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Newest Member: M0771

Divorce/Separation :
Divorce Final

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Kanashii (original poster member #80132) posted at 4:05 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Hey all. A month ago I signed the paperwork to start the divorce process. It was 1 year and 1 day after STBXWH was found at COW's house (my DDay 2) and the exact amount of time (1year and 1 day) that the state requires you to be separated to file for divorce. My lawyer says the divorce will be legal and completed as of tomorrow. After that we'll be entering into mediation of who gets what.

This being the last day of my marriage is not what I expected. With everything I've been through the past year and never any hope of reconciling I thought that it would be like a New Years eve countdown to us legally being nothing. Instead I feel a bit of a hollow emptiness and have had to keep myself from crying the past week. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I'd basically been a married single parent doing everything at the house and juggling part time work with childcare of my five year old.

Was anyone else this way? Happy on the day you signed to end your marriage then glum as it died a silent death? Other than being down at no longer being "a wife" things are OK for me. I can name several ways my life has improved over the year and I have things I've been looking forward to that had to wait until my divorce was final, but I'm still sad that my marriage is ending.

Edit to add: got a bit of a shock today. My lawyer said STBXWH's lawyer filed an extension and the divorce was not finalized like it was supposed to. Now my grief feels like it's been bottled back up and I'm sitting in disbelief.

[This message edited by Kanashii at 2:21 PM, Wednesday, July 19th]

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8799714
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

It is bittersweet. There’s finally getting out of infidelity. But there is also a finality to closing that chapter of your life. I think your feelings are 100% normal. As always, feel it.

Divorce IS a big deal. So it comes with big feelings. Even if it is what you needed and the best thing for you.

Congrats on your D— I hope your healing continues and you start really feeling the peace that comes with being safe.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6052   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8799719
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Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 8:22 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

My therapisist says that you can only start grieving the marriage when the divorce is final. I'm not there yet. The divorce is advanced but not final. So really I'm a little bit afraid of that moment.

But you know it will be the last step you have to take. And then you can start your new wonderfull life!

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 129   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8799753
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 Kanashii (original poster member #80132) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Thanks for the input BearlyBreathing. Most of what I hear on getting divorced is "so sorry" and looks of pity. This is probably the first chapter closing of my life (other than my father's death this time last year) that has been far more bitter than sweet.

@Helena67- Good luck on when yours is final! My mind is currently going through grieving, thinking of all the good times I thought we had that I cannot talk about with family.

The extended family is furious with my ex due to the timing of the betrayal (during my dad's death/funeral) that even mentioning something I did -with my STBX in the story- causes my relatives to become very angry. It's made me feel like I do not get to own my past or many of my achievements because my STBXWH was there for most of my life. I've known STBXWH since I was four years old. Having to watch which stories in my 32 years of knowing him I can speak of without angering family is disheartening sad

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8799769
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 5:02 AM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Wait, I’m sorry, I read your edit and am a bit confused. Are you still in the process of divorce bc of his lawyer filing an extension?

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8800134
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 Kanashii (original poster member #80132) posted at 4:32 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Yes. My lawyer said it would be all over Tuesday, but his lawyer apparently filed an extension. I'm not sure why he needed an extension to say yes to the divorce, and I don't know how many times he can file to extend the marriage. I'm in a bit of shock with a dash of anxiety because even if my lawyer is right about the next court date being the end I don't think I'll be able to believe it.

The new date that the judge set to finalize my divorce is 2 days before what would have been our 10 year wedding anniversary.

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8800496
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:50 AM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

It is possible to work through all the issues and re-build stronger than you started. It takes work from both parties. Have you been in counseling?

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8801772
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 Kanashii (original poster member #80132) posted at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

CoderMom, are you posting a question in the wrong thread by accident? It seems you are you asking me about trying to reconcile with my STBXWH in the divorce forum.

Even though I wanted to try to reconcile 1.5+- years ago (basically,at dday) he gave me nothing to work with. He refused to do basic things like: Stop talking to AP, be open/honest with technology and communication, or go to marriage counseling. I begged him to begin marriage counseling with me and he refused Every Single Time, saying he was happy with how things were. He wanted to keep me as a wife taking care of the home/him and also have his COW as the girlfriend who got all of his good parts. He refused to give me a timeline and constantly put COW's needs/pain above. I tried getting him to read "not just friends" and pointing out the relevant parts, but he kept finding ways to rationalize why "none of it applied to our situation." He has taken no responsibility for the danger or pain he put me and my child through as my father was dying last year. The man told me I had to be the one to fix our marriage not five minutes after I told him that my father had just entered hospice. No comfort for a person who was grieving, just an order that I had to fix everything he kept breaking. The last straw was when STBXWH was found at COW's house -a place he lied about being at- and said he had no remorse for being there despite promising he would never go/stay overnight there because he "knew how it would look." He was at her house at least three days leaving my child and I with no transportation (he took our only working car) and left me with no idea where he was while my father was literally dying.

I have had individual counseling breaking down all the stuff I'd been putting up with for years and have come to the conclusion that none of this relationship is OK with me. It is not OK that he's decided his need to please everyone around him comes before his son's or his wife's needs. It is not OK that he stonewalled me for most of our marriage and refused to have ANY discussions to get things fixed or to tell me his likes/dislikes/wants. It is not fair that he expected me to be able to read his mind and just know what he'd want to do/have without him saying what he wanted, for him to get angry that I wouldn't know what he wanted despite him refusing to tell me anything, and that he would instead tell COW everything he wished for. It is utterly wrong that he kept falsely promising he wanted the same things I did out of life (kids/pets/life goals) just because he was afraid of being alone. It is not right that he made constant messes that he'd refuse to clean - leaving me to clean them. It is not ok that he would take my things and lose/break them constantly - yet he'd get upset if any of his things was slightly misplaced. It is not right that he refused to let me practice using his love langauge with him because "It was too much work for him" to let me try, yet the COW could do it right away because he actually TALKED to her. It is not OK that he refused to acknowledge when there were problems - both in the marriage and things breaking down in the home - with him having the expectations that I would fix them by myself with no input or help from him. It is not OK that he refused to date/have couples time, yet he'd complain that we never did anything together. I am not OK that he bluntly told me his job was more important than mine, and that he'd demand I drop everything/take off from my job in order to help him with his. I am not OK that he feels me having boundaries is a "punishment" to him when they are very normal things. I am also not Ok that he victim blames me -saying my reactions to what he's done are worse than his continued cheating and broken promises.

So to answer your question (TL:DR), yes I've been in counseling. Through it I've found that I can't make a marriage or relationship stable when the other half is unwilling to do any of the work to reconcile and does everything he can to not engage. I've learned that it's far easier to raise a child by myself, and that I'm OK just being me without a significant other because I like who I am and what I do. The unknown can cause me some anxiety as I've learned through experience things I expect to happen/where promised by others somehow get messed up, but I'll take that bit of anxiety over what I had before.

Sorry for the wall of text for a simple question. I mostly post in other parts of the forum when things have gone sour or sideways-mostly when triggered by STBXWH's continued efforts to rug sweep. While I don't usually post if things are going well I've come way too far to backrack and "Wreckoncile" with being treated as nothing more than mommy bang maid.

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8801874
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:18 AM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Kanashii, you've been through so much. I'm so sorry about your dad. I am glad in a way that Coder Mom posted what she did because it helped you to lay out all of what you've been through. You're coming to the end of these particular struggles and I bet you are stronger for it. I hope your life is so beautiful after the divorce and that you find your path to happiness.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8801875
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 Kanashii (original poster member #80132) posted at 5:09 AM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Thanks for the response FunHouseMirror. I have hopes as I continue facing reality and walk this path that things will continue to get better. It feels like I will jinx myself if I say "these things have improved!" because something will inevitably go wrong. There's also the fear that I'll begin minimizing how bad the actions are again, saying "Everythings ok!" when it's not.

My therapist has had to point out often how I'd minimize the bad things saying, "It's not slightly abusive, that's just abuse." It took many "am I in an emotionally abusize relationship?" quizzes with the results "likely" to "most definitely" to break through my fog and show me how bad things had gotten. I made a physical list to reread of STBXWH's actions- many things that got excused away by people telling me "that's just how men are," "men are babies," "just TALK to him about it to help him understand," "You can't expect a man to understand/do these things," or my favorite of "Well you need to be able to help him through that because men can't handle it!"

At this point in my life I refuse to continue being the scapegoat for STBXWH's inadequacies and tell anyone who acts like I should hold his hand/lead him through what he needs to do that: "I don't control STBXWH and can't make him do anything."

That being said, I don't want to appear bitter at everything that's happened by posting about it repeatedly - and definitely don't want to wallow in it!

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8801881
Topic is Sleeping.
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