SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yep, found out more information. Same time frame but more involved. He says he had no info on her. I'm going to get his work cell records and find it. Have her full name confirmed though. Can't find anything online. But will get that. Shit, maybe she will verify some things for me, at least I can stress her the fuck out.

I told him he is actively killing us with his half truths and lies. That his own ego and perceived self preservation is fucking killing us. I would be 6 days from ground zero if he would have been brave and honest. Now I'm starting over again with zero trust.

I just don't know what to do for my kids. Splitting would be so hard on them. But he is destroying the love I have for him.

It's very unusual to get the truth the first time. TT sucks! My XWH gave the excuse that he didn't want to hurt me. Nah, you were covering your cheating butt.

But if you start, what kind of relationship are you teaching them? It's may be better in a broken home than with a broken relationship.

Most of us have dealt with the TT for a while after the initial discovery.
Your words to him are very clear and important for him to understand. I would suggest that you also implement consequences for more TT. Give him the weekend to write out a clear timeline. If anything comes out after that, then be prepared to send him to the couch, or mom's house for a week.
He won't change if you don't let him know you will not tolerate it anymore.

The whole " you have to be willing to lose the M to save the M" thing is very true.
My H didn't so much hide truths from me, but he did keep breaking NC. So when I had enough about 30 days out from the initial DDay, I kicked him out. It was the impetus he needed to pull his head from his a$$.

Hang in there demand the respect you deserve.

The choice is up to you, but most posters on SI typically advise against contacting the other woman (OW). The 2 most likely outcomes are that she will lie to protect him or lie/embellish details of the affair just to hurt you and fuck up your marriage even more than she already has.

The only benefit I can see to contacting her is that you will probably find out rather quickly if they're still in touch, since her first course of action after speaking with you will be to flip out on your WH.

You balked at this suggestion from Hellfire in your last thread, but your best best is to find out whether OW has a husband or partner (Other Betrayed Spouse [OBS]) and tell him what's going on. To reiterate Hellfire's point, this is not an act of spite; it's simply the most ethical course of action because OBS has a right to know what's going on in his life, just as you do.

Second, for all you know, he might've had suspicions or have information that you don't know that he could share with you.

Third, that which thrives in darkness is quickly destroyed when exposed to sunlight. Spend enough time on here and you will find it laughable how quickly illicit paramours in love will hastily throw each other under the bus when their families, reputations, and finances are at stake.

Lastly, you'll get a pretty good gauge on how remorseful your WH is when he finds out you contacted OBS. If lashes out at you with anger and/or resentment, then you know that he's only concerned with covering his ass and probably intended for the affair to continue.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:37 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

I'm so sorry @Aftermath052623, if there is any certainty surrounding infidelity, it's that cheaters lie.

2. Could there be more? Sure. I can investigate further but I'm tired and honestly don't care. More comes up then I'm done. I'm not underestimating anything. What I am doing is trusting me. Trusting following my gut and what I need. So right now I'm tired.

You said this in you previous thread. So now that you've found out there is more, what do you feel you should do? As always take the time you need to clear your thoughts, but don't doubt yourself and what you need. Many times I've seen BS's in here go down this path of "Okay if X happens then I'm done." only for X to happen and the BS backtracks on their previous decision. I know there is tons of fear and uncertainty surrounding infidelity, but don't let yourself fall into the trap of waiting for "the final FINAL straw" or something to hurt you enough to really fall over the edge. It won't be good for your health.

I agree with @BluerThanBlue about not contacting the OW. You shouldn't have anything to do with the OW other than informing her partner, if she has one, about the affair.

All the best.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:49 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

Trickle Truth is inevitable unfortunately even from the spouse who wants to reconcile and wants to be forgiven. It's like as they have a saying on here it's in the cheaters handbook. Don't let that discourage you from seeking the truth or I agree with others on here holding him accountable for his lies that's the most important one he needs to know where you stand with him on the truth and what you want from him. Everything else will take time don't make a decision to soon that is one thing I regret when it comes to confronting the OW I do agree tell the spouse of the OW definitely but as far as getting information in my opion and my experience with mine it's never what you expected from them they are not important in your healing process I wish I would have found this forum to help me to have the advice and opinions of what will help or what others have gone through since we are all facing a trauma just in different ways and stages . My opinion is collect all your information on her but give yourself a few days before you make the decision if you do to reach out to her. Main thing is focus on yourself and your family. Sending hope and hugs

So soon after dday,TT is expected. But there comes a time,within a month or so after dday,that TT is unacceptable. It's deliberate and abusive. And shouldn't be tolerated.

Don't contact her. You have no reason to believe she will be honest.

And it makes her feel powerful.

It gives her a window into your life. That window needs to be slammed shut.

I don't know how to find out who her husband is. They apparently met at target in our area and she lives supposedly in a town a good 45 minutes away. I tried googling her but can't find her. Her name is fairly unique but it still didn't produce anything. I know the name is correct because I found the CC charge for the plane ticket he bought her for his business trips.

Nothing I have discovered changes the timeline of their relationship of when it stopped. What he admitted, I didn't know this, was they met earlier than I knew. The mall event was their first time meeting up after meeting and talking via phone.

He has admitted they had sex that last time. Which makes sense. The new stuff I found out makes more sense and everything pretty much I questioned was correct. I was right. He knew I was right. He said he didn't want to hurt me more and just kept hiding.

I had an individual appt with the marriage counselor and he has one Monday. We have a joint one Tuesday. Then I'm not sure. He's trying to set up individual and the person is dicking around. I'm on the emails so I know that.

I'm waiting on the timeline. But I know that it's been non stop here so there has been limited time. We went away for a night to a resort and spent it how I decided. We are working through some therapy books doing the exercises/questions together. He has filled in more details for me that he had been scared of ( thoughts, feelings, confirming some smaller details that I realized. Yes some more smaller lies). He seems to understand that I need to get the lay of the land. To me it's like a play/movie and I want to see it in my mind. How it all went down. For the most part the facts are less scary than my imagination. Though I cannot understand the lack of emotion he has had. That he can just have fairly casual sex for someone. Yes he liked her and felt sorry for her but didn't love her and still seemingly just dropped her.

I told him the extent of where I had been at. And where I am now. That my love will be killed if he focuses on his fear and need to control the outcome then being honest. I suggested a polygraph. He said fine.

I had s bad night that night. Got very drunk and very aggressive. I said some very mean things and just broke. He tried to take a break to regroup and I wouldn't let him. I sat on his lap to stop him. I could see the fear and relished in it. Then I broke and just sobbed. Just heart breaking wailing. But he was there. Trying to give comfort. For the man who would alway run from my emotion shockingly he is there trying to give comfort. Staying calm. I don't know this man.

And that is pissing me off where was this man before? This understanding, gentle, loving caring husband and father? Why the hell want he around the past 4 years?

The next big challenge is he is going away for training for our new business for 9 days. It's been planned. It can't be changed outside of me switching with him, and we open in July and have to do this. We have over million dollar loan on this business with our house as asset. This store must open successfully. He's scared to go. I'm scared. We are trying to figure out how to make if work. He wants me to come with the kids. But that's a major hassle. Finding a place they can be set up in, there are the safety concerns, how our au pair would feel having to go for that long to an undesirable city, what to do with the kids, no therapy for 9 days when they have daily and my oldest signed up to start day camp. And I don't want to. It would be stressful and uprooting for my fears and due to actions seems unfair to everyone else.

Today is crazy. Our friend who helped with the kids so we could go away that night is still here. We don't want to tell her so that's been something fo juggle. And my daughter has two recital shows today. So it's an all day thing of us tag teaming the kids and juggling the recital.

And I found out more that was from me looking. That was all right there. I just didn't look at that one credit card correctly. It's a shared one that has different accounts and I didn't do the drop down to change it. All right there with little effort.

On Friday I meet him at the shop and we went to lunch. Was good. Things were good. He stayed there for a delivery and I went home. I suddenly started musing on the timeline and wanted to write down some facts. When I started doing that I realized I wanted to make sure all cc were transparent. We have many. I went to one of his that wasn't updated on the computer so updated the password. He got the alert and called me. I told him. He said okay. I then went to the shared one because I realized I hadn't seen my charges for it. That is how I found more. I also went back and I think looked at all Cc for the past year. Your brain goes so crazy it's hard to remember so also why I keep going back over things.

You've been traumatized, and your brain is trying to process.

Some BS have had their WS FaceTime them the entire night their WS is away on business. Just leave the laptop open,so you can check when you wake,in the middle of the night,and see that he's sleeping.

Ask your husband where she lives. He knows. He may not know the address, but he knows the town. He also knows her husband's name.

They were talking on the phone,for awhile,before they met in person(so how did they get each other's number?). They didn't just meet and go to a hotel. They got to know each other. It's very common for the ws to talk to their ap about their spouse. So he knows his name, and probably where he works.

All ws agree to a polygraph,at first. If they immediately say no,then it's obvious they're still lying.

Yes I know the city but that isn't helping me. Yes I can ask him for his name. I hate asking. I feel like he told me and I forgot. I'm forgetting details.

Fuck I hate this. I hate have to keep digging. Keep opening myself up to hurt. It's like picking at the biggest deepest wound. This is exhausting.

Thank you for the overnight tip. That's good.

Edit: they meet in target at Starbucks apparently. She dropped something and he picked it up. They struck a conversation and then exchanged numbers at some point there. Texting and talking for some time until that mall event where he asked her to meet him.

He kissed her first he said. He suggested the hotel room for the next day. At this point it looks like he drove most of this.

And the last hotel room, where he told me it was to say goodbye but not sex which I pushed back as that doesn't make sense. Yeah that was a lie. They had sex. Which makes sense.

I'm not a stupid person and and I would surmise things and say it and he would tell me some bullshit counter how it wasn't that and what was I to do? Double down my husband is lying to me!?! No I tried to believe the tripe he was feeding me because he's my husband! I told him I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like such a fool.

[This message edited by Aftermath052623 at 1:34 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

TT sucks. I dealt with it for over 18 months. There are still small details that "emerge" from time to time. No new shoes dropping, but things my wife feels are "safe" to share (often in the presence of our MC).

She hasn't dropped anything on me in probably 10 months at this point. It may be because there's nothing left that matters when it comes to details. It may be that it's because I told her quite some time ago that every new detail shared rips things open again and that what she is doing when she engages in that is akin to water torture or death by 1000 paper cuts.

Eventually it will subside. As much of the truth as possible will come to light. You will likely always wonder what "other" thing hasn't been said yet, but it does get easier.