Only trouble is she never does when we are together so I have no proof any of this is true.

I have made it clear I want to move away however WS elderly parents depend on us so this cannot happen until they pass. What actions can I get him to take in order for me to feel safer?

I have had no timeline on A and other than him admitting it he doesn’t want to talk about it and I am not sure it would help me as its now that I am concerned about.

We are in MC however progress if any is slow and WS is still very dismissive of the impact this has had on me. I guess I want to see if he is truly committed by giving me an action not just words. Any suggestions? Thanks

His actions are speaking clearly already. He won't do the timeline. He doesn't talk about it. He's dismissive of your pain. These are the actions of someone who doesn't want to R. He wants to rugsweep and unfortunately rugsweepers are likely to do it again.

Hey Gracey. Sorry for the reason, but glad you're back.

I'm gonna be blunt with you.

Him being dismissive of your feelings AT ALL right now is an action.
Him stonewalling you is an action.
Him refusing to acknowledge your feelings or how his A impacted them is an action.
Him refusing to discuss the A is an action.

'Saying all the right things' really doesn't mean much after an A. That's why it's best to turn the volume all the way down on whatever they're saying with their facehole and look at what their ACTIONS are telling you. All of that action above is consistently telling you that your feelings don't matter to him, that he still feels like he was entitled to cheat, and that it's real inconvenient for him that you know about it and feel a way about it. So whoop or whatever that he will "tell ap where to go" (which I highly doubt he would because he clearly can't handle any amount of conflict) but IMHO he hasn't really done much of anything to help you his WIFE with recovery.

You know what else are actions?

Writing out a timeline.
Answering all A-related questions completely and non-defensively.
Utilizing an MC to help facilitate constructive discussions about the A.
Drafting a fuckoff letter to ap and letting you read it and watch him send it.
Asking you how he can help you with your recovery then following through with what you tell him.
Getting himself into therapy to dig into his whys.
Supporting you in your healing.
Reading everything he can get his hands on about affairs and how to help his wife heal.

For me when I was going through this my xwh said some right things, but as he was saying the things he was still in contact with ap, still researching 'poly lifestyles', still ignoring everything I sent him to read about what I was going through.... His actions said very clearly that he didn't give a toss about me, my feelings, our marriage, or any of it. I gave him 9 additional months after dday1 to get right and he never put ANY effort in to the right actions. Took me that long to believe what his actions were actually telling me.

If I could travel back in time and give my old self a hug and tell her some truth it would be this: Being alone is better than being in a relationship with someone who devalues you and steals your joy and peace with their bullshit. Life is too damn short and too damn precious to waste a second of it in that sort of misery.

My advice to you would be the same Gracey. I know it's so hard, but really really LOOK at the actions he is doing versus the actions of a WS who's actually doing the work of recovery and supporting their BS. Then dig in and get honest with yourself - is your wh actually doing ANY of it?

What EllieKMAS said!

Pin it!

Actions are (generally) the only way you can really know where you stand with someone else - they can tell you anything they want. My WH said all kinds of things after d-day 1 - turns out the A was still going, and went on for a year. My problem was that he was also DOING things that appeared like he was trying. He admits - now - that he did those things - things I said I wanted/needed from him to keep tricking me. He did the timeline, he blocked her on his phone, he sent the NC text/email, he went to IC. But all of that was part of larger scheme to trick me into letting down my guard. What he didn't realize was that due to his A my guard was going to stay up a lot longer than his resolve to "play the trick-me game" and ultimately his actions seemed less genuine and as I never believed his words at face value eventually I did some covert research and found out that indeed it was all a scam and caught him.

That being said, actions are generally the way to establishing trust. Words can be said and disregarded in moments. Actions either happen or they don't and as my own "case" establishes, even if done in dishonesty, long term actions generally will establish if you can trust your WS - which is what you really need.

You said:

WS is still very dismissive of the impact this has had on me. I guess I want to see if he is truly committed by giving me an action not just words. Any suggestions?

Start asking for things and see what happens. IMO it is not the lack of a timeline that bothers me in your situation (I never wanted one as I didn't want my WH to write one out so he could rely on it to concoct whatever story he had around to fit within it but he gave me one based on an assignment from his IC) - The problem for me would be if your WS refused to give you one upon asking. Same with the NC request to AP or whatever. If you want something and it is denied, that is potentially problematic, but maybe not.

For example:

Say you requested that the two of you move away immediately. Generally such a thing isn't something that realistically can happen overnight (it wasn't in my situation either although I wanted to for sure). And, in your situation, the fact that elderly parents requiring attention are located where you are, and the denial of any request to move base on that, isn't a "red flag" in and of itself. But, if the parents were located there and you were never involved in their care before, but now it's being used as an excuse to stay, that would be a concerning lack of action.

Things that require action that are actually ascertainable are easier to use as a guide: a timeline, a NC letter, a commitment to answer questions, or even to stop dismissing the impact the A had on you by doing things you need (so long as you say them outloud to WS - don't expect WS to be a mindreader - WH and I through this process realize we do not think the same way so things that seem obvious to one of us is often not obvious to the other in terms of emotional needs). So I would suggest ASKING for something and see what the response is from your WS.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:54 PM, Monday, September 11th]

Maybe you move away from the area. He can take care of his parents.

It’s called a separation. And you need to put yourself first at this point. Because he is not.

@Gracey,

Your situation is remarkably similar to mine, every time I tried to explain that I needed him to acknowledge the hurt he has caused, he accused me of "keep hitting him with a stick" meaning, he was more interested in his own feelings than mine, rug sweeping at it's very best. Just wanted to forget the whole thing and move on, it did get a little better for a while, but then got to the point that it was not possible to even raise the issue because of the defensiveness.

Stupidly, I agreed to try reconciliation and now find myself no further down the line, in fact worse! because the disrespectful behavior continues, I literally just posted today about one of those behaviors.

So sorry you are not getting the decency you deserve

Based on your join date, I would guess that it has been a couple years since initial discovery?

If so, why not give your WH 5 more years to show improvement? Maybe 10 years?

If the above suggestion does not sound good, it is because it isn't. The bottom line is there is no grace period, in my opinion, that should be given to our partner to show they want to become a safe, invested partner. Their work should start right away, and if you aren't seeing it, it is YOUR responsibility to protect yourself. You should be taking steps on getting out of infidelity(because that is where you still are, even though he isn't actively cheating) by learning what it would take to legally end your relationship, and to take steps toward that goal.

It is only when our partner is showing us......THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS......that they want to better themselves and the relationship, should we decide if we want to halt/slow down the process. What we should never do, again in my opinion, is just painfully wait and hope that it gets better. That is self-inflicting damage.

Your answers have all been very honest and I appreciate that. I am going to take the advice of asking for something specific and see what happens. I am probably not wanting to face the fact he just doesn’t care enough about me which after 35 years is hard to accept.

On a positive note I am much better at speaking up in the moment when I am getting crap behaviour or he is selfish.
I just cannot believe someone can suddenly stop caring when previously they were kind and loving. "Wow, who are you" is what I find my self saying over and over a lot of the time

@Gracey,

I am replying to with support and the fact that your situation is almost an exact mirror to mine.

I have also clearly set out what I need in order to feel safe again, not much of that has been forthcoming. The only improvement I have seen, is to listen to me rather than be defensive, but it has taken a very long time to even get that.

I also feel exactly the same way as you do, finding it hard to accept he no longer cares, it is hard to look that reality square in the face, but his behavior has taken a turn for the worse in other areas, I reached out for support in the SI family yesterday to try and understand why he is still being disrespectful in other ways, he has constantly been ogling/checking out other women in my presence, although I have calmly spoken about it, he continues to do it.

It is just me that is now finding the fact that he does not care about my feelings enough to stop, hard to accept.

But have come to the conclusion that it is the only reasonable explanation.

Have you tried talking/engaging regarding what you need?

@Gracey,

I am replying to you with support and the fact that your situation is almost an exact mirror to mine.

I have also clearly set out what I need in order to feel safe again, not much of that has been forthcoming. The only improvement I have seen, is to listen to me rather than be defensive, but it has taken a very long time to even get that.

I also feel exactly the same way as you do, finding it hard to accept he no longer cares, it is hard to look that reality square in the face, but his behavior has taken a turn for the worse in other areas, I reached out for support in the SI family yesterday to try and understand why he is still being disrespectful in other ways, he has constantly been ogling/checking out other women in my presence, although I have calmly spoken about it, he continues to do it.

It is just me that is now finding the fact that he does not care about my feelings enough to stop, hard to accept.

But have come to the conclusion that it is the only reasonable explanation.

Have you tried talking/engaging regarding what you need?

[This message edited by Dreamdaisy at 6:07 PM, Tuesday, September 12th]