SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

I have a question about navigating to my WS's sadness now that he's really facing up to some unpalatable truths about himself and his actions.

My WH will often be tearful and cry. I comfort him by giving him a hug, but generally don't offer any comments or verbal reassurance (he doesn't expect any). Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty - like, maybe I'm being too harsh or punishing him gratuitously. I know that I can't make any of this better for him, but I do love him and it's hard to see him in pain.

Has anyone faced anything similar? How do you navigate your WS's sadness and feelings of self-loathing humanely, while still holding them accountable?

Thanks

If you want to offer support, my reco is to offer that support and provide it if your WS says they want it.

His grief is his problem to solve, not yours. R will go better if he deals with it himself. Part of dealing probably needs to be asking for the help he wants when he wants it, so I don't mean to say he needs to solve his grief problem alone, just that it's his problem to solve.

This isn't a game, and it's not manipulation. The goal is for us to take responsibility for ourselves and to initiate the connections we want.

(signed) sisoon, ask-for-what-you-want hardass

It's really painful to be a BS, but imagine the pain and guilt of being a WS. For a remorseful WS, it's a LOT to carry.

I think there's room for all the feelings from both partners in a healthy relationship. Hug the man. Tell him you love him, if that's what you feel.

Don't stop sharing your feelings, needs, thoughts, etc. just because it hurts him. If he's a good partner, he'll support you, and you can support him.

I struggle with this too. It’s my nature to try to make things better, to make someone feel better, whether by saying something nice or doing something nice.

I handle it similar to you OP, maybe a hug but I usually don’t have much to say in response. Although, I often feel uncomfortable in that silence. Sometimes I acknowledge that I hear him and am listening and say that I am glad to hear him acknowledge some of the ugly truths of the past, not just A related things, but damaging and hurtful behaviors before A (which allowed A to happen). It is validating for me to hear as I never realized how much I let slide for the sake of keeping the peace. However, if the sadness turns to self loathing, which it does on occasion, I find myself immediately disconnecting. I just can’t take it.

I think it can be a painful process for WS and I don’t think it’s bad to acknowledge that with them. But of course, as everyone here will say, they can cry and say whatever, it’s the actions that speak loudest.

Thanks all so much for your wise words. It's really helpful just to know that other people experience the same thing.

I think for now, my approach of offering a comforting touch but not saying much is probably the right balance. It feels right for me to acknowledge his painful emotions, even though his actions resulted in this s**t storm.