SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I tried writing down my story, but turned out to be 5 pages...

Either way, I found out he had made a profile on a datingwebsite to chat up other women. He said he was bored and didn't feel as loved by me anymore. He also said that thát's no excuse and he is extremely sorry for hurting me this much and fucking up like this. That he will do anything to fight for me, for us and that he does not want to lose me at all.

It's not that he physically cheated, "just" some sexual chats and he called a bit with one person. I found out quickly enough. He made a profile during the night and the next day I knew. I'm not a phone snooper, but there has been some things leading up to the point where I did that morning. A strong gut feeling, that, I will forever trust now.

After a lot of talking, emotions, rollercoasters we decided to give it another go. I set some new agreements:
- No more alcohol for him, not a sip or he can pack his stuff too. He has a history of drinking too much and I already told him it bothered me. I even said it made me not want to have sex with him. But at the time I guess he rather drank. Or better yet, have both, by talking to other women. Idiot.
- Get out of bed earlier, so we can actually do stuff together
- I get access to his phone at all times and I don't want to hear a word about it

So far we have been doing okay. It took a lot for me to be intimate, but it does get easier if he tries to be better too. Warm up the oven and you can get cake kind of thing. He hasn't drank at all since then, which is great and helps a ton.

However, phone checking has been becoming an obsession. As if I'm looking to catch him with something. And in my mind I keep thinking he must be hiding things better. But he does leave his phone in the livingroom if he goes to bed or he doesn't cling on it. I want to believe, but the back of my mind tells me he did it before.

He also seems to sleep in more again. Yesterday he got out of bed at 12:30. I was already up since 9. And I got so frustrated with it that I just barely talked to him. I don't want to hear how he then thinks I should wake him up. I'm not some sex alarm or some shit. You wake up yourself. We didn't get to eat breakfast together, we didn't get to do anything before I had to get to work. Just a wasted day.

And that was day 2 without sex and that makes me feel insecure too. Like oh no, what if he thinks it's not enough. What if he get frustrated again?

It's been only, checks date, huh, it's been exactly a month ago since d-day. Great, a special day! Everything is still so fresh. Some days I'm feeling great and in love and want to be intimate. Other days I have dreams I catch him again and we get into a huge fight. Other days I just feel insecure and down.

I haven't really had a reason to be upset with him. He has been great actually, besides the sleeping in. Sometimes I feel that he's all good now I took him back and he goes his merry way and I'm still struggling. Why couldn't he just have listened to me sooner when I told him to stop his stupid drinking?!

Hi BP,

I'm so sorry you had to find this site, but there is excellent collective wisdom here.

A couple of questions:

How long have you been in a relationship with him? Also, married or a committed dating pair or living together? Kids?

You say:

He said he was bored and didn't feel as loved by me anymore. He also said that thát's no excuse and he is extremely sorry for hurting me this much and fucking up like this.

He's right that it's no excuse, but it also doesn't sound like he's taking much personal responsibility.

When a person is feeling as though their partner doesn't love them anymore, the answer to that is communication, or couple's counseling, or even leaving the relationship.

The choice to cheat is a choice to do something that fulfills your own needs at the expense of your partner and the relationship. It's selfish and destructive and shows a huge lack of empathy for your partner.

It's not that he physically cheated, "just" some sexual chats and he called a bit with one person. I found out quickly enough. He made a profile during the night and the next day I knew.

How certain are you about this timeline? Do you have objective proof of when his profile was made or is this just what he's told you? In my opinion, it's important to know the true breadth and depth of the cheating.

The parameters you've put in place (no drinking, phone access, prioritize time together) are a good start.

It is interesting that he has already failed to prioritize getting up early to spend time with you. Wasn't his excuse to stray his feeling that you didn't love him??? Yet, here he is so quickly not taking action on making it a priority to spend time with you. The idea that "he'll do anything to fight" for you didn't last long.

Are you feeling loved by this man and his actions?

It's OK to take some time to watch his actions and see if he is worthy of your time and energy.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 11:41 PM, Friday, June 9th]

Setting up a dating profile is a very deliberate act. This is not about YOU and how YOU failed as a partner. For now, until he digs deeper, this is a guy looking for sex outside your relationship. That's it, period. He was looking for someone else to fuck.

He needs to step up his game wayyyyy further to combat the very fair and reasonable distrust you have right now.

Sounds like he's some version of man child (sleeping until noon, complaining about what he doesn't get with no effort on his part to contribute).

My suggestion to you is to stop wife-ing him. He has betrayed you and hard. It's on him to atone for that and you shouldn't be making his life easy and/or guiding him on how to step up and be a man. Read up on the modified 180.

Mostly, start expecting him to behave like an adult male and when he doesn't, don't make up the difference. Hold your ground in expecting him to show up.

Focus on you. Eat well, sleep well, hydrate. See a doctor if you need help with those. See your friends for support. Post here.

He doesn't seem to act like a guy that thinks he's got much to lose here. That's either because he thinks you won't leave him or because he doesn't think that much of the relationship. Show him how wrong he is.

I’m sorry you had to find us. None of thought we’d be here but here we are. I want to repeat with others have said, none of this is your fault. Your H is broken and he needs to dig deep to find his whys and work on that so it doesn’t happen again.

He said he was bored and didn't feel as loved by me anymore.

This is surface level justifications. These are the first lies they tell themselves, they start to believe it. So when they get caught they spout this stuff. This is not his true "why".

Obsession over checking his phone will ease up as your gut settles. After I had the accurate timeline and all the disclosures, my gut settled. She would leave her phone laying all over the house. She was no longer hiding it so I was settled in my gut.

R is a long hard road, it starts honesty and transparency, he needs to lead the way.

I am so sorry that you are here. You are in the beginning stages of this, so you have quite a way to go towards healing, but I do like that you have laid out the ground rules on things to make you feel safe. If you do not feel safe, then it is hard to move on and forward. Have you discussed counseling? I think that would be good to start also. I hope that he continues to show you that he is working to make amends, but definitely recommend adding counseling too. Also don't be too hard on yourself, take baby steps when it comes to trying to get back to normal. Some days it is two steps forward and three steps back. It is a process and takes time. I will pray for you! I know how hard this is and feel your pain. God Bless.