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cedarwoods (original poster member #82760) posted at 11:39 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023
For those of you who have reconciled or are reconciling, what do you (both WS and BS) do with the memories/facts of the affair? I am a BS currently in R. I feel stuck because I don’t know what to do with the memories of the affair-
My WH loving someone else, having sex with another woman, having intimate conversations with AP, the lies he told me, the stupid shit and hurtful things he’s said to me, etc
My WH is remorseful and has apologized thousand times. But still… I find myself in a place where I am holding onto these memories not knowing what to do with them. It’s like a Xmas gift you received that you really don’t want.
Do I just accept that it happened and move on?
Do I bury it deep in my head and hope it never resurfaces?
What do I do with what happened?
Hope this question makes sense…
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:57 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023
I don’t have all the answers, but don’t bury it. That doesn’t work.
How far out are you from DDay? How often are you feeling/remembering the memories?
Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 12:14 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023
I am thirteen years out from my dday and reconciled. To be honest I still have memories of the A hit me once in a while. I don't fight them. I usually share my feelings with my H and we talk through my feelings. The A is part of our history unfortunately, just as much as our happy memories.
The first couple of years after the A I thought about it all the time. It was the first thing I thought about every single morning. I think that is pretty typical.
It does get better with time.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 2:27 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023
I am thirteen years out from my dday and reconciled. To be honest I still have memories of the A hit me once in a while. I don't fight them. I usually share my feelings with my H and we talk through my feelings. The A is part of our history unfortunately, just as much as our happy memories.
The first couple of years after the A I thought about it all the time. It was the first thing I thought about every single morning. I think that is pretty typical.
It does get better with time.
This is me but I am 6 years post d-day and my WH and I are partially reconciled as in our friendship is reconciled and we occasionally date, but I live far away and have no intention of moving back, so who knows, and I'm okay with it.
You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.
Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:44 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
Accept that they happened and that you have already had a just and proportional response to them. Unless you haven't, in which case give yourself permission to respond to them further. And give yourself permission to change your mind at any time.
You don't "move on" you accept that they are part of you story now.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
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