SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I made a post a month back of me finding out my boyfriend of 4yrs slept with my best friend. I have now come to find out that after he slept with her he realised what he had and what he wanted. We just come back from a holiday away together, he seemed of with me so I questioned it. To then find out that for the last 6 months he has been sneaking of to meet a new girl I don't know and they have slept together many times in his car in are home we was renovating together to move into in a years time. He has also being flirting and texting her everyday and only stop talking to her 2 months ago. I have shipped him back to his mum's as I am completely and utterly heartbroken and feel like an absolute idiot for even trying to move past him sleeping with my best friend. How the hell does one even deal with this as I honestly feel like all the air out of my lungs have gone. Anyone got an advice or tips to help me get through this pain.

Shan96

Welcome to SI. Please look at the tactical primer pinned at the top of this forum and the healing library.

Understand you are not a fool or an idiot. he is a con man, serial cheater, broken person, and none of this is your fault. He will not fix this by being remorseful or regretful. He needs professional help fixing what is broken don't fall for any manipulation or "let's talk" until he works on himself.

Have you looked into IC? If you can see a betrayal trauma specialist, particularly one who deals with infidelity, you may find it helpful. Betrayal by an intimate partner is trauma. Working through the trauma is how the pain leaves.

The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too.

I know what you are feeling. The air is sucked out of you. You're second guessing everything and wondering how it's possible for a human being to treat you this way when you can't even stomach the thought of how a person could live the way he lives. How can he sleep at night while making these awful life decisions. I know. I think the reason we are in such shock and pain is because our minds works totally different than theirs. They (people like your ex and mine) are broken people. We may be broken too but instead of working through their broken-ness with courage, integrity and empathy, they choose to stay in darkness with pitiful attempts at making themselves feel better. But it doesn't work. They don't feel better. They repeat the same mistakes because they are too cowardly to go through life like you and I. There is good and bad in everyone. So you can still accept that you loved the man. That's ok. You loved the good part of him. But now that you've seen the ugliest part of him, you can't let his cowardly decisions disrespect you anymore. He needs help. Only he can do that. Loving you couldn't fix him and his stupid affairs couldn't fix him either.

I am completely and utterly heartbroken and feel like an absolute idiot for even trying to move past him sleeping with my best friend

Dating is a trial run for M (or permanent relationship) and usually, people are on their best behaviour. Your WBF showed you who he was and is. Listen to him.

There is pressure fir the BS/BP to forgive and get over it, but that is easier said than done. In fact, intimate betrayal is often considered such a heinous act, the the most serious censures or punishments have traditionally been reserved for it. It's only in our modern age, where the idea of individual happiness has trumped personal honour and responsibility, that we have removed fault and consequence for its commission.

The problem is that our primitive brains have evolved to enable our species to survive and so many of our gut reactions to infidelity are rooted in these primal responses, and try as we might, we cannot upgrade our base operating system. You are reacting to his cheating exactly as you are designed to, so give yourself some grace.

I would recommend reading "Cheating in a Nutshell" as it will help jput words to much of what you are feeling.