SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still get the sense that you are arguing over who forgot the matches rather than deciding how to solve the problem (and yes – it is a very good comparison).

Are you clear on what you want NorthernLad?

It’s VERY normal and expected that we swing all around the place shortly after d-day. It’s a very rare BS that comes here and states that they discovered their spouses infidelity and right away divorced or right away set off on successful reconciliation.
There is nothing unusual if you are screaming divorce now and reconciliation tomorrow and then again d the next day and so on. Not unusual, but frankly not productive. It doesn’t help YOU and that’s what we should focus on – helping YOU.

IMHO a big reason for the situation is indecisiveness and lack of action. Like your wife "asking" for a divorce… Friend – they don’t come gift-wrapped… If she wanted to divorce, she goes and files. You GET a divorce – not request them as a favor. Then there are the unclear messages and actions – mainly from your wife – but they also should/could have sent you a message about what actions you could/should have taken.

But… it’s all normal. It’s a very rare breed that can take this trauma and react right away in what might be considered the "best" or "most logical" way. I’m not slating you for the situation – only I don’t want you to remain there longer than needed.

I’m a former cop and when doing my courses, I had a lecturer that said something along the lines of:
"When you hear the beating of hooves you expect horses to come around the corner, but not zebra’s".

This is a double-edged quote. If you are on a road in Kentucky, you would be really strange to expect a black-and-white zebra. It’s the application of the content in that quote that can lead to stereotyping: It’s the reason why the darker your skin-tone and the younger your age the more likely the cops are going to stop you in traffic. Or the longer your beard, more exotic your clothes and more Mid-Eastern you look your odds of a strip-search increase at the security check at the airport. Things that law-enforcement is ACTIVELY trying to change, because stereotyping is what allows others to slip through the cracks…
The lecturer however used that quote to emphasize that although we could use assumptions, we needed to be open for alternatives.
An example he used: Standard procedure at a crime scene is noting down license plate numbers and asking the names of people close to the scene. If we ONLY noted what met an assumed profile we might miss the rich-looking Caucasian driving a Benz who actually did the crime. The zebra…

MAYBE your wife is a zebra. I doubt it – I have stated that I think it’s likely she left for another love-interest – BUT that’s an assumption. MAYBE she is a zebra. Or not…
However, that’s not really relevant at the moment. Not any more than whatever label is placed on you for the functional purposes of this site or who had sex with someone else first or who is to blame for the present situation. Who forgot the matches still leaves you in the cold…

What is relevant is what you want.
Tempered by what is available to you.

If you want to end your marriage, then that is totally in your hands. Only you don’t "ask" for a divorce but rather go and start a divorce. It’s your call if you notify her before filing or not – the process will ensure that she is notified anyways. Her voluntary participation will make things quicker and easier, but even if she refuses each and every step the process will go on and eventually finish with a legal divorce.
That is definitely an answer to what to do about the fire.

If you want to attempt some new form of relationship with your wife…
IMHO not answering her and all that isn’t the path. That’s just the kid threatening to hold it’s breath if it’s forced to eat his veggies. Not responding to the situation is only prolonging the present indecisive situation.

IMHO it would be to both your advantage if you can both be clear on what you want – and you can then set out what you need if it’s to progress beyond that. First and foremost what YOU want, but if your wife also wants this relationship then her wish needs to be clear. Not "maybe" or anything like that – it needs to be a definite "I want to do my best to make this work". No response is the same as telling you she wants a divorce, thereby making any hope you could have had for reconciliation non-valid.
I’m guessing some accountable truth about the time she was living separately should/would/could be part of those needs. The name of OM. A commitment to NC to both love-interests. Accountability for the past and the present. A commitment to improving mental health… The list is long, but it starts with a decision.

Of course – if she can’t provide what you need… your "what you want" is tempered by what you need. If you can’t get what you need from her… this relationship is doomed.

Now – I realize it’s early days and making a firm decision might not be realistic. Just remember that not deciding and maintaining the present pain IS a decision.
Also – decisions aren’t irrevocable commitments. Like a decision to divorce can be changed up to the step of the judge signing off on it. A decision to reconcile can be changed if a truth of unrecoverable magnitude is unveiled. One idea might be to maybe even "wear" a decision for a couple of days and see how it fits. Like if you are thinking divorce then use the next week to get info on what that process is, what you need and what your life might look like in a couple of years. If you are thinking reconciliation then use the week to think what information you need, what questions need answering and what steps you might take with her. If you follow this suggestion, I strongly recommend NC so you can really contemplate your decision. Only I might suggest you let her know you want NC and will get back to her in 10 days.

Sometimes in times of indecision what is needed is someone step up – even if the action taken turns out to be wrong or not the eventual path taken.

Bigger, I admit to finding reading some of your posts to be very challenging for me.

I'm imagining it this way. We are all watching a horror movie. The protagonist is coming to the conclusion that his wife is up to no good, while right in the next room, his wife is indeed, sharpening her axe. We--most of us anyway--would all screaming for the guy on the movie screen to RUN!! Meanwhile even as the crazy wife is getting her axe ready, there would also be your voice in the back of the theatre saying outloud to that fellow's image "What do you want--perhaps you can R if that is what you still desire..."

I get that you want the guy to take action too, but your dispassionate exposition (that seems to always make a point of including R as a possibility even in situations that seem downright abusive), often hides the urgency of the situation, I believe.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:59 AM, Saturday, August 19th]

Anger is a very very good emotion for you, @NorthernLad, away from your nasty WW. Full speed ahead!

Wrong thread

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:08 AM, Sunday, August 20th]

Update..

I have secured a new job which I start in 2 weeks which is a huge relief from a financial perspective. The worry was adding to all this with marriage that has really effected my mental health. So that’s one step forward for me.

I live in UK so from a D perspective it does not matter who committed adultery first as far as financial splits are concerned, it’s generally 50/50 splits of assets. I was holding out until getting a job before applying for D, this is because I was worried I may have to sell the family home, whereas I maybe able to increase mortgage and pay her off to enable me to keep home. Also, until role secured, finances have dwindled in terms of using all savings so that also put me off applying.

Like I updated everyone, she refuses contact to discuss anything and a couple of weeks ago I was constantly trying to contact or reach out to her to talk but that has stopped now, I no longer want to speak with her unless it was to do with finances or the children if needed.

I am starting to feel better and more positive about the future. I still have bad days but they are not as severe as when I first found out. Still a long road ahead but at the moment, feel I have made real progress.

That's great news, NL! The job, sure. Even more - stopping the phone calls, limiting talk to finances and kids. You HAVE made great progress. Celebrate and keep going.

Best of luck on the new job!

That is great news.

Note how once you commit to a path and start taking action you start to feel better.

IMHO the big issue when you came here was that your wife didn’t commit and you weren’t certain where you were headed. Your wife did the ILYBNILWY and showed all the classic symptoms of a wife in an affair. Whether she was or not isn’t the issue though. What is the issue is that she told you she wanted a divorce but did nothing about it, said she wanted out but still wanted to keep you in some ways. Your reactions were to let go of her but cling on, try to save the marriage but then act as out of the marriage.

This is SO TYPICAL for new BS on this site, and the key issue IMHO are to get them to focus on realistic options.
My posts – especially the last one – were trying to get you to commit. Be it to R or be it to D. I’m totally fine with either option, but the key issue is that YOU are fine with the option you select.

Regarding divorce: Very few countries have adultery as a factor in divorce. Chances are the guidelines for what you are both entitled to are pretty firmly set both in law and precedent. Get a good solicitor and follow his advice in all. Don’t be pushover and don’t offer more than you need to, but don’t expect to get more than the law expects you to get. Its been suggested you get angry and use that anger – IMHO a terrible idea. Get realistic and goal-oriented, and then head for the end-goal. That goal is to get out of infidelity, establish a new form of relationship with your kids and to go live a good and happy life.

Bigger - thanks, although I have decided to withdraw, I would of preferred R or at least opportunity to talk through to see how we both felt but she refuses any form of communication and I am no longer prepared to chase after her.

She shows no remorse of events she was responsible for over last 4 months and the only way I would have considered R is if she was fully committed or it would have been like flogging a dead horse. She’s too stubborn to admit her faults even if she felt guilt and showed no signs whatsoever of wanting to talk never kind R.

It will hurt when she meets someone if she’s not already doing so but I can’t control that but I can control what I do and it won’t be reaching out to her again never mind several times a day. I’m not going to give her the power to continue to disappoint or hurt me. I have went too far at times in terms of trying and trying and chasing her, like a complete idiot and I never considered myself that kind of person before who would act like this but love does strange things to you. I would have told anyone in my situation or a friend to fuck her and walk away, I’ve been a soft fool and feel embarrassed now. At least I’ve finally realised and won’t make same mistake

I’ve been a soft fool and feel embarrassed now. At least I’ve finally realised and won’t make same mistake

You are not a fool and you should not feel any shame or embarrassment for believing in someone you loved and thought loved you back. Walk way with your head held high, you did what you thought was best for your situation. It hurts that she couldn't muster what was needed to repair what she broke, but look around SI, that is far more common than you think it is.