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Divorce/Separation :
And here we go

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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 9:17 PM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

I'm glad to hear you're making some changes. Next, after painting, a sage ceremony? laugh

It sounds like DS is processing this as best as possible. I find sometimes my daughter holds in things she's upset about for so long that it comes out in the form of an ugly cry over a relatively minor (but common) annoyance. I've learned to just sit next to her, scratch her back and kiss her head.

It's good your DS has a mom like you.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8799295
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:04 AM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Thank you. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can whike still making sure the kids have routine and stability and don't try to get away with crap lol. Kids ya know.

I need some help. What are good questions for my lawyer?

I have some but I want input from the great people here.

TIA

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 2:47 PM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Maybe post a new thread specifically for lawyer questions?

My suggestions:
-confirm what financial supports you should get from WH and the best way to ensure you get them
-ask about your options with the house/mortgage
-ask about visitation rules and ages
-do you want to have a rule about the kids not allowed around OW? impossible to enforce, but I know some have had this or similar rules
-ask how the assault charge will effect the divorce process
-is there a tentative timeline?

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8799587
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:01 PM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Thank you.

Yes I have those questions I guess just worded a bit differently.

is there a tentative timeline?

What do you mean by this? Timeline for when I'll start seeing support from stxwh?

Or timeline for the divorce process?

I was told once he is served he has 30 days to file his response. Once he does we will be given a court date.

How that will work with a no contact order I'm unsure.

For criminal court I was informed that if I have to testify it will be from a different room via camera monitor. They won't put us in the same room. Hopefully it's the same for family court so I do have how that will work on my list of questions.

I have the question about limiting access by AP and oc. Stxwh has really pushed dd to meet OC and I know it's to much for her. She's asked him questions and while he answered some he said he wanted to talk about it in person instead. She said she didnt want to becauze she knows he'd get angry. So I'm going to really push for supervised visitation for now because of his anger. He can put on a show for the court though and play the poor dad who doesn't get to see his kids so I've got to use all the stuff I have (hopefully including the report from CAS) to make sure the kids are kept safe.

Just the fact that he abandoned his kids financially and I was left relying on the generosity of others and the community will be bad for him.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:44 PM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

I think you also need to understand about how to split costs on things for the kids that are outside the child support; orthodontics, major medical, glasses, tuition, university/college, cars/car insurance, extra field trips or camp, etc.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6052   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 4:55 PM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Oh that's good too. Thank you.

The government benefits I'm on provides for glasses, dental and prescription for myself and the kids. The kids are also on stxwh benefits for dental.

It's good you brought this up because I figured all he'd have to do is his support payments and I'd get stuck with everything else.

DD will be driving next year and it's best she take formal lessons to help reduce insurance.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8799608
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hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 2:38 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Sorry to hear that you are going through so much. I have some experience divorcing in Ontario.

My xh is a narcissist which made for a very difficult and expensive divorce.

My experience the courts moved very slowly. I was mid sized town in southern Ontario.

You need to have your stbxwh's CPP (Canada Pension Plan) split, for the years you were together. This will help you in retirement for the years that you have not had an income. I believe you can file the paperwork yourself, help keep lawyers fees down.

I would assume that your stbxwh and his baby's momma have already got child support going. There is a chart available online that you can calculate child support payments. You input your stbxwh income from last year and number of children, it will give you a rough idea of child support. If you are worried he will stop paying, best to sign up for FRO (family responsiblity office), they will take your money before he gets his money, forward the funds to you.

Your stbxwh will be responsible for 50% of agreed upon extra things for the children like drivers education. You will be responsible for the other 50%.

Work benefits he must keep the children on his benefits as long as they are in school, even college. Any amount that benefits do not cover is split 50/50 between you and stbxwh.

You can also be kept on stbxwh benefits, you have to ask for this during divorce process. You can also ask for a % of stbxwh work pension, and any RRSP(registered retirement savings plan) he may have.

You need an income if you are planning on keeping your farm. To qualify for a mortgage you need a steady income. I don't believe that mortgage brokers or banks accept child support as an income.

As for stbxwh seeing the kids, if you could find a safe place for exchange police station,or maybe a friend that would be willing to help. When you meet with lawyer you will already be showing that you are wanting to facilitate a relationship with your children and their father.

I will assume that at first your stbxwh will see his kids, but he will stop showing up, it won't take long.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:57 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

All good information thank you.

You need to have your stbxwh's CPP (Canada Pension Plan) split, for the years you were together. This will help you in retirement for the years that you have not had an income. I believe you can file the paperwork yourself, help keep lawyers fees down.

Thank you I hadn't thought if this.


I would assume that your stbxwh and his baby's momma have already got child support going. There is a chart available online that you can calculate child support payments. You input your stbxwh income from last year and number of children, it will give you a rough idea of child support. If you are worried he will stop paying, best to sign up for FRO (family responsiblity office), they will take your money before he gets his money, forward the funds to you.

I make no assumptions. If she has so be it. He knew that's why I would D as soon as I found out about an OC because I wanted to file first. And yes I know about FRO and it's already in my paperwork to be used.

Your stbxwh will be responsible for 50% of agreed upon extra things for the children like drivers education. You will be responsible for the other 50%.

That's fine with me.

Work benefits he must keep the children on his benefits as long as they are in school, even college. Any amount that benefits do not cover is split 50/50 between you and stbxwh.

Again that's fine with me.

You can also be kept on stbxwh benefits, you have to ask for this during divorce process. You can also ask for a % of stbxwh work pension, and any RRSP(registered retirement savings plan) he may have.

Not sure I want to but I do need some things. If it doesn't conflict with the benefits I'm getting from other assistance then I'll ask to be kept on for now.

He doesn't have a Pension at this employer but his precious job did so I'm bringing that up.

You need an income if you are planning on keeping your farm. To qualify for a mortgage you need a steady income. I don't believe that mortgage brokers or banks accept child support as an income.

Already spoke to the mortgage Company. I know what can and can't be used as income. As it stands right now with what is accepted I should be ok.

As for stbxwh seeing the kids, if you could find a safe place for exchange police station,or maybe a friend that would be willing to help. When you meet with lawyer you will already be showing that you are wanting to facilitate a relationship with your children and their father.

I will assume that at first your stbxwh will see his kids, but he will stop showing up, it won't take long.

Due to his violent behaviour and the chance that he could take the kids and not return them(with no current court orders in place), I was advised to keep the kids with me until a court decides otherwise. He has video, phone and text access to the kids. Some may think me mean but he was violent with me and them so I'm protecting them. Besides, arranging visitation through a third party is not allowed right now as per his conditions.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:58 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

There's much that I haven't discussed becauze he can read here. Rest assured I'm doing everything as per instructed by legal counsel.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:10 AM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

The system has totally failed! I was assured that filing MY taxes would mean I'd still get the child tax benefit.

I was relying on that payment today to get us through the next month until the OW benefit came in. It was going to be very tight but I knew we'd manage.

Well it didnt come.

Stxwh didn't do HIS taxes. He can spend money on stupid shit but can't pay to habe his taxes filed. mad

I'm totally screwed. I don't have enough gas to even get to town tomorrow for my appointment to file paperwork, never mind grocery money.

I still have to wait until the end of August to have my status changed to single so that my child tax benefits would go up.

The system has failed! 90 days separated before they accept me as a single mother is bullshit. I feel so defeated right now. crying

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:40 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Oh and it gets better. Because I now can't pay my upcoming insurance for my vehicle I had to cancel the policy before the payment was due so I wouldn't get dinged for non payment. Now I can't drive. Fml.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

I'm sorry to hear that you are caught up in the mess that the cra is.

My xh refused to file the paperwork that stated we were separated, even my court documents couldn't make cra see that we were not together.

This years child tax benefits are based on your taxes that you filed by the end of April. They reset your benefits in July.

You could try contacting your member of parliament to see if there is anything that they can do to help.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:49 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

My xh refused to file the paperwork that stated we were separated, even my court documents couldn't make cra see that we were not together.

I expect mine will do the same. CRA said that the questionnaire they send out after the 90 days of separation has to be filled out and returned by both parties. She then said not to expect payment for the difference for months. Stupid slow a$$ government!

This years child tax benefits are based on your taxes that you filed by the end of April. They reset your benefits in July.

Yes however we didn't file due to lack of money. Money he was spending on his second family. I filed mine by the June 28th deadline for the July payment and the company that has done our taxes since we moved here told me I would still get the money even if he didn't file. I specifically asked them if he didn't file by June 28th would I still get it and they said yes. mad had I known I wouldn't I would have paid for his to be filed.

You could try contacting your member of parliament to see if there is anything that they can do to help.

I can try but it's not going to get me groceries this week lol.

I'm so done. I should have just offed myself and let him bring in his new family. At least my kids would be getting fed.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 7:01 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

I know how hard of a struggle it is, hang in there

Were you and your stbxwh still living together on December 31st 2022.

If so than you can file the income tax as married. You only file single if you were separated on or before December 31st 2022.

I think you should be able to file it yourself using one of the free tax programs. All you need is your stbxwh T4.

Then when you update at the 90 day time limit you will get your new rate. Plus any additional money owed.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:27 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

It was filed as married but thr place we go to always did it separate so that I got back a folder and wh got his. They did the same this year but split the bill for doing them.

I called and specifically asked if I would lose my child benefit if wh didnt pay to have his e-filed and they told me no. You'd think if they do taxes for a living they would know. Even the CRA said I was fine as long as my taxes were processed before June 28th, which they were.

It's just made things 110% harder for me now.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

*bangs head on table*

So, does anyone know how to have stxwh served when I was informed at the courthouse that having him served may be considered third party communication and will result in me getting in trouble?!?

Seriously!!!!!

duh

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 10:34 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Your lawyer will be able to hire a process server.

There is no way that the courts will have you charged with moving forward with a divorce. Especially because of the other child. If the laws are still the same you won't have to be separated for a year for your divorce to be granted.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:09 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Lawyer asked me to get all the stuff filed and wh served on my own. He's swamped for the next couple of weeks and wanted my stuff done/filed before he formally takes my case.

I also want it filed asap because it will take another 30 days from the day wh is served before he is required to have his forms filed.

And to top off my stress meter the crown attorney called me while I was doing family court papers at the courthouse and wants me to make a full report to police then have a face to face meeting with him.

I am between a rock and hard place when it comes to what to do with the criminal aspect of all of this since wh might face more charges and jail time. That sure as Heck doesn't help me or the kids.

I wish someone would just say DO THIS or DO THAT lol

So far everyone says it's up to me and I don't know what to do!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 11:30 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

You can have him served by mail, registered signature required. If you go that route I would have him served at work.

You can hire a professional yourself, they would guide you.

You could have someone you know serve him, I would have this done at his place of employment as well.

Did your lawyer look over the paperwork to make sure everything was complete

Edit to add if you know who your stbxwh lawyer is you can have the paperwork served through them. You just have someone take the paperwork to lawyers office.

[This message edited by hemademesingle at 11:35 PM, Tuesday, July 25th]

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:42 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

The lawyer specified what forms to make sure were filled out and the court support worker, who does this for the womans shelter, and I had already filled them out. The only other form he suggested was dealing with children's aid involvement.

The lawyer did not go over the package no, but it was complete.

And no, I can't just have someone I know serve stxwh. That's third party. The only exceptions to communication are through a lawyer, through a family court order or family mediator or for him to get his belongings with police present.

The police have been VERY SPECIFIC about what I can and cannot do. I couldn't have the insurance company call stxwh and tell him the payment was due, that's third party.

I'm calling the lawyer tomorrow to see what his suggestion is. If I can't get a hold of him, the court has duty council available I can either call or go see in person.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25797   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
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