SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, WS here, D-Day was about a month ago. Without going too into detail as I've posted my story here multiple times, I sexted other men. I struggle with a lot of compulsive sexual behaviors due to sexual abuse that I never adequately got help for.

My partner doesn't like the therapist we initially picked when D-Day happened. I'm struggling to help him find a new one.

He says his biggest problems right now are feeling anger and feeling hurt, and not knowing how to handle these emotions at the intensity he's feeling. He says he doesn't want to be mean to me and he's worried he is. He isn't, he's just been irritable lately, which I don't take personally at all.

What should I be looking for in a therapist to help with something like this? I think he's most frustrated that she just seems to listen and reaffirm that yes, that sounds hard. He needs someone to be more proactive and recommend coping skills and such.

Any advice for particular things to be on the lookout for would be very helpful. Thanks in advance.

Myself, for an individual therapist I would look for a clinical psychologist with post grad quals from a reputable university, who was comfortable with cognitive behavioural therapy.

If I was also looking to reconcile with my spouse, I would look for some Gottman training.

A betrayal trauma specialist with experience with infidelity, a therapist with a specialty in grief, EMDR. The Gottman therapists I've checked out have been MCs, and it sounds like he's not ready for MC yet.

As the WS, you shouldn’t be involved in the IC selection process for your BS. There should be any bias (or even the perception of bias) in your favor. In order for IC to be effective, your BS needs to be able to articulate his goals for therapy and find someone with whom that he feels comfortable.

You also need to keep in mind that IC is going to be about him, not about you. While there’s a possibility that IC could help your reconciliation, your husband may come to the conclusion through the course of therapy that it’s in his best interest to leave you.

Hi Redwood, I agree 100% with "StraightUps"comment and will suggest a further step.

If you go to the Gottman Institute web site and poke around there you find a list of Gottman trained therapist along with contact info. This is how I found mine. Some therapists offer sessions via zoom type meetings so distance isn't an issue. Again this is how we do our sessions.

What ever you do don't give up on the therapy, somehow find one you click with, I'll also add, one with trauma experience.

I had a disastrous experience a couple years after d day with tradition marraige counseling. (Wayward wife wouldnt go), Conunseller was no help to me the betrayed, rugs wept for 30 years, then a major trigger sent me back to the time of infidelity. Maybe worse than original d day.

It's been 9 months working with my Gotman trained, therapist, working on Ckgnitive Behavioral therapy, currently writing a trauma narrative on some growing up issues. First responder stuff that ran concurrent with the infidelity. Very very helpful. Don't let these feelings bottle up too long. It could develop into full blown PTSD. When it comes back it hits really hard.

This type of help didn't exist when I was mid twenties. No where to turn. So much help is is available now, take advantage of it.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I should clarify that he asked for help finding a therapist, and I'm not finding "the one" for him more just compiling some people into a list for him to look at to jump start his own search. We are not looking for couples counseling at the moment as he feels he is not ready. I appreciate all the suggestions for what to look for.

My own individual therapist has been amazing through all this and I'm so glad I have her. I want him to have a similar experience.

I should add that I don't care if this helps him realize he'd be happiest without me. I don't want him to bottle his feelings up and feel worse.

[This message edited by redwoodforest at 4:31 PM, Friday, August 25th]

To the extent a BS asks for help - give it.

I agree with this:

A betrayal trauma specialist with experience with infidelity, a therapist with a specialty in grief, EMDR.

I would say to have your BS talk to various counselors - to discuss their concerns/needs/what they are hoping to address. I know my WH went through this process when his IC retired and he had to look for someone else. While he took some of the recommendations that his retiring therapist made, he talked to a lot of them before selecting someone. The right fit is key.

I agree that someone trained in dealing trauma is the best choice. I believe that not understanding the impact of infidelity trauma is what caused me to revisit everything 20 years later. Many of the BSs who "relapse" have unresolved trauma.