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Newest Member: Zinnea218

Just Found Out :
Just discovered our marriage was a lie (serial cheater)

Topic is Sleeping.
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 confusedparis30 (original poster new member #83799) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

Recently found out my hetero husband of 7 years (we also have a child together) went to a gay/bi/TS sauna and I'm not sure what to think.

For context, last month I've discovered he was cheating on me for 5 years with asian massage parlors, street prostitutes, friends, women he met and payed to have sex via Telegram, dating apps, and so on. This was shock, of course. I'm 11 years younger than him, 30yo, fit, with a good career, and supposedly very good looking.

In the hopes of coming clean, since he lied to me for many years and still doesn't disclose it all, he confessed this week to have visited a gay sauna last year (very famous in our city).

He told me he went during the afternoon, because he was passing by and wanted to have a relaxing hamman time. He said that he didn't know what was it about, and asked at the entrance if it was a mixted sauna. Looking by the pictures, it looks very much a club, red lights, BDSM room, porn video room, and so on. How could he pretend to not know?

He said he took the clothes off, put the towel and went to the first room with 3 people, including a TS. He tried to talk to them, but nothing happened. Then he went to another room and said he chatted with a guy asking if he was coming there often etc. Then he said he moved to the video room and found another empty sauna room, where he said he was alone. Then he was very horny alone there, and jerked off.

I'm lost, as he said to me he went there to relax because of the sauna aspect. I told him there are thousands of spas and that from the very few gay saunas, he went to one of them by choice.

He said he did not know still, and that he was somehow curious inside but didn't do anything, and that everyone had towels on and nothing sexual was happening. Finally he said that he jerked off completely alone there and that was it. I believe he went there knowing and looking for something. He denies.

Finally, he also told me that last year he was chatting with a TS to meet up and play music. He told me the person was telling him about transitioning and that he didn't care about it, only the music chat. Even though, he seemed curious and they were chatting to meet up in a park to play music. He told me they never met because the person didn't feel comfortable to play music in public with him? I didn't understand and have the hint that something is off.

Lastly, he also told me that 10 years ago, when he was in a work trip, he payed a prostitute and only after at her place, he discovered she had a penis. Then he proceeded because "why not". He told me she only gave him a BJ and he gave one back. Then she proposed other things but he said he denied and went away.

He also told me that before that, 15 years ago, he was smoking weed outside his place at night and a man passing by the street offered him a BJ out of nowhere. He accepted right there. There was also another gay episode during that time prior to meeting each other that he invited a man to go to his place, they kissed and gave BJ to each other.

He also said that in addition to hetero porn, he maybe accidentally stumbled upon TS porn while masturbating and found that curious and "maybe" watched it sometimes.

Other surprise was discovering that he also tries to give himself a BJ. I'm a bit naive, and didn't even know this was possible :) be nice with me. After reading some posts, I've realized that most men say that giving yourself a blowjob is more about the feeling of sucking a penis rather than being sucked.

Kindly asking you guys what you think, since I'm biased and rather surprised with all of this, because there was a heavy cheating (both physical and emotional) involving all kinds of women, mainly asians. But now, I'm trying to understand how the last details and uncovered info fit this. He said he's straight, doesn't feel atttacted by people with penis, and have no attraction or desire for any men or TS.

Am I naive to think this is possible?

Thank you so much for tour kind responses :)

I'm heartbroken for all the destructions his serial cheating and gaslighting have caused, but now he is begging for pardon. He shared his bank account etc, in the hopes of making me feel better. But in reality I discovered the amount of cash he withdraw to use with sex workers (street prostitutes, telegram prostitutes, asian massage parlors aka prostitution, dating app subscriptions, sex house, gay/trans sex sauna (he said it was only once for curiosity last year). Not only, but he also has cheated emotionally on me with old colleagues, flirting with coworker, and building strange hidden relationships with other girls while we were married.

Any input is welcome.

Kindly

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2023   ·   location: Fr
id 8806090
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:22 PM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

Hi Confused,

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. Infidelity is the worst. At the top of the forum, you will find some pinned posts that are helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of information, including a list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, you will find some threads that may be more specific to your situation, such as emotionless infidelity (prostitutes) and more.

You will want to make an appointment with your doctor for STD/STI checks, and your WH, too. Who knows what diseases you've been exposed to. Some of them are life-threatening. If you need something to help you sleep, you can ask about that during your appointment.

Your WH (Wayward Husband) should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is a starting point for some of the work he will need to do. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Serial cheaters have a tough time changing to be a safe partner because the behavior is built into who they are. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it is a lot of work. You will need to watch his actions and not listen to the words he's saying. Many WHs say they want to stay with us BS, but their actions don't match their words.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3461   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8806093
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:29 AM on Friday, September 1st, 2023

Your husband is obviously bi. He is also a serial cheater. I realize I have become much more outspoken recently but in cases like yours I don’t see any way around this. This is who he is. This is what he does. He should never have married. He does not appear to have the monogamy gene.
My suggestions are to get tested, see a lawyer, get into therapy and plan a life away from this.

There is another poster who found out the secret life of her husband and each day was a new horror. I hope she posts here.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4253   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8806101
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:40 AM on Friday, September 1st, 2023

Does it matter? He obviously is bi-curious at the very least, and he’s shown he will cheat on you with anyone.
It doesn’t matter what gender/sex, but that he is still lying and been continuously lying for many years. These are dangerous activities he is engaging in and putting your health at risk.

(And yeah, he knew the sauna was a gay sauna. I LOVE spas and frequent them. None have video or porn rooms. NONE. And the music story doesn’t make sense.)

I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself and make sure to get the STI/STD tests.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6007   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8806106
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:22 PM on Friday, September 1st, 2023

Whatever your Husband’s sexual preferences are, is irrelevant.

If you desire a relationship where you are both monogamous— he’s not the guy for that type of relationship.

He has excuses and reasons for his actions and justifies his cheating.

Honestly — unless he commits to counseling and is willing to work with a professional who specializes in sexual addictions etc., I don’t think you will have a happy marriage with someone who has as many issues as he has.

It doesn’t appear he is committed to monogamy (no matter what he says). His actions overrule his words. If he’s not running for professional help, he is just lovebombing you right now.

And once he thinks he can get away with it, he most likely will cheat again.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8806129
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, September 1st, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI.

You've gotten great advice so far.

Your husband is a serial cheater. They rarely, if ever, change.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to meet with several attorneys. Gently, you've been living a lie for pretty much your entire marriage, your husband is not only a cheater but a master liar with his BS excuses that are truly unbelievable. rolleyes I agree with other posters, he's bi and is still hiding his sexuality from you.

You deserve so much more than this sh*t sandwich he is trying to make you eat repeatedly. So sorry. sad

A huge hug......

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8806238
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 10:43 PM on Friday, September 1st, 2023

What breaks my heart for you is how young you still are, and honestly, turning around a serial cheater is so difficult. You could end up wasting your youth and vitality on someone who eventually reveals himself to be undeserving of grace.

So many of us have been where you are now in terms of the post d-day lovebombing. The crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises of change look and sound so convincing, so real, and more often than not, it turns out that the WS is still winding you up, that you still don't have the full truth, or NC with affair partners, or transparency. Sometimes, the WS gets it and they manage to get their head on straight, but with serial cheaters, so often we have BS's back here, five, ten, twenty years later with a new betrayal.

I'm not saying all this to discourage you, only to give you an idea of what a monumental change you'd need to see so that you don't waste your good years. There is always a path untaken when we make a big choice like this one, and down that path might be a partner who would never betray your love and trust.

The WS you're describing is a major project. He's indiscriminate, reckless, perfidious. My advice to you would be to try and separate your emotional response to the lovebombing from your logic, to use your head and not your heart. The lure of the status quo, particularly when there are children involved is so strong. Add the drama from a WS who's trying his best to manipulate a decision in his favor, and it's a tough spot to be in.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Have faith that you'll get through it. We've been there, and we're still standing.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7060   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8806307
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 12:37 AM on Saturday, September 2nd, 2023

Likely I am going to post Words you don’t want to hear i reckon, and I am sorry.

Leave. Go. This won’t stop. It won’t change. He is jeopardizing your mental and physical health, and no matter what he says, it’s so unlikely he will change.

You didn’t do anything that caused this, you’re not at fault, it’s all on him, but it’s not going to work. He isn’t who you thought he was, nor is he who he probably thought he was either. It hurts, and it sucks, but it’s not worth it.

He will likely give you sob stories and "remorse" for a little while, and then back to old habits. This is the "once a cheater always a cheater" origin story.

And why? Why try and make this work when he clearly cares more about getting his rocks off vs anything that you want?

Don’t fill your head with the hope of making it work, it won’t. Guys like him will never change. Ever.

Me mid 40s BHHer mid 40s WW1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.in R, getting by

posts: 372   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8806312
Topic is Sleeping.
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