SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone,

I did post here a few days ago, but hope no-one minds that I need to create a new post (owing to things coming to a head today)

Just a little on my backstory...

A little under 5 years ago, I discovered my partner had been visiting another female without my knowledge, I will admit that it created pain that I never thought possible, although he always maintained it was support for a problem he was going through (yes, that is correct, discussed it with someone other than myself, his partner). I had all the usual, "you are jealous" stuff etc, and at that point could not understand that what he had done was wrong! So, we went to a counselling, where it was explained to him why it was wrong, and what was needed to work on the relationship. During this time, he still could not sit down and work through the whole details of how he ended up going to see this other woman, I agreed to give him time to do this, but it took until two years ago.

At this point two years ago, I also discovered the woman in question had rightly told him he really needed to go home and talk to me, rather than go to her, but then also discovered on a spare phone that he had continued to message her, although as far as she was concerned she had distanced herself from him,and rightly so, so it was him that tried to pursue with text messages. So I believe he had formed some sort of emotional connection,even though she had made it clear to him that it was wrong to be discussing his problems outside of his relationship. What then followed, was, him agreeing to go to counselling by himself.

So, after his counselling ended, and because I truly did forgive what had happened, I agreed to move on and work at the relationship, while explaining what it was I needed from him to make me feel safe, supported and understood. I truly believed this was to be a turning point for us and tried hard to make it work. Now I believe I made a mistake.

He had improved in some ways, being less defensive when I try to discuss issues, but this has not lasted long, he makes no emotional connection with me at all, no intimacy, and has really gone in the opposite direction and created distance from me. Any attempt I have made to ask what is wrong or ask why he does not come near me have resulted in defensiveness and argument, I then get angry (which is what I understand from speaking to my own therapist as reactive abuse) something I am extremely ashamed of. He is good in other ways, being kind, and making sure I have everything I need, but I feel so empty, alone and unloved. I have also had to deal with him making it so very obvious in my company that he is blatantly ogling other women, the first time I explained how disrepected and uncomfortable it made me feel and he stopped doing it for a while, but then it started again very recently. He also told me he could not connect with me because of the shame he felt over what he did, I honestly find it hard to believe that in all that time he has been unable to deal with that.

This came to a head today, because I tried to discuss something with him (unrelated to the above) and he was unable to relate to me in a respectful adult manner, This is where my story ends, I have finally drawn the line in the sand with him today and told him I will not tolerate living like this anymore, because quite frankly, for me, it is unacceptable to live life this way...fortunately, I was well prepared for the gaslighting, blameshifting and contempt that I was faced with, because this is how he conducts himself, He then left the house for work. Now I am left with the realisation that I am 61 years old, financially dependent and unable to support myself. Having a hard time just thinking clearly right now, but I have had enough of it all and just need to know I will be OK.I am scared for the future. I cannot afford to see my therapist any longer because money is tight and I have no other support network to talk to.

Thank you for being here and listening...Is this really what reconciliation should look like?

Daisy. This is not R. This is something… limbo, or False R or just a bad relationship.
And you know this is not good— you’ve known for a while.

So here’s the hug (((hug))) - I am sorry you are hurting.

What do you want? Are you really stuck? Or can you get your ducks together and get out? Are you married? Kids? Do you work and will your job support you?

Or, if you feel you need to stay (and I hope you don’t), how can you DETACH and live a better life. More like roommates.

What do you want to do? If you could do anything?

I’ll give you a big e-hug. Sorry things are so rough right now.

BearlyBreathing,

Thank you for your kind message of support and the hug.

In all honesty, the way I feel right now, I do not know what I want (that is an honest answer from the heart) Today I did something I have never done before, I stood up to the disrespect, I calmly stated that I could not live like this anymore..Then the usual gaslighting ensued, then he walked out.

As stated in my post, I am financially dependent on my partner and unable to leave because of that reason. For the last few years all I have wanted is for him to meet me halfway to make this relationship work. I can clearly see now that it is not going to happen...for him to say it is his own shame that is causing this, is something that I find hard to believe. Perhaps you could share your thoughts on this as someone who is possibly more experienced with all this than myself

I have made my thoughts clear to him, but unsure how to deal with anything else going forward

InkHulk,

Thank you so much for the big hug, yes, it has been a rough time and it is not getting better in any way

Your support is comforting, Thank you

for him to say it is his own shame that is causing this, is something that I find hard to believe.

I happen to have some pretty first hand experience in this area, my wife’s toxic shame has been a problem our entire 18 years of marriage and a total disaster post A. Maybe it’s a cover for something else in your partner, but shame can block intimacy and I think some people feel it much stronger than others. And an affair (obviously) a highly shameful thing, a shame prevalent person might get buried under that. If you are interested, that may be an entry point to some of his whys.

I really hope the hurt subsides for you soon and you can find hope and light.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:11 AM, Friday, July 7th]

InkHug,

Thank you for your reply, perhaps I was a little harsh, but cannot for the life of me understand within a 5 year time frame,why my partner has not taken the steps to deal with his shame and move forward, I may be completely being dumb here, but if you wanted something so badly (the relationship) would you not do the work needed to hold on to that relationship?

I have tried to discuss on many occasions, to no avail. I simply cannot fix this by myself, if he won't open up and connect emotionally, I have nowhere left to go with this.

Sitting on the fence and not dealing with issues is not going to fix anything...I am truly at a loss here because I can't do anymore. even if the point you make is the reason, I cannot deal with that for him, neither can I sit around any longer while he hopes someone/something else will fix the problem for him..it is hopeless.

I thank you for your message and do not wish to sound ungrateful, but I truly do not have anywhere to go with a partner who will not open up to me

My XWH said he struggled with shame, and he wasn't able to do the work to be a safe partner. I watched his actions more than listened to his words. Well, his actions showed he was more than willing to keep cheating.

For me, filling for D was the best decision, but must admit that I made 2x more than XWH.

To me, it sounds like he should have stayed in IC or needed a different one.

Sending you a big virtual hug. This can't be easy at all but you seriously don't deserve this treatment. He has no excuse. It almost feels like he's still trying to cover up something whether that's physical or emotional issues of his own. But it doesn't seem like he's taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration at all which is truly unfair after cheating on you.

I'm hoping you standing up to him might be a wake up call for him to realise this behaviour can't continue. But it does seem like you'll be better off without him emotionally. However the financial situation must make it tough. Is there anyone you may be able to get some support from or any steps you may be able to take to build on gaining some financial independence?

Hi leafields,

Thank you so much for your support, as hard as this is for me, I am simply not taking this behavior anymore, I don't know if the shame is a real issue, but even if it is, he should be doing the required work to overcome that...he hasn't done that. I am so sorry that you faced the same reason given for the lack of work that was put in to the relationship, this stuff is emotionally draining... not to mention disrespectful.

I have not even been to sleep all night, just sat here reading posts etc, now the awful realisation of what is happening has finally dawned on me, I feel such a fool for allowing this to happen for so long.

I am managing to find a little comfort by being here right now

Hi Confused10,

Many many thanks for your message of support, in answer to your question, I don't have any support which I can turn to right now, that is the other horrible realisation I have had, being so emotionally and financially dependent on this man, I have quite literally put all my eggs in one basket here, so, no...I am stuck financially, I could work part time (have a small disability) but it would not be enough to support myself.

I am angry at myself more than anything for allowing myself to be manipulated in this way, for the life of me I do not know where to go from here, just finding comfort from being here at the SI is all I can focus on right now.

There is no way on this earth he will agree to separate without an ugly fight, because it is all about him and how badly he is struggling (cue the gaslighting etc) and emotionally I feel unable to deal with that right now.

Any words of wisdom for dealing with this in the short term would be appreciated

An update from this afternoon

I have now had to suffer numerous phone calls for my partner to explain how all this is unjust and unfair on him WTF And how he does not talk to me because this is what it results in, it is a bitter pill to swallow that I have put up with this gaslighting and blameshifting for so long...but it is good that I know exactly what he is doing.

Right now, I need to find the mental capacity to put an end to the disrespect, I already told him on the phone that his issues are his to address, not for me or anyone else to fix it for him,upon hearing this he out the phone down and continues to use the same destructive behaviour patterns that got him where he is currently.

Right now, I don't know if I can find the mental strength to continue to stand up to him and his shitty behaviour and his inability to recognise that his problems are his to own.

My options here seem pretty limited, stay and put up with this, or leave and have nothing...I am not a cruel person by nature, and find it difficult to stand up for myself when the going gets tough, but at the same time I cannot continue to live a life of mental and emotional turmoil

So sad my life has come to this

I am assuming you are not married? How is your credit? There are other women in the same position out there. Perhaps you could move out and get a roommate or two? The other option is to learn to grey rock. Google it. Try to withdraw your emotions and just live as a roommate. I know it's so hard, but if he won't change, you will have to.

You sound very pragmatic and strong. You will get through this.

Hi FunhouseMirror,

Yes, you are correct, not married thankfully, that would be even more messy. I simply would not have the financial ability to support myself, bottom line would probably have to be women's aid for support, I cannot afford to pay for more counselling.

It is looking very much like he has issues mentally, I am not qualified to diagnose anything here, but the fact that he is the victim in all this, uses manipulation tactics to control the narrative and generally believes he is not the cause of any of these issues cannot surely be normal??

I also find myself the giver of reactive abuse in response to his behaviour, I know it is wrong, but so difficult to master.

Thank you for your support here, it means a lot.

Big hug to you, Dreamdaisy,

I don't know if the shame is a real issue, but even if it is, he should be doing the required work to overcome that...he hasn't done that.

One of the helpful mantras here at SI is to watch a wayward's actions, don't listen to their words. From that advice, one of my "ah-ha" moments was (during an IC session) in discussing what might be the "whys" behind H's lack of progress in taking certain actions during our attempt at R. Was the lack of work due to shame? Was he capable of doing the work? Or was he doing his best but not capable? My lightening strike moment was this: The answer to "why is he not doing the work?" didn't matter to me.

What mattered to me was that he wasn't doing the work--the work that needed done for him to become a safe partner to me.

It seems like you have reached this point.

You are seeing him clearly, and you know relationship isn't working for you.

If you can't leave, then detach.

Detach emotionally as much as possible. Quit caring that he is only a roommate to you. Expect no more than that, give no more than that.

Then, reach out to others and other pursuits. Build emotional support from friends. (I'm not nudging you toward your own affair BTW.) Build self-satisfaction through your own pursuits and taking care of YOU.

I'm so sorry that your relationship has devolved to this.

Find joy in your own interests.

(((Hugs to you)))

Hi BreakingBad,

Your support with this is comforting.

And yes, I truly believe that is going to be my option, at least for now. I have read the healing library and listened to Dr Ramani on you tube, a lot of what she describes is what is happening here. I guess it does not matter if we can put a name to this behaviour (that is on top of the cheating) it only matters that we can recognise and deal with that accordingly.

I fully grasp the importance of detaching, for the sake of my own emotional wellbeing. I could not however, find any information to deal with his reaction to that, because he is so fragile and needy, he will pick up on that right away.

Do you know the real tragedy of all this (apart from the obvious) is that he is the mask wearer to all others, displaying none of the behaviours that I witness under this roof, this is complicated stuff and a total sham of a relationship, to finally have the realisation of that just breaks my heart.

Oh Dreamdaisy I'm so sorry. I really feel your pain on this one. I totally see the complexity with the financial situation from your reply. Definitely not a simple one to make a decision on because you don't want to put yourself in a bad position financially. I've felt similar because I'm currently pregnant and dealing with this whole A mess. There are days when I'm desperate to run but I know in reality it could impact other areas of my life badly and I don't think I can take that right now as dealing with this A is enough of an emotional pain as it is!

My WH is making improvements but it's still a mess as some days are ok and others are terrible! But he definitely has moments of trying to push the blame on me. Things changed when he realised he could seriously lose me. I didn't think he would be bothered since the A made me think he naturally had no interest in me at all. I told him to leave and go to the OW and somehow now it's made him calm down a bit. I'm hoping the more you stand up for yourself your partner will do the same. Although it's so hard to know what's going through their heads. I can't believe what he comes out with sometimes!

I agree with those who said to focus on yourself. It was hard and still is, but finding at least one thing to do for myself each week helped me a lot. It wasn't easy as my pregnancy symptoms have limited how much I can do and my low emotions didn't help. But I've had a few good weeks of creating my own happiness and I think him seeing this has also had an impact on him