SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a venting post. I need to just vent my state of mind right now. I didnt even know where to post this.

You ever feel like you are going to have a total breakdown. I don’t know really what that entails…but I imagine it feels like you are completely helpless, overwhelmed and just can’t do it anymore. Thats how I feel right now.

Single mom of divorce. Ex is a classic cheating narc. Two kids, one is in HS the other freshman in college. Both kids in therapy because of the divorce and actions of their dad. Have a very stressful job. Just trying to raise my kids basically on my own and just survive.

I have had so much stress pile up on me lately. I feel like I can never catch a break. It just gets worse and worse.

My son chose a good college. Very specific to his major. I had a very serious talk with him about his major before he left. Wondering if it was a good idea. It is a major that does not have much job security. And explained how much he will have to pay back in loans. I was thinking maybe it was best he go to community college for 2 years. So he has some time to really decide what career he truly wanted. He refused to listen and said this was his dream. That he needed to get away and start over. So off he went. And I am thinking I am being a good mom…seeing him off to start anew and be happy pursuing his dreams.

Well now after a couole weeks he decides…he no longer wants to pursue this major, which would require him to change schools after this semester. This isnt horrible or tragic. It happens. But why couldn’t he have figured this out…BEFORE!!! Before he accepted two loans. Before he used all his 529. Before Before Before!!! Why can’t we all just catch a break!!!!!

I thought all the stress that led up to all this was over once I moved him in and I could finally breathe. But no…now it starts all over. Have to figure out how to transfer him to another school…how do the loans transfer…how to pay for first year of room and board since the 529 is gone. Oh and he will only have 2 gen ed classes to transfer since the other classes he is taking were related to his major.

One one end….I am glad he is switching majors. He honestly would need to in order to truly survive in our world, sadly. But I wish this was realized after at least a semester. After truly experiencing this school/major and then realizing it. But not after just a couple weeks. Come on!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried my very best to avoid this from happening. I try so hard to be a good supportive mom who provide everything she could. I feel guilty for not being honest right away, that maybe his dream wasnt truly a good idea in reality. Demand he go to community college. But how could I do that. He already has one crappy disappointing parent.

The years since the divorce have been so hard. It has affected all of us. My ex is just such a bad person. He tells my kids he will kill himself or tells them things like his cheating wasnt really that bad. Both kids went into therapy which helped. But it has been so hard trying to be there for them, absorb there stress and keep on surviving on my own.

My health and state of mind arent the best. The stress has brought on alopecia which is so hard to deal with especially as a woman. I dont get good sleep. I have gained weight even though I watch what I eat and work out. My job is beyond stressful but I cant change jobs cause the salary is hard to find elsewhere. I just feel trapped in this non stop circle of stress and hopelessness.

I am sure most of what I have said sounds like someone complaining about trivial things. That there are much worse things I could be experiencing. But I am just starting to really feel like I am doomed to live a life of sadness and stress. That maybe this is just plain karma. Karma I didnt think I deserved. That I should just accept it. That this is and will be my life.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It sucks, but it does get better.

It sounds like yourcson made a decision after ignoring some solid advice and now must shoulder the burden of his choices. He is an adult now. Why are you trying to fix this? It is just adding stress to your life. You can assist him in navigating things, but he should take point on this. It will be a valuable learning opportunity for him.

Jess, sorry you are struggling and the hits just keep coming. It is hard to take a step back and catch your breath when stress is all around. It is good to vent and helpful to acknowledge how much is on your plate and how unfair it all has been. You do deserve a break.

I'm not sure if it helps, but when I am at my limit I remind myself that I have endured many narrow and stressful passages and there has always, eventually been a way through for me. I hope that you are at the worst of your narrows and get some easing soon.

About your son and college. I can relate a little, as my child pursued a niche sport through high school with the dream of playing at the D1 level. That dream was achieved and exceeded, starting as a freshman and playing in the NCAA Championships. Turns out they hated collegiate sports and wanted to walk away from the full ride and the dream we had helped them pursue for years. We were adamant that was a huge mistake and refused to support the resignation or transfer, and told them they were on their own with this problem. Turns out our kid was serious, and made all the necessary arrangements to transfer to a closer school using their tuition savings plan and had it all arranged by the time we found out. Our bluff was called, but it all worked out in the end and was the right call for them. The benefit was they took on the burden of their choices, did all the work to make it happen and then, the next year when the euphoria wore off and the reality set in and it was no more fun being just a student than a student athlete, there was no one to blame for the choice and they bucked up and got through to their degree and a job in the chosen field. For the record, they don't like the career path and are looking to switch....

If I can offer advice, insist your son help share the burden of this poor choice, and share the workload and stress of this with you. Switching schools isn't easy, and loan paperwork is a pain, but so is most of adulthood. Break it down into component parts, make assignments for him to accomplish, and if he can't help, then he should consider living with the choice he has made. I worry yours may be a bit like mine - our motto for this kid is be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. And you won't be any happier than before. Also, it's never too early to start learning about the value of money, especially where inflated tuition and depressed job markets are concerned. Our other child decided college was not for them, and quit despite our protests. Things worked eventually, getting job experience instead of the classroom, and they out earn the BS degree by 30% doing work they love.

Good luck breaking down your stress into manageable pieces. You have been here enough to know the drill - hydrate, eat well, try to sleep, do the radical self care. Take time to breathe the stress out during the day and recenter yourself. Take care and good luck moving forward. We just never know with our kids, what the right call for their futures might be. But both of ours have made choices that made us crazy, and yet turned out better than ok in the end.

Hi Jess,
I went through a similar situation with my daughter who flunked out her second semester. She took a year to recalibrate and find a job, and I figured Community College would be a better option than the small super expensive private college. She's going back to the small expensive college, it turns out, so I am scrambling too.

Some payment options I am considering: interest deferred student loans (or subsidized loans), borrowing against my 401k or other investments (if you pay it back within a certain time there's no penalty). Your son will have to go on FAFSA again to figure out what he qualifies for but it's on him now to help you figure out a solution.

Reading what you wrote, the stress of abandonment is palpable. You feel you have to figure out every small problem on your own, pay for it on your own, and have no viable co-parenting partner. It's a terrible feeling, I know, this nonstop circle of stress and hopelessness.

From where I sit, you're a badass, a survivor. These issues with your son's education will sort themselves out over time. Uncertainty is reality. Think about that. You don't need to have all the answers now.

The bigger issue is your daily stress level and the need for self-care amid all this uncertainty. I have been there, and unless you take care of yourself, you can' take care of your children or anyone else in your life. So my advice is to take a day or two for yourself to pause, take time and breathe. Begin to construct a new narrative which may begin with gratitude that you have emerged from betrayal and abandonment to be financially independent and to figure out this journey on your own. You had a bad few days. It gets better. Promise.

These are not trivial and your turmoil is understandable with an ex that tells his kids he would kill himself. What a selfish ass.

As far as your son and college. You already have some good ideas here. The only thing I have to add is you already contributed with the 529 and offered to pay for community college first.

In my case I told my son the absolute total amount I would contribute over four years, but he would be paying back 1/2 of what ever he used, interest free. (not including 529) This way he had skin in the game. I was also clear I would not be co-signing for any loans. So he had a clear number of the finite money available from day one. Just an idea going forward since you are still four years out.

I am sorry your son pulled this but he is not the first student to do this. Free money isn't as respected, and I have a feeling he just didn't internalize the extent of the waste since the money was just 'there'. (Natural human reaction) It is also so hard at that age to know what they want, I guess it's better he figured it now instead of further in.

Take care.

Single Mom here, got my son graduated finally!
I’m prob in the minority, but Community College is not the way to go for a lot of students. People say, "oh go there and get the basics out of the way". But wait-a lot of majors have specific basics not offered at the Community College. Plus at the Community College they have a very high withdrawal and SL failures to repay, so many times the funds aren’t dispersed until way into the semester. And a high withdrawal number is not where u want your son to be!
Your son prob has had time to think and he knows what he wants now. Try to help him get there. Make it clear any and all debts you take on for him are his to repay, but he should be able to get a lot of aid. Also, you prob can still claim him on your taxes and get the Earned Income Credit with him.

After his Sophomore Year, he should get many grants from the School he is in. My son grad with a degree from a Div1 school, hated the job he got, but with that degree so many spectacular jobs have opened up for him not in his field, but they require a degree. Hes now making a ton of money in his new job, but the main thing is he got the job he wanted bc he had a degree. He has already paid back a big chunk of student loans.

Hang in there you are doing great. One day they’ll tell you they knew you always wanted the best for them. ❤️

Former university counsellor here. Stop doing the work for your son. He is an adult. He made a decision that did not pan out the way he envisioned. It happens. Better to abandon a major that now holds no interest. To d continue would be a waste of time and money. But ..... he needs to own his decisions and the consequences of them. You will do him no favours to fix it for him. Be there to offer a sounding board but this is his to figure out.
My own son started a degree at my university Free tuition. He did not enjoy the program and transferred to college. On his dime. Then three years after getting his diploma and working, he knew he had made a mistake and went back full time to complete his undergraduate degree at an online university while working full time. Again, on his dime and loans and grants and scholarships and bursaries. He just graduated with his masters this year. And his comment to me on that day was "thank you for insisting that i do this on my own".

I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. It sucks to feel that way. I get the "endless treadmill of stress" feeling.

Just remember that there is A LOT of power in establishing small manageable things for you to look forward to. Last year, after disclosure, I went ahead and just scheduled myself some Fridays off months in the future, just so I would have some rest to look forward to. I am a special ed teacher so it’s not easy at all to take time off … I need to have notes and a lesson plan ready to go for the sub, etc. The students might get a bit off track in their learning and when I get back I’ll need to correct for that. But I’ve found it’s still worth it. Having that time on the books helps motivate me. And I focus on the fact that I am blessed to be at a school that has a reasonable and generous PTO policy (many don’t). And then on that day I do whatever the hell I want … sleep, drink coffee in bed while watching shitty TV, get together with a friend for lunch. Maybe you could do the same? Just don’t, under any circumstances, spend that time working out things for your son or planning things for your son and plan it out for future months so you have something to look forward to. You deserve it … you are a hard working mom and you’ve been through a lot!