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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Divorce/Separation :
Burned from the same flame twice

Topic is Sleeping.

 Muggle (original poster member #62011) posted at 6:38 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

Here I am again. Apparently I learned nothing, but suddenly I'm very aware of what the word "Mistake" really means, and there won't be a third time.

It means having a soft heart and letting the same person back into my life that hurt me the first time. Now I've wasted half my life on someone that never was worth it. My common sense told me to stay away, and I didn't listen to that nagging voice that told me I was going to get burned.

He was never faithful when we were together. We are both 60 and spent almost half our lifespan together not married. He had two affairs 6 weeks apart in 2018 and then married the second one. They knew each other 14 days when they got married.

We had an ugly common law divorce in 2019 where I got an excellent settlement and a paid off house. He was pissed and for a bit over 2 years we didn't speak, other than when he sued me and lost. That cost me $10,000 on top of the $25,000 for the attorney I hired for our divorce.

Eventually his rainbow turned to rain, and history repeated itself and he was no longer in love with her and wanted a divorce. She conned him. Over time he began to set the stage for being more than civil. He moved away from her on the east coast back to our hometown. He tried to seduce me but I wasn't having any part of it. Over the next 8 months in 2020 he kept repeatedly asking me to reconsider and give him a chance, that he made a mistake. He knew all the right things to say.

Eventually I agreed to date him in 2021, but I had boundaries. I wouldn't agree to him moving in. We lived separate. He offered 100% transparency and offered passwords and access to absolutely everything including his phone. For a bit I checked, and all was well for a time. We vacationed in Vegas, Hawaii, and Cancun.

I helped him through his divorce with the woman he left me for. It took 2.5 years to get his divorce, which was longer than their marriage lasted. I did everything, including making sure every single time she tried to slide something under the radar I sunk her boat. I was ruthless, and she got nothing. I found all her dirt and exposed it. She ended up bankrupt, but she and he kept a business together they started while married. I should have made him clean up his own mess, but I "saved" him once again.

I am working for him and my income is tied to him, and I loaned his business $35,000 and put almost $20,000 on my credit cards for his business. He's kept his word about paying it back in chunks. He has also agreed to pay me what I paid the attorney when he sued me, as well as make all the repairs on the house that needed to be done. He's almost paid off the credit card, and I have no concerns that he won't pay me. That much I'm confident of.

In June he went out of town for a huge job and was gone for over a month. When I would talk to him on the phone he never said "I love you" when I said it, and he came to town twice and didn't tell me or see me. Eventually I pressured him for an answer as to what was going on. He kept saying he wanted to talk when he got back that things were going down the same path as before with us. Once I cornered him he told me he wanted to be single, that I still had my job, and he wanted to part as friends with no drama. Unlike last time, he assured me that he would always be there and he loved me but didn't think he was the right person for me. He said he couldn't be the man I need.

He acted like it was nothing other than "we tried, it didn't work". He kept saying things like he had no plans to date, or do any of that. It it fell in his lap he might but he wasn't going to seek a romantic relationship, he was done. What a line of bullshit. He joined two dating sites within days.

The day after he told me on the phone he called two women that he had slept with almost 3 years prior to "clear the air". I felt like he punched me and it was not to "clear the air", but to see if either of them were available, and it was disrespectful of me. No real closure other than lets be friends. Neither of those women wanted anything to do with him, and he was "bummed". One of them was a 3 month fling where she used him, but it was "special" to him, and some of the best times of his life according to him. She was the one that couldn't be bothered to come see him when he had surgery, but I took care of him and I wasn't even involved with him then. I showed up when no one else did, yet he thought the sun rose and set with what I call "Bellevue Barbie". She was everything he imagined a trophy woman would be, but she didn't want him like he wanted her. Poetic justice at work.

He's been mostly friendly, helpful, and said he will be there if I need anything, but I can tell that will change. A couple of weeks ago I ended up in the same restaurant and he had me join him. I didn't know he would be there as he moved an hour away. Afterward he asked me to come spend the night, and I refused. He called and offered again the next night, and I refused. He didn't understand why I said no, since "we're both adults and that's what adults do". He was thinking of himself, after previously telling me we had no spark. Recently he tried again and I shut it down all the way, and since then he's been less friendly, more tart, and argumentative.

I feel stupid for thinking anything would change. I feel angry at times that I let him abandon me again. I hate the way it makes me feel, but I also know I'm the one in control of my life. I will move on. I won't dwell and it's not been anything like the last time. I don't cry, or spend hours dwelling.

I'm figuring out my life once again and I don't know if I will stay friends with him once he gets the money paid back, and the repairs done. I think I'll work until I retire and then I'll quit working for him without a single glance back. Until I can afford to do that I will have to learn to dance solo in the rain or sun and not worry about tomorrow.

I've given him the last moments I'll ever give, and I learned a HUGE life lesson. Once someone shows you their true colors, never give them the ability to hurt you again. Better to have let them go and heal. My own stupidity stole another 3 years of life.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: WA
id 8806775

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:33 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

Hopium is a powerful and seductive drug, and obviously you and your WS get along.
So you are not stupid. overly trusting… maybe. And from what you wrote, he never did the work.
And so he did not change.

And you know what? that’s okay. YOU are okay. And you will continue to be okay and soon you will be frickin’ great.
Nice job shutting down the bakery. Get your money back, play nice enough and work to get to that place sooner rather than later.
And maybe some IC to help you be kind to yourself and visualize your future.

Detach from him, get what he owes you, and go live your best life. You deserve it and it is never too late.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6025   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8806776

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:53 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

You learned a good lesson.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13950   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8806799

ANewPerson ( member #83728) posted at 4:27 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

The wasted years and time in False R has given me many a sleepless nights, shame, and sense of loss. I'm mid-fifties and have that same feeling now that I don't want to waste another moment on a hurtful past and a cruel person. These are very cruel and selfish people that take us into false R with lies and manipulation. I'm trying to turn to the future and turn those thoughts of waste around to the lessons, new boundaries, and insight to take away.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8806820

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:55 AM on Saturday, September 9th, 2023

So sorry, Muggle.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3482   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807092

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 11:04 PM on Saturday, September 9th, 2023

Muggle, I'm sending you a big cyber ((((hug)))). And a big pat on the back for sharing that with us. It's not easy to admit you've been had.

After my husband left me for the OW, I wasted the best years of my life on someone for 8 years, while he cheated on me, spent my money and treated me horribly in front of family and friends. I can't for the life of me figure out why I stayed that long. We weren't even married. And when I left he pursued me to the point of stalking charges for another 15 years. He died recently, very suddenly while mowing his grass because the city sent him a citation. I learned he was found draped over a garbage can in his yard. The city notified me that I was finally free of him.

I'm alone and happy. I still cringe at myself for that whole episode so I know how you feel. But I get quiet gratification in the most unusual ways. This man came from a huge politically connected family and he ran for congress himself twice. He lived for attention. And when he died, there was not a word about it. His own big important family didn't write an obituary or have a funeral. They just showed up and cleaned all the junk out of his house. They filled three roll off dumpsters.

You'll find that God has a way of cleaning house for us in better and more ironic ways than we could possibly dream of. And I learned that I don't need a man in my life. I'm happier and more successful without one. I wish that for you too.

posts: 1728   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8807149

 Muggle (original poster member #62011) posted at 12:43 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

I'm still wading through odd moments where I'm irrationally angry and bitter for a day. It's not the same all consuming version like it was in 2018 when this started. It's more of a "what a waste" feeling and knowing I can't move away and never speak to him again. I need the income and I'd never be able to earn the same elsewhere.

He's still trying to run game on me. The same man that didn't touch me for almost a year citing that he had no libido anymore, and told me we had no spark, has suddenly found his attraction. He turned me down that whole year because I brought up having money and wanted to have a business together and he claimed that crushed him. He then felt I was with him for security. Mind you I never asked him for money, he borrowed from me. When he thought he was getting some huge settlements I suggested a prenup if we got serious. He keeps what's his and I keep the house I got in the divorce. He seemed fine with that until his settlements all fell through and then he realized he wasn't going to have money and I still had the house.

When he was breaking up with me he emphasized that we would be platonic friends. After he made his dating rounds I assume with little success he seems to think I'm available. He's been making stupid, cheesy remarks about how nice my butt looks and pitching the "we're adults, why can't we just have sex with no commitment" speech. I shot that down in flames, and told him I'm not interested in friends with benefits or sleeping with anyone that's dating other people. He offered to wear a condom.

I now see him for who he really is. He's lonely, and probably hasn't found someone to sleep with. I'm not suddenly attractive to him, I'm just what's available and he thinks I'm lonely enough I'll take the bait. It just sounded desperate and sleezy. He me goes to the gym, is over the top vain and into anti aging vitamins and programs. I on the other hand "eat like crap", I don't enjoy the gym and have weigh 154 lbs. and am 5"3. I gained after menopause and he didn't find that extra 20lbs attractive enough to touch. I on the other hand loved him unconditionally even for the years he was a solid 40-45 lbs. overweight.

I'm not going to indulge him. He can go pound sand. Not wasting my time on a situation that goes no where. He would take what I gave and when he found someone that he found more attractive he would drop me like a hot rock and not look back. No point in that for me.

Twenty seven years is enough time to figure it out. Move along so someone that WILL love me can take your place. Alone or with someone it will be better than anything he offers. I owe it to myself to see what life can be like on my terms.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: WA
id 8807154

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:41 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

"These are very cruel and selfish people"

^^this comment by ANew is spot on.

I wasted decades and burnt myself letting EX (feels amazing to type this) husband stay in my life after DD1 to be able to burn my world to the ground post DD2

I would have had better luck walking into the average bar and choosing a random single man in my age range than going back to him.

Don’t beat yourself up. You are in good company. You now know better.

There are former waywards in this group I admire. They work hard on their whys. I admire that.

In EX WH’s case tho. Good luck to him. I am not planning to let him within 50 feet of me ever again. I think of him as dangerously radioactive to me. barf

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1663   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807258

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:42 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Also sending ((virtual hugs))

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1663   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807259

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 11:28 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

Muggle, I remember when you first came here. He had thrown you for such a loop. You were mixed up because you owned a business together (I think?) and he left you and immediately married the woman he cheated on you with after stringing you along for years.

I remember you helping him with his divorce, and hoping you wouldn't get entangled (any more than you already were) again.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this heartbreak again. Maybe it's what you really needed to see clearly again. To see him for who he really is.

I've always seen the strong side of you, so I know you will come out on the other side, wiser and happier.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8807855

 Muggle (original poster member #62011) posted at 1:57 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Some good insight from all of you.

FunHouseMirror You are correct. We weren't married for 23.5 years, he cheated in Nov 2017, we were working it out and he told me he loved me still and we'd sort it out. We lived apart for a couple of months while we sorted it out and on my Bday in Feb 2018 I found a photo of him in a bar with another woman. I ended our common law relationship. He flew her to Vegas, and in a span of 14 days he dated, proposed and married her. I did help him with his divorce from her 2 years later.

He's been back peddling since then but I deeply believe I'm only a stand in for the next woman if I allow him enough room to do it again. He made it plain that we weren't compatible, that he didn't want me as a wife this last time.

My epiphany is telling him after decades I hear him loud and clear. I now believe what he's said a hundred times to me. "I'm not the one for him". Just because he's revisiting his mistake doesn't mean anything has really changed. He told people the day he decided we weren't a couple again, and within 2 days was on dating sites. He claimed he wasn't "looking for anyone, but if it fell in his lap" mentality. I call BS.

I have some feelings for him deep down, which will never fully go away after a lifetime together. I have decided that I'm not willing to wait to be more. I deserve more, and I've always deserved it. I shouldn't have had to earn it, or jump through the hoops I've had to over the years. I deserved a man that was faithful, and he was weighed, measured and found lacking.

He's become so used to knowing I'll always be there he hasn't ever had to solve his own problems. A woman has always been there to help him. He finds a new woman often before he's left and you know it's over. When he can't find what he wants then he circles back

Enough is enough. Painful to be close enough to know what he does and see the financials to show it, but I'm going to have to get thicker skin and throw it in the fuck it bucket. I have to work, and sadly he's part of that equation and he knows it. I see him moving away at some point, and that will be the best for me in the long run. Out of sight, out of mind.

Distance is always good after divorce. I envy those that moved away and didn't look back.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: WA
id 8808661
Topic is Sleeping.
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