SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The first part of this post is a repost from my first post. I thought it would make the story easier to read. I've included updates of what has been going on since. I apologize for the stupid long read.

My wife and I had been suffering from a semi-dead bedroom for a long time. When we had sex, it was ok. But then we would go weeks without sex. Often it was only 1 or 2 times a month. I would get turned down often. We had many, many talks...some of them very emotional about it. She would promise to change, and things would get better for awhile, but then things would go right back to where they were.

But it wasn't just sex that was missing. It was intimacy. I distinctly remember getting a haircut in Japan, and the woman did a quick scalp massage afterwards. I remember being surprised by how nice it felt to be touched like that. Then I realized that I hadn't been touched like that by my wife in a long time. She always said it was because she was just so stressed out all the time between working and the kids. So I tried to take as much off her plate as I could. I started doing all the dinners and grocery shopping. I became the primary driver of the kids to sports, etc. Nothing changed.

Then I started seeing the signs:
- She was distant
- low affection
- peck kisses
- low interest in family
- more interest in how she looked, putting on make-up more
- working late (she is a teacher)
- suddenly stopped wanting to receive oral sex

Then I noticed weird signs. She changed the passcode on her phone. I discovered it when I picked it up for something random. We share everything, so it wasn't unusual to use each other's phones. She gave me the password right away, and said she changed it because the kids figured it out. But it was just weird, you know? And she didn't enable her car to read her texts outloud...which is something she always liked about my car before she got the new one.

But what really bothered me was her absolute lack of effort for big events. Mother's Days were elaborate. Homemade poached eggs and strawberry waffles in bed. Picnics to every botanical garden withing 100 miles of our home. Father's days were meh. On our 20th anniversary, I surprised her with a trip to Paris and a diamond necklace. I started planning and saving for it the day after our 10th anniversary. I worked with her boss to schedule her time off and ensure she had a substitute. A week before our 20th, she said she still didn't know what she was going to get me...ugh. She did almost nothing for my retirement after 25 years in the military.

I became convinced she was cheating on me. And once I got that in my head, it just wouldn't leave. I kept it to myself, but I was slowly dying inside. One day she had to work on Saturday (new parent's). She got all made up. Then, she called me from work and told me she was going to meet an old girl friend for lunch afterwards. I drove to the restaurant and camped out...and then she came out...with the girl friend. She didn't see me, but I was ashamed for having doubted her. But I still felt like something wasn't right.

I got to go to Hawaii for a work trip and we decided to make a mini-vacation out of it. I figured that this was our chance to reconnect. Away from the stress of our daily lives. After the second time she turned me down for sex, I finally lost my temper. I blurted out, "Are you having an affair?" She appeared shocked, then she cried. But she swore up and down no.

When we got back, she went to IC. (I thought that was weird, since I finally agreed to MC, but she said that she needed IC first). Almost immediately, everything changed. She became crazy intimate and crazy sexual. And it didn't seem forced. She touched my arm at dinner one night, and I was amazed at how nonchalantly flirty it was. I was like, where has this been for the last 10 years? I thought it may be the zoloft she had started taking, but it turns out that zoloft actually reduces libido. It honestly felt like she was love-bombing. It felt like to me that she had been caught and was trying to fix things.

One other thing I would like to mention.
One day a couple of years ago, my wife mentions that she rode with a (guy) parent (we'll call him "B") to one of the field trips. She works in a private school, so they rely on parent volunteers for field trips. She talks about how nice the guy is and how she thinks he and I would get along.I tell her that I am uncomfortable with her driving with male parents, and I ask her to avoid doing so if possible. She agreed. One of her co-workers was once really aggressive in trying to have an affair with me, and I built real barriers to limit our interaction. (I would never tell my wife, but I was really tempted by the coworker). My wife felt it was fair for her to do the same thing.

A year later, we are at a school picnic, and she introduces me to this same guy "B" and his wife "S". Over the last year, our daughters had become best friends. But, the energy was just weird. He was really awkward towards me, which I felt was odd since we both had military backgrounds. But he seemed comfortable talking to my wife. And my wife, who is pretty shy, seemed comfortable talking to him. Big red flag for me.

Then I find out he was a firefighter (my wife has a thing for firefighters). Then I find out (from my daughter) that his station is literally within walking distance of my house. Alarms are going off big time. Again, no personal emails. No texts. 1-2 emails about school work. I remain silent but vigilant. One day when S and B's daughter is being dropped off at my house for a playdate, I spy through our ring doorbell the interaction between B and my wife. (How crazy is that?!) I wanted to see how they interacted when I wasn't around. Nothing weird. He actually didn't even get on the porch. (but then again, it's obvious we have a ring...see how my mind is spinning?!)

Then this year, B and S withdraw their daughter from the school. Awesome, I think. Now my wife has absolutely no reason to see him at all. Then my mom asks my wife to start a Girl Scout troop. My wife tells me, she is going to ask S to help since S and B are experienced campers. The thought of B being on a camping trip with my wife is just something I can't stand.

Later, after a good day, and after everything blows up and is getting better, I tell her my concerns and ask her to cut them out of our life. She has asked me to cut out a few ex-girlfriends that I had remained friends with. And I did it willingly. I felt it was fair for me to ask the same thing.

I must say, I was a bit disappointed in her response. She said it felt like I didn't trust her. And she was sad to cut out two of the only parents that supported her in her first year at that school. I guess, I was hoping she would say, "sure honey". A couple of days later, she agreed to do it, but I relented...mostly because I didn't want my daughter to lose her best friend.

My wife started telling me everytime she saw B (due to their son still being at my wife's school, but not in her class). My wife refused to drop off my daughter at their house and instead sends me. But I still remember the weird energy my wife and B had at that school picnic. And I am resentful that that energy wasn't being directed at me at a time when it was missing in our relationship.

A month or so later, I caught my wife in a lie. A lie over something so inconsequential, that it was comical that she would even lie about it in the first place. The one thing that was helping me get over all our issues, was that I didn’t think my wife was a good liar. I truly thought that she could never look me in the eye and flat out lie. I was wrong. I called her out immediately with pretty inarguable evidence, but she just dug her heels in more. I was flabbergasted. I actually had a panic attack one day while driving thinking about it. I was a combat Navy pilot that flew in every conflict since 9/11, and this is what gave me a panic attack. Crazy. I finally sit her down and explain how this lie is affecting me. I tell her, if she can lie about the little things, then she can lie about the big things. She finally admits the little lie. But the damage is done. Now that I know she can look me in the eye and lie, I’m wary about everything she says.

Jump forward a couple of weeks. My wife starts acting distant and preoccupied…just like she did right before I was convinced she was having an affair. I’m worried about her, so I try to be extra nice and helpful. One day, she needs to take a bunch of stuff to her school (she’s a teacher at a private school). The stuff is in heavy boxes, and it’s actually her birthday, so I volunteer to drive the stuff over in my car and bring them in for her. She says that it would make more sense for me to just give her a ride too. So we drive together, but the whole time, she is cold and acting nervous. Small things like fidgeting with her hands and not making eye contact. I’m trying not to take it personally. We get to the school and we walk in together with me carrying one box. I drop it off and head out to get the other box and she goes to walk with me. I tell her she can stay there, I’ll get the box. I mean, that was the whole point to me coming. She looks really uncertain and a little annoyed for a moment, but ends up staying in her classroom. I walk out the school, and guess who is just hanging around. The guy "B", the one guy in my wife’s life I have always been suspicious about. Oh, did I mention, my wife made herself up super pretty that day.

Surely, this just a coincidence, right? B had to drop off his younger kid at the school. But he could have done it from the car like EVERY other parent. My wife was the one that suggested riding together. But why was she so nervous for such a routine drive? Surely she wanted to look pretty for her birthday. But man, it was the most effort I’ve seen her make in a long time. This is what the specter of infidelity and gaslighting do to a person. It makes them question everything, all the time. Even their own sanity.

I swallow my insecurities and things get better. One day out of the blue, I have a dream that reminds me of what my wife said to me during one of our lowest points…but before I accused her of cheating. I was watching her get dressed one morning, and she catches me. She says, "I appreciate you looking at me, but sometime its just too much". I did not, and still do not, know how to take that. I find her sexy. I want her to know that I find her sexy…even after 24 years. It wasn’t like I was making comments or being rude. I was just watching my wife get dressed. I bring this up to her, but she denies ever saying it. But she goes overboard in love-bombing me the next day, which only makes me even more suspicious about what was going on in her head at the time.

Then Christmas roles around. We have had this tradition of going to the Santa breakfast at the local firehouse. But my youngest is already 10 and does not believe in Santa. My two oldest are in H.S. The kids absolutely do not want to go. And of course, since B works at that firehouse, I'm not keen on going either. In fact, no one sure if it is still going on because it had been cancelled a couple of years due to Covid. So I'm like, "cool...out of site, out of mind." But my wife shows me one day an email from B with a picture of a flyer showing the times the Santa breakfast is happening. Ugh. I just want this guy out of my life.

The worst part of the email is the fact that it is very obvious that the email is a continuation of a previous discussion. But there are no other previous emails when I checked her phone later. Big red flag for me. But I'm trying to be cool. We go to the breakfast. I never see B. I do notice my wife keeps looking around like she's looking for someone. But I kind of am too, since I'm looking for other neighbors we might know. (of course none of them are there, because their kids are too old...but I digress). I ended up having to leave early due to coaching, but I figure my teen boys being around would limit any interactions. I have no idea if B showed up or not later.

Finally around February, I just can't take it anymore. I tell her flat out that I was really disappointed in her reaction when I asked her to cut B out of our life. I tell her that even though she had agreed to a "soft" cut back then, her original anger and refusal upset me. I had done a lot of growing since the previous year (thanks almost solely to this website and some Reddit subs), and I think she sensed my seriousness. She apologized, promised me nothing was or had happened, and agreed to cut B and his family out.

After that, it was really obvious that my wife started trying really hard. Unfortunately, I was hurt and bitter, so while I was loving on the outside, I was incredibly angry on the inside. She really thought we were on the right path, but I was starting to think that I could not get over all the hurt and, for the first time, wondered if the relationship would last.

I realized that if she was trying, I should too. I started IC. I don't think he helped much, but it did give me a chance to say things outloud. Getting my thoughts and feelings instead of bottling them up took a great weight off my shoulders (who'd thought?). I started feeling better, but I was still having trouble forgiving.

The therapist asked us for a joint session. Not really a MC, since he didn't give advice or anything. He just asked questions and pretty dispassionately took notes.

The funny thing is that after that session, things got SOOOOOO much better. It's like my wife became a whole new person. Agreeable, loving, passionate. And it was the little things. Like one time she was in my home office talking to me. When she left, she picked up a dirty plate that was on my desk and took it to the kitchen. You may laugh, but this was uncharacteristic.

It went on like this for about a month. Just the happiest I've ever been in my marriage. I had a couple more IC sessions, and said I felt like I graduated. The therapist agreed.

Then.... A week later, we are watching season 1, episode 3 of Black Mirror: The Entire History of You. No one that visits this website should watch. Anyway, infidelity is a main plot point. The whole episode is triggering, but one scene really gets me. The husband comes to a party unexpectedly. When he walks in, he see's his wife talking to another guy. The wife is all giggly and warm, but when she realizes her husband is there, she gets cold. It's a sci-fi show, so the guy has this moment recorded, and he keeps playing the difference beetween her faces when she's talking to the husband vs this seemingly random guy.

IT HIT HOME. This is exactly how I felt with my wife and B. This fictional character's pain, was MY pain. All the negativity I felt before came screaming back. All my progress was negated.

I didn't want to ruin the awesomeness of the last few months, but it was eating me alive. I told my wife that I was emotionally affected by the episode. She was very understanding, but it did take a little off the high we were riding. And I can't get it out of my head.

Then, because the universe hates me, the next day B's wife "S" texts my wife suggesting they should set up a playdate. My wife shows me immediately. I just roll my eyes. A day later, I ask her if she had texted S back yet. She says, "no." I tell her to go ahead. I tell her that intellectually I'm ok, but that my emotions are a work in progress. We talk about B again, and she reassures me that nothing was ever going on. I ask her if B ever ended up substituting at her school (oh yes, I forgot that part...he volunteered to be a substitute teacher. To be fair, my wife showed me immediately when she found out.) She says, she doesn't know. Then she says it doesn't matter, because B and S are pulling their son out of the school anyway. When I ask why, she gives me the details. Cool, I think.

That night, around 4 AM, I wake up with dread.
1. How is it possible to not know if B ever substituted? It's a tiny school.
2. How did she know so many details about why the son was leaving if she's not in contact.

I confront her (gently) the next night. She has pretty realistic explanations. But honestly, I keep thinking about that inconsequential lie she told me and how convincing she would have been if I didn't have ironclad contrary proof.

Long post just to say that I'm a hot mess. Things are still good between us, but I fear that they are sliding back to normal. And I fear that there is too much hurt in me to let go. I really thought I was doing ok. But 1 f'n tv episode just blew everything up.

Thank you for reading...

Brother you’ve been heard. You seem to have unconverted a lot of clues that suggest your wife had an inappropriate relationship with this man. Doesn’t matter if we are men or women, there is no reason to delete emails, texts and calls logs if there is nothing to hide. At the very least, your wife has not shown respect to your boundaries. You clearly asked her to cut off all contact with this man and his family. Yet, she still remains in contact. You are driving yourself crazy because you are allowing yourself to be gaslit by her lies.

Hi, just read your post.

There's a reason you have trust issues, BOR9455 hit the nail on the head. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

How is it possible to not know if B ever substituted? It's a tiny school.

^^^Not sure how she responded to you, but my children attended small, private schools, the teachers, the children, AND parents knew exactly who was filling in for an absentee teacher. IMO, almost impossible not to know.

Your gut has been screaming, it is probably right. Maybe your wife didn't cheat physically, but could have emotionally or had a crush on this guy.

Keep in mind, all cheaters lie whether it's a physical affair, emotional affair, boundaries crossed, or inappropriate flirting.

You are triggering bc you feel you really don't have the full truth. You cannot rebuild on a bed of lies, have you thought about going back to counseling to somehow get her to open up in a safe environment?

Wow that was hard to read. As if it's a death by 1000 cuts. Too many coincidences in this story would lead me to give your wife the Side Eye too.

Thus far signs appear to suggest something is not right. Obviously trust your gut. Those 4am questions that you wake up and have are soul sucking, because by themselves they would seem innocuous. I'd do some detective work and look at your phone records, since you have shared accounts. If you find nothing that way...well, purely on a hunch on my part, from what you wrote, I'd also look for a burner phone. I would not be surprised in the least if she had one.

Try to play your cards close to the vest right now.

Just remember,cheaters lie, lie,and lie again

Sorry you are here

I remember watching that episode of Black Mirror on Netflix... Season 1, Episode 3... "The Entire Episode of You". Throughout the episode she just kept lying and changing her story of what happened between she and the slimy guy until the very end. That is when she ran out of believable lies. The scene where he walks away from the auto accident and he finally sees what truth really is... it is hard to watch the reaction that was on his face. I am sure that I probably looked like he did when I found out about my ex-fiance.

I am truly sorry this has been happening to you. Maybe one day you will find out all that has happened between your wife and B, but I doubt it.

I was telling my wife yesterday about two of my older brothers. They would lie when the truth would have made the story better. It was like they could not help it. I believe your wife would be right at home exchanging lies back and forth with those two brothers of mine.

Your wife has been gas lighting and lying to you for so long she might not even know what the truth is at this point.

I don't really have any advice for you. I just want to tell you that your pain comes through your post very strongly. I am sorry.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:41 PM, Monday, July 10th]

Shipmate, I just want you to know that you have been heard. I have to admit, I started getting a LOT of deja vu with this story; I am a retired 23-year Navy Warfare Officer, with three kids who got absolutely played by my (ex)wife. The full story is in the "After 9 ears of R I just got the 'I think I'm polyamorous afterall'" thread in the JFO section.

Needless to say, I will impart one lesson I wish I learned, and that is 'trust your gut' and 'the body keeps score.'

The things you have mentioned sound very familiar to the red flags I encountered, which all proved to be absolutely justified. Hopefully (or not, as we hope the case to be) me recounting mine will sound familiar? A few things stood out for me that now I just shake my head at:

- my wife was always talking about a married guy at work, and my first red flag should have been a 'work ski trip' that she was more than adamant about going on (my ex-wife HATES the snow, and HATES that my family loves skiing). Turns out the work ski trip was her, him, and some junior guy who wasn't in the know but came along unknowingly to provide some sense of legitimacy to the whole endeavour. The worst thing? AP picked her up FROM OUR HOUSE to go on it. The second laughgable thing? We were all going to the snow as a family a few days later anyway. Massive red flag #1. My brother even said, 'Mate, this is weird. Something is off.' I didn't believe she would evere cheat again 9 years later noting what we went through.

- I had a massive panic atatck at work, seemingly apropos of nothing. As I mentioned, career Navy officer, and at no point have I ever given in to stress. I was at work one day (a few days after she got back from a work trip to the US) and just felt my left arm go numb. Tried to shake it off, and my heart started pumping in my chest. Long story short, I went to hospital convinced I was in the middle of a heart attack. Had my bloods taken, to confirm that my heart was under zero stress, I was having a panic attack. You know what the first thing she said to me as she came into ER to find me on a hospital bed with a cannula in my arm? 'Well this is awfully convenient that you end up in hospital a day after I get home from a work trip.' The gall and sheer uncaring apathy still haunts me, I'll never forget it. She claimed later that she never said it, but it is burned in my head to this day. Red flag #2.

- With me now on high alert, found her phone completely devoid of any conversations with this guy, even though I knew full well they were conversing out of hours. I was always told it was 'just about work stuff'. Red flag #3. Now I was in full 'she's cheating' mode.

- A lot of 'I need to go into work on a weekend to catch up on things' trips that suddenly made more sense. Red flag #4.

- Fighting me/being contrarian on anything. I could have come home and said, 'I just need to get this off my mind, just had a massive argument today with someone who swears the sky is green instead of blue. Can you believe that?' and she would have snapped something back like, 'Well maybe is is green? Maybe you need to listen and understand that other person's point of view and understand who they are?' Insert any topic known to man, I was always wrong. Red flag #5.

- Starts actively buying new clothes and underwear that she NEVER was interested in before. I was told 'I'm just trying to mature my wardrobe'. Red flag #6.....and so on and so on.

Catch my drift? My gut knew. My body knew. Friends and family basically suspected. I am guessing you're in the same boat with a lot of jigsaw pieces spinning around your head that all seem to come together to form a 500 piece infidelity puzzle, but you can't seem to make them fit just yet as you don't have any corner 'a-ha!' pieces. Your gut is screaming at you, and so is your body. I was doing everything in the house; cooking, cleaning, working FT, manning the fort with 3 kids under 10 while she was off doing 'mandatory' Defence courses...and on top of all of the above, my mental health was taking a dive.

End state? Turns out she had been dating said-married workmate for a YEAR AND A HALF, before he dumped her for another side piece. A few weeks later she started banging another married guy on her course. I found out about the 2nd AP after I kicked her out of our house and returned her to the streets where she belongs. I am an intelligent guy, and yet she was able to lie so proficiently that this absolute mind-shatteringly blatant infidelity was kept from me. I'm still horrified how easy it was for her to lie. To the point where I think she actually lost track of what she had said. How did I find out? By waking up at 2am and realising I needed the truth, and going through her phone to find out. Turns out she's told her best 'friend' everything and that's how it all ended.

I REALLY hope you aren't in the same boat mate, but even my gut was screaming at me while reading your post. So much of it resonates. As people here often say, 'cheaters lie' and do they ever. Listen to your body my friend, a relationship isn't meant to be like this. I am out of infidelity now, and I realise how much just living with it was ruining me. I no longer have that weight around my neck, and save for the grief of the relationship breaking down, I no longer have to deal with that horror.

Post as often as you need mate, we are here to listen.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:27 AM, Monday, July 10th]

You want the truth?

Tell her you'll be separating until she has a polygraph done with you witnessing it.

It doesn't hurt to be reasonably vigilant. I do think your wife has exhibited some behaviors that wives in affairs often do. I also think these same behaviors are not always related to affairs.

She changed her password, but she gave it to you right away when you asked for it.

Her sex drive dropped and she was distant at times; that can happen for all sorts of reasons.

She used more makeup for a Saturday work event and then went to lunch... but you checked and saw it was with a gf.

You spied an interactoon with her and B but during it he stayed a distance from her instead of getting close.

I think there are red flags and there are RED flags and I am not sure you have the latter. Her nervousness at being brought to school that day does seems concerning but on the other hand, why would she have invited you to bring her instead of just the boxes if she was meeting her AP? Why wouldn't she have just said "I can handle the boxes"?

I mean, you've been watching out on and off for years, is that right? It seems like you've checked her phone, checked email and pc history, used the Ring doorbell camera etc etc. You've been pretty thorough, would you agree?

It does sound like she may have had a degree of infatuation for B. However, you have no facts that would lead me to conclude anything else happened. If it was me I would continue to be vigilant but, in the absence of additional data, try to relax a bit too. I guess you could use a VAR in her car to gather more perspective if you thought that would ease your mind.

Listen, our gut is not always correct. I know there are many people here who realized they should have trusted their gut but didn't. You however, seemed to have listened to your gut, watched pretty carefully, and came up empty. No smoking gun. Sometimes our inner mind runs away with us and it isn't helpful. Particularly if you have spent quite a bit of time here at SI reading over the last few months or years.

To me, it does not matter if she was actually cheating or not. What would matter to me is that you have been off-balance with her for years. What is wrong in your marriage that you are never able to relax? That’s the bottom line. You just don’t have a good marriage and have not had one in a very long time. I’ve read Hurthalos posts and he’s dealt with so much of the same thing you have in that you can’t quite find enough of a smoking gun but you know it’s there because you can smell the gunpowder. The bottom line is can you continue to live this way? Ifyou can’t, then don’t.

Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement.
I think my wife and I are close to a break-through. Maybe.
After my post, my wife and I went through a really good period. I mean really good.
She was really affectionate and kind. And I felt like doing little things for her again. I mean, I had never really stopped, but it had been a long time since I wanted to...if that makes any sense.
We had a really passionate love making session, and at climax, she started crying.
She says, "Thank you for fighting or us". Awesome!
Then she says, "I always felt loved, but now I feel adored." Ok.

I wanted to say, "imagine that, once you start putting some energy in the relationship, you will get some of that back". But I didn’t.

But it may me wonder what I was doing differently. So I started trying even harder.
Then one day, after I made a sarcastic comment, she says, "where did nice J (me) go?
So, now I’m wondering if I’ve been mean in the past, so I started trying even harder again.

I remembered that relationships should be 50/50. I soon realize that before everything blew up, I had been putting in 90% and she was putting in like 20% into the relationship. After I decided to not leave her after Hawaii, I felt like I was giving it my all. 100%.
Now after her comments, I felt like I was putting in 105% just to get her to put in her 50% (I know the math doesn’t really work, but stay with me).

I was constantly on edge, worried that I might say or do the wrong thing. And I realized that this was bullshit.

One morning she tells me that my daughter told her that the guy "B" had cut his hand pretty bad on a table saw. She asked me if it was ok for her to reach out to B’s wife and make sure he’s ok. I said yes, but I guess my face didn’t match my words. It was absolutely the right thing for her to do. And she absolutely did the right thing by asking me first. I still felt that stupid, irrational pit in my stomach. I told her that I was just being immature and insecure, which I was.

Later, we had a really great weekend out of town and I really didn’t want to disrupt the high we were on. I was trying to hold everything in, when we had a little incident. Nothing really, very minor. But basically, she gave three wildly different and contradictory answers to a very simple question. I just blurted out, "I do not feel safe in this relationship".

I explained everything (again). But this time I really emphasized that the fact that she "doesn’t know" what caused her detachment makes me uneasy. Because now I don’t know that it won’t happen again. I tell her that her go-to line of "she was doing the best she could at the time" sounds a lot like an excuse to me. I tell her that I flat out need two things from her:

1. Why did you neglect my needs, sometimes purposely, when I specifically told you that I was hurting and what I needed?
2.What did she mean when she said me looking at her was "too much?

During our discussion, she figures out that I was decided to leave her while in Hawaii. This was a big shock to her. Obviously, I had changed my mind, but the fact that I had even thought about it really surprised her.

Anyway, the combination of her realizing I wasn’t happy when she thought everything was going well plus the revelation that I had thought about divorce really made her do some soul-searching.

The next day, she comes to me and we have a good talk. She says that she finally realizes how bad it was and how inconsiderate she was (she actually says that she was a complete asshole). She explains all the stressors that were going on in her life at the time and how she wasn’t coping very well. She said she just didn’t realize how unhappy I was. And she realizes that she had been really selfish and that she was really, really sorry.

About the guy "B". She says, "there was nothing going on with that guy. Some of the parents were very mean (and they were), and I just liked the fact that he thought I was doing a good job". I really think that I caught this thing in the most early stages. I know her better maybe than she knows herself, and I know the energy I saw between them. Maybe I recognized the danger before she did.

Anyway, I think the seriousness of the situation finally hit her. And I think she is really trying to find answers. She still swears that she doesn’t remember saying the thing about looking at her, so I’ll never get that answer. It’s definitely the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me, so I will never forget it. But I am hopeful that we will finally address the past so that we can move forward.

I am glad to hear you have opened up about how you feel and that the level of dialogue has gone up significantly. Congratulations.

I think you may well have caught what was potentially the beginning of an EA but, as you said, caught it early. I thought that in my earlier post and perhaps it is being more confirmed now. A lack of support in teaching and then 'B' is very supportive might be all it takes for her to have some feelings; not necessarily overtly romantic yet but feeling good and that could develop into more. Many years ago I was coaching a woman at work and being supportive of her. Using lots of listening etc. I started to notice her attitude toward me subtly change.... a red flag for me to pull back just a bit, to go out of my way to mention my wife and family in positive ways etc. This stuff happens and it is natural but it's also where you need to be aware of boundaries and how to reinforce them.

Do you think it would be helpful for her to read up on boundaries and what to look out for? Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass has helped a lot of people here.

As far as her comment about you watching her, that's an interesting one. My wide has commented on me watching her a few times but not negatively. More out of curiosity. But there was a time many years ago when she pushed back on me touching her publicly. Well, what I call touching her she referred to as being groped, lol. Yes, it was a bit sexual but not crazy overt. She didn't like it. I was a bit offended but stopped doing it. Now, years later, I am doing it again and she seems to like the attention. Go figure, right? Something was off putting back then for her but isn't now. It had nothing to do with an A but I bring it up because these things happen and I think sometimes women don't want to be seen as just an object of our lust and, well, sometimes they do.

A word of caution. If you reread your post you find a concerning pattern. You face problems with your wife and/or find (inconclusive) evidence - red flags - and your concern and stress grow. Eventually you do something to confront the issue and good relationship/sex happens for a time and you end up feeling all is right in the relationship. That this happens seems to me like normal life. That it keeps repeating seems to me to be a significant indication of a deep problem(s). Whether or not that problem involves an EA/PA is an open question. I think you should be concerned that with good sex and renewed attention you are being manipulated into a pattern of sweeping evidence of problems under the rug. If temporary repair to the relationship keeps you from looking at things objectively you are going to miss the significance of the evidence you have. I wish I had a solution. I have faced a similar problem and have no answer. All I can do is offer this as a caution and invite you to reread what you have written with this pattern in mind and see what you think.

TRDD:
Thank you. I am cautiously optimistic that we are on the road to a better relationship. And I think this whole incident has really taught her about boundaries. I think the lack of boundary issue hurt me so much because I had done the exact opposite when the roles were reversed. When one of her co-workers aggressively tried to have an affair with me, I put up structural boundaries (like never being in the same place alone, refusing to answer her messages on xbox chat / talk, etc.) I just felt I deserved the same in return...especially after I indicated that it was hurting me.

Lostinmarriage:
I completely hear you. I think this time is a little different, because we're not doing the hysterical bonding this time. It's a lot more of just hugs and talking. Right now I have no evidence to counter what my wife says is the truth. But I think getting her to admit that she felt good talking to him was a big "aha" moment for her. I will stay vigilant though, but honestly it is so exhausting. I'm hoping that I can relax just a little.