SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello people of SI. I am in need of your wisdom and advice as I deal with continued nonsense from STBXWH, setbacks with the divorce, and setting up for mediation.

First problem is the exhaustion and anger with money inequality. I am feeling extremely burnt out due to single parenting, working 2 part time jobs to make ends meet (while still having time to care for my child), and dealing with a STBXWH who continually fails to follow through on visitation/parenting promises. I don't know what to tell my son when he asks, "Why is Daddy buying himself more toys again?"

Second issue is the constant attacks/attempts to make me the villain by STBXWH. I have to keep stuffing my frustration down because I have to seem like the sane parent for divorce/mediation, but how do I continue keeping it up when dealing with this utter nonsense along with the third issue?

Third problem is the constant disappointments for the divorce and mediation. I was supposed to be divorced back in July but STBXWH lied about giving the OK for it with his lawyer and signed a request to give him more time to respond. He's also gone back on his word in his reply to the mediation paperwork. He said he wanted everything but my car. I don't want my child to see how afraid I am for our future, but it's so damn hard.

I'm already in therapy and have been since STBXWH left. While it is a good place to rant about things going wrong I still have intense times of lost hope, no energy, and extreme anger. Any advice for dealing with lack of security, being utterly drained, and everything else I've mentioned would be helpful. Even hearing I'm not the only one who's in this type of situation would make me feel less lonely.

Edit: condensed much of my rant made in frustration so it's easier to read.

[This message edited by Kanashii at 2:10 AM, Tuesday, August 29th]

Sorry about the unfortunate turn in events, Kanashii. But with people like your ex, their very goal is to wear you down until you cave.

Document all the sh!t he’s doing. Keep it as neutral as possible, but keep a record of everything.

Make sure to get any future agreements in writing so he can’t go back on it.

As for him wanting everything, he can certainly ask. Doesn’t mean he’ll get it.

Hang in there. If there’s a place or activity where you can vent out/release your frustration like kickboxing or the like, it might help.

1. You should speak to your attorney if your STBXWH does not take his parenting time. This assumes that overnights are involved, meaning that child support (in my location) is based on the number of overnights that you have versus the number of overnights that he has. If he's already skipping out on his overnights, you should talk to your attorney about increasing child support. The courts are usually not a fan of parents who skip their parenting time. This is especially true if your divorce is not final yet (it's much more complicated post-divorce).

2. If your STBXWH is just skipping out on non-overnight time... then there is really nothing that you can do about that. If he is spending his money on stuff rather than on his child... then there is nothing that you can do about that, either. HOWEVER, be very careful to not disparage your STBXWH in front of your child because that's walking down the line towards parental alienation. Essentially, you need to either dodge the question or give an honest but non-disparaging answer. For example: (a) your father gets to spend his money the way that he wants, or (b) why don't you ask your father that question?

The simple answer with the parenting situation is to let your child reach their own conclusions about their parents. It'll take time, but it works out just fine. Basically, just focus on YOU being the best parent that YOU can be. Don't worry about him. In fact, you should root for him to be a good parent (at least with your internal dialogue).

For example, my (now) wife's ex is an alcoholic. We never said no to taking her kids for extra parenting time, even though we knew it was so that he could drink. We gently explained why their father was in the hospital one time... but now... we high-five the guy, literally, as he hits 30... 60... 90... days of sobriety.

Anyway, just be the best you. It might seem insufficient, but it is... and that's all that you can do anyway.

(yes, I have been in a lot of therapy).

First problem is the exhaustion and anger with money inequality. I am feeling extremely burnt out due to single parenting, working 2 part time jobs to make ends meet (while still having time to care for my child), and dealing with a STBXWH who continually fails to follow through on visitation/parenting promises. I don't know what to tell my son when he asks, "Why is Daddy buying himself more toys again?"

Do you have a separation agreement whilst the divorce goes through the process? Some of this should be spelled out there. My X failed quite a bit on the visitation thing in multiple ways. My son was likely a bit older then your child so it was easier to talk through stuff with him, but when he asked questions like yours did and I didn't know for sure the why, I told him I didn't know why. That was more true then anything else I could have said.

I have to keep stuffing my frustration down because I have to seem like the sane parent for divorce/mediation, but how do I continue keeping it up when dealing with this utter nonsense along with the third issue?

Any advice for dealing with lack of security, being utterly drained, and everything else I've mentioned would be helpful. Even hearing I'm not the only one who's in this type of situation would make me feel less lonely.

For all the emotional things, frustration, anger, loneliness, apathy and feeling like the world is on your shoulders, I turned to music to help me deal with it. Not so much listening to it, as I found that just amplified whatever I was felling at the time, but writing it. Nothing good or anything I'd hand over to someone else to listen to. The act of creating and putting things together to show what I was feeling helped me process things. It was pretty cathartic. Is there anything you like to do that you can use to express these things? I'd probably lean into that when needed.

As far as the financial part and lack of security. Things can get better. Some of it may take time. When my excursion into this started I was a fulltime student without even a part time job. I did so IT related stuff under the table and on the side, coupled with the GI Bill. At the time, my X controlled all the bank accounts etc. So when this started I had nothing to fall back on. I got an entry level job that sort of dealt with a field I was good at, put my head down and now I probably make more then her and her AP combine. A lot of it was putting one foot in front of the other and just moving forward.

Thank you all for commenting.

@Forks027: I'll try to get more of our agreements in writing from STBXWH from now on. He still goes back on many things he's agreed on that's written down, but at least I'll be able to prove he said he'd do something. I'm still looking into what I can do for a release of frustration/tension.

@barcher144:I have full physical and legal custody of our child due to safety concerns. STBXWH's visiting time is supervised visitation. He is not allowed to be alone with out child due to some things he did last year and continued issues with his mental health. My lawyer said - other than documenting when he does not show/use his visitation - there is nothing I can do about it. It will take me a while to get to the point I can root for him to be the best parent he can be since I'm still too close to the problem behaviors and it's affecting my child. Maybe in a few years when the dust settles and the situation is stable?

@DigitalSpyder: "I don't know" has been my go to as well for my child asking "why does dad do XYZ?" I still hate that this is the only answer I have for my child. There is no separation agreement. I've been hoping mediation and the divorce would be the beginning of my getting some stability because STBXWH has refused to do the separation agreement/splitting of most assets. He'd been telling others we were trying to reconcile -which was not true. It's awesome that you've come this far yourself by pushing through.

How long were you married and what age is your child?

What he wants and what he's entitled too are two entirely separate things. Most divorces end up dividing up assets and debts and they balance out this process by "equitable distribution". This means it may not be equal, it might be 20/80, 50/50 60/40 or any combination based off income earning potential and wages each person makes.

If he keeps blowing off visitations file for sole custody and during the entire process keep detailed records. Dates he's missed visitation, reason he gave why he gave, and dates you spoke to him.

During mediation the money inequality will come up and that's the time to dig in and be ready for the fight of your lifetime. This is MMA style, leave no survivors and get what you're entitled to. LOL

My attorney said it's all about three things for the most part. What do you have, what is it worth and whose getting it. You sound like you have a younger child that will need a multitude of things over time. Daycare, school supplies, out of school activities, and an adequate income to support your child.

If your incomes are far apart you may get more of the equitable distribution. Gather everything of importance that show income, and who makes what. If it happened during your marriage with the exception of an inheritance, almost everything is considered marital property no matter who makes the payments or who bought it. If you don't have a prenup then he's out of luck. He doesn't get to dictate how things will unfold.

Depending on your child's age, don't forget to include things that may not come to mind for the future. Get it in writing that he will provide child support for college reserved in case it's needed. Think of everything that may come up in the future, such as cell phones, car insurance and school sports, music, or things you might not need until teenage years. It's hard to think that far in advance if your child is younger, but if it's not enforceable I can almost guarantee you he will leave you holding the bag later.

Prepare to be aggressive but reasonable. If you get this sorted out make sure it's iron clad for details. Do not forget to have enforceable repercussions if he doesn't comply or doesn't pay. The details will be important. Due dates, and how long it takes before you can take legal action. Payments made need a specific date, (1st of the month etc). If you forget the details it will give him the ability to take advantage.

My attorney forgot to indicate when my Ex's settlement payments had to be made. It should have been the 1st day of the month, and that small detail allowed him to make it on the last day of the month. My first payment was 42 days after the one before. All payments after that couldn't be enforced unless 30 more days late, and he paid me late each month, on the 28th day after it was due. This made me wait a couple of days short of 6 weeks between payments, and I could do nothing.

I know where you're at. I've been there but it will calm down eventually. Hang in there. I know it's hard and its exhausting.

Thanks for the insight muggle! Writing them down now as I know I'll need a lot of what you've mentioned.

My divorce went through last Tuesday, which means that we were married for 10 years. My son is 5 years old and while we were married my ex kept putting barriers in the way for me to be able to get work outside the home. I'll definitely be fighting the good fight at mediation when it comes to child support/possible alimony payments and appreciate the suggestion of having a deadline for him to give payments. Will have to get in touch with the lawyers to see when mediation can take place. Hopefully we can have everything done and split before the new year.

I feel much lighter now that I'm no longer legally the Mrs. of Mr. Petty Pants. My son and I have been taking small steps in the right direction for life after divorce. Have health insurance lined up and ready to go for me starting next month. I will probably put the request in mediation that the Ex keep our child on his insurance at work. I also took my son on his first visit to a county fair in the past week and he loved every minute of it!

My Mediation date is set for 11/1. I am terrified as I don't know if my son and I will get to keep our home - which has been my primary fear for over a year when I separated from XWH. Either way, I should hopefully know before thanksgiving and be able to make a plan for stabilizing my son's life when I know more of what I have to work with. I'm writing down muggle's suggestions of what to bring up for mediation. Does anyone else have input for topics I might miss when trying to get things settled?

Remember, you don't have to agree to anything in mediation. Find what is important to you and what is that not that important. Stand firm on what's important and be prepared to give a little on what is not. But you can always walk away and let the court decide what the split is.