SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I saw the below on another resource recently and wanted to share it because it felt pretty profound and "telling it like it is." Especially for those of us like me where this is all still a fresh hell, you very much want to go back in time, and wish you had the life you used to have.

"About cheating:

1. It is actually a million micro decisions to betray you and lie to you in a multitude of ways.

2. There is always a factor of what value is the cheater extracting from you (money, sex, reputation, childcare).

3. Cheating is a deep moral failing that for most cannot be overcome in a lifetime. It is not the cheating itself...it is everything it represents: avoidance, selfishness, willingness to abuse a trusting partner, willingness to alienate and humiliate children, profound lack of integrity (which extends into many areas).

Do you want to pick pieces of rice out of a pile of vomit, or would you rather get a whole new fresh, delicious bowl of Happy Life, custom made to your exact liking?"

Cheating is a deep moral failing that for most cannot be overcome in a lifetime.

Gently, that seems to say that no one can redeem themself.

Healing requires getting in as close touch with reality as possible. Your WS may not redeem themself, but there the SI membership includes many WSes who have changed from betrayer to good partner. Some R'ed, and some D'ed. It's important to our mental health to know that: some WSes redeem themselves; some don't.

I know it may be hard to understand this, but the BS is irrelevant in the WS's decision to heal themself or not. The BS didn't cause the WS to cheat, and the BS can't cause the WS to change. The WS shows themself - not their BS - to be a lousy partner and a failure as a human being.

Do you want to pick pieces of rice out of a pile of vomit, or would you rather get a whole new fresh, delicious bowl of Happy Life, custom made to your exact liking?

That’s a great analogy, Fold123! Often times when I hear BSs say they’re afraid to leave because what if a new partner cheats, I always say "If Bernie Madoff was your investment broker, would you keep giving him your money after you found out he stole your life savings because you’re afraid a different broker would do the same thing? No, you would say ‘fuck that guy’ and take your money some place else."

And unlike money, years of your life cannot be recouped.

Sisoon

Gently, that seems to say that no one can redeem themself.

I don’t think that was Fold’s point. The reality is that cheating hardly ever happens in a vacuum because people aren’t selfish and dishonest in only 1 area of their lives. Cheating is a symptom of moral failing; it isn’t an isolated moral failing in and of itself.

Someone can learn, grow, and become a better person, but in many cases, it’s not realistic to expect someone to get a complete character transplant.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:29 PM, Friday, August 11th]

Often times when I hear BSs say they’re afraid to leave because what if a new partner cheats, I always say "If Bernie Madoff was your investment broker, would you keep giving him your money after you found out he stole your life savings because you’re afraid a different broker would do the same thing? No, you would say ‘fuck that guy’ and take your money some place else."

There is always a chance your partner will cheat, but for myself it's easier to trust someone who hasn't given me reason to distrust than someone I don't trust like my xWS. I'm glad I left. That albatross of distrust hanging around my neck was a pain to carry around day in and day out. My new guy is a breath of fresh air. He treats me better than my xWS ever did so I'm happy I made the decision to get a whole new fresh, delicious bowl of Happy Life, custom made to my exact liking

Do you want to pick pieces of rice out of a pile of vomit, or would you rather get a whole new fresh, delicious bowl of Happy Life, custom made to your exact liking?

Sometimes the WS cleans up the vomit themselves then steps into the kitchen with their BS to prepare a fresh, delicious bowl of Happy Life. Sure, the bowl was broken and glued back together, but it was my favorite bowl and I'm not willing to throw it away because it's now imperfect. It's still my favorite recipe and I enjoy it even more since it's been enhanced to appeal to my now sophisticated palate.

Fold, I've been following your story and I know that you're hurting terribly, and that your WH is that pile of vomit - with dog hair and dirt in it, but I'm bristling at this person equating BSs who want to R to hungry urchins who would eat puke-covered scraps. That's not at all how it was for me. I stood up for myself and demanded a four course meal in order to R, as did most here who successfully R'd.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:14 PM, Friday, August 11th]

Sacred, I totally can see how you might find the wording of the quote to be bristling. I definitely did not intend by pasting it here to be offensive or triggering, or to cast a shadow on the successful reconciliation that can take place when spouses betray spouses.

The wording does certainly speak more to a BS whose WS was unable, or unwilling or both, to make the changes necessary to have a positive reconciliation. I found it to be a helpful reminder myself for my own situation: my spouse cheated twice, could not redeem himself in the end, and cared not to as well. I think in your case and in the case of other BS who have found happy endings with their FWS, it won't be relevant. I think it is really great that you have strengthened your marriage post-infidelity. You are a success story and I know bring hope to others wanting to follow in the same path you and your spouse have been able to successfully walk!

The reality is that cheating hardly ever happens in a vacuum because people aren’t selfish and dishonest in only 1 area of their lives. Cheating is a symptom of moral failing; it isn’t an isolated moral failing in and of itself.

Agreed. Otherwise, all a wayward would need to do is say "Lesson learned. I certainly won't do that again."

And maybe they won't. Would a BS in that scenario feel safe with that resolution? Would IC even need to be a suggestion?

It's the other character traits that need addressing. Cheating, as much as I don't like to minimize, is a byproduct of the other character shortcomings. With that said, I definitely believe that most people have the ability to make these changes....how many of them actually do will always be up for debate.