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I just found out in June my WH has been cheating on me for over 13 months with several prostitutes and sugar babies. I am still beside myself. I had to get tested and received treatment for an STI and attend tons of therapy sessions; get on medication for depression; this almost caused me to lose my job, education, and family goals (no children yet). Trying to reconcile but some things I cannot let go of...

WH had an emotional affair with one AP (a "sugar baby") for several months and Western Union'd her $2000 in April because he "felt bad" for her because she was complaining that she and her fiance couldn't pay her rent and phone bill. Then he met with her in her city at a hotel in May and had sex with her while I was at work. According to my WH, he called me while they were in the hotel room together, and she contacted her fiance.... and my WH even bought me a box of chocolates afterward. Oh, how thoughtful

He paid this Western Union transaction using his credit card that he told me was canceled. This credit card was linked to my bank account.

She's a hairdresser, and I scheduled an appointment this week. She doesn't know who I am.

I see this as an opportunity to meet her...

Get a new haircut...
Find out a little about her...
Maybe ask her out for coffee...
Gain a new friend...
Then reveal what I know and find out exactly what was going on from her perspective...
Maybe get my money back????

I know this is probably a bad idea. Should I go? What would you do? Talk some sense in me.

Hi OBunnyS,

Sounds like you're new to the group here. I'd post in our Just Found Out forum where BS's can give you tactical advice on how best to proceed.

I don't think you should get your hair cut by this woman. Think about it- you'll be putting yourself at the mercy of this horrible person with all the hot tools and sharp objects she could ever want. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her, let alone trust her with my appearance.

It sounds like this is all very fresh for you. I think it would be better to post in JFO, get some targeted advice from the other BS's and make a well thought out and crafted plan.

Things to share to get the best feedback:
-how long married
-kids? no kids?
-how did you find out
-does your WH know you know?
-how much of this was emotional, physical and financial?
-do you want to try and salvage this, ever? (don't answer now!)

There's different aspects of your recovery that are going to have to be handled and each side will need to be addressed to maximize your outcome.

I'm sorry you've had to find us. However, there's so much experience on this site and many fellow travelers that can commiserate and provide you support.

Hi MIgander,

I'm sorry that I didn't post this in JFO. I figured I'm kind of past the point of "just finding out" since it was a few months ago.

You're probably right, and you said the same thing that my therapist said, but I think she would treat me like any other client if she doesn't know who I am or that I know what she's been doing. I thought it would be an interesting experience, getting to know her. I guess it would make it all more real.

To answer your questions, we've been together for around 10 years; married for 7. No kids. My WH knows I know. I want to salvage the relationship. I want a family with him. I was trying to have children with him. It hurts so bad to know the truth of my reality.

I agree with MIgander. I wouldn't let her work on your hair. There is always the possibility that she knows who you are. Also, don't underestimate the emotions you will feel in her presence. You may end up unable to keep your feelings to yourself.

I highly doubt you will get your money back or gain any honest, useful information from her.

You would be potentially inviting drama and crazy into your life and giving her a feeling of importance and relevance.

I think that the confrontation that you’re imagining in your head resembles, at best, a scene from chick flick/rom com, or, at worst, a sexual thriller. It’s not going to work out the way you imagine in real life.

The first reason are that your chances of getting this woman to go out for coffee and be friends with you, especially after only 1 meeting, are slim to none. She’s a hair dresser who probably sees hundreds of clients. She’ll make small talk with you but I doubt she’ll have any interest in exchanging phone numbers or meeting up with you as friends… unless you plan on paying for her time, like your husband does.

Second, sugar babies are nothing more than prostitutes who don’t like the label. The only difference is that they are selling the illusion of a relationship as opposed to just sex. She doesn’t care about your husband, just what’s in his wallet. She had no intention of having a real relationship with him (she’s engaged to someone else!) so the fact that he was married meant nothing to her. What could you possibly hope to learn from her?

Third, you’re not getting your money back. It’s probably already been spent and the type of woman who would sleep with married men as a side hustle isn’t going to be moved by your grief and the pay it back.

Your time and energy would be better spent contacting a lawyer and finding out whether you could recoup the money he spent on hookers as part of your divorce settlement. Some states consider money spent on affairs to be misappropriation of marital funds, but that’s a question for the lawyer.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:47 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]

I want to salvage the relationship. I want a family with him. I was trying to have children with him. It hurts so bad to know the truth of my reality.

Here ^^^ is the real problem. As you already know, he's had several APs and there are many more out there. You need to focus on your very broken, dysfunctional WH and what he is doing to change. He is not safe and is very likely to continue this behavior. Please do not get pregnant right now!!!

These APs, while awful people, have nothing to do with creating a safe marriage where his bad behavior stops. Nothing at all.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:58 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]

She is but a symptom of his malaise. Try not to make her one of yours. I’m all for empowerment and slaying demons but I’d encourage you to really consider your reasons for doing this, and where such an encounter might sit on your adrenal register.

It never was a power struggle or competition between two women (or all the other OWs in your story) but between two men (the cheating and lying recidivist WH or a reforming remorseful one who is digging deep to become the man he and you want him to be. The question is which of the two men is showing up now?

I don't think you should do the appointment. I'd recommend cancelling. At the minimum, avoid the idea for 6 months. Give yourself time.

In the big picture, does the AP matter? I can't envision what of substance you are going to "learn".

I'd recommend investing in yourself. Exercise, eat well, read SI learning, focus on your job,...whatever happens between you and your WH will not be determined by any specific revelations from the AP.

Even if you disagree with most of my comments. Just give yourself 6+ months of time.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 12:01 AM, Wednesday, August 9th]

You're all right. I'm an idiot for even entertaining this idea; it was my adrenaline speaking. She is not the problem; he is...I need help getting out of the relationship.

I need help getting out of the relationship.

What has he been doing since dday? Is he trying to save the relationship?

Are you in IC? It would be really helpful for you to get some good guidance and support.

You're not an idiot. Many of us have entertained and or fantasized about doing things we are glad we didn't do.

We're here if you need us.

OBS, you won’t be the first or last woman to fall in love and hope to reconcile with a jackass, so don’t beat yourself up for that.

But act on the realization that you need to get out by seeing lawyer, finding out what you’re entitled to under the law, and putting a plan in place for divorce.

You have us here for emotional support and you will also get a lot of good practical advice in the Divorce forum.