SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here is my question du jour. It's not meant in a "I am to blame" way, but in a way where I suppose I take back control of where I ended up rather than feeling like a passive passenger.

I have spent a long time reading. My exWB did basically everything wrong in R, but then so did I.

- He never did the work
- He broke NC probably 10 times
- He slept with the AP again during R because we had a fight
- He took a YEAR after DDay to block the AP and have completely no contact
- He broke every promise
- He blames me for not getting over it
- He said the books and the forums were BS and he wasn't doing it

He did everything wrong - but I stayed through all that. I didn't just stay. If I am honest with myself, yes, I definitely gave him hell and cried and screamed and shouted. But:

- I never left for more than a week
- I continued to have sex with him
- I continued to buy him gifts and look after him and be kind and loving
- I let him rug sweep
- I stayed committed and faithful
- I tolerated the broken promises
- I even comforted him when he was pining for the AP

I was not in ANY way assertive. I didn't stand up for myself. I had absolutely no boundaries. I almost let my life resolve around him and the A. I was all mouth and didn't actually act, ever.

Now is the only time in three years I said NO.

People will say you have no self-esteem and so on. I honestly don't think that's true. I had very high self-esteem. I liked myself. I was successful. Great friends. Great life and I was really proud of who I was and felt very deserving of good things.

So I am asking myself why I did these things.

Partly shock - I believe I was so completely traumatised and had so many mixed messages and so much trauma day after day with the next revelation that I think I was mentally paralysed.

Partly denial - it was impossible for me to believe he didn't love me and wasn't a person of good character. This belief was so ingrained in me that I struggled to accept reality.

Partly fear - I think I was worried if I ended it and disappeared that he would end up with AP. For some reason this felt like her "winning", when I felt she had already taken everything from me.

Partly bargaining - I did not want to accept this was my "story". I wanted to overcome it, so I didn't live my whole life being the poor cow this happened to.

Partly cognitive dissonance - I think I separated him in my mind into monster vs angel and struggled (still do) to align the two. After all this time I still DO NOT BELIEVE he did all the things he did.

Has anyone else really let themselves down? I have read so many posts where people are saying they set their boundaries and stuck to them and I feel a deep sense of betrayal of my values and my core that I did not.

Will the fact I finally left and finally held my boundaries restore something in me?

I am also remembering that he visited me to make a tearful and really heartfelt plea that he would do anything and everything I wanted and needed and would stay completely NC with the AP. He wrote her a letter and all with me there. Then within less than two weeks, he ran into her while drunk and went for a long, private emotional talk.

Then one similar blip followed every couple of weeks and each time he would call it a "mistake" and beg forgiveness.

I look back on that and wonder - what would have happened if I had left after that? If I had completely cut him off? Like IMMEDIATELY walked away.

Would he have realised I was serious and be snapped out of being such a selfish dick?

Honestly, I think no. I think he would have run into the arms of AP and would probably still be with her wallowing in mutual toxicity.

Will the fact I finally left and finally held my boundaries restore something in me?

Definitely will restore you. You will get yourself back. Leaving my xWS was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I allowed all the emotional abuse, A’s, didn’t have hard boundaries and if I did I didn’t keep them. My reason was being so paralyzed by the fact I didn’t want to break up my family. My mental health suffered instead and so did my physical health. In the end I realized the only person who could save me from the hell I was in was me. And that is strength to be able to leave and not go back. It takes a really strong person to do that. Give yourself grace you’ve been through trauma and had to recover yourself by yourself.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:08 AM, Wednesday, August 23rd]

People will say you have no self-esteem and so on. I honestly don't think that's true. I had very high self-esteem. I liked myself.

Partly bargaining - I did not want to accept this was my "story". I wanted to overcome it, so I didn't live my whole life being the poor cow this happened to.

(
(Gently))I'm having a hard time squaring these two above statements. I don't know high self-esteem folks who refer to themselves as "cow". Again, not saying it to be harsh, but I hope you can see the point I'm making, your negative self-talk is not helping you and it could be indicating that your self-esteem is a bit more bruised and battered than you want to or care to admit. That is completely fine and normal at this stage, what you have been through is a trauma and it is okay to not be okay. What matters now is not that you are struggling with all this, because all of us have been there and struggled like yourself, but rather that you start taking tangible steps forward towards your new life.

Be kind to yourself, your R never truly had a chance, but you just didn't have the tools or knowledge to know that. It took me coming to SI to fully understand that R is a truly precious gift that very few waywards are truly worthy of receiving. You can forgive yourself for not knowing that your XWB wasn't a good candidate for R, you had no way of knowing at the start. You choose to believe in the good nature of another human being and that kind of optimism is still a very valuable commodity in this world, so don't let this experience deter your outlook on life, but rather let it inform you as to when it is time to cut bait and run.

Look, I've been saying it to you for a few days and I mean it, you should be proud of yourself and give yourself some grace, you did eventually snap out of it and stand up to him. You have set a hard boundary and enforced it, you left him for good. What happens to him and his AP is of none of your concern. The best revenge to a cheater is a life well lived, whatever that looks like for you. Take care of yourself. Learn to love being in the presence of the only person you can rely on, you know, the one you look at in the mirror each day, yourself. You will heal and get over this trauma, it will take time, but putting one foot forward each day will help you put distance between yourself and this trauma and in time I hope you will find the self-forgiveness that you deserve. There was no action that you could've taken which would've changed the outcome. In fact, my only regret for you is that you didn't find us here much sooner, as I'm sure that the collective wisdom of SI would've helped you realize who he was much sooner and saved yourself a prolonged and false R situation.

As you move forward and out of infidelity into your next chapter of life, it is natural to reflect and look back on the one that just closed, despite how painful it was. There is value in those ruminations and lessons that you can take away, and that is what I would really encourage you to think about. Frame it as a learning experience. You learned a lot about what you can take and put up with, you are a tough cookie if you put up with all the voluminous shit that you took from this last guy. Assuming at some point down the road you want to give love and relationships another try, I'm hoping that you can learn what traits and aspects about this guy should've been red flags that you ignored. As folks say around here, your "picker" needs to be worked on. I'm way ahead of myself, as that is another conversation for another day, because things are still so raw, but if you have the end goal in mind of finding a healthy and loving relationship down the road, maybe that is just the kind of long term goal you need to set for yourself and it begins with a self-healing and growth journey for you.

I have read so many posts where people are saying they set their boundaries and stuck to them and I feel a deep sense of betrayal of my values and my core that I did not.

You just did.

Will the fact I finally left and finally held my boundaries restore something in me?

I think so, yes. You finally stood up for yourself and said NO MORE to the nonsense - his and yours. That's big. BIG.

I just got a message to say he's in hospital with myocardial ischaemia. He's been saying he had chest pains for ages but I thought it was stress of all of it. Plus he tends to play sick as a manipulation tactics. I've spoken to him, but I'm not going to go to him. It feels really strange.

Wow. That's tough. I'm glad you're staying strong and I'm glad he's getting the help he's evidently needed for a long time.

I just got a message to say he's in hospital with myocardial ischaemia. He's been saying he had chest pains for ages but I thought it was stress of all of it. Plus he tends to play sick as a manipulation tactics. I've spoken to him, but I'm not going to go to him. It feels really strange.

Of course it is a manipulation tactic. I mean, you still care about him, that much is obvious and none of us can fault you for that, it is hard to detach and separate your feelings for him. He played on those feelings to get a response out of you. Good on you for not agreeing to see him, next time let it go to voicemail.

Why is it a manipulation tactic?
If he is having issues with his heart, there is no better place to be than a hospital with cardiologists, heart surgeons nurses and support staff who can provide him with the vigilant and specialized care that he needs. Unless you as his partner doubled as all those other things, there was literally no reason to inform you of his current medical status. You left him, ending the relationship the two of you shared, he has no reason to be calling you to inform you of his medical issues/status. I don't call my past girlfriends up every time I go to the doctor's office. Look, I get for him that this may be very real and scary, again, he is in the perfect place to be if he is having these issues, and the thought of going it alone may be scary, but I'm sure he's got some family or other friends he can call. Lose his number and forget about his issues because they are no longer your concern.

You are 0% responsible for false R. You did the best that you could with the information that you had available. And that information included him telling you that he wanted to reconcile with you. You were also very much traumatized and in addition to fight and flight there’s a third option which is freeze. Many of us need to use the freeze response to get our feet back on the ground and figure out what we want to do next.

I am very much a strong person to have a reasonable amount of self-esteem. I had just lost a large amount of weight and was looking amazing. And yet I stayed for a year with a cheater, who also broke all the boundaries, but claimed he wanted to R. I also blamed myself and beat myself up for not leaving earlier. My therapist finally convinced me that staying for one year was actually pretty good. Many many many people stay for far longer. Leaving a manipulative person is very difficult and it’s OK that you tried your best, because you loved him and you wanted to do everything you could to make your marriage succeed. He’s the one who didn’t hold up his end of the deal, and who broke every promise.

As for him being in the hospital, I understand how difficult that must be. But he kind of fired you from the job of being his caretaker and so you must accept that that’s no longer your job. You can wish him well in your heart and your mind, but let him deal with the things he needs to deal with. There’s a reason we have that saying " not my monkeys, not my circus". It’s a really really hard to break the habit of being the caretaker, but this is a good time for you to flex that muscle.

I think you’re doing great and you’re getting yourself out of infidelity. Keep your eye on the prize, which is your future. He made his choices, and now he gets to live with those.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 3:41 AM, Thursday, August 24th]

Myocardial ischemia is generally treated with medications, if it’s not really far along. It can lead to heart failure ultimately if left unchecked.

If I was in your shoes, I might drop off a card,

"Get well soon. I know how broken hearts feel and have some empathy."

But I’m snarky and old, and kind of no longer care what others think of me.

I've spoken to him, but I'm not going to go to him. It feels really strange.

That's a wise decision. There's nothing to be gained(to your benefit) by engaging any further.

As to your topic question:

He did everything wrong - but I stayed through all that. I didn't just stay. If I am honest with myself, yes, I definitely gave him hell and cried and screamed and shouted. But:

- I never left for more than a week
- I continued to have sex with him
- I continued to buy him gifts and look after him and be kind and loving
- I let him rug sweep
- I stayed committed and faithful
- I tolerated the broken promises
- I even comforted him when he was pining for the AP

The extent of your responsibility for false R is far less than your accountability during this time. You knew that this wasn't right, but were hoping for things to correct themselves over time. I think that it is important that you have self-reflection. I think that it is important that you do hold yourself accountable for some of your actions that you knew were wrong, but chose to ignore/postpone/avoid. But these are really enablers of false R...not the actual reason for false R. That is entirely due to his lies and lack of commitment. If anything, you were overcommitted to making this work...the exact opposite of your partner.

You gave R your all....and then some. What you need to learn and grow from all of this, is why you gave so much for so little in return, when it was supposed to be a team effort.

I think the freeze response is exactly what I did.

I agree he's been very manipulative.

I'm staying in contact of some kind with him for now, but don't feel the urge to run to him like I have in the past. He's asked several times to visit me and I've said no.

It occurs to me quite how deep the failure of R runs, because he's not even done the work within himself to understand what he did and why he did it.

He still now maintains he didn't want an affair to begin in the first place. It's obvious he did, because he started spending time with OW and initially didn't tell her about me.

He still maintains he didn't want the affair to continue. It's obvious he did because week after week he had sex with her. "But I kept telling her I just wanted to be friends!" (And then taking my clothes off)

He still maintains his behaviour post affair was trauma and not "being in his right mind" and he has the timeline muddled and skips out big details in his thinking.

I think it's probably quite hard work to step out of lying to yourself and be honest about the truth. People start affairs because they allow weak boundaries deliberately, and a long term affair is a series of deliberate and intentional choices.

Sorry. Wrong thread.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 10:44 AM, Saturday, August 26th]

I don't think you're at all responsible for his actions - those are his alone. Please do not blame yourself for how you reacted to trauma.

I *DO* think you're responsible for your own healing and it seems pretty clear that based on his actions and his complete unwillingness to do anything even resembling R, that you are never going to heal with him around. Leaving was a great first step, but it's not the only thing that is necessary for healing.

I feel a deep sense of betrayal of my values and my core

I felt this too. Addressing this and rewriting this narrative, was part of my healing.